[stupidme]

Well thought of posting here again to put up some updates.
As of the time of typing, 3 weeks since my girlfriend dumped me and 4 weeks Tuesday since my slip.
Im still in the same mind frame of things. Had my week off work which was much needed and im back tomorrow :(.
Its been a great week, had some meetups with women, got some things sorted, even had a night out.
As the days progress im getting further and further away from wanting to gamble….. well actually its been the same as it was when I realised things, that put me at the ultimate distance from gambling.
I know some here may call me stupid, may think im simply ignoring the truth, but still, im gonna say the same thing I said nearly 4 weeks ago. Its been a massive realisation that has in fact changed my life, everything is just going too perfect. Theres just no battle at all now

[stupidme]

Thanks buddy, amazing inspiring words once again…. Yea im 25. I mean for real id of course rather her stay alive for the next 20 years at least, indeed I think its 1 of them ***** again where stuff boils, steam is let off and its resolved. The good thats come from the past few days is my nan saw sense and went to dr’s. Actually its something relatively minor wrong with her and shes been given medication to sort it.
Everything can get back on track again, back to work tomorrow and then again its the weekend. This month has been going quite quick so far too which is a bonus

[stupidme]

There isnt really any outside help… Yes I can indeed see shouting at them isnt the answer, but at the same time I am called some horrible things also. Not as much by my nan, but my mum. Even when growing up I had all sorts off her like saying im no son of hers, she wishes I get the disease, she said she wishes my nan was dead. The list is endless really, so in an argument things like that are said, so its even harder to keep my cool. Most of the strain in the house is down to my mum…. and not directly because of her illness. Its the way she wants constantly. My nan is elderly so surely my mum should think before constantly calling her, or causing arguments over getting her own way (which puts extra strain and work on my nan).
I didnt moan about the shopping though. In fact when it comes to spending on myself I find it difficult to do, but when spending on others its always been a bit easier. The whole point was regardless of loans and whatnot, I pay as much rent here and money back as possible each month as it stands. In fact my mum takes that money automatically as shes in control of my cash. Im left with the £30 a week budget, of which I spend some of on shopping for them. She was pretty much expecting me to give them extra cash out of that budget. I cant really afford it out of that low amount anyway but buying shopping for the home I thought would of counted towards giving then extra cash. I also pay bills such as internet which my mum uses as much as me and I never ask her for a penny for.
Yea its fair about xmas time. But again really the gambling is a disease. Its made me, like many, do things they never would of considered. Its fact that problem gamblers brains work differently. Even so, I have still done well I think, in just 3 months I have paid £800 or so back. Pretty much half the money already.
Yea I can see its her choice that I could be cut out of the will. At the same time with things, it hasnt been easy for me either, like rather than be out with friends I have helped out as much as I could at home. My gambling addiction maybe was encouraged more from when I was a kid. Of course it wasnt intentional to give me an addiction, but as young as 10 family members dragged me into the bookies. How? well back then the law was 16 to go into bookies. My uncle enjoyed gambling on the horses. Often when I was in town with him he wanted a gamble, and there were a few bookies who would allow me to sit on a chair inside and wait for him to gamble. I remember the smoke filled rooms, the chairs being so high it was a mountain to climb. A lot of the time I would sit there for an hour or 2, until he had finished which some***** if he had a win he would give me £10 or something. Every Saturday there would be horse racing on tv here, I would be taken for days out at actual horse racing events and around the age of 14 had my first gamble online. In fact my uncle wanted to gamble online but didnt know how to set it up, my mum asked if I could do it for him, so I installed a casino, and I remember him saying to fund the account with £50, then I got to have a few hands of blackjack. On that occasion I remember getting the balance to £100, but then slipping it away and losing the lot.
Now regardless of who is or isnt to blame, I know its been a hard childhood and of course it is hard ***** now, not being on the will means as theres no intermediate close family apart from me, the house could end up getting repossessed, ill end up homeless and seriously be in trouble with very few jobs going and low wages from my current job.
I cant see many new measures at all really. Of course my last slip was down to having access to ebanking, iv already closed my E-wallet, and my ebanking account too. So theres no no way I can even see what money I have, let alone touch it.
Yea your right with the trigger, its difficult to prevent however. Talking to my mum and nan to explain things is a losing battle, they refuse any outside help, I cant even afford to move out. In fact though if with my girlfriend here or away thats the time where that trigger is removed. But its when I come back that the trigger starts up again.

[stupidme]

oh and for those that havent seen it http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01dk5s7/Gambling_Addiction_and_Me_The_Real_Hustler/
interesting indeed

In fact its probably the best thing iv seen in years. Goes through all about gambling addiction.
To sum it up for people who might not be able to watch it (maybe to do with possible UK only stream). A lot of it is about awareness. This guy who is a “responsible” gambler meets a load of compulsive gamblers to get a better understanding of how it can become addictive. His dad was a CG who ***** and ended up in prison, he never wanted anything to do with his dad. After talking to people and understanding the addiction he wanted to see his dad.
It also (especially at the beginning) made me think of how true I can put a lot of the blame (when I was a gambler) on the casino/bookies/premises itself…. and the government. The bit was where you saw a typical high street, about 8 bookies…. but to make it worse, pawn brokers, and loan places opposite or very close to the bookies. I cant understand that, the people who would use them shops wouldnt be “responsible” gamblers as they would of stopped before the loss was that bad– 04/04/2012 23:59:29: post edited by stupidme.

[stupidme]

thanks,

yea, every door is now thoroughly closed.
As before im not gonna dwell on the past and whatnot, at current im feeling 100% positive, in fact tonight lead the ways for a bit of a rant here tonight….. so what happened.
I come in, demanding a word with BOTH my mum and nan, since when I have spent money on shopping out of my own pocket, my mums still insisting she wants rent etc (again with her illness, its 1 of them things, found that money im paying her back with is often not taken off what I owe her, and then if I pay rent by buying food shopping for the house, she claims it to be equivilant to paying nothing. Whereas if I gave them cash for rent and they gave me some money to get shopping after work if would still ***** as my rent because I have given her cash direct).
Of course I never got the logic and recently I have been getting a lot of shopping in for them with my allowance. My mums almost been stiring trouble (unintentionally) by thinking and telling me they are short of cash etc etc.
Anyway, I tried having a relaxed innocent conversation with them, to explain my views. My nan didnt have a word to say, my mum, as per usual swore blind she never said certain things which was also a mixture of her being stubborn and not admitting it and maybe her forgetting. Which lead to me… shouting a bit out of frustration. I even went as far as to messaging my nans family and saying she told me shes dying so could they get her to see the dr!!!
It ended with my nan walking out the room saying shes (my nan, herself) dying and she couldnt care less.
I mean what the ****….. the basic gist of our house. My mum has parkinsons, meaning shes slower to do things and doesnt understand things as well…. However she still keeps her stubborn traits which can be worse than ever (like the other day, she got a txt message I sent her mixed up, swore blind I sent her this txt saying 1 thing, I showed her the txt on my phone which showed she was wrong, but she still swore blind otherwise…. It was only when she saw her phone, reread the txt that she realised she was in the wrong and decided to compromise).
Due to my mums stubbornness of things she puts extra strain on my nan (like with small things, such as she wants guinea pigs, we get them, she wants something else, we get it, without a care for anyone else) which causes my nan to become more ill (as above shes not well already, seems she could have cancer) and so when it comes to my concerns my mum cant understand what I mean fully and my nan is too exhausted/ill to even reply to me or care….. Then when I get frustrated and shout im had a go at for shouting/not having respect.
The ongoing thing is my nan wont see the DR, meaning she could well indeed as she says be dying, but as I cant communicate with anyone im left angry and annoyed and possibly shouting.
It was even that bad earlier that my mum was saying shes already cut me out of her will, and after a bit more shouting I must of said a few horrid things to her. Its like they are the only people I can talk to… but because they dont/wont understand I get frustrated trying to explain things.
The worst part of it is yes they have social workers and people over………. but……… Since day 1, my nan was informed by them that they were coming round in advance. This meant she could (and always does) move the house around from top to bottom, and make it look like we can all cope (so theres no bags for my mum to trip over and it looks like everything is in reaching/working distance), when they come round im at work 99% of the time and they leave satisfied everything is perfectly fine here.
I hate it here, my nan refusing to see the DR, but then being too weak/ill/tired to do a thing, my mum with her stubborn ways. I know people have had a go at me before for blaming them for my gambling but that was always a trigger… whats anyone else’s reply to stopping?? answer would be preventing the triggers, but something ***** to be done to sort this house out
Maybe getting hold of the family over the internet saying about my nan was an odd choice but what else could be done? She wont go to the DR’s on her own accord. She wont listen to me or my mum– 04/04/2012 22:08:10: post edited by stupidme.

[stupidme]

Thanks so much guys. all the words mean a lot. yea levi lets say sod it. We can move on and yea im in this pact. We can do it.
on phone at the mo so Will give a better reply when i get home n get on pc. But certainly its gettin better.

[stupidme]

Havent heard much from people on here recently, hows everyones recovery coming along?
Last night was horrible in the end, had to go to bed because I was craving really bad but knew I couldnt gamble due to no funds, no way to and I was fighting it off.
Today actually started really well. Had work. Decided this morning that 100% im not going for a pint or 2 after work. A very good step indeed regarding learning the value of money. Also I saw bus fare has gone up which is a ripoff so am saving even more cash by walking to and from work every day.
Got home from work and felt pretty good really. In fact I did some maths regarding money over 5 months. By not getting the bus I save around £3 a day (for the days I work a week…4 days), also by limiting my pub visits from twice a week (5 pints 1 day, 2 pints another day) to just 2 pints 1 day with the girlfriend I save something like £450 in 5 months.
Actually was having a very constructive evening, getting the paid surveys and clicks done on sites (which gives me a further £20 a month), until I sat in the front room.
Was watching something on tv and a gambling ad came on TV. Now it wasnt just any gambling ad. It was for a website that really helped throw me off the rails. They had tactics in place which meant my big withdrawal was kept as reversible for as long as possible so I got tempted and lost it. In fact it was longer than any other site….5 working days. Even after that time it was still reversible and when I emailed support I waited another week, no reply from support and was still reversible. I recall a total of over 2 weeks passing and my withdrawal could still be reversed. Of course they were still feeding me emails with bonus offers and before long temptation came in and I reversed and lost the lot.
It was a clear tactic by them which set me off down my destructive route to where I am now. In fact it almost cost me my life as well with a failed suicide attempt. Until my time of hitting the ultimate low and quitting in this thread I just couldnt let go of the fact.
Anyway, seeing the tv ad just bought that thought back and made me feel pretty sick, sick that after all that, the stress and the upset they are pretty much sticking two fingers up at me and laughing.

[stupidme]

cravings are back to old ways this evening. Complete boredom is triggering it I think. Really need to think of bigger plans other than facebook games to keep myself occupied. I know when I get my new phone ill be occupied for many weeks at very least but for now I feel like I cant sit still.

[stupidme]

Definitely has been a month+ since I last gambled.
Thought I would add to my diary before popping off for another long shift at work :(.
Bit annoyed really at my mum today, she is ill and everything so doesnt understand things too well, she is very naive when it comes to things especially the internet (+ she doesnt understand technology well). She could be browsing the net and see a scam popup saying you have won x amount of cash or a prize and think its someone contacting her saying shes won.
Anyway she went onto this scam site to win an iphone or something, since she didnt know her mobile number or have it to hand she entered mine so not long ago iv been not surprisingly spammed with about 15 messages on my phone asking to verify my pin/number at some gambling sites. Not gonna let it annoy me too much.
Halfway through the working week after today, so this time next week I can expect a guaranteed wage of £600 minimum. Going to hopefully reduce my costs when I get a phone upgrade at the end of the month so my total outgoings per month for phone an internet are no more than £25. Meaning even in a month where I get a lower wage I still have money I can pay back to my mum and a bit for myself.
Trying to have small targets for the week. I finish early tomorrow so part of me learning the value of money again is to limit my spending. As I finish early I could easily pop to the pub for 1 or 2 pints. If I did it would be a small reward for all the work iv been doing but if I can I want to stay away and think its a few more quid saved.
The cravings are not fully gone, nowhere near, but getting better with each day

[stupidme]

yea completely, I think the only non dream withdrawal symptoms happening now are just occasional thoughts. You know the silly unrealistic 1’s of “well if I had a £1000 bet on a single hand of blackjack, I could be laughing”. Silly things really.
My new addiction for now seems to be facebook games. Its like my gambling addiction has been put onto those instead (well 1 in particular…. “empires and allies”). Maybe 10 or 15 ***** a day I will check it and play it.
Ill be able to further increase my addictive ways into gaming of the non gambling variety when I can order my new free contract phone as its a top gaming spec phone.

[stupidme]

Yea thats typical gambling, thanks.
Well yet again been a few more days since posting, was with the girlfriend all weekend. Was a nice time.
I dont know what it is but my dreams this week have been really bad, mostly about gambling too. I had 2 or 3 dreams where I was playing high stake blackjack again and 1 dream which was totally weird. It was that I slipped up and gambled this year and I was kicking myself saying I failed in being gamble free for 2012. Thankfully I woke up after and realised it wasnt real :D.

I dont know what else to put really…for now, things are going well. I have been working loads so im still set to pay £500 minimum back to my mum at the end of the month. I feel a tiny bit down at the thought she will see her statement any day now and there will be a few overlapping transactions. Yes she knows about them but I dont know how she will react when actually seeing the amounts.
I have a treat in line still for the end of the month, its a new phone as I get a free contract upgrade (May of already mentioned). Expecting it to be a very powerful phone so it will be just as good as having a laptop.
Hope everyone else is doing well too 😀

[stupidme]

Thanks sunny and the same to you.
Completely, I never want to go back to the second of december.
I have had a very weird feeling regarding work now too. When I was a heavy gambler I used to think “I couldnt care less if I get more hours this month, cause weather I do 1 hour a week or 20, the casino gets it, so the more money I take home means the more money ill lose gambling”.
Now though I dont mind doing the extra hours, its like in a short space of time, quitting gambling has changed me from someone who cant be bothered to work to someone who wants to work as much as possible and do well in life.
Fair enough my wages will be going towards paying debts for a while but at least its better than gambling it. Shows really that a month ago I was being a sly, sneaky, lazy gambler who was at the lowest point after losing that money on my mums card and owing all that cash for payday loans. Now I owe nothing to payday loans, dont gamble, I want to work, have been sensible with the few quid I do have and of course have that payment plan in place to pay my mum back.
Things are looking up

[stupidme]

2nd of december and I wake after a super long sleep.
Still a bit tired but all the early starts caught up with me. Good news now for work the hours have gone up this week so after this week at work my minimum wage will be £500 at the end of the month.
A sneaky casino email got through to my inbox earlier which I unsubscribed from.
had a dream about gambling last night but nothing too extreme. Everyday im getting stronger
I think another resolution im going for now as well as to quit gambling is to cut down on drinking, it always seems like a good idea, then after a few I realise how pointless it was and feel like rubbish for ages– 1/2/2012 9:57:56 AM: post edited by stupidme.

[stupidme]

Completely agree with you there,
Regardless of anyones situation, weather your £1000 or £10,000 in debt (im somewhere in between), its all about now and the future.
As far as I can see it we have been gifted with a new year, which is a massive difference to a new day or week.
good luck everyone

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