[Stuart]

Hi Meghna, thank you for your reply.

It was a case of them verifying my documentation ie passport, bank details etc. Seems like the bigger you win the longer this takes!

Yes it’s a bit of a sore one to take and I’m trying to rationalise  it a little. The 2k (albeit extremely annoying to lose) could have been 20k or more and like you say, past experiences have taught me what that feels like. The 16k, was it ever really mine? It’s just a number on the screen and until it’s in my bank account could I ever really lay claim to it? Maybe that’s just an easy way of making myself feel better at the moment.

The thing that is really getting to me at the moment is my lack of self discipline and control. For once I have got one up on these gambling website and although telling myself ‘stay away, you know what will happen’ I continued to return for a few more spins/hands. They delayed in verifying my account because they were hoping this would happen, I knew that they were hoping this would happen and yet I’ve allowed it to happen!! I really am feeling quite disgusted with myself at the moment but what’s done is done. I will try not to dwell on it too much.

I’ve been quite proud of myself for being GF for nearly a year. And it wasn’t some desire to gamble that lead me back there, it was just a sociable game of poker with friends to pass the time and stay in touch with each other during these troubling times. But what I know for certain now is that I can’t just have a game or two and call it a day. I know that I can’t allow myself to get into these situations because the inevitable will always happen with me. I can see that now and so long as I don’t start and stay away from these sites I’m sure I will do ok.

Thanks again,

Stuart

[Stuart]

Nearly 10 months has passed since I first wrote on here. On the whole things have been pretty good. I attended a few AA and GA meetings and although I didn’t find them my cup of tea I have reduced my alcohol consumption and haven’t gambled (or even really thought about it) since that disastrous night in July.

However, old demons have came back to haunt me. My job takes me round the world for months at a time and recently I have been stuck in a hotel under quarantine. With not a lot to do I found myself having a few drinks and playing poker with friends for the first time in months. Once that ended the appetite had been whet and I found myself drawn to the online casino. After depositing $2000 I miraculously find myself waking up to $16,000! However new customer restrictions prevent me from cashing out and for days and days I’m sitting there contining to play and praying that I will be able to cash out. Cut a long story short. Tonight I blew it in 4 spins of a roulette wheel. I’m absolutely pig sick at the moment. How could I be so god damn stupid!! I guess we all know, once you get in that zone all rational thought and sensible decision making goes out the window. I’m so angry at myself for allowing myself to be continually drawn back to the website when I know that they were holding off in paying out, hoping this would happen. $16,000 wouldn’t make up for my f@@@ up last year but it would have been some consolation. Maybe in my mind I knew it was all or nothing?? I don’t know? Anyway I’m now in an work place environment that I can’t drink and I can safely say that have no intention of chasing it. I thought last year was a one off but unfortunately no, guess it’s something that I will have to keep working at.

Thanks for reading.

[Stuart]

Hello Meghna83 and thank you for taking the time to comment.

Yes I believe you are correct when you say that a line needs to be drawn and i say “no more” To be honest, the ‘fight’ in me has gone to try even think about trying to recoup any loses. I guess that can only be a good thing.

Today I had a productive talk with my Mum about it all. She was understanding and not judging (addiction being such a part of so many of my family) and we made a plan for going forward. She was keen to take my bonus for safe keeping until I can get my alcohol problems sorted and although I can see the benefits of that, I do still want to keep some autonomy. So whether I will give her my username/passwords or she can ask for a screenshot of my account twice a week, we are still to decide but I will have some accountability which I really haven’t had before.

All my savings that I lost was being put aside for me to attend University for 6 months to help further my career so my bonus is even more important now than ever. I’m currently feeling good that it will now be soley used for something productive and not just to be drunk, gambled and squandered.

Sorry to hear about your recent losses but well done on going 41 days. I hope that you are finding each day at little easier and a day comes soon where you don’t think about gambling at all.

Stuart 

[Stuart]

Hello portnoy58 and thank you for your comments and advice.

I would just like to go over one or two of the points that you have made. Firstly, regarding whether or not I have done enough damage to be in enough pain to really turn this around? I think that there is some truth in this. Like I have said I am fortunate to have a pretty good job and income and although I am currently pretty much broke, in a few weeks time I will be receiving a bonus not far off 5 figures. If I was to receive that today would I be suffering the same mental agnst that I am currently feeling? If I am honest the answer is probably no and that is terrifying in all honsety! How can I be so indifferent about such a sum of money?? It’s my financial independence (or lack of ) scares me. I just hope that I can be one of the fortunate ones that realises and can get appropriate help before the last chance saloon arrives. I certainly intend to.

That takes me to your second point and again you are spot on, quitting drinking has got to be my priority. It is alcohol that is the gateway to all my problems. There is no two ways about it. Stopping drinking has been on my mind for a while now and this has only brought it to a head. I am under no illusions that this will be easy but for the sake of my mental health I know that I have to give it my all.

Again, thank you for taking the time to comment on my story and I hope that you are winning the battle against your addictions.

Stuart

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