[Stevie.g17]

Thanks for the comment steev and advice , I really feed off success stories like your own and I’m glad you are now enjoying your life, I mean this in the greatest respect but I dont want to be in the shoes you were in and I’m going to continue to be strong and beat this every day,  I can forget about the money I have lost , my thought process currently is carry on winning the battle and to also protect my own children and look for the warning signs as they grow up to make sure they dont suffer the pain and misery I have done since my youth.

Keep going strong mate and enjoy every day gamble free

[Stevie.g17]

Firstly congratulations on the milestone and u too agree having people to share this journey with is making it bearable for me. I had a milestone of my own today obviously some people will never get to know the extent of my problem as I dont want it to interfere with things like my job where I have always kept it separate to my addiction but a colleague who to there credit doesn’t know the path I’m on was willing me to back Manchester United at 50/1 tonight when they were 3-1 down, it was all banter and a long shot but I said I didn’t have my bank card and laughed it off , of course they won and in the past I might have had £20 on it just for the crack, was I guttered I didnt win tonight no not at all it would have been lost somewhere else I didnt give it a second thought which I cant describe how good this step feels as just the other week I would have maybe won on that then visited casino on way home as I’d won or spent the night on my phone on the slots so I’m chuffed with my outlook now and I’ve felt the most positive I have since stopping.

Secondly that’s deep stuff mate and I’m glad you aren’t going to break your familys heart again . Thanks for sharing , I dont know what I would do was I to lose my family I’ve been with partner since we were 19 I’m 30 now and have 2 sons I have played over in my head what it would do to me but I still gambled but now knowing and hearing others stories in here I could have lost it all and then I would have been in a real downward spiral it possible could have been the end , I have finally realised how close I was to that been a reality and knowing if I am to go back into that life of throwing my money down the drain I will possibly definitely lose them . I know now I’m not willing to let that happen. 

We can do this stay strong 1 day at a time but we can and will do it. Let’s reach more milestones 🙂

[Stevie.g17]

Learning to ignore the cravings and desperate feelings of needing to feel the hit and the sound of the roulette ball more and more daily now , it’s still hard but fear is driving me I know this is it and my only shot to stop . As i know i i relapse i will self destruct , interestingly I am no longer focusing on past losses which I used to chase as a excuse to gamble and justify it, I am now concentrating on the future and to let it go.

I feel I’ve come so far already but I’m not fooling myself I have a lot further to go. Thanks everyone who still reads and encourages me it is much appreciated. I will check in daily if possible.

Let’s do this

[Stevie.g17]

Hi TF firstly thankyou for your support and honesty , I know you’re feeling if self loathing and self pity so much, I really do hope this is the start of the end for you and we can support each other to really kick this habit for good. My days are long and hard without gambling but I keep remind myself everytime I leave the house just how much harder it is when i lose £500 in 30 minutes then have to sit around the family table eating tea and cracking jokes and appearing as if everything is ok but not knowing how I’m going to fill the tank up to get to work. I’ve hit rock bottom hundreds of times, I just hope you can avoid the bookies when you next have money also and can draw on these feelings, when I was skint it was always the last time until I came into money again and I would repeat the cycle trying to chase , 2 weeks before I started my journal I built upto £1700 from a £30 deposit and felt invincible the money would have sorted a few problems for me I spend it in my head over and over on what I could pay off but I never hit withdraw i kept saying one more gamble one more gamble I lost the lot in a toilet cubicle whilst out socialising I remember returning to the group and it was like everything was in slow motion I couldn’t believe yet again what I had done and the plans I had made , the worse thing is that didn’t stop me it was 2 weeks later when my story began as I stated above.

We really need to do this , my fear and drive of relapsing is totally keeping me going i could relapse right this minute if it was upto my brain, but the fear of coming this far and receiving all these comments and the trust my dad has placed in me is spurring me on, if I was to relapse I would have no where else to turn and would self destruct as I see this as my escape and my sanctuary if I mess it up this time i wouldn’t be able to start over I would go another 16 years through this same horrible cycle. 

We can certainly help each other it’s a must but we also have to help ourselves. We must remember ourselves at our lowest , we may relapse and win a big win and feel invincible as I did often but remember this feeling right here right now and it would come back around no doubt and worse.

The cravings and desperation to feel the hit one more time scares me daily there there almost every day currently . But let’s smash this and let’s enjoy not just a 5 minute high from a win , but enjoy every day. 

Hope you are well and I look forward to hearing how you are getting on.

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks TF is this the first time you’ve reached out for help then or have you just relapsed. I hope you can fight this disease with me and kick the habit for good. My partner and 3 boys like for most people are my entire world we have a lovely little home and careers, I think in a way by always paying my priority Bill’s and my partner not knowing the full extent of my issues ( I’ve learnt a horrible lesson that you become such a good liar and can hide your tracks ) been a great liar is not something in proud of but I have lied about my finances for so long but as I pay my half of the Bill’s it masks the problems.

My current issue is I have never suffered from stress/depression but now I’m withdrawing I’m seeing my stress levels raise slightly and then gambling comes to the fore of my mind. Inim pleased to say I haven’t gambled so far and I’m really proud the fear of letting everyone and myself down is keeping me going in would feel so dirty, but that been said I’m not blinded about the opportunitts that will present themselves in the days weeks and months ahead , I have a great social circle le within my family , pubs, eating eat, days at the horses weekend breaks etc etc etc this is when I will be tested to the fullest in the months ahead.

Thanks everyone who is still responding it is helping me greatly and I hope I can in time help others.

Steve

[Stevie.g17]

Really struggling with urges currently. The itch is doing everything for me to itch it. I’m finding out just how hard it really is

[Stevie.g17]

Hi mate I had a successful weekend just surrounded myself with family and went to gym and walks etc . I am really struggling with the urges and cravings currently for the past 13 years I’ve itched the itch no questions asked . I feel in full withdrawal mode currently and I’m climbing the walls. I have given myself numerous outlets including a lot of fitness but its relentless . Once these thoughts ease I feel I maybe in a better place. Although I haven’t gambled I’ve daydreams and thought about it soooooo much.

[Stevie.g17]

That’s what I plan to do Charles. We are going for a family walk and a bite to eat . I will learn to love football again as it’s my passion and learnt to love it again without having to bet on it

[Stevie.g17]

Saturday is the big day . I wont have access to funds as my dad knows under no circumstances unless accompanied for something essential an I to access money on Saturdays. This is the horse and football day a tradition for years I’m worried how this will affect my mental state it’s almost a strict routine if studying and writing out all manner of bets and placing them and following them and then having a spin in the bookies , how I will cope and fill my time will be difficult. I shall wait and see

[Stevie.g17]

Second day now and boy it was a very difficult one, once Bill’s and debts had gone out of my bank and the fact payroll couldn’t change my bank details over until the following month so the money went in mine for the last time and as u say once I had paid everything the urge to gamble was huge, the urge to sneak some of the money I was about to hand over to my dad was huge but I resisted I dont even know how it was surreal.

I haven’t been able to exclude myself from my local bookies yet as I say its obviously like a community and it’s a big step for me but I know it’s one I must do to win this battle as I could lapse anyday now.

Hitting the fitness is taking my mind of things and setting goals as well as ploughing more time into activities with my sons. I dont play scratch cards but how random that my brain is now trying to fo us on these anything to have a gamble.

My dads got my money now I literally have money for fuel for work purposes , I feel great but also sometimes scared it’s like I’ve lost a friend. But onwards and upwards thanks for the support it is still very early days but I’m more determined than ever.

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks Charles great advice , second day now and boy it was a very difficult one, once Bill’s and debts had gone out of my bank and the fact payroll couldn’t change my bank details over until the following month so the money went in mine for the last time and as u say once I had paid everything the urge to gamble was huge, the urge to sneak some of the money I was about to hand over to my dad was huge but I resisted I dont even know how it was surreal.

I haven’t been able to exclude myself from my local bookies yet as I say its obviously like a community and it’s a big step for me but I know it’s one I must do to win this battle as I could lapse anyday now.

Hitting the fitness is taking my mind of things and setting goals as well as ploughing more time into activities with my sons. I dont play scratch cards but how random that my brain is now trying to fo us on these anything to have a gamble.

My dads got my money now I literally have money for fuel for work purposes , I feel great but also sometimes scared it’s like I’ve lost a friend. But onwards and upwards thanks for the support.

[Stevie.g17]

My first full day completed, I have kept myself busy with the gym and work and not look at sports scores or visited the bookmakers. Its payday and I usually wait up and in the next 15 mins deposit a large chunk into a online slots company. Tonight I have had a catch up on some t v a nice drink to wind down after work and I shall be going to sleep. A big weekend ahead it will be my first ever without a football bet for 16 years give it take holidays etc.

I feel strong at the moment I hope this continues. Let’s see what tomorrow brings

[Stevie.g17]

Lego93 tha is for the comment the only reason I’m glad we have the same kind of story is so I’m hoping we can come together and beat this and then have better stories to tell at the end. I like your advice and I’ve reached put to my father and sister , my mum doesn’t understand gambling or addictions shes just a typical lovely mum who cares so much for my welfare but I think the pain I experience inside hurts her so I’m protecting her from divulging the true extent of this habit as it’s there daily. I am opening up and to family and on here as I’ve said is giving me great strength , I suppose we have things in common like many gamblers and the fact we have good jobs is no detriment to people who gamble there benefits where all affected by the same illness and it’s the first time I’m looking at it like that, I used to view ot as happy go lucky and when the wallet was full I would be like a man with no hands soending and been jolly . When it was empty I had to get back to a big win . The endless vicious cycle.

I have to keep reminding myself I’m fully addicted have been since seen a teen the thought of gambling kow petrifies me as I’ve opened up and I would feel a complete failure but I’m honest and will open if I do as this is my 1st full day and I know theres going to be very very testing days ahead.

I hope we can keep communicating lego93 my journal is open to all I was relieved to get it out there

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks for all the comments seeing a new comment or 2 each time I access this journal is already giving me added motivation. Talking is really helping something I’ve never done

In response to your comment steev that’s great advice my dad has reached out to me who knows all about my gambling and has tried and tried and tried to helping me even bailing me out of fmtricky financial situations in the past. He has said he wants my wages to go in his bank , this was very hard for me to swallow I’m 29 with my own home, partner 2 beautiful boys and a great career yet I have to pay my wages in my dads bank as I cant be trusted . This hurt my pride a lot and I battled against it in my head until I saw the positive and the shame of that overrode the shame of losing £100s of pounds each day or each week for the past 16 years and I’ve accepted his offer.

I have looked for good gaming blockers as all I use is my phone but they seem to have really bad reviews and can corrupt your phone , I am blocked from all my online casinos and bookmakers currently but I know how easy it is to find a new one at the drop of a hat so help or advice in this area would be very welcome.

Again the local bookmakers is like a little community as we all know and I’m popular and well liked in there as win or lose I’m jolly and friendly on the outside but they dont see the hurt going on inside my head, self excluding from there will be damn hard but it’s a must . So much to do but Rome wasnt built in a day .

I’ve just left the gym , the gambler in my brain is saying just go and win some fuel money or some of uesterdays money back etc etc, I guess these cravings will only get harder is this what they call withdrawal.

One thing I must ask to all the people that have battled this or in the process do the thoughts ever stop even when like 5 or 10 years clean or are they there daily and how do u approach this. I know this is very early days but my brain scares me as gambling is all it has known and wants to do. I know in the pub it will even say a pound in bandit is ok go on …… hope this make sense and thanks again to everyone I’m really seeing light at the end of the tunnel and this forum is so welcoming.

Stevie.g

[Stevie.g17]

Thanks for all your responses it helps a great deal even in these early stages. Just fine the school run and 3 quarters of the journey was spent thinking about gambling and what slot I will go on and what numbers I will play on roulette . It felt so exciting and real but that was without thinking . When I remembered I had now stopped or in the process of stopping I felt so relieved and happy and instead I am now going to the gym.

It’s going to be so hard temptation is everywhere but I’m so determined. I cant believe its took me all these years to crack but im so happy I have. I’m hoping this isn’t a honeymoon period though and each day i get stronger

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