[stephenm]

My dad just phoned me. I explained what I did. He told me to go to the petrol station and put 50 euro in the car. He will give them his card details but he wont give me money. Thanks be to god for a loving father. Im able to get to work.  I feel sick having to do this…..

[stephenm]

Hi Charles, Your right. Nn questions asked. I need all the support I can get. I phoned my manager in work. I asked my manager if its possiable to borrow 250 until 24th of the month because I dont have money for petrol etc. He will go for a coffee and talk with me on saturday. More debt….

To be honest I was fighting not gambling but it was always there….I thought I could fight it alone. How wrong was I.. What have I done. Gambled on wednesday and today.

[stephenm]

I just had a relapse today. All my money is gone. No money to get to work. My partner is holidays. dont know what to do….

[stephenm]

Laura, great to hear from you. Don’t worry about posting. Post when your able. May gods hands shower you with blessings and health for a speedy recovery from your surgery. ….. Let me know how things are going for you from time to time.
xxx
Going down to see my dad tomm. I will take my son with me. I will collect my son after work tomm at 6.30. I will stay until sunday. On sunday I have to work at one so ill drive my son home and than head into work. I dont feel good in myself. I feel really down but I have to make an effort to keep going….
lol xxx

[stephenm]

Hello i-did -it. I have not gambled since the 7th of this month. I’m still clean. I just had a conversation with my father. My father told me he will not give me any money. He is very worried about me but he will support me with love and emotional feelings. He said the door will always be opening. Its time to stop turning to people looking for money. 

I got paid on saturday. I owe 300 euro and they never took the 300 euro out of my wages. Kate from our accounts department said she put the wages through but forgot to deduct the 300 euro. The 300 euro will be deducted next month. I will work out which bills are important to pay. I cant pay everything. Its impossiable to pay off huge debts when you have only started in recovery. Each month will get better but Its a long road ahead. Its only the start of a new journey. 

29 years of gambling has caused so much pain in mylife. Sometimes I feel great in myself and other times I feel Worthless.I think when a a compulsive gambler stops,Our feelings and thoughts are all over the place. No matter how much we try and relax our thoughts just keep racing. It will take time I suppose.

[stephenm]

Thanks so much for support. Working six days this week. Burnt out. Cant sleep with worry over all the bills . I’m so stressed out. I working very hard to earn extra money because on the 25th of this month I get paid. Work will take the 300 euro out of my wages. 

No matter what money I got on the 25th I will only pay the important bills. Each month will get better once I stay clean. It is very hard when you start recovery.. No questions asked. 29 years of gambling can not be fixed in sort period of time. I know this. I need to take each day at a time and work hard in recovery. 

My son phoned me and asked me to see him tomm. I said I cant wait. I will phone him from the work number and tell him when I will arrive. This way he knows im just finished work and on my way. I did the same with my partner today,just to show a change can be made if you want it bad enough. 

lol xxx how are you doing yourself……..

[stephenm]

Hi. Thanks for your post. Its wasnt easy just leaving work and going straight to see my son. Im doing something to try and change the cycle of gambling. There is a question I asked myself tonight…….What if my son was down over selling the ps4 and he didnt want to talk to me….What would i have done or how would I react to it. I need to think of all possabilties and react in postive way….That is something I must also learn.

[stephenm]

Hi I-did-it. Thanks so much. I’v just being with my son and just home. I’m so Happy. I finished work today at 6.45. I started at 9.15. As soon as i finished work I want straight to see my son. Before I would have left work and gone gambling and only see my for 40 mins. Tonight I spend 2.30 hours with him…..Amazing.
I told my son about the ps4. I told him the truth. I told him I need help again with the gambling addiction. I also told him it will take time to get it back. His answer was – you know I LOVE you SO SO MUCH AND IM HERE FOR YOU. The tears started rolling down my face and he put his arms around me and said it will be ok. I have a very long way to go in recovery. I know its not even the start because I need to face the urges and the debt. Relationships have to be rebuild with family and loved ones.I have to work harder because I have to show I’m focused again…Its certainly not easy by any means. All I can to his my best.

[stephenm]

Hi Vera, The 150 is 125. I put petrol in the car on sunday to get home and petrol in the car to get to work today. I told my partner I have the card. I fill the car with petrol and dont bring the card to work. I used to gamble after work.That was my thing.Gmbling after work. IIf i dont carry cash or card I cant. 

Thanks for your concern

[stephenm]

Hi I did it,  I’m going to work and going straight home. I have not gambled. The damage that my gambling has done will take a long time to repair. I not going to gamble any of the 150. I’m only using the card for petrol and food. I have only used 25 from the card. This 25 euro was for petrol to get home from work on sunday and 10 euro for petrol today. The card stays at home. I dont take the card to work which means I have to go straight home. All my gambling was done straight after work. If I dont carry cash or card I cant gamble which means I have to go straight home. You see before I would carry cash and card to work and gamble after work. I’m trying something different that I didnt do before.

Thanks for your support….

[stephenm]

Hi Lizbeth4. I have relapsed so many times over the years. Yoy wouldnt believe how many times I have relapsed. It has been a very hard week since i stopped gambling. When I got the 150 euro today I thought about gambling but I didnt. I have been in the dark place all week. I’m in a dark hole looking for a way out. There is a way out for you too. The way out is You Have to Fight Every Inch of the way. The biggest battle starts today. Do it for you. Fight your way back into the light…..Play the speech from any given sunday….I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT…..

[stephenm]

Hi I -did -it. The money was in work. I so stressed thinhig about it. Thanks be to god the money was there. I felt so dirty and ashamed going to work. Normally I have to wear black shoes. I could’nt wear my black shoes to  today because they where ripped at the side. I had to wear brown. I badly need a hair cut. I look very run down.I havent slept much etc.On my way into work my mind was racing like a race car.. What if the money wasnt there..What will people think of me….so many thoughts……

Things worked out good in the end. My money was there and my son phoned me. Of course I still feel ashamed but thats good. If I didnt feel ashamed means I wouldnt care. Yes My beautiful son. I will see him tuesday. I cant wait. I will him the truth about the ps4. No more lies right. Thats the start of My Journey. To be honest to my self. My partner has applied for social housing. She doesnt think Ill stop. I dont really care if she believes me but as we have all said i need to stop for me. We have started talking a little bit. what will be will be. xxx 

[stephenm]

Hi Laura, I’m just back to work today. Thought i was back yesturday but I didnt read the roaster properly. The money was there. Thanks be to God. Your right Laura, No Matter what happens I have to do this fror myself. I just in so Ill talk soon. 

[stephenm]

Hello I did it………thanks so much fro the post. Going to bed. Ill talk to you tomm. lol xx

[stephenm]

Laura. Great to hear from you. What ever happens in my relationship will happen. I dont think its going to last much longer. There is no point going into to much detail. Anyway no matter if my relationship works or does’nt work – I still have a problem which is gambling. No matter if my partner does’nt stay or I meet someone else or I live on my own I still have the problem of being a compulsive gambler. This is MY main concern. Who gives me support or who does’nt – I will keep looking for support. Its being one hell of ride this week without question but I’m still here counting the chickens….how are you

Your right…Monica is a really great person with a grat mind but so are you. xx

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