[stephenm]

Hello Vera. I’m in a very bad way at the moment. I’m off tomm. I need just to rest and sleep. I need major help…..I need medical help at this stage……..will talk to tomm. Im so tried. Im going to bed. 

[stephenm]

Hello Monica…..Great to hear from you. My week has been awful. I’m really down in myself. I’m getting up at 5.30 in the morning to get the bus.I’m arriving into work at 8.45 am.  I have to get two buses.In the evening is worse going home. I get the bus from work to portlaois in the evening but there is no townlink bus in the evening to bring me home. 

One night I got the bus from work to portlaois and it started raining heavy. I waited at the bus stop for one hour but no townlink bus showed,  This was at 8.00 o clock in the evening. I gambled that evening. I lost the 120 I borrowed from work. I had no money left so I started to walk in the heavy rain home. 2 hrs walk along the dark roads. My partner phoned me at 11.00 o clock that night and I was still walking in the rain. My partner  came and collected me. I was nearly home at this stage. In the car I just broke down in tears and couldnt talk. When we got home she said Im suffering from depression and need to go to the doctor. I told her to sale the ps4 so I could get in and out to work.She sold the ps4 and she only gives me money for the bus. My partner is trying to collect me in the evening after work but its hard on her. Some nights I have to wait 2 hours for her to collect me. I honestly dont know whats going to happen with all the debt im in. I cant think straight anymore. The most important thing is to go to the doctor and get antidepression tablets..I can never have money again. I just cant. Its  like a loaded gun waiting to go off. Hope your doing good….

I will get the car and go the doctor. 

[stephenm]

Liz. I just had a huge fight with my partner.Things are bad between us. Over the car and and gambling. The ps4 also came into it. She said, nearly every month I buy and sale the fucking ps4. It costs me money. Why didnt I get something for the house.. I think I will give my son the playstation to keep at his mothers. I cant sell it for cash and he will always have it. Maybe I kept it in my house because I know if I gambled I could get quick cash. I need to think on changing a few small things to help me with gambling. 

Liz. I also know Im not happy in this house. Sometimes I dont want to come home. My next neighbour is mentlally ill. He keeps banging on the walls and screaming.This happens night and day.  I cant do anything about it. I have reported it to the police etc but they said there is nothing I can do. I have let things build up inside me and used gambling as means to escape. I have to learn to deal with problems like any normal person. I used gambling as a means of escape for years and this is wrong.   I need to learn  to stop and think that gambling doesnt solve any suituation. It makes matters worse. I honestly think gambling was my way of hurting myself. and why …because I never liked me.

Each person has a wish to stop gambling….My wish is to be a little bit stonger each month so i can resist gambling………goodnite. 6.30 bus here I go

[stephenm]

Hi Liz. Today I thought of One Positive person who I let down. My son.

[stephenm]

Hi Liz. Today I thought of One Positive person who I let down. My son.

[stephenm]

Hi Liz. Today I thought of One Positive person who I let down. My son.

[stephenm]

Hi. My car has been sold for scrap….Only got 130.00. They gave me a Cheque. I hope work will change the cheque for me in the morning. I phoned a car dealer about a car today. Hell keep the car until I get paid on the 25th. The car is 750 but he will give it to me for 600. Ill have to pay the mortgage, electricity bill,internet bill,insurance. I wont be able to pay child support. Ill phone my ex and tell her to claim through the social. I havent made a payment on my credit cardt for months. I have a loan but wont pay it this month. I also owe house hold tax which I wont pay. My credit card has been sold to a debt collection agency a long time ago and i havent paid payments for months.I need to focus on getting the car,work,mortgage etc. My heart was broken today because of my gambling. Me. It was all me who did this…..I hope with all my heart things get better. It will only get better if I stop gambling. I need all the help I can get. ps….I bought a Renault Laguna 2006 with only 150000km – 93205 miles.very low mileage. Nct. full cream leather interior and new tyres. I hope this car is ok. as i said the dealer will keep the car until I get paid. I going to call this day one of my journey because my car is gone and its a fresh start….to all that reads this…..Gambling has started to take things from me….DONT LET THE SAME THING HAPPEN TO YOU…..ITS A HORRIBLE PLACE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY…….

[stephenm]

Hi Monica. Thanks. Ill chat soon

[stephenm]

Hi I-did-it. Im so low. My car has to go. I need the money and cant afford  to fix the car. Im really in a bad place. Talk soon….x

[stephenm]

Hi Vera, Your right. My mind is made up. I cant drive the car much longer. Its too dangerous. Ill sale the car for scrap.Ill work on clearing debt. I need to get my life back on track. Its only a car. I can always get a car. Ill have to get the bus. Ill try and find out if I can get a lift but I dont think so. 

Your right. Gambling has took alot of things way from me. Its time to rebuild my life..I feel so ashamed and worthless today………

[stephenm]

Hello Monica. Good to hear from you. There is a grinding noise coming from the front of the car. The front brake discs are damaged. The car also needs brake pads and a timing belt. If the timing belt is changed, than the water pump has to be changed the same time. The tax is also up on the car at the end of the month. It is dangerous to drive at the moment with the discs and brakes. If the timing belt snaps the pines go through the car. I have the mortage and back bills to pay at the end of this month.If i borrow more Im getting more and more into debt.The train station is in the next town. The bus  only runs  a limited service. Its a nightmare. 

I just thinking if I sale the car for scrap and get the bus,I dont have to worry about the car. I can work on clearing my debt and when Im ready get a car. I will never be able to get oi for heating,,pay the mortage,pay

loans,child maintance and loans….. I dont know anymore.

Dont know who even to ask for a loan anymore -. hope your well 

how to see my son if i sale the car…..

[stephenm]

Today I feel really tried. I’m tried worrying about bills, work and
the car. Gambling has taken everything from my life. My car has to many problems and i don’t have the money to fix it. So do i sale the car and start getting the bus. I will only get 200 euro for the car due to the miles and problems with the car. scrap. The bus will take 2 hrs to get to work from where i live. Its difficult to get a bus home. what to do…….I cant afford to pay tax, insurance , repairs etc. Maybe when I’m in a better position I can get a car again…..What do people think. Remember I need money for the month lol steve

[stephenm]

Laura,I have to start all over again. I will post everyday. My manager gave 100 euro plus the ps4. He gave me 100 euro out of his own pocket until the 25 of the month.This wont get me through until payday but its a start. Work has taken advantage of me. I know.  Laura and monica…today is the day I stop feeding the wolfe that eats inside of me.. Im geting tried of fighting the wolfe inside me. Each day i will post.. I will ask you monica for support each day.Thank you so much xx

ps. My partner has arrived home from her holidays. I told her the truth. 

[stephenm]

Monica…Dont be sorry for being a bit harsh. lol steve. Say what you want.  Laura is right and so are you. Im going to get very sick from my addiction. Will talk soon….. ps An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

[stephenm]

I’m fully aware of what the addiction takes and destroys in a gamblers life. I’m living it. I’m not looking for sympaty. My manager in work wants me to give up 8 days of my holidays for a 200 euro loan and a ps4 for my son. The ps4 is only worth 299. The loan of 200 has to be paid back at the end of the month. 8 days holidays is worth over 900 euro.  So who wins….They have me working plus paying back the loan. Its only me who put me here. My manager will confirm  his  decision on monday with the general manager. I need to stop for good but ill get there…..I have asked my assistant manger to go to a ga meeting with me because he has been in recovery for 15 years due to drugs and drink. He is clean 15 years. My partner is back from her holidays on monday and I know what wil happen. My son,My father and failmy cant give anymore. I know all this.

[Author]

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