[Stephen3000]

Day 4.

I had quite a sum of cash in my hands today and the thought came in my mind to try my luck.
This feeling went away after 10 seconds and I put all this money in my account. I do not have serious urges, maybe it is because of the NACs. I am happy, that there are no urges but the grievance about the losses is still strong. When I think about the slots, I see myself putting in the money, just like feeding an animal. (with 50 and 100 Euro bills). It gives me goose bumps and I think this is a good sign.

[Stephen3000]

Thank you for the kind words.

I think, if I was busy doing something else that I would really like, I would not have any of these gambling issues.

I am just so bored and interested in virtually nothing. I really hope, that I can rewire my brain and find joy in my daily life without the constant need of a dopamine rush, when pressing the spin button for 10, 20 or 50 Euro per bet. Horrible!

[Stephen3000]

Day 3 and no gambling!

I have not had any serious urges. I am so sad, that I lost so much money in the past, which saddens my mood extremely. All this money, which I saved for when I am old. I can hardly think of anything else.

I also contacted the local casino and they want to invite me for a talk. I am still reluctant to take this step and hope I can manage it myself without giving the control completely away.

I have tried the NAC (which is cough medicine), I cannot really say anything yet however.

Thanks to everyone here in the forum, it is a great place!

[Stephen3000]

Hi Kolberg,

yes I am considering this option very, very seriously. Obviously it is the best choice.

I don´t know, what is actually keeping me from doing this. It would be much better, if our state-owned casinos here would offer the possibility of self banning for 3/6 or 12 months. But the way they handle it here is practically a ban for life.

What if my urges become so strong, that I start online gambling instead or take trips to other countries or to Las Vegas.

It is so strange. I know, that I cannot win back these massive losses. But when I go, I tell myself how great it would be to have 1,000 oder 2,000 Euros more in order to pay for this or that.

[Stephen3000]

Dear I Did It, 

thank you so much for your post. I will definately get these NAC tomorrow and see how this works out. I have not heard of this, but the studies sound quite promising. 

The doctors I went to were not really great. They knew that this coud be a side effect and told me about other patients suffering mostly from other kinds of Impulse Control Disorders. Unfortunately only the Dopaminagonists work for me. If I do not take them, I shake all the time. 

I like the idea to stop worry about the savings, and pick that up when the gambling nitghtmare has ended. I always liked saving money and never threw money out of the window, such as I am doing now. 

Thank you so much for your advice. 

This forum is really good. It is a good feeling, that I am not alone and that there are others who went through similar experiences. 

[Stephen3000]

Hi Steve, thank you for your comment. I was speaking to 3 different neurologists / psychiatrists. They are either smiling about this addiction and not take it serious or they offered different medication, that does not work (such as opioids or medication against epilepsia). I was given an anti-depressant last year and felt pretty good. The losses somehow did not feel so painful, I hardly doubt, that the the anti-depressants were a wise choice for a Gambling Addict. I love travelling! We went to all five continents and I always loved the planning and booking and everything connected with it. I also love frequent flyer miles & hotel points. Since I lost so much money, I am reluctant to travel anywhere. I am trying to save money I guess. I will need to pick this hobby back up. I am glad that you say, one can consider this a hobby. I told myself now: if I go one more time in my home city I will ban myself. I hate to loose control about where I can go when I want and I hate myself for not having this under my own control. Where I live, this is also a lifetime decision. 

What I did do is put myself “On Pause” on the Online Casino I have visited for one week. They have a feature, where you can look up your net winnings or better losses. I thought this must have been pretty even, maybe 1,000 Euro loss. It turned out to be 10,000 Euro lost from November 2018-August 2019. I managed to overcome the urge, since I was blocked. As soon as the pause was lifted, I gambled again. After 200 Euro lost, I put this pause in effect again and I am extremely happy that they offer this. 

[Stephen3000]

Hi Meghna83, fortunately I am not in debt either and there is still money left. But I know, if I do not stop now, everything will be gone. I just cannot control the urge! I am not a stupid person, I have a university degree, my own business. I KNOW that gambling is stupid. I know, I cannot win in the long run. I know that all this is terribly wrong. But I keep on gambling. 

Maybe it is the medication (Ropinirole, Pramipexole) which also adds to the addiction. 

I wish this nighmare would just end. 

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