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Thanks Vera & Fritz! Really appreciate your responses & support. Today was Day 1, given that my last bet was with and online bookie at around 3am on Sunday morning… Back at work today was tough. I have a demanding job & of course there were a few ‘crises’ (if you can call anything that happens in day-t0-day corporate world a crises)., but I got through it.

You guys are right in that thankfully there are still some positives to focus on.. There are bigger ‘rock-bottoms’ out there for me if I want to keep on digging. I know & truly believe this.

Vera – You’re right about losing fast! It really, really hurts, but when you’ve been trying to deal with the problem as long as I have a brutal & quick loss may be just what I need to deal with the problem longer term. Sounds sick (& it is in some way), but like you say CG’s never win. Sorry to hear about your similar experience last year., but well done to you for turning it around & your recovery to date

Fritz – Definitely a strong realisation for me that gambling is 100000% off limits for me. But I have been here before & it’s extremely frustrating to not have learn’t this by now… but gambling is a very powerful addiction.. I think something broke in me yesterday.. I hope it was the last of my will to ever want to gamble again. It feels like that, which is also a positive.

The relapse was horrible.. Almost like I was having an out-of-body experience, watching myself just wanting that one big winner…. It was strange & scary. Probably the first time I have seriously considered suicide… admittedly I was drinking heavily, but I think that’s how it can happen. People can’t control gambling & repeatedly relapse, they get off their face, & they kill themselves not being able to deal with the pain. I don’t say this lightly & it does scare me. Sorry if that is not a healthy thing to post. It was just thoughts thankfully, but it was real & maybe it might have taken that to be able to surrender & get on with my life. I’ll try & track “The Easy Way’ down too given your recommendation.

Also spending time speaking with people who understand the problem, has made me reflect & realise a few things:

1) I’ve never really given quitting gambling & recovery the effort needed. I’ve done counselling & meetings, & got up some periods of abstinence. But never wholly committed to the diligence needed to stay off the punt. That must change.. A sick part of me loves to gamble.. I need to put a lot more hard ongoing work in if I’m to stay in control of that. There were a lot of poor decisions & warning signs that I chose to ignore in teh weeks leading up to this by allowing the addicted part of my brain to start driving the bus .

2) For so long with me it has been totally about the money lost & wallowing in past losses. It is unhealthy & just eventually brings me back to have another go the source of my misery. .oO Maybe controlled gambling over time will allow me to win my money back, I think? & I can somehow conveniently ignore all those painful past experiences. It is crazy, embarrassing & unnecessary.

3) I gotta stop thinking too far ahead of myself. Before the bust I was planning 1 to 2 years ahead. Everything was going great. Had just returned from an O/S holiday.. recently got engaged. A decent amount of money in the back for the first time in years (through time off the punt & not having big busts).. I was living life!.. & then whammo!.. The signs were there for me to realise that some ‘day at a time’ living was needed.

4) I am drinking too much & need to slow down. I am replacing lack of gambling binges with drinking binges & this is a dangerous thing for me.

I know there are some very hard days ahead.. & the urges are worse than ever.. but I got to focus on the bigger picture here & turn this loss into an opportunity to start creating a life with no more gambling regrets.

Goodnight!

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