[soulsearching17]

Thank you again. I have been on a couple of the groups and they are always empty? Is there a particular time/ group to go on etc. I would like to join them.

I will come on tomorrow and update on how my evening went.

Enjoy your evening Sad whatever you may be doing. Happy Halloween. xx

[soulsearching17]

Thank you Sad for talking to me. I will have a look on the link thank you, I am not offended at all, quite the opposite.

I think that I have burnt most of my bridges when it comes to turning anywhere for help, what with the ‘this time will be the last time’ ‘I promise I will stop’ etc etc. I will figure out how to feed kids somehow, that is what us Mums do.

Perhaps after some sleep, I will reassess everything with a clearer head and start to make better sense of it all. I really hope I can sleep a bit tonight as last night I could not with sick and worry and yet I still blew the last of what I had this morning chasing my losses……. There has to be more to life than this?? where and why did it all go so wrong…!!

Ok, giving myself a stern talking to, going to have a look on sane.org and then home to try to sleep. Tomorrow is a brand new day and the fight starts again.

Thank you Sad, you truly are a life saver….. I’d given up hope and lost the will to fight. ODAAT. I know its not going to be easy at all but I have to think of my Son and Daugher.

[soulsearching17]

It seems like every time I start again or take a step forward, I fall harder and take a million steps back. I hate myself and just wish it would stop.

I’ve looked into emotionally unstable personality disorder in more depth today since losing everything this morning, I don’t understand why I have it and why it makes me the way I am. Not only am I fighting the horror that is being a cg but also the delights of mental health issues that I can not control. I’m sorry for whinging on here, I’ve tried to find support all day and nothing has helped me feel better about what I have done.

I declared myself bankrupt on Tuesday which was awful and triggered emotions and feelings that I could not keep control of. I still have not heard anything from the official receiver etc and with everything consuming my mind I wanted to run away and escape like always. I got paid and within 8 hours blew all of my wages. I have paid no rent, no council tax, bills etc and have not a penny left. How can I put my children through this time and time again?? what sort of mother am I? I have no idea what the official receiver will say when they do finally contact me…… I think I have messed up royally and see not a glimmer of light!!

Choked, terrified and alone…… So stupid!!!

[soulsearching17]

I have messed everything up again. I can not even bring myself to talk, I am that choked. Perhaps death looks a brighter option for all involved!!!

Must get a grip!!

[soulsearching17]

Its Saturday morning and I have already had a little victory, every week on a Saturday I receive my tax credits and every week I jump out of bed on auto pilot and blow the lot usually before 10am. I then sit at work worrying myself sick all day wondering how am I going to survive the week. How am I going to get the kids lunches? what needs paying this week that I can now not afford to pay? what excuses can I use this week? etc etc… Well not this week…

I am sat at work like every Saturday, yet this time I have made it to the bank and taken out the cash so that I have no means to spend a penny on those dreaded poisonous online slots. No sitting all day stressing or making myself sick. phew!! instead i’m able to write this and celebrate my little victory and concentrate on the day ahead.

Last night, I had an enjoyable evening with my 12 year old daughter and 5 year old nephew. I walked them to the shops to get some treats for a movie night, stopped at the park on the way back, cooked some nutritious dinner and then watched a film with them. I do not remember the last time I felt able to indulge in things that I’d like to do without feeling guilty. The kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves too so it was a win win.

I really feel that my motivation is returning and I seem to function much better when I am not around my so called partner, I know that speaks volumes, I’m just not ready to tackle it yet.

Back to last night, I set myself 2 tasks to complete and they were to tidy my bedroom (I sound like a teenager haha) it is a dumping ground for everything bought up from downstairs and also doubles as a laundry room. Secondly to sort and do the washing so that I did not need to spend my only day off on Sunday doing it. I was so pleased with myself as I achieved both and also after cooking a delicious dinner, I carried on with the motivation by cleaning the kitchen.

These might sound like everyday things but when you suffer from severe depression, these are major goals to achieve.

Today the goal I have set myself is to plow through the rest of my bankruptcy forms ready for Tuesday. To say I have been procrastinating with these is a tiny understatement so today is the day. I will check back later to update the progress or to SCREAM…… one or the other!!

Wow I really do feel better just writing things down, great therapy. Signing off for now. x

[soulsearching17]

Thank you very much for your post and the lovely comments Sad. It warmed my heart to know that there are like minded people out there. I’m sure with time my self worth will return and I will feel like I am the caring person you mentioned. My plan is to take every day as it comes and give myself a break and a pat on the back with every small victory. I no longer want to be a victim of the past and the cruel events that have shaped my life to date, I want to regain control and find out what it is like to live again.

Just from what you have written in response, I can sense that you are a thoughtful, caring and like minded person and I would love to hear from you again, perhaps you could share some tips or useful places I should visit on the site as I am still trying to find my feet.

Thank you once again Sad for taking some time to respond, i really appreciate it and you lifted my day 🙂

Take care and keep up the amazing good work.

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