[sjb2014]

Twilight and Velvet ..thank you so much.. I keep reading your post.. and hoping to pound your words into my head.
Sometimes I think Im the one with issues
While at work he called me today, said sorry for everything, his insurance was up to date and he wishes he changed but he hasnt and cant handle things.. so now what..I wait for the phone to ring thinking maybe this time it wasnt drama, but I know I did everything I could..
I still let him play me. How and why?
I was getting so strong.. now Im not

[sjb2014]

Jamesn,
Thank you for writing, what you wrote has helped me refocus. just so hard to understand how we have made the sacrifices for them and it wasn’t enough. I know I too lived in constant fear and anxiety of him gambling again, had lots of panic attacks too.. I don’t miss that part. Im hoping to stay strong and hope you are doing okay as well
Sheryl

[sjb2014]

Twilight,
Thank you for writing. I needed that . I am letting his addiction beat me down. I watched him act like the victim in court. Your are exactly right he was looking for enablement, he is so good at that. I just constantly ask myself why .. why .. why was our family not his bottom line, I would ‘of bet ‘ before to anyone that we were his bottom line. The pain is exactly like you said because I tried so many times and he just keeps gambling. So hard to understand why he makes those choices over keeping his family. I need to rebuild my wall and try to look forward.. or you are right again.. Im going to regret it.
thanks for listening and responding , Sheryl

[sjb2014]

addendum: feeling like maybe I should write him, but is it worth it ? Tell him my heartache and how I feel again.. but really is it worth it?

[sjb2014]

thank you for writing.. I didn’t think I would need support still.. but still feeling I need it.. I had to go to court yesterday.. I finally said he cant do this to me. I filed contempt of court against him because he has continued to gamble and not pay adequate child support. I was in a court room with my ex-husband…20 years married.. asking him to please pay for his children. He stood up said he had paid some, but not all, and he suffers from mental illness, and gambling addiction. I said nothing, my lawyer was with me. The hearing was over.. he walked out behind me.. not a word spoken between us. How has this happened.. I then get a text 3 hours later, it said he is sorry that it has come to this.. and maybe our marriage was a lie .. and again he writes Im sorry. I have been heartbroken , crying since yesterday.. what is wrong with me.. why am I not just angry . I am disappointed in myself. I feel like my life is surreal.. in a bad way. He chose to gamble.. walk away from treatment.. and Im here feeling guilty, I text me he want his life with me, this is my fault, he wanted to grow old with me… well I wanted that more than anyone.. please help me get stronger.. I was doing so good.

[sjb2014]

I have been strong.. and now feeling weak. I saw Craig yesterday, he looks awful. Admits to constantly gambling. I really thought he would of stopped.. divorced now for 7 months.. and I wasn’t enough.. how is that possible? Our car is in repossession because he has it and hasn’t paid.. the bank keeps calling me. I saw Craig for the first time in months, talked to him.. and now feeling guilty. He says I was his only happiness and I kept him from getting this out of control, he said he lives in his car.. the car looks like he does.. clothes etc in back seat. He then text me that he cant live with the guilt and hope is remembered for being a good dad and not a loser gambler. My mind is so mixed up today. I am scared he will finally go through with his threats of suicide.. and actually feeling that during the 20 years of marriage.. maybe I didn’t do enough… I know I did though… please help me get my self back together.. falling apart again..

[sjb2014]

I am so thankful I have found this support. I read the post you all have written to get me thru the day. I try to focus on me and my kids.. and trying to tell myself being happy is ok. I still find myself getting gut wrenching pains when I think ,, has this really happened to me. How did addiction to gambling do this? I find it hard to talk to friends/family.. they don’t understand. They ask me why didn’t he just stop, did I try enough, did he try therapy.. oh my god I want to scream.. I did it all.. I just didn’t tell anyone.. and now they all want to judge, criticize, offer advice.. I get so angry.
I look at pictures of our family.. and see how hard I tried and just still get so upset that addiction was so powerful.
I have found some happiness with an old friend. I went to dinner with him. Funny,, he has been divorced for over a year because his wife was addicted to pain medication.. so we have shared stories. We laugh, cry and support each other. Developing a friendship.. but then I find myself feeling guily .. what is wrong with me!! I stop myself from happiness. I think about why did he gamble.. why wasn’t I enough.. why did he do this to my kids… why why why.
Maybe Im just tired today. Thankful I have this support page to write on.
Thanks for listening
Sheryl

[sjb2014]

I want to thank everyone that has responding to my story .. and my need for validation. I cant thank you enough. I have read what you each have written me many times over the last few days.. I read them and feel stronger.
Its crazy that I still seek validation even after having to sign contempt of court paperwork today because I haven’t received any child support .
And Saturday he tried to get money from me, my son, my sister and my mom. He went to a casino instead of my sons basketball tournament.. said he couldn’t get to my son because he gambled all his money away and had no money for gas. My son was 4 hours away from home… he chose to go gambling instead.. and please tell me why do I carry guilt for trying to be happy? How is it that he has no line .. I had to draw the line.. why not him? How is it that he has no consequences… losing his family wasn’t enough to make him stop this addiction.. it hurts so much .

[sjb2014]

I need someone to walk with me too… I recently drew the line after 20 years of marriage. My family destroyed by addiction. How has this happened. I gave everything I had. Paid for inpatient therapy 3 times… he left each time. Counseling…Dr spots for his depression..his suicide attempt… I love him still…but let the addiction take my 20 year marriage. I’m always looking for someone to say I did what’s right..did I?

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