[sirena0215]

Arvasin, et saidi kõik osad on hästi üle viidud ja näevad palju paremad välja. Kõik peale foorumi. Ma soovin, et nad oleksid selle asja natuke rohkem läbi mõelnud. Me ei saa enam linkida oma ajakirjadega, välja arvatud postituse kuupäeva või teema järgi otsitud otsingu kaudu. Jah, ja mõned meie postitused kadusid, nii et me pole viimasel ajal palju tegevust näinud, millest on kahju. Ma tõesti naudin kõigi postituste lugemist.

[sirena0215]

September 13, 2013

A month and a half ago, my CG recovery began with the biggest mistake of my life, brutal honesty, and then forgiveness. I’ve continued to follow-through on my decision to live a gambling-free life through daily introspection, meditation, and an effort to get back to my core through new activities and ventures, like cooking and therapy. I’m also reincorporating old interests, like reading and writing. Music has made a comeback too. I started connecting with random tracks in TV and movies, and spending more time using my music apps. I hadn’t noticed how much I was dulled to music and didn’t notice when I had stopped listening to it. The renewed sensitivity to music actually makes sense to me, as the numbing and distracting effects of my gambling addiction begin to wear off. And that’s when the showdown with what I’d been suppressing for the last 7 years happened. The day I was expecting for some time came around two weeks ago, during the holidays. The “feelings” I had been avoiding through compulsive gambling finally caught up with me on one of the busiest day of my year. Maybe it was the long weekend and a combination of the break up with my boyfriend, but the whole week was leading to a meltdown.

It only took 33 days of recovery to move from my state of emotional avoidance–to bouncing off the walls in fury. For twelve hours, my head and heart were making the rounds through past disappointments, betrayals, heartbreak, rip-offs, and bad endings. I hadn’t been successful at completely making sense of key events in my past, and the process of reconnecting with myself surfaced some deep-seated feelings of anger. The more I reflected on the past, the angrier I got. And I eventually worked myself up into such a fury that I spent a sleepless, restless night and a 6-hour day of work doing exactly 4 tasks. That was new. As a workaholic, I was a pro at avoiding feelings by burying myself in work and effectiveness, so this constant distraction of overwhelming, intense waves of hurt and fury were a very different experience. I’d always been able to bury feelings in work, gambling, exercise or other activities in the past. It wasn’t working anymore. So, I gave up trying to figure it all out on my own and called the 800-Gambler hotline. Even as I made the decision to call, I had to squash the thought that I was supposed to be able to handle my problems on my own. Whoever programmed that into my thinking early on – thanks! Deciding that it was okay to seek help from someone more educated and qualified to tell me what was going on in my head, was another decision I made differently. Plus, I obviously didn’t have my **** together enough to figure it out on my own. My therapist was kind enough to put it more gently, “Let’s just say you’re too close to the problem.” Even though I didn’t have the cravings or urges to gamble, I knew that the feelings I struggled with were what nudged me towards trouble and allowed my addiction to take hold in the first place. The phone call to the hotline calmed me down just a little bit. But the exercises that the counselor suggested, like ******** to ten (I was way beyond that) and redirecting my thoughts didn’t help. What did help was this: After I hung up, I noticed a news article on the table that was about a woman who had been kidnapped, held hostage and held for ransom in Somalia for 460 days, and had 12 minutes of freedom during that entire time. She was never alone, and most days she didn’t even know whether she was going to live or die (gulp). Here I was, banging my head over feeling ******* out of the last few years of my life, and then I realized that there were people out there who actually were ******* out of years of their life, and also deprived of their freedom. Thank you, Universe, I got it. Hotline counselor should’ve just prescribed a dose of the NY *****. But I’ll take the help in whatever unexpected form it’s offered.

Processing those intense and difficult feelings ended up becoming the most important part of my recovery these last couple of weeks, even though it felt like hell. I learned that when I felt “it” was becoming too much to process, going out into the world (figuratively or literally) helped to break me out of my cycle. It was exhausting. And I was so relieved to hear that my feelings would probably not be as intense moving forward now that I’d gone through this thing. My counselor said, “That was so good for you to go through. When it happens again, you’ll know what to do and be better prepared.” The analogy she used was it was like going to the dentist. It’s gotta be done. Somehow, I need to learn to regard my feelings less like a root canal and treat them with more respect and attention as they come up. I am so bad at sitting with my feelings, stewing in them and exploring them like some of my wacky, but emotionally in-tune friends. I grew up with great examples of stoicism and toughness–emotional acknowledgement and expression, not so much. Since attaining emotional coping skills overnight is pretty unrealistic, I know that getting through my redo (my new chance at a different life) is going to require some new behaviors where my emotions are concerned. That or suffer the consequences of a relapse. The power of negative feelings to undermine health and happiness is astounding to me. My dark side behaviors came from a place of avoidance, and I definitely do not want to repeat old patterns.

I suppose some feelings, like some things in life, can never be fully explained or justified or analyzed. They just happen. The things I had been obsessing over …it was just life happening to me.

But I think that’s only half of it. The implied idea that life was happening “to me,” versus me making my ideal life happen…Yes, there are things that happened that I didn’t choose, and then there were things I did do to try to create a life of meaning. When the latter didn’t work out it, it was alright on a normal day. But when the two converged, my actions with other major bad experiences not of my choosing, during a period I was severely burned out and had no energy left and battling other issues, I think I had shut down just to try to protect myself. I began gambling more during that time period.

When the time came for me to tackle and square those things in my past, I had a chance to rework my leftover feelings in one maddening day, and I survived.

I recently read an article about the value of suffering: http://p.nytimes.com/email/re?location=InCMR7g4BCKC2wiZPkcVUiGuHDNB+q0J&user_id=a23e19ec8f6de54508d485d07e071c1b&email_type=eta&task_id=1378649399125298&regi_id=0.
And I thought to myself, “What possible use or value could suffering serve?” Apparently suffering does serve a purpose.

It’s called growth.

[sirena0215]

Well, it looks like my last post was erased. This site provides a valuable humanitarian service, but I’m hoping they won’t need to do another website migration – ever.

[sirena0215]

Good to hear from you, Adele. I’m in the middle of the busiest work week of the year, so little writing opportunities recently, and also still processing some very important new learning from the last two weeks. Maybe it’s you who should share your recipes with me, since I’m sticking to very simple pastas and a variety of salads 🙂

[sirena0215]

Hi Betty,
Thank you for re-posting your readings and some of the old posts for the newcomers on the site, like me. After a tough week of being ‘in between’ and also settling into my second month of recovery, the 3 readings were very helpful. Thanks again. Sirena

[sirena0215]

Hi Betty,
Thank you for re-posting your readings and some of the old posts for the newcomers on the site, like me. After a tough week of being ‘in between’ and also settling into my second month of recovery, the 3 readings were very helpful. Thanks again. Sirena

[sirena0215]

Hey Dan – wow! That is a significant insight you gained from a simple metaphor. (Not mine by the way, just heard it somewhere.)

How you describe chasing was almost like being inside my head, and all of the Compulsive Gamblers reading this will surely attest to that. Yes, Danchaser, you nailed it. "Put your sledgehammer down, keep your hands up, and back away from the casino tables slowly."

You reminded me of how the winning felt great at first. I think it was someone on this forum who posted that when Kelsey Grammar was interviewed about his ******* addiction and asked about his regrets, he said he never regretted any of it because he felt f’–ng great while he was doing it. Like most of us, my excitement was fueled by increasing amounts of winning and wagers.

Looking back, however, the increase in excitement and increase in gambling was inversely proportionate to the decrease in excitement from other (healthier) parts of my life. These healthier parts disappeared and left big holes for the addiction to sweep in and fill. I study those healthy parts of my life that disappeared very closely now. The autopsy helps me with my recovery. It happened over many years, but the lack of excitement and the absence of joy in my life were the truer sources of my addiction. There were others, and they all progressed over time, but I am reminded that an important one was excitement. Where’d that all go? And then the gambling fun turns into that monstrous realization we all face in the end. One of the most demoralizing experiences we go through is that walk of shame after it stops being fun and we lose everything. To top it off, those of us in denial and still unaware of our addiction always walk out thinking, "What the **** is wrong with me?!" "What happened just now?" "Am I slowly going insane?" I say yes to that last one, though. Especially because there are only a few possible endings to our road as Compulsive Gamblers: prison, death, insanity. Recovery, as you mention Danchaser: Recovery is never-ending.

Celebrating your victory and breakthrough as if it were my own. – S– 9/6/2013 9:15:14 AM: post edited by Sirena0215.

[sirena0215]

Greetings Soliloquy,
You have taken a really big step. You’ve decided to get professional treatment and reached out for support from others, as hard as that was for you. It also sounds like you are ready to make a change by sharing your story. As Bettie says, there is no one here who has not been where you are. Some of us are just a little bit further down the road, and we will all tell you the same thing: What you are feeling now, you will not always feel. I am a very private person, and talking to others during my first week of recovery (36 days ago) was a tremendous help. So, however you can find a way to talk to other Compulsive Gamblers or support community…it may take time and effort, but the benefits will far outweigh the potential discomfort. Take care and good thoughts your way.

[sirena0215]

You’re so right, Danchaser. Our underlying issues, and working on our ‘thing’ after our initial gambling crises requires some different thinking and methods. I’ve had to put down the sledgehammer and pick up the chisel, and this phase of work seems a lot harder to me, because as you say, it is now all about the long days. I definitely relate to your frustration and so glad you’re able to get it off your chest here. And I really do hope this isn’t as good as it gets!
None of us ever planned on becoming compulsive gamblers. I’ve certainly opened my eyes to the fact that this addiction can bring down the best of us, as well as the most fragile of us. But I do hope that after the work is done, that those things we are longing for, like strength, meaning, renewed sense of purpose, and a measure of peace can be found. It took most of us years to get where we are, so I doubt progress ever happens quickly or in a straight line.
I hope your next goal is a worthy one that will make you whole.
Ps, also sad BB is ending so soon, but I’m looking forward to Homeland too! Will check out House of Cards.– 9/2/2013 8:48:26 PM: post edited by Sirena0215.– 9/3/2013 2:37:11 AM: post edited by Sirena0215.

[sirena0215]

Yesterday marked my one month anniversary of recovery.
This last week was about acceptance, grieving, and a slow, inevitable move from immediate crisis to the real work of rewiring my daily thoughts and behavior. Brief bursts of bawling still hit me out of the blue while I was driving, or I’d find myself sniffling into my bowl of soup while watching Breaking Bad. I only had one instance of waking up in the middle of the night with a heavy chest and needing to get my breathing under control this week. But I allowed these short fits of emotion and anxiety to pass. Most importantly, I remembered to acknowledge whatever feelings were coming up for me. I understood that I was crying for the loss of the past, as I fired off emails to co-workers about meetings and events, two months from now, that will not include me.
I also started to watch Breaking Bad from the first season all the way through to the current season, and it has been fantastic therapy! A little passive, but cathartic and riveting, to say the least, and I so enjoyed watching a former mild-mannered suburban father and high school chemistry teacher, turned meth-lab **** lord, undergo one of the most villainous transformations on TV. I read a great article about what makes a person bad, “…— his actions, his motives, or his conscious decision to be a bad person? Judging from the trajectory of its first three seasons, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan believes the answer is option No. 3.” (http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6763000/bad-decisions.)
This week I also started to **** – as in food – not Breaking Bad “****ing" . This was quite a shock, as I’d never had any interest in ****ing my entire life. I was never food motivated, and usually the slowest eater at the table. Until recently, I often found myself skipping meals. And then seven days ago, I started preparing and ****ing every meal for myself, every day. My therapist and I believe it’s an expression of nurturing behavior, re-learning how to care for myself, and taking the time to slow things down. I enjoy cutting and dicing, the visceral experience of handling the food, and the process of preparing a healthy meal. It’s a soothing and meditative practice that I am coming back to, through a new activity, transferring some of the meditation skills learned from a lifelong avocation in the martial arts.
So with these fairly normal and minor activities, the daily restructuring of my physiological and psychological well-being had begun.
I also told my therapist that, with the exception of one instance of thoughts about my unused free play this month, I was a little confused that I wasn’t experiencing more gambling cravings. She explained that once a CG has been able to make the connections between their addiction and the underlying causes, then the cravings naturally start to drop off. I said, “Okay, and then what?” My perceptive counselor asked, “And then what about ‘what’? Do you mean, specifically, what happens after our calls end, or what happens next week? Or…?” I beat around the bush a little bit by clarifying the first items, but came around to my real fears.
My real fears came up whenever I started to think about the future and the unknown. Like every normal human being would in my position, I suppose, I was struggling with where I would be working and living in two months. I’d been running or hiding from making changes in my life for many years, and I’d come to a place where all of that work started all over again. What happens now? The answer is I don’t know. It’s a little less scary to admit that this week. I just need to continue to keep breathing and to keep ****ing for now.– 9/2/2013 7:51:04 AM: post edited by Sirena0215.

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