[sirena0215]

Thank you for your kind words, Laura.
I’m not a writer, but I have stacks of journals from the last 30 years that have prepared me to be as brutally honest as I can with myself in writing.

Not coincidentally, journaling had ceased to be a refuge and creative outlet, and a truly inadequate exercise to address/appease this growing emptiness I’d been feeling for quite a number of years (right around the time I started gambling). I wasn’t experiencing depression exactly, but was badly burned out and unhappy. No matter what I tried, except for gambling, I found nothing worth investing my time and money. Sigh… A really good therapist would’ve been able to avert a disaster at this stage.

But I was so very grateful to find this site a few months ago early on in my recovery. It allowed me to identify and reconnect to old practices like writing, meditation, while identifying new practices (cooking, calligraphy, binge TV-watching) to move me along on my recovery. Last but not least, I was able to offer and receive insight from others.

Although my journey has been profoundly humbling, enlightening, and humanizing (I am a much kinder person than I used to be), I’ve caught myself resisting change through self-sabotaging acts of procrastination these last few weeks. As hard as it is to deal with bouts of financial worries and regrets, better to stick with a sense of renewal/hope, self-discovery, vigilance, and awareness.

Hoping your journey finds you well and in good spirits, Laura.

All the Best, – S

[sirena0215]

Hi Adele,
So sorry for the delay. I did check on my missing posts and the GT team will probably not be able to find and reload the missing posts, which is sad because the messages from you and others during my first few days of recovery were a life-saver.

I believe we were sharing my resources, the “where” and “how” I was able to get the help I needed in those first weeks, especially for someone like me who had no experience with addiction in the past – not one single friend or family member who had suffered through a similar experience. When I get a break this evening and back from my meetings, I will post back in more detail about my process too, since I think that was something you had expressed interest in, as well.

I’m glad you’re feeling better and on your way to a healthier you!

Take care and will be in touch again soon,
– S

[sirena0215]

Hi Dan, so good to hear you’re on track with your goals. When you talk about learning to live in a more balanced (mellow) way, I hear you! I used to live in constant high gear and am learning to identify the gears between high and low.

I’ve not had many urges or worries about a relapse (with the exception of one big clarifying experience I’ll write more about in my own journal), but it helps to know that you and others are winning their battles. Whether we come to our own understanding of our addiction from many angles and recurring events or through big traumatic life-changing experiences, we do eventually come to a place that shows us who we are now. And we decide to live differently. You and I know the tricky part is ‘living.’

May I ask, what are some of the activities you’ve discovered to get to a more balanced life?

All the Best,
-S

[sirena0215]

Hi Dan,
How’s it going? Had you seen the Breaking Bad finale the other night? Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say hi and hope you’re doing well. Hope you are on better footing with your recovery this month.
All the Best,
Sirena

[sirena0215]

Hi Adele, I don’t mean to but in, so pardon me if my note seems intrusive. I’ve been following your story with interest and just wanted to let you know that I hope you get better soon. Both physically and emotionally. We’re all on your side and can see your energy and health is waning. Things have changed drastically for you, and it will probably be some time before adjustments to your emotional independence and new mental models can be fully made. I can see you’ve tried to be strong and generous for your CG in the past. You’ve also been a supportive voice for many of us here on GT, including me. I want to return the favor and let you know I’m sending good thoughts your way. Take care and don’t forget to be kind to yourself! All the Best, Sirena

[sirena0215]

🙂

You just get it, girl!

[sirena0215]

Hi Cat – thank you for your monthly thread and pledge. I have 2 months under my belt and gladly pledge to my next month of continuing the journey. Congratulations to everyone!

[sirena0215]

I joined GT on August 27, 2013 under my original post “The World Breaks Everyone.” The quote is from Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms:
“The World Breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

62 days ago, I admitted to myself, to my colleagues and to my loved ones that I had a gambling addiction. And in that order because my compulsive gambling eventually led to acts of embezzlement, which resulted in legal/financial trouble and a fall from grace in the eyes of people I admired most in the world. Financial damage assessment to date is approximately $150,000, including loans from various friends and family members, credit cards and other personal debt.

During GT’s transition to its new website and format, I re-visited my old posts to see if my thread was salvageable. In the process, I had a chance to re-read my story with fresh eyes. During my first month of not gambling, I binged on TV as a source of therapy and a passive substitution for gambling. The TV show Breaking Bad embodied a particular inner struggle for me. (Spoiler alert: Jesse Pinkman lives!) Looking back, my story wasn’t only a story about how I broke bad, but also a testament to the good in my life. When I hit rock bottom, through the grace of their combined experience, kindness, compassion and forgiveness, my employers, my family members (not all), my very dear old friends, and some new CG friends supported me, loved me, and encouraged me to continue to beat my addiction. This restored my faith in others, and gave me hope for the future.

Through the filter of those early, fraught days of desperation and despair, I saw that I also struggled with huge fears of the unknown. It’s easy to see why I identified and resonated so strongly with words “breaking” “bad” and the world “breaks” everyone. I was broken. But I see now that I’m no longer in that place. And I’m also no longer that person.

In my second month of recovery, I moved from a state of “broken” to “wounded.” Somehow, I turned a corner and was fortunate enough to be able to come to some realizations about a new way of life. I began to build a life that incorporated my new-found CG knowledge into my daily living.

Now in my third month of recovery, I’ve started moving from a state of “wounded” to another, newer state. If I were to start a new thread at this moment on this new site, it would be called “And the Healing Has Begun.” (Van Morrison)

[sirena0215]

Since the new forum censors have been updated (thanks GT!), I am going to try and continue my old thread and see how that works for now.

[sirena0215]

I’ve tried re-posting my last journal entry and it appears that the new Forum censors are turning some of the words in my posts, like stolen and times to ****. Normal words like cooking and ******** in older posts have been converted to ******* and giving my past posts a slightly obscene twist. Rather than trying to post on my old thread and risk some pretty normal comments becoming crude and harsher where they are not intended, I’m going to close this thread and begin a new one, in hopes posting to new thread will happen without inaccurate censoring and twisting meaning.

[sirena0215]

Thanks for your note Adele, hope you and everyone on the site is well.

[sirena0215]

Hey P – congratulations! Congratulations because not knowing who we are might be a good thing. As a very recent recovering CG, I know it is for me. Uncertainty means I’m ready to re-examine my “self” as I am today without the unproductive thoughts, activities, and judgments that used to occupy my time and space (when I was gambling).

I read a quote today that I thought was a good one:
“The greatest remedy in the world is change; and change implies the passing from the old to the new. It is also the only path that leads from the lesser to the greater, from the dream to the reality, from the wish to the heart’s desire fulfilled. It is change that brings us everything we want. It is the opposite of change that holds us back from that which we want. But change is not always external. Real change, or rather the cause of all change, is always internal. It is the change in the within that first produces the change in the without. To go from place to place is not a change unless it produces a change of mind—a renewal of mind. It is the change of mind that is the change desired. It is the renewal of mind that produces better health, more happiness, greater power, the increase of life, and the consequent increase of all that is good in life. And the constant renewal of mind—the daily change of mind—is possible regardless of times, circumstances or places. He who can change his mind every day and think the new about everything every day, will always be well; he will always have happiness; he will always be free; his life will always be interesting; he will constantly move forward into the larger, the richer and the better; and whatever is needed for his welfare today, of that he shall surely have abundance.” (Christine D Larson)

I’m about two months free from gambling and the fact that I get a re-do of my life is pretty liberating. Also scary. It’s kind of kick to discover what makes me want to wake up in the morning every day now. It’s the simple pleasures like taking a walk outside on the beach, reading a book or eating a healthy meal that I look forward to. I’m feeling grateful today for another chance to be the person I want to be.

[sirena0215]

Arvasin, et saidi kõik osad on hästi üle viidud ja näevad palju paremad välja. Kõik peale foorumi. Ma soovin, et nad oleksid selle asja natuke rohkem läbi mõelnud. Me ei saa enam linkida oma ajakirjadega, välja arvatud postituse kuupäeva või teema järgi otsitud otsingu kaudu. Jah, ja mõned meie postitused kadusid, nii et me pole viimasel ajal palju tegevust näinud, millest on kahju. Ma tõesti naudin kõigi postituste lugemist.

[sirena0215]

I thought all of the sections of the site were transitioned well, and look a lot better. All except for the Forum. I wish they had thought this one through a bit more. We can no longer link to our own journals, except through a drawn out search by post date or topic. Yes, and some of our posts disappeared, so we haven’t seen much activity lately, which is a shame. I really enjoy reading everyone’s posts.

[sirena0215]

Pensavo che tutte le sezioni del sito fossero state trasferite bene e avessero un aspetto molto migliore. Tutti tranne il Forum. Vorrei che avessero pensato a questo un po' di più. Non possiamo più collegarci alle nostre riviste, se non attraverso una ricerca estesa per data di pubblicazione o argomento. Sì, e alcuni dei nostri post sono scomparsi, quindi non abbiamo visto molta attività ultimamente, il che è un peccato. Mi piace molto leggere i post di tutti.

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