[seri68]

Feeling vunrerable and stressed tonight but taking strength from Geordie’s journal that one thing is certain that things won’t be any better if I gamble .

[seri68]

Another week starts and I’m feeling a bit flat .But I know the things I need to be doing and just need to get off my backside and do them .
Things for me are progressing and I could be in a so much worse position .
Onwards x

[seri68]

So its been an up and down week . I’ve took a bit of a battering in the GT support groups ,not in a bad way ,but feel like I’ve shocked a few with the pure level of my stupidity regarding gambling . It sort of makes me laugh really and that is so wrong ,this total cavalier attitude I have to money .
But it isn’t a laughing matter at all and tomorrow I’m going to get 3 exclusion forms from 3 different bookies and photos then get them into the places I’m most vulnerable ,like the one 5 doors down to where I collected this week.Should have done it before now as no reason not to ,in my head I maybe didn’t want to .
But onwards and onwards I go , I didn’t lose anything this week apart from my sanity and have got to accept that I can’t handle money .If I can get through a few more weeks things for me can get better .

[seri68]

I’ve just deleted my last few posts , prob shouldn’t have as journal won’t make sense to anyone reading it .
Just pure paranoia that someone would read that I know and put two and two together .
But I can act on the good advice if been given . But as Geordie says its really down to me , and as I know deep down , collecting is just not something I should ever ,ever ,ever be doing .x

[seri68]

Ive had a teriffic day doing something I enjoy .
This for me is my way forward . I cant handle money at this point in my life , whether I ever will be able to ,I don’t know .
Today I haven’t had any money and haven’t got any now . My dad has got it , which has worked so ,so well . No money is such a good barrier for me .So hopefully in time I can learn ways of handling money by being accountable as without my dads help I know I would struggle .
But today’s been a real day to remember and the hard work I’ve put in will help me in staying on track and paying my debts .
Its simple and daft to say but I know exactly what u have to do to keep myself from gambling . Just need to do those things .
Happy Easter everyone x

[seri68]

The weekend rolls round again and I’m in good shape ,calm and at peace with myself . Probably should explain ” at peace with myself ” , just when gambling I would a!ways feel so agitated about everything , money , bets , where the next money was coming from or next bet.
I have good plans for the weekend to keep me busy ,doing things that I enjoy . The holiday weekends are always a difficult time for me that always highlight that I’m on my own because of the total hash I’ve made of my life because of constant gambling. But this weekend but I’ve got a plan and that’s progress for me .
Happy Easter everyone x

[seri68]

Feeling good today and no reason to gamble . Could never understand my thought of making money through gambling , never worked out as even when I did win ,it would be gone the next day or the one after.
My dad has paid my bills and took me shopping which I find hard but it keeps me safe . I’m doing OK but feels like I’m just existing .How will I ever live a normal life if I can’t trust myself to ever pay my own bills .
But that’s how it is at the moment and I will always be a CG or at least a hopefully a recovering CG .
So its 6.32 now, amazing that even when I’m off work I need to get up , and can plan my day to have a good one and spring into spring and Easter .x

[seri68]

Thanks Vera for your support .
I’ve had a real positive weekend but that’s what I’m like up and down. Can go into this week in good shape , payday on Friday so have no access but can look to make it easier for my mam and dad . They got me shopping this weekend and the prick I am was thinking what the f#### this ! Healthy food !!! But it can be easy shopping for someone else and should be grateful not critical .
So many things I can be doing to get straight and progress but I find it hard to get focused . Recently I’ve been thinking of getting some real counselling for things , which are all linked to gambling but part of my life’s issues . As much as my dad helps me ,I know he’s incapable of just talking as would stress and worry him even more than I do now . Having said that my dad could help me implement any changes and plans that I could cone up with .
Sorry for the ramble , I’ve had a great day today and on an upward curve ,saw my dearest granma today ,96 , 50 years older than me .
The bottom line is that my life can be whatever is want it to be , I can forget the past but learn from my mistakes .
Hope everyone tonight is OK , probably not , but can find the strength to cope with whatever life throws at them .xx

[seri68]

I’ve had another good week with few urges to gamble ,in what has been a week full of memories .
But its my future I can change so I need to keep focused .
The GT groups this week have been full of anger , I think that’s what gambling does to you , a real desire to become the person you want to be but its never easy .
I have enjoyed the chat and taken on board a lot of the ideas and wisdom from the facilitators and members but its finding something that works for me .
The weekend is here again and I have no reason to gamble so will make my plan again and try to keep to it .x

[seri68]

I have had a great weekend and then m in a good frame of mind . I can’t start getting complacent as know I will always be a CG , but if I can plan everyday and look out for the signs , bit like final destination films , I can progress in my life .
But for tonight I can just be happy that I’ve still got my health and home .And also that I’ve seen my mam today and thanked her for all she does for me and has put up with .
So another week starts and hope to carry on .x

[seri68]

The weekend rolls round again and I’m at peace with myself , going to try and really make this weekend a relaxing one .I’m in a good place at the moment and want to try and capture this feeling and build on it .
I’ve now paid back £1100 of the £1700 I lost 7 weeks ago and I think my dad can see that I’ve made an effort .That’s with him having all control of my funds but its so much easier . He’s even bought a mother’s day present for me , something I usually struggle with a would go out to town and a £30 present usually ended up £300 spent , £270 in the bookies.
There will be a time where I’m debt free again and and have 100% of my wages again but will have to think about how I can live a normal life without ever carrying money , I’m world class in compulsiveness.
But that’s down the line . Hope everyone is able to cope with the problems that arise from this terrible addiction this weekend and has a good one x

[seri68]

Got through today with major urges to gamble . Stayed back at work till racing had finished and came home .Its going to be a long week but Im ready to plan my week to the Max and keep busy .

[seri68]

Just up and its 3am , feel I’ve got a cold coming on . Still go into work but maybe a long day . Gambling wise I’ve had a smashing weekend and my thought of the weekend was that I was so settled . I wasn’t thinking about getting up to check some random football game from Azerbaijan or to collect winnings and try again .It’s a good feeling . x

[seri68]

Just woke up to start my weekend . I feel I’m doing OK but know that I have to keep focused everyday. I want to have a good weekend to be able to start work on Monday in top shape with Cheltenham . I know Cheltenham is just another race meeting with horses running round a track but the media goes mental about it ,to claw you in , and its everywhere.
So need to get my plan together for the weekend , not get bogged down and agitated on the things I want to do and be focused.
Hope everyone has a good weekend gambling free and can find the strength to keep going x

[seri68]

Don’t you think its time
We started
Doing what we always wanted
One day were going to get so high

[Author]

Posts