[Seester]

After Christmas my brother sent the familu a text about how he’s going to change and get his life on track. But since then there were two occurrences where he would text one family asking for some money and then weeks later ask another family member. Both times we said no but I just don’t know if more should be said…What is the right thing to say? Or does it even matter. He would ask in a sense of hey can you help me out? Or can you spot me? In our minds we want to say so much like I know you’re just going to gamble it off, why should I loan you when you’re never going to pay me back? Are you even doing anything to work on your addiction? How are you trying to get better? Right now we’ve decided to just keep it short with saying no and denying him access to any cash funds. It’s hard because I’m not there to be able to see him to gauge what state he’s in. There’s always that fear of will this no push you over the edge? Anyway…just trying to stay as strong as we can to not enable him but also want him to know we love him. 

[Seester]

I’m sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. It’s so heartbreaking because we do love them so much. The frustration of not being able to control the situation is hard on everyone. I felt helpless too and really overwhelmed but reading through this forum helped me feel less alone. I hope your brother is in a better state now. Right now my brother is saying how he’s not emotional about anything and is surprisingly doing okay so I guess I should take that and hope it’s true. 

I hope our brothers can get the help that they need soon. I want to stop adding to the memort book of…he did this and borrowed this much and lied about this…etc. 

[Seester]

Thanks so much for the supportive comment. I have read it the day you posted but have not had a chance to respond. I am so glad I was able to share my thoughts since I quickly felt depressed and contemplated about trying to help my brother out but I know bailing him out would not be the right thing to do. My supervisor at work suggested that I make sure I arm myself with the right resources to make the best decision for our family because he worried that it might impact my own marriage if it becomes a habitual thing. 

I had sent him this text: I was reading things about gambling addiction and you may feel like I’m overstepping my boundaries but I think you have an addiction that is beyond what you can control on your own. It’s a serious and really hard problem to deal with on your own. You will need professional and constant help from family and friends to get you through it. When you reach out and need money and the lies you tell…it’s the demon controlling you. I can’t imagine how life has been for you all this time not having any tools of how to overcome it…so you just give in because that’s all you know. I need you to tell us what you want us to do to help you through this and get back on your feet. I know you want to be the best version of yourself. 

He responded saying no he just needed to hit rock bottom and he’ll manage on his own.

Then I left off with “you can’t do it on your own…there’s no way…yes you gotta hit rock bottom but it’s like any addicts, if it’s easy for them to stop why didn’t they? Because it’s hard. Really hard. When you want the help, when you’re ready for it…then I’ll help you find it. But letting you borrow money or helping clear off your debt when you haven’t fixed the problem will just cycle around again. I won’t push it and will let you find your way on your own but just know that I’m here for you when you need me.“

Since then I haven’t heard from him. It was the first time in our lives that I have ever said anything to him about his addiction. His response was short but I expected that. The silence for me is comforting because I don’t have to deal with the stress. However I know a lot of secrecy cycle with him such as another sibling telling me how he’s been reaching out to them to ask for a few hundred dollars for food and gas or whatever reason.

I’m wondering what am I to do next? Wait until the next bomb explodes and hope it’s fixable? Do I try and reach out to my other siblings and talk about a plan of action so that we’re all on the same page? I know how easy it is to feel out of sight out of mind since we all have our own lives but I don’t want to live in regret if anything happens to him and I could have done something or could have done more. 

[Author]

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