[schnauzerlvr]

Another day with a victory.

[schnauzerlvr]

Hi, you are no different than any of us, no win is ever enough so as I tell myself if I can’t walk away with a win why am I here in the first place, and there is no worse feeling that praying to just get back what I lost but as you know because you have won back what you lost you keep playing and then say the same prayer, it never ends. We don’t need to win free $ we play due to other reasons mine is a result of just being lonely and I will remain that way till I stop because who would want a compulsive gambler in there life, I would not want me so I try to stop but only for today and if I can do that every day I will change we are not stupid but why would we risk so much for so little. This may sound like a very bad thing to say to you but Try to think of a life without your family because they are part of the bet there is nothing that is not on the table when you place you could loose a lot more than you are aware of. I know what I speak of as do many others on this site. I have paid I huge price in the past due to video poker and the funny thing is they call it a game, this is no game. I hope you read and post it could save you from a lesson you really don’t want to have to learn.

[schnauzerlvr]

*****, I have been able to fight off the urges so far buy remembering that nothing ever changes out there. I seem to have what I need and it is nice to have $ in my pocket for normal things like a meal or whatever I may want. The problem is as I see it that correct choices are made when I am sane and in control but once I let just a little bad thinking in all sane choices can go out thee window. I can just go have a drink play a few dollars and be in control well if this were the case I would not find myself here and I would not be carrying all my $ with me, one push of the button and all is lost and that is always follow by depression and possibly much worse, I may not be able to eat have gas in my car and who knows what else and that is always because I was trying to win something I never needed. This addiction is not about $ it is about being lonely & sad and the thrill of hitting something to win I must stop and I just need to stay focused and busy on the positive.

[schnauzerlvr]

***** short post for it is late and I worked 11 Hrs, could have been a good time to go and **** off for a while because I met my weekly goal and had a good week at work but it would have ended the same as 99% of the other ***** so I get to fall asleep relaxed and wake up in a better place than I would of had I chose to be out there. I went to the, well it really doe’s not matter because I did not end up out there.

[schnauzerlvr]

*****, I decided to not give in to the addiction today so a very small victory at best. I have been clean for awhile but only today matters for a whole lot of damage can be done in less than a hour. A good week so far lost money have been earned back and inside I know I have what I need to get by and possibly even a bit more so I don’t need to try to win anything extra for I have know use for it’ just as I have no reason to loose what I have but that is only one bad decision away but here and now I have clear thoughts. I really just need to fight off the same old excuse of I work hard and deserve to relax a bit but it is no game out there for lives are put at risk and the stakes are high. I like not being hungry after I worked all week and it is nice to have money in my pocket to get a meal with a friend, the normal things in life instead of the abnormal life I have led as a CG. I hope to take the time to come here and re,read these honest words I have choose to write when I want to spin out of control in the future for I know that time will come or look into the eyes of something I hold dear and see what a better person I could be if I find the strength to do so.
Schnauzerlvr

[schnauzerlvr]

*****, a very long day at work and another week that I will make back what I lost last week on the machines but it always seems to be that way but can I realize that what I hoped to win was nothing I ever needed in the first place and only cost me what I really needed to get by. I have been out there a very long time and have really seen it all and felt it all, the depression the hunger the ***** I should have been fired from a job close to being evicted and in some ways convicted, the break downs and all the up’s and downs the darkness and the thoughts of can I just end this once and for all only to fail time after time. Still here I am still fighting the same old demon the same thing week after week and I know the result that will come if I decide to try my luck because the outcome is always the same, I can never win enough and never will but I only know that when I am here in control, when I am out there I have no control and that is where the problem lies here at home or any where but there I am a same person out there I am insane. I have made strides for I now realize I can’t keep any extra money around and if I plan on eating I better by food as soon as I get paid and pay the bills in the same fashion but as crazy as it sounds that is a huge step in my recovery because that used to not happen. I pray I get to the next level from this but this is way better than what used to be. I can always make more money but what is peace in my life worth, am I willing to stay depressed just to play a machine am I willing to be alone to try to win something that is never enough am I willing to change?

[schnauzerlvr]

Hi all and thanks for adding words shared from experience and the heart. I have seen it all living in las vegas and work with addicted gamblers as I am one of them but the desire to stop is there. I at least know now to pay bills as best I can and make sure I buy food for the week so that I don’t go hungry as I have in the past because when we go out there we never think about anything once the first bet is placed we are basically insane and have lost all control. I no longer think about adding the days free from gambling for they have no meaning but I used to,now only today matters. I am very alone and would like to meet a nice girl but I am not anywhere close to deserving that. I do feel better today knowing that I an here on this site with a place to be honest and un judged. I have done this to myself and except it.
Take care.

[Author]

Posts