[sarahluna88]

I’m happy to hear that ????

[sarahluna88]

Thank you for reading. To talk with you here helped me so much (!) I never thought that this alone could have such a big impact for me. Really.
I’d like to start a help group in real life here in Tirol. That might be a project for me what helps myself to stay in the right position everyday in future. To take care for others reminds you on your own tragic past. Merry christmas to all of you

[sarahluna88]

Two days ago a friend of mine told me, she went into a casino to play slots. She has the potencial to get addicted if she doesnt think about her actual behavior. I tried really hard to show her the dark sides of the shiny casino feeling, with all the funnny noises and colors of the slotmachines. I told her, that everytime when she sits in front of such a slot, her brain gets more connected, and the thoughts will come to remind her to go there again. The worst thing what could happen to her in this situation, is a big win.
I really hope, i told her clear enough, not to go there anymore.
People in her situation dont understand how easy it is to become an addict. They think that they are in full control of their behavior. You are in control, when your thoughts are still your thoughts- not “uncontrollable” thoughts which come over you and you are a victim of your own addiction.
She told me yesterday, that she watched herself the whole day, and that there was an inner need to go there again, just to gamble 10€ and get the free drink and meal..
She didnt do it yesterday, but what the future will bring, we dont know.

[sarahluna88]

Short self-report-
everything is alright so far.
I had a few short moments of gambling-thoughts but these had been “unconcios impulses” which I recogniced in the same second they came, and my inner self said “no way”. And they left as fast as they came. I know that this might be just a better period of time, and this wont be the usual process in this case in future, cause we all knew that there are times with more energylevel in life, and times with less. But for the moment I’m very happy with this way of beeing. And I’ll watch myself with hawk eyes if my behavior become diffrent. After so many jears I know the patterns when a change is coming. I can see it a few days before, when I avoid healthy food, or go outside in nature and watching more entertainment and less music. Then the dangerous times might start..

[sarahluna88]

I’ve talked to many people over the time, about what matters at the end of life. 

My big impression was, that only one thing really counts- 

How much time you live and act in love, to yourself and others. 

When people die, theire only wish is, to come in peace to family and friends. They dont want to see a Photo of theire beautiful house or car, just talk to theire loved one’s when there was a conflicted relationship, without contact or problems they couldnt get over during lifetime. 

Judging others might come from a inner need to judge yourself. I’ve learnd from my life, that all i notice outside is connected to my inside. Wish you the best ?

[sarahluna88]

Thank you for telling me your story. Helping other people with your own story is very powerful. I’m happy that you are here in this forum, and interact with everyone. Your posts reminded me to come and write again cause I get the info per mail ?
Who know’s whats the plan behind all these hard lifestorys. But this question isnt needed to be answerd, just stay on focus ?

[sarahluna88]

Hi kin ?, paymentday was no problem this month. Maybe it is, cause I need all my money for a big dentist bill in december (~3000€), what i absolutly need to pay. My money is still on my bankaccount, i’ll take it tomorrow morning in cash and give it to my boyfriend. But my mindset is much better since i’ve wrote a lot about me and myself.
When I need to do really important things, its in most cases no big deal for me to control myself. The dangerous times for me are when no big bills needed to get payed. Thank you very much for your reminding. How many jears do you have gambling problems?

[sarahluna88]

And the other one, i’ve lost a tooth last week- it still hurts and didnt stop bleeding over two days..
But interesting thing, gambling was no thought that time jet..

[sarahluna88]

Last 2 weeks..
One absolut strange situation was that morning 2 weeks ago, i sat down in bus to work, and there was a mother of a girl which was a classmate of my brother at 16 and he liked her very much that time. She once was at home by my brother and that day my father saw her there. A little bit time after that he started a relationship with her- that might be not the best idea, but still not so bad like the shit he did to her. My father is an ingenieur and an architect, at that time he built a brothel in germany (he always was strange)
And the mother told me, her daughter told her totally under tears, that my father convey her to this brothel at age 17 (!) And told her she can use the “good money for less work” to finance her father a good hospice cause her father had cancer that time. (Wtf)
Out of the bus i wrote my father a massage with all that in it, and asked him what happend that time.
His answer was “she was just a little slut, which did everything for cocaine..”
My reaction to this was,”do you understand the problem her mother might have? Or the thousands of problems she still have, like drug addiction, schizophrenia and so on..? Cause she was really desorianted in her youth??
Like myself (!?)
Then he said, thats the guilt of her parents- my thought was (“fuck you look at me, and your guilt”) but i didnt say that. After back and forth he said he is responsible for all that shit what the mother told. And he is sorry for that. After this i really asked me, what do i really want from this guy? Is there a chance to find a father in such a man? Today i’m still not sure about the answer..

But the situation increased my critical thinking of man in general. I had a lot of problems to start relationships with man in my past, i thought i never will get it right. I was lesbian about 12 jears of my life, cause it all has to do with your parents. This situation now trigged some “manhate” in me- so that my boyfriend was really shocked why i look so bad at him.

There are a few deep problems which i havent seen jet in myself..

[sarahluna88]

All well so far, thank you kin.
A few things happend in my life last 2 weeks. I wrote it down a few minutes ago, and it was deleated as i wanted to post it ?.
I will try it again when i’m at home

[sarahluna88]

Today I’ve had a very emotional conversation with a mother at my age, who has a daughter at age 13.
She had a very good relationship with her daughter until last jear, when her daughter got into a new school and there were other children bullying her a lot-
so she got into a circle of aggresion against herself, her mother and family, and began to carve her own skin on legs and arms. She also started using drugs, a friend of her nearly died of an overdose.
A lot of that stuff reminded me on my past and my friends at that time.
The mother really fights for her daughter, but the only way she sees at the moment, is to put her away into a student home with very hard boundaries and lot of control, where they get something like an “ankle bracelet”..
I told her that she should do this, just a few time. Cause she lost control over her daughter, and she must prevent that her daughter brings herself in more danger. Maybe one time in future she will be thankful that her mother choose this way to take care for her, and not let her run away into more self destruction and danger drug use.
Cause the most important thing for parents in this situations might be, to not give up. And not let their child do whatever that child would do.

You’ll never know what might be the best solution, but you need to do something, to bring your child into a safe space, where damage could get reducted.

[sarahluna88]

Today i watched a lecture on YouTube about addiction. There was an interesting point- the speaker said “addiction is a disease like diabetes or other chronic diseases, but the addict has the key to change his situation by decicion- others doesn’t have this possibility”
Thats a good aspect of a bad thing, maybe if I’d have an other chronic disease and I’d heard that sentence, I’d might think, why couldn’t I “just” be an addict..

[sarahluna88]

What me really wonders, is that there are not more active gamblers using this page. There are so many addicts, who struggle over jears, without any kind of therapy. Or they struggle so hard cause there is no therapy.
Gambling isn’t seen as such an hard addiction in society. I’ve talked to many doctors over the jears, about my problem, but nearly no one of them really knew more about problem gambling.
Thats a tragic situation i think. Gambling did the greatest damage of all the addictions I’ve ever had. A lot of other people in same situations expirienced it the same way, suicide thoughts, stealing money and food- such things make feel you like you are the worst peace of shit. To accept what you’ve done,
to finance your addiction is very hard when you’ve done such bad things. I just once stole 100€ from my boyfriend’s safe, that made me felt so terrible, that I never did again. But I’ve heard from fathers who stole money from their children, thats a hard fact to live with. Stay in focus, in this one position where you are in balance of your emotions and needs, might be the way to prevent more life destruction.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by sarahluna88.

[sarahluna88]

I used the 100€ to pay a bill for my busticket. There were some few momemts where my brain had thoughts on gambling, but they were very short and less intense. But it had remind me not to gamble with health and money- so better give away paycheck in future

[sarahluna88]

What It Is (English transaltion of “Was es ist” from Erich Fried)

It is nonsense
says reason
It is what it is
says love

It is calamity
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is hopeless
says insight
It is what it is
says love

It is ludicrous
says pride
It is foolish
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love

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