[sarahluna88]

When I think back on the many times I’ve run through this program of total gambling escalation. The moment of upcoming impulse to play slot – I immediately plan to find a opportunity to be alone for the next couple hours or days in most cases.

I look for a new casino where I’m not blocked already, at the end it was often hard to find one, cause I self-excluded me every time when I lost all my money at one casino. But when there is a will there is a way. Registration and documents are already on my phone to send, and the pattern can begin.

I start with the same five slots and try one after another, about 30€, in circles. Sometimes I win directly by the first slot, adrenaline rush through my system and all my attention is focused on the slot- play in speedmode always.

More win means more play time- not more money. Money is just play-money not real money anymore. It’s just a way to possibly get more adrenaline and dopamine in to my system.

That’s the same like a drug flowing through your veins, it’s crazy. All other things and people aren’t important anymore- just the gambling drug is all I need in this state of mind.
This goes on for days and sometimes weeks if „luck“ is bigger. At the end of the circle I’m getting more and more depressed cause I know I’m going to loose all I have, but I’m not able to stop myself.

Often when the last transaction was made, my energy level was already down in the basement, aggression and stress was high. I’m so tired and sad that I did it again.

Oh dear god, I am so happy that this didn’t happen to me today and this is just a text, that shows me how much I have won today ?

[sarahluna88]

Today I had three moments of thinking about starting gambling. It was a very stressful day, I’m leaving my flat these days and it’s a lot of work to do.

I recognized the urge to look at my bank account and how much money I’ve got on it- with the thought of gambling a little bit- but I noticed it immediately and reminded me of the things that are important for me and my future- like the expensive education over three years that I’m going to start in march.
I used the situation to get the bank details from the campus to pay the first bill, so the picture got clearer.

I saw that I’m getting far more control over my life. Earlier in time it had been impossible to turn around when an impulse like this had come to my mind..

when the thought was there- the gambling had to take place without any chance and an inner motivation of not going gamble. It was like a program that was started and couldn’t be stopped until it was done. (All money must be burned-the circle has fulfilled- self destruction completed)

I thank god and my ability to resist the urge and patterns of trained behavior. And that I had been able to install a „firewall“ in my head against that program.

I’m able to watch myself from a higher position, from where I can see my visions for the future and the needed steps to get there. Loosing money isn’t one of these steps.

Since I’ve stopped gambling I want to create financial stability. I want to live a good life the rest of my lifetime here on this earth.

Thanks to this journal that helps me to get this feelings into words and so out of my head. Focus is coming back, without loosing it totally.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by sarahluna88.

[sarahluna88]

Thank you maverick ?. Nothing was so good as stopping gambling. I didn’t realize earlier that the problem was that big. Since I’m totally gambling free my life gets better in all aspects and directions. Have a great day ?

[sarahluna88]

Thank you kin, for counting my days. Three days ago Ive had an appointment at a psychiatrist. This time it was a woman. She listened very carefully to my story and my behavior I told her- how hard it is for to deal with bigger stress and how I have to handle my energy to not feel overloaded in my head. Next thing I told her, when I’m in very stressful situations I can’t sleep over days. That was often a reason for gambling, or using drugs.
After that hour talking to her, she thought about what might help me in case of medication. She gave me something, what’s regularly used for old patients- cause it’s very soft. After two days no sleep again, I took one pill (buronil 25mg if someone likes to check it).
And I slept well, and also was able to get out of bed. The whole day was pretty good, and I recognized that I feel so „normal“ in my head now (!). The days after were also very good, cause I was more able to decide what’s the best to do and when, without doing nonsense in between, to go to bed at the right time and not feel to do more nonsense before going to bed. I was much more organized over the day, and it didn’t matter to me to think about all impressions ive had over the day.

Maybe I needed much earlier something like this.

[sarahluna88]

It’s great that we can get help on such an easy way. I told my therapist that this journal is my most important tool in recovery. He asked me for the name of this forum so that he can tell other patients about it, and how much it has helped me already and every next day. You also, with your constant presence here.

?

[sarahluna88]

It all describes me and my behavior.. I’ve learned more from you than from any other educated person in case of addiction to gambling. Thank you

[sarahluna88]

Great text.. it’s very impressive

[sarahluna88]

Thank you for counting the days for me ? that makes me very happy. You have a big part in my recovery story, just because you are always present and a very good reminder.

[sarahluna88]

Today I had a very impressive experience..
I was done with the therapist appointment and stood outside on the street in front of building, a woman was playing on a keyboard on the street, a very emotional song.
I recognized that the Restaurant where I was working when my gambling addiction started, is just a few feet away from my therapist. There was my first contact with a slotmachine. My chef at that time placed the machine in the bar area, and I watched a few times people loosing their money and sometimes they won some money. Till the day I tried it to. I had 15€ left for the month and I thought- I will try it. I won 500€ with just 25cent per bet. It was the maximum you could get for 25cent.
I jumped through the restaurant cause of the big win. The next day I went to an other casino, played with 30€ an won again 800€. That was the beginning of an very dramatic period in my life.
Today standing outside and remembering that location and all these years till now, was very impressive. It felt like a circle has completed..

• This reply was modified 2 years ago by sarahluna88.

[sarahluna88]

Driver-school starts at 12.2.24 ?

[sarahluna88]

I knew over so many years that when you want to help others, you first need to help yourself. But to really understand the meaning behind this statement, took me so long. But it might be the needed process, to understand who am I really are and what matters to me. All the struggles I had, all battles against me and society. Just to end up there, where it always was told to me.
The inner conflicts and beliefs in my mind didn’t allow me to go the best way for myself. Cause I didn’t know where myself began and end.
It was a really hard journey to get there. Know I’m here and happy to go forward ?

[sarahluna88]

Thank you Kin for your strength to remind me everyday on my goals and plans. Today I decided to do the education for the drivers license, I never did it before- just one time I tried it but didn’t finish. I found a possible job where I should assist people with handicaps in there daily life. A car is needed in most cases. Tomorrow morning I will go to the driving school and pay, the start is next week.

Since the decision was made, to take care of my own- and no other anymore- there are so many things I like to do now. I have the power and also the money for these extra things. In September I will start an education over three years (if education is the right word I’m not sure ?) in the evening and during the day I’d like to do the personal assistant work.

I’m so glad that I found this forum, with all the topics and helpful people. You helped me to do the biggest step forward, in gambling addiction case. Gambling destroys all the life plans, just in one day when you gamble all your money away that you have saved months before..

[sarahluna88]

But today my email address is mostly free, and when there is a casino which wants to get me, I block it instantly. They are dark, and they want to grab on you to get you also into their darkness

[sarahluna88]

The Gamban app helped me a lot to stay really gamble free, it costs a few euros but they are worth it. To block all your phones and computers is important to remind yourself. Emails Ive blocked all, it we’re hundreds and it took me hours just to bring them to the spam..

[sarahluna88]

My life was nearly the same as you described it.. the first time of my therapy I told all other things first, cause the gambling was my deepest problem, it was my secret, my thing I do just alone. It was very high on my priority list, I didn’t told anyone about it over years. Since I faced that demon in me, my life has changed.

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