[san250]

Hi Mnn, I do feel for you. I can only speak for myself and how I let go of my anger. I try to use the anger to change/take action eg it normally makes me follow through on consequences for boundaries that have been pushed or broken. I do acknowledge it, use the energy and then let it go. When I was with my ex husband who was abusive, I suppressed my anger which in turn made me ill. My counsellor at the time suggested I find a place to let out huge screams to let it out or punch a pillow, things like that. Sometimes coming to a site like this and having a rant is enough too, so rant away if it helps. I also believe having anybody new in your house, cg or not, after the ‘honeymoon’ period, there is a time when everyone has to find their way and frustration can occur. Lay down those boundaries and keep to them. Maybe someone else will be able to tell you how they let go of their anger too. Good Luck.

[san250]

Thanks Monique, I’ve turned my phone off and am talking to my daughter now, who’s been in bed ill all day. She’s woken up to 43 missed calls from my cg son! The friend I have been out with today is a new friend and it’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s my french is rubbish and, although, her English is good, things get lost in translation (isn’t that a film?). She’s a new friend but over my cancer she disappeared for a few months. Because my french is so basic I don’t have many friends here yet. If I’d been in the UK I’d have gone to a support group for family and friends but I doubt there would be one here in English as it’s not one of the official languages. Hope you are well and in a good place. San x

[san250]

I imagined ‘the worst’, woke up several ***** in the night. Then received the first text of many today, saying he had slept in a park and been bitten to death! Over the course of the day he tripped himself up and told me he caught a bus today (which means in slept in a bed), the family he is staying with gave him money he has to pay back (he has money) is now talking about gambling his last euro in the casino and is NOW in a panic over how he is going to get back to the place tonight and pay these kind people back. Expects me to pay for a hotel for him and get money to him. I am worn out by his constant texts today. I’ve been on my own, out with a friend. Didn’t want to bother my friend with my cg’s problems and haven’t even explained to my partner what’s been going on today. The lies I expect/accept and find it very sad. Sad that so much energy has been used by him to come up with the lies and me in believing them to begin with. I am not playing these games, my phone is going off and I’m going to ignore him for now because I am worn out and desperately need some sleep tonight. Slowly I’m waking up to the nature of the beast. I’ve just heard that Bernie Nolan has lost her fight against cancer and this news has hit me hard. I have another scan at the end of the month to see what my own cancer is doing.

[san250]

What a rollercoaster of a day! I understand that for things to be different it is easier for me to change than my cg son, who has to want to change. So today I’ve tried to stay strong and ‘do’ things differently to normal. I’ve had my answers ready, turned to the group therapy (thank you Velvet) and the advice line (thank you Harry) for support and advice to get me through a really tough day. I’ve been on the receiving end of blame shifting (ooo everything in his life is my fault today!), threats to kill himself, verbal abuse and worst mother in the world quotes and how useless I am. I’ve not sent him any money or paid for anything. So as far as I know he has no place to stay tonight, no money, no food, no nothing but it’s his choice. He chose to leave a roof over his head, job and food today. I’ve chosen to turn off my phone, involve my partner in everything and bat away his abuse. I’m taking each hour by hour so slowly a whole day will have disappeared. One day at a time.
I’ve just read this by Ryanlee on another forum and to ‘hear’ it from a different prespective I am finding very insightful and helps me to keep strong, so thank you for sharing…
‘Then there’s my family, also unaware and wouldn’t understand this awful disease. I have borrowed more money off my parents in previous years than I can remember. Both my parents don’t have amazingly well paid jobs but have always supported me in the best way they can. But, as ever, I took the **** and made them take out loans during my university days to cover my tuition fees or student accommodation fees which I had probably blown on fruit machines and online gambling.’
We will do anything to ‘help’ our children but we are not helping them. I have to keep reminding myself of this, so as the evening comes to an end, goodnight my son, keep safe and I love you xx

[san250]

Hi Velvet
I am not sure it is my belief it rears it’s head more in ***** of stress, I just know I have noticed that when he is stressed he comes to me more. This has certainly been true of his latest adventure. And the stress of it all is certainly now getting to me and I can feel my own health slipping. It’s when I don’t feel strong I give in, but the time is coming when I have no more money and he will have to sort himself out. I will tell more in group but it won’t be this week. Feeling low today after receiving a text from him asking for me to help him. San x

[san250]

Hi Velvet
I am not sure it is my belief it rears it’s head more in ***** of stress, I just know I have noticed that when he is stressed he comes to me more. This has certainly been true of his latest adventure. And the stress of it all is certainly now getting to me and I can feel my own health slipping. It’s when I don’t feel strong I give in, but the time is coming when I have no more money and he will have to sort himself out. I will tell more in group but it won’t be this week. Feeling low today after receiving a text from him asking for me to help him. San x

[san250]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It’s means alot to me. Today and most mornings I wake up full of hope, full of joy and and happy feeling inside. With my partner we listen to great music, watch some old comedies and prepare for the day ahead, uplifted and ready for a good day. I want this to continue all day. It is normally broken by a text from my son asking for money or, and I think, I maybe, (just maybe) am starting to get this now, a text from ME to him, asking how he is and what’s is he up to. Am I inviting the ‘beast’ to come alive and spoil my day? Now a text from a mother to a son is okay and good, but really I am wanting contact from him to know he is still alive and until I get that contact my mind goes into overdrive. This cannot be ‘normal’ and I want it to stop. Have a good day everyone. xx

[san250]

Hi Monique
Thankyou for writing on my thread. I’ve read some of your pages from the beginning and so much is the same!! I need to read all through but there’s quite alot to read and I am feeling quite overwhelmed with it all at the moment. I have an exam this evening too, so my head is full of stuff, but when I can find a quiet time I will read it all. I have questions but feel if I read through I will find the answers.
However, I know where you are coming from in so many forms and wish you continued strength. Take care.
San x

[san250]

Thank you so much for your reply Velvet. I’ve read and re-read your reply several ***** and I am picking something up each time I read it. There is so much to take in and so much in my life that is crossing over/or has crossed over. I can’t help thinking someone somewhere is showing me/pulling me into making me stand up for myself more. This is so different to my natural ‘default’ setting. I try not to ‘think’ so much anymore and go with my gut feelings.
I will try to get into the next group or possibly the other after and thank you once again.

[san250]

Hi Velvet, thank you for your concern, thoughts and support. This week has been very interesting and I will try to get to another ‘friends and family’ group to update. I feel if I blurt out everything on here, he will one day see it, and the ‘beast’ is about at the moment.
I don’t think he likes how the gambling affects his life but I also don’t think he wants to do anything to stop it .. yet. I can see things coming to a head very soon and he may well reach his rock bottom.
I understand I can change the way I react to him and his situations. I have good days (when I am strong and will not/do not send him money) and what I will call ‘weak’ days (when I fall for his hard luck stories). I would love to get to the point of being strong all the time. I also realise this inconsistency is not good for either of us. When I am strong I am very strong but it takes alot of my energy, which is in short supply at the moment. We either talk on the phone, text or via facebook chat.
He has now left his sibling’s home and I can feel the relief on her part. It is like she has been set free. He has now been through all our relatives and there is no where else to go. If his recent venture falls through, I doubt any of them will house him again. It seems to me they have cut him out of their lives and I believe, this is at the cause of some of his problems, rejection.
Having my health problems has taught me to live in the present, what has gone, has gone, and to waste energy on what will be is just that a waste of energy I don’t have. I am trying to adopt this principal in this case too and trying to stay with the present. I’ve just read a thread about someone reaching rock bottom and some of the replies from others who had been there really helped. When I was in an abusive marriage I had to reach a rock bottom point to get out of it, but I did and with the help of someone was able to change some old belief systems running in me and replace them with positive ones. I am a completely different person now compared to then. However, the mother/son bond is so strong and when I am strong with him I feel a real sense of abandoning him/rejection but I have to be strong for both of us. I’m babbling now so will stop. I hope to get to a group soon. Thank you once again. x

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