[san250]

Thanks for this information. I am finding the new site very confusing and very frustrating. Why only let people in on the first 15 minutes of a group. With the time difference I can not always be sure of the correct time to join in. When I was to talk to someone, barriers are going up. I am seriously thinking of giving up. Maybe the gliches is why people are contributing anymore?

[san250]

Thanks V and Madge for you comments. It’s good to know someone else somewhere understands. My cg gets paid on a friday and so yesterday came and no reply to my text. It went very quiet and here the cycle continues. He’s gone off to the bookies this happens when it goes silent. I know this is what happening so I’m okay. Next I get the message ‘I’m so depressed and I have no money.’ I have no sympathy, I will not send any money. This part of the cycle I understand, he had money, he gambled it. I can deal with this part of the cycle because I can understand what is going on. It’s when I’m not strong I cave in. I feel I can only tell him again there is help out there and he has to seek it himself. I want a quiet weekend this week, I am fed up of having to ‘deal’ with him every weekend. Apologies if this is a garbled message, for me writing it down here gives me strength to clear my head and try and work a way through it.

V – it was too late for me to join the group on Thursday, i’m an hour ahead and was so tired.

So I’m off to think of ways to enjoy MY weekend with my partner and friends. Have a good one. San xx

[san250]

Thanks everyone for your support, as always gratefully received. Yesterday, my 4 year old charge, played up. He was having an off day and being a typical 4 year old who didn’t like to be told ‘No’. He wanted to play ‘fighting’ and my old battered body won’t tolerate it, so firm ‘No’s were the order of the day. I wanted to go a certain way home, he didn’t. I wanted to go to meet his mother from the train, he wanted to stay and watch television. What stuck me was the similarity of dealing with my cg, the persistentness in trying to persuade me to change my mind, the childish ways. Moreover it was MY reaction to him to, I started off strong, determined to stand my ground but I relented. Why did I relent? quiet life? felt sorry for them? I don’t really know, but I know I have work to do on myself, not to be ‘walked over’. Obviously in the case of my charge, I am dealing with a 4 year old and the first call is his parents. But even at this age I can see unleft this child is going to have problems in life, if he carries on.

Hoping today will be better. Wishing you all some peace and the strength to carry on. Take care. San xx

[san250]

I’ve clicked on my horoscope today … don’t do it very often and this sums it up …’ You may be playing nursemaid again, and this time you may be bandaging heart, spirit or soul as well as body and mind. Someone you care about is struggling with a religious or spiritual crisis and is reaching out to you for help you don’t feel qualified to give.’

I feel upset, angry, very disappointed and a bit of a failure for not being strong. I see my son heading for a criminal life and homeless. He’s not looking after himself, was pulled in at work for ‘not looking right’. He’s got mixed up in payday loans which are crippling him, so he’s not eaten for days is stressed to the hilt. I did send him some last night (i didn’t want to), so he could eat something. Of course I don’t know if he did, he told me he did. Being in another country I have no idea what the ‘real’ story is.

Within 20 minutes of dealing with him, my daughter tells me she had a mental breakdown in the middle of town yesterday too and was told to ‘calm down’ by two policemen.

On top of this I mistakenly called my ex mother-in-law about my ex, BIG MISTAKE, she accused me of abandoning my children and her words have been ringing in my ears all week. I don’t need her to make me feel guilty, I’m very good at that myself!! Of course, her precious son could do no wrong!! Arghh she will never accept the bullying of myself and my children by him. What a vicious circle.

So I feel very mixed up, energy low (back to hospital next week :)) and vulnerable.

Onwards and upwards.

[san250]

I wish the advice lines were open when I needed them. Feeling very weak, manipulated, unsure what to do and there’s no one to talk to. The days of being ignorant of the addiction are over, but in someways those days were easier. I hope some cg read what effect your gambling has on your other halves, parents and family. Fed up.

[san250]

Hi Velvet
Permalink Submitted by san250 on Sat, 09/28/2013 – 18:58
Hope you had a great holiday. To cut a very long story short, my son went to my daughter’s for a week, she threw him out then called the police on him, because he said he was going to throw himself off a bridge. They took him to hospital where he was seen by a doctor who deemed him not ‘unwell’ enough to stay. My daughter went back to her flat, my son went back to throw himself off a bridge. He didn’t he slept in a bush. My father stepped in and took him in for a week, then bailed him out and he’s now in a room somewhere. He was very positive about it all, he’s been there five days, hates it, says he is depressed and is going further and further down. I am getting angrier and angrier. I’m trying hard to keep it together without blowing my top. I am sick of this. That’s about it. lol

Will try to get to a group soon but working hard and feel very tired. Go for some more of my drugs to keep me going soon, it can’t come soon enough to give me some energy. Take care San x

[san250]

Hope you had a great holiday. To cut a very long story short, my son went to my daughter’s for a week, she threw him out then called the police on him, because he said he was going to throw himself off a bridge. They took him to hospital where he was seen by a doctor who deemed him not ‘unwell’ enough to stay. My daughter went back to her flat, my son went back to throw himself off a bridge. He didn’t he slept in a bush. My father stepped in and took him in for a week, then bailed him out and he’s now in a room somewhere. He was very positive about it all, he’s been there five days, hates it, says he is depressed and is going further and further down. I am getting angrier and angrier. I’m trying hard to keep it together without blowing my top. I am sick of this. That’s about it. lol
Will try to get to a group soon but working hard and feel very tired. Go for some more of my drugs to keep me going soon, it can’t come soon enough to give me some energy. Take care San x

[san250]

Sending you a huge cyber (((hug))). Take a huge breath in and out again. Breathe deep and slowly :). To me you sound like you need some time out. Is there anywhere you can go? Family, friends, a hotel, for a couple of days just to recharge, have some space? I’ve mentioned about my ex husband before and although he wasn’t a gambler, what you are describing is exactly where I was. The ‘problem’ was so immense it had to be broken down in stages. While he was going through ‘his’ therapy, I stood by him and made myself ill. I took myself off for a week, just me, to an old friend in a different country and I was able to get some breathing space. I won’t ***, its not easy. But once I had accepted it was not going to change without something drastic happening (he moved out) then things started to change. I went through 18 months of therapy, his, ours and mine, sleeping in different rooms, leading separate lives, trying to make it work. I strongly urge you to get some support for yourself, a close friend, a family doctor perhaps. We are all here for you. Take care. San x

[san250]

Thanks Monique, I feel calmer today. The ‘full story’ is certainly very complex and I believe I can ‘see’ the reasons behind his gambling and manipulation and bad behaviour. Letting go is the hardest part but I turned it around and see it as a form of control. I am not in control of anyone else’s life, just my own. My children are adult children now and responsible for their own lives and mistakes. When so much time has been allocated to them, when they don’t need you any more, suddenly you’ve got all this time to fill! I have a new job which takes up four days a week now and I am feeling so tired, so energy is at a low at the moment. It’s recognising when I feel low, he must sense it! and in comes the requests for money. If I don’t feel strong I sometimes give in. I have another top up of one of my chemotherapy ***** soon so maybe my energy levels will come up :). Hope you are okay too. Take care San x

[san250]

Not sure how this forum works yet. My last thread doesn’t seem to be on here but nevermind. Well, just had a phone call from my son asking for money, no surprise there then. I foolishly told him I was getting paid this week, my first paypacket for 10 months following my illness, and before I even set eyes on it, the phone call. I feel disgusted, angry and resigned to the fact he has a long way to go still. Sometimes I see it so clearly, other times, the little boy lost who has a lot of growing up to do and I’m the mother who is suppose to love him no matter what. Oh well tomorrow is another day, taking one day at a time. Love to you all x

[san250]

Hi Pinkfloyd, There is no way you are a cry baby!! Dealing with an abusive person, in whatever form, is very tiring. My ex husband was an abuser, verbal, physical and mental with narcissistic traits. I don’t want to go into detail here, it’s not the place and by going over it, it drags it all back. I just wanted to say you are not alone and you can turn your life around. To attract a different type of man it is strongly recommended to do some work on yourself. Make yourself aware of what your part in all this is. I was completely ‘lost’ and had no idea how to turn my life around and indeed deal with this unreasonable man! I found this lady https://www.facebook.com/pages/Melanie-Tonia-Evans/137377772251?fref=ts and with her help, nearly three years on, I am with a new man, in a new country with a new life and totally different. It’s my son who is my cg, I believe a by-product of my abusive marriage. I always tell people never to underestimate the effects of abuse. There is a lot of information on the Melanie Tonia Evans website and she explains how to leave an abusive relationship too, it ***** planning and to be aware the abuse may be ‘upped’ when he gets wind that you are going to leave him. Everything does happen for a reason, it’s just at the time we don’t always know why, but that reason will unfold in due course. As you are dealing with an unreasonable man where reason doesn’t work, i would say arm yourself with as much information and tools as you can. I read on here to write down your feelings, great advice, however, when I did this, there was no way I could do this on paper without fear of my ex finding it, so I emailed myself all my inner feelings that were for me only. Unbeknown to me he set up a ‘spy programme’ on my computer and gained access to all my passwords and read all my notes … so be careful. There is another life out there 🙂 and decent men! One day at a time. “You cannot travel back in time to fix your mistakes, but you can learn from them and FORGIVE yourself for not knowing better. — Leon Brown”

[san250]

Dear Adele
I’m sending you a huge hug (((hug))), way to go girl!! Your last thread I am sure will help alot of people on this site. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong and take care of you. San xx

[san250]

Update … I haven’t been able to get to the group this week but wanted to let you know I went for my scan this week and everything is good. The lymphoma is still ‘inactive’ and there are no new sites. So its all good 🙂 hoping it will be 6 months before I get scanned again but if it’s 3 so be it. I’ve also been for a job interview and go for a week’s trial very soon. AND England retained the Ashes!! One very happy ***** this end. Just wanted to show people that life goes on and once you can clear your head of the ‘addiction’ it allows other things to enter your life. And my cg? I am really taking a ‘back’ seat and letting him come to me. He has asked me to send him money to help him out but I still say NO and he now backs off straight away. I am trying very hard not to talk about gambling at all with him and when he starts to go ‘down’ in the conversation I bring it right back up. For example he has just been paid and is already saying he only has 20 pounds left for next week after paying his bills and all his debts. I turned it round by saying he has paid all his debts off this week, owes no one anything and he has 20 pounds left and how lucky he was. Taking one day at a time.

[san250]

Well that didn’t last long!! Don’t feel empowered anymore. Feel stupid. Is it that it is so ingrained in us to ‘enable’ /want to help our offspring? How am I going to stop? He knows all my triggers so well. I tried to get on the advice line but it disconnects before I get to speak to anyone, sooo frustrating. So I have paid for a ticket for him to get back to the UK. He has somewhere to stay, he’s signed on and applied for four jobs, all in two hours. He is a survivor but I feel stupid, disappointed in myself for bailing him out when I said I wouldn’t. There’s a part of me that feels relieved that he is going back to the UK, that I have planted seeds for rehab even though he is not ready for it. I have compromised my own finances but the stress of him being in a foreign country was too much for me and I needed some relief. Is that selfish of me? I am having so many doubts right now.

[san250]

It’s gone quiet. Managed a good sleep last night and taking it one day at a time. Thank you everyone for your support through a difficult week but I have no sent him any money this week or paid for anything. I’ve stopped doing his thinking for him and he has come up with some good ideas for himself. My partner has been helping me with the text and answers. I’m not thinking too far ahead and just trying to take things at my pace, something I know frustrates my cg, but this is my life and I won’t be pushed into things I don’t want to do anymore. I feel empowered :).

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