[san250]

I had a much better weekend woooo. I explained to my cg I didn’t want a repeat of the last four weekends and would be turning off my phone for a large part of it. I went out with my partner and as it’s my birthday tomorrow and saturday was the one year anniversary of my first chemotherapy, we had much to celebrate. A friend made a birthday meal for us and then we went to the pub to enjoy the music there. After my partner and I crashed out on the sofa’s at his house for the night and staggered back in the morning!! Yesterday was a catch up of sleep!! So basically a weekend doing what I wanted (for a change) and little contact with my cg. He seems excited (as does my daughter) that I will see him next week. As it is a flying visit I will make sure the boundaries are set in place before I go. We are also making plans to be together at Christmas … the first time I will have spent the holidays with my children for four years. So things are looking up but I am not naive to understand the beast is still there in the corner waiting. Thankyou to everyone who offered me support during my turbulent time recently. Keep smiling everyone. San xx

[san250]

the support from all the people on this site has been overwhelming. So a big thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I have an appointment made with my Doctor next week (thank goodness he speaks English!). I have also booked the flights to go back to the UK for a couple of days. So I will get to see my cg on his birthday. I haven’t seen him since last December and that was when I was on morphine with no hair, three stones lighter and certainly at my worse. I think it will be good for him to see me looking well with a big mop of curly hair and more ‘with it’. I will get to see where he is living and to ‘see’ him. I can’t wait :). We will also get the chance to talk face to face.

I am amazed at his ability to walk out of one job and the next day into another (maybe he should be an advisor for the unemployed!). With the help of a new friend he says he has self excluded himself from the nearest betting office and says he is fed up of getting nothing for his money and wants to concentrate on ‘receiving something for his money’. I know this is a long road and lots of ‘stuff’ has to be worked through. I will concentrate on helping myself so I can be strong against the addiction. I do not want to go through another weekend like the last one.

Take care everyone.
San x

[san250]

Thanks Monique. I will find out soon how the system for therapy works here. I have health insurance here so maybe that can pay for it, i’m not sure. It’s all new territory here for me. I’ve had NSH counselling and also private, so I am well aware of what to expect. I’ve also had online counselling through skype – which was the best and if I ever have enough money to do it again I will! However, this was when I was married and needed it and he paid for it with much reluctance.

I’ve seen the brilliant MacMillan Cancer Support offer therapy too, so maybe my equivalent here might be able to offer me something too. I have lots of options to find out about, but I will, don’t you worry.

I’ve been speaking via the internet with my son this afternoon. Treading very carefully and trying not to get hooked in. I’ve agreed to send him online kebab, so he can’t gamble with that, unless he sells it. He tells me right now he doesn’t want to know. I think the beating he has had has shook him up but I am not naive to think this will last long. I can only hope. Signing off for tonight. Take care everyone xx

[san250]

It’s good to have another view and to try to understand the urges to gamble and get money. It’s good to understand the relentlessness is part of the addiction.

Unfortunately, I am in another country to my cg and have been ill, so haven’t been well enough to travel there or have any money to go there. It takes a lot of organisation to get my cg here too, as there is no where for him to stay. Having said that I am trying to arrange a visit in a few weeks time, to surprise him for his birthday. But there are so many things that need to be put in place before that can happen. I feel the need to see him face to face as its nearly a year since I saw him and the last time he saw me, I was really really ill and undergoing heavy chemo. On top of everything else I know my illness has effected him and he has had little if any support from anyone regarding it. Life is complicated.
Thank you for giving me a different insight Vera x

[san250]

Thanks Velvet.

I do understand about the sibling thing and I make a concerted effort not to discuss her brothers with my daughter. It was only because she worked at the hospital that I broached the subject. I also understand that she has lived with the addiction first hand and is more than aware what it entails.

I had a sister, she committed suicide at 23 when I was pregnant with my cg, who is about to turn 23. I don’t have any other siblings. I remember my mother telling people about my sister when she died, things that had happened in her life. And I would think, that wasn’t her, that happened to me! I felt rejected, unloved etc.

I am positive my partner and daughter have had enough and I agree that in most families someone bares the brunt of things and while someone is doing that the pressure is off the others. Well I am not as strong as I usedto be and I am at cracking point. I have other things going on in my life and I do not have the energy to deal with everything on my own. I will make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow, luckily his office is opposite the physiotherapist I’m seeing every other day at the moment. I go back to work tomorrow too and french lessons in the evening. I think its going to be a busy day. Thanks for caring Velvet, Adele and Monique. Take care x

[san250]

Well the beast is certainly awake and throwing all it’s got at me. My partner got upset with the whole ‘situation’ yesterday and I walked out. Within the space of two minutes I had my cg blackmailing me for money (telling me he had just come out of hospital and SEND THE MONEY NOW), my daughter saying if you only talk to me to find out about cg, don’t bother (she works at the hospital and I asked if she could check out his story, when she said No, I left it) and my partner saying I had ruined his Saturday afternoon. Hmmm, think I need some space, so I walked out left my phone behind and went to the lake for four hours, walked miles and cleared my head.

Came back to my partner asleep on the sofa, so I watched some TV then went to bed, to be woken at midnight to say my partner was being harrassed by my cg, to talk to me. I carried on sleeping. I can’t believe a word my cg says anymore.

I’ve made a decision to go and see my doctor on Monday morning and get an appointment. I don’t know the procedures here for therapy help but I need to talk to someone face to face. I have such alot going on in my brain on top of my blackmailing cg and I can’t cope anymore. I don’t have an female friends to have a chat with and my french is very basic, I would not be able to communicate effectively. So that was day 5, another Saturday ruined by this addiction.

Day 6 has started with the clocks going back an hour, so I am up at silly o’clock and there’s a storm raging outside (thunder and lightning) and I need a coffee.

Hope everyone else is having a great time. Take Care San x

[san250]

for your continuing support. I’m sticking those fingers up very hard. He is continuing to ask for money and telling me he is going to die very soon because he has to pay this man back. If it’s true I’m going to feel very guilty. If it’s a ploy to get my money I’m feeling disgusted at how low he is stooping. I’m confused. I’m feeling emotionally abused but I am not sending him anything. If it’s battle of the wills, try having cancer and you’ll find out how strong I am!! I’ve turned him off now, he can’t contact me.

Hope you are doing well Adele, your thread on the counselling was fascinating. Interestingly my cg says he gambles because he is lonely too, that came out tonight. I wonder how many others there are out there where loneliness plays a part. Take care. san x

[san250]

Day 3 … It was all about food! Incessant demands for food. In the end I turned my phone off and told him I would not be blackmailed. Finally got some sleep.

Day 4 – He’s upped the stakes today. Says he’s gone to the dodgy people for money because I WOULD NOT GIVE HIM SOME FOOD! So now the dodgy people want their money back and I am not sending it, so I am now having texts to say he has a knife to his throat and he has been punched and he doesn’t want me to feel guilty if something happens to him tonight, so send him some money.

Now the logic in me tells me not to believe a word and if he was in real danger he would call the police or let me call the police. The mother in me wants to feed him and protect him from bullies. This is the internal fight within me but I feel pleased that I have come to this conclusion and worked out why I haven’t been able to stop enablement before. This nurturing mother instinct is very very strong and fights with the logic. I feel unusually calm at the moment. We will see what tomorrow brings. Signing off for now ….

[san250]

‘My sweet parents raised us to have good morals, kind hearts, caring spirits, strength of character, and unconditional faith in God.’

Don’t stop being who you are … ever… just be mindful not all people are like this.

Hope to ‘see’ you later..

San xx

[san250]

Thank you for your continuing support. For me, it will be important to get through each day as it progresses. I have had lots of ideas on how to reply to him and I will be calling on these to help me through.

Thank you for writing about the chat logs earlier. It really helped to go through our group last night. At the time, there is alot of good advice, but it is so easy to miss it at the time. It was good to go through the chat log for last night.

Have you done/will you be doing anything for yourself today? I went into a clothes shop today and checked out a new top for myself for when I get paid at the weekend :). I am 99% sure I will buy it. When you enable a cg your money does not go on yourself – just in case anyone reading this, thinks that’s a strange thing lol. I also went to the butcher’s today and bought a hedgehog for tea (a chicken breast with mozzarella cheese encased in pastry in the shape of a hedgehog!) instead of a supermarket bargain piece of meat. Go me, eh? Why should the bookies/betting office have my hard earned cash? Time to live a little with my wonderful partner. Tomorrow I am going to work on my painting.

I would like to apologise for my awful English too, I am learning French and the two languages and use of grammar get very muddled up :P. We call it Fronglais here.

Hope to see you in group again.

San x

[san250]

I thought it might be an idea for me to keep a record of Non-enablement days to help me keep strong. If I can record my feelings and actions this I think would help me to stay on the right track, so here goes.

Day One – I will call yesterday Day One as this is the first contact with my cg asking for money and my reply of ‘No.’ He asked me quite late on, asking if I would buy him some food (I can order and pay for a takeaway online). I said, ‘No sorry, I am tired and now going to bed’. I turned off the computer and my telephone and breathe a huge sigh. This morning there was a reply of ‘Oh wow … :(‘. I felt okay that I had got through that one.

Day Two – today. Another request for a small amount of money to buy toilet paper, food and tobacco. I had a very small amount of his money left so told him that amount I could send him but not what he wanted. He says he has an upset stomach and no toilet paper. I tell him to shower, drink water and go to the doctors if he is really ill. IF its true, I do feel sorry for him but I can’t be sure. I must not buckle to the ‘mother’s guilt’. Still some hours of this day to go, but remaining strong.

[san250]

your support is invaluable and very timely. I just can’t do this anymore, it’s dragging me down with it. I like your line ‘share it with those who make it better for you’. Sometimes I wonder who this is! I’ve been through so much ‘other stuff’ this year, faced death in the face, I need some closure. So this morning I’ve said to my cg I only want to talk to him if its nothing to do with money, gambling, having no money for food, rent etc. If he starts I will end the conversation. I cannot put myself through this anymore, so space from him is what I need and this time I am going to listen to myself for a change. I’m not sure what is harder, leaving a partner/husband or leaving a son/family member. Luckily I have always been of the mind that children are ‘not yours’, you give birth to them and then teach them tools for life and then you let them go. I didn’t have children to bring up on my own and without any support but that’s what has happened. I have done the best I could, I honestly believe that :). I’m rambling time for a coffee and I have a canvas that is calling me to put some paint on it! It’s been calling me for a long time but some stupid addiction has been getting my time and energy. So for now I’m signing off. Thanks again Monique, take care xx

[san250]

right this minute i am sticking two fingers up to the addiction. I want some peace in my life. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to have my finances kept safe. I want to enjoy time with my partner/friends without another addiction drama. I want to protect my own mental and physical health. I’ve learnt about the addiction, I’ve learnt my enabling helps no one, not him not me. I’ve learnt it divides families – boy has it done that to mine. I’ve learnt I can’t help him. I can keep giving him information to get help. I can support him not the addiction. Right this minute I don’t want anything to do with him, right this minute I’ve had enough. I am sick to death of it all, I don’t want anything to do with gambling, addiction, the dramas etc etc and I am taking time out. It’s pushed me too far this time.

[san250]

Well done on getting through your first session. I’m sure most of the therapy is very similar and follows ‘models’. Having been through marriage counselling and individual counselling, I believe its important to listen to your body, it already knows the answers. I’d like to share a little of my experience with you. In my marriage counselling we found out the ‘background’ to our problems, where family scripts were written (how we follow patterns set down in families), it was interesting to find out how we think and follow certain things. Communication, how we ‘playout’ roles, he says one thing, I do the same thing everytime, that sort of thing. I found the marriage counselling interesting but seemed to deal with his problems more than mine. We were ‘set’ homework and this was hard, again after 24 year we were set in our ways. For me, more progress was made when I went to counselling on my own. I was able to open up more, and it certainly challenged how I was feeling and enabled me to move on faster. One thing that really helped us, was to arrive and leave the counselling by separate means. This enabled us to have the space we needed, firstly to get our heads ready for the session and especially afterwards when your head is spinning with all the information and observations. Sometimes we would meet on neutral ground, a restaurant or cafe, 30 minutes after the session to discuss what had happened, sometimes not. For me, I believe, the counselling helped to unravel the ‘spaghetti’ that our marriage had become. Our therapist described it as a plate of spaghetti and we were there to pick the strands out She said we had to become separate people to decide whether we would come back together on a different footing, with new communication techniques in place, or to decided if we were going to go our separate ways. For us this process took 9 months. I wish you lots of luck and am sending you lots of strength, take care, San xx

[san250]

Many thanks Adele and Harry for pointing me in the right direction :). It’s great to see ‘my’ times now on the group times, maths was never my strong point! I got to group yesterday and feel better now (thanks Velvet as always). That hour always goes so quick but as always, the advice and support is invaluable and I was able to slightly change the way I deal with my cg yesterday. It’s so easy to slip back into old familiar ways to cope with this addiction and the truth is if its not working you have to change something. From a technical point of view the group ran more smoothly, no lag etc and the reminder of only 5 minutes to go. I can’t remember if it said if someone was typing or not. I find that helpful on other chat groups, so you know to wait for a reply. Apologies if I let my frustration slip the other day, I had worked 20 hours in the previous 48 and was trying to deal with my very anxious cg and his dramas too (along with everything else). Many thanks for your support. San x

[Author]

Posts