[san250]

Wishing you a Happy Christmas Neecy. Have fun with your girls and the ‘funny’ lady tonight. Sending you a cyber ((HUG)).

Very best wishes San x

[san250]

Okay so here we go …. cg is in full swing gamble mode. Is running up large phone bills because of the gambling. Is not attending family meals because he doesn’t want to ‘answer’ annoying questions about his life. Is annoying family members with his rudeness. Tomorrow he is due to come to me, has to get up early to catch the plane.

In all this, I’m not reacting, just letting it flow. Not judging, not getting angry, nothing. Now if I had not been warned about these things I think I would be climbing the walls by now but I’m not. I am hoping my cg will be on that plane tomorrow but I can not worry about that now. Only time will tell what’s going to happen.

Hope everyone else is okay and has read Velvet’s article on Christmas/holiday times too. Thank you Velvet. Best wishes San x

[san250]

but to me this is relevant and explains why working on yourself is so important. It’s written by Melanie Tonia Evans and although she primarily deals with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Relationships, she also explains why people turn to addictions of all sorts, why people abuse and why people let themselves be abused. However, if you can reach this state by working on yourself, you will be not be affected by people and their addictions/problems.

Why is it so important to enjoy being alone with ourselves.

1) If you are needy and lonely you are dependent on others to grant you good feelings.

2) If you feel empty you are at risk at tolerating abuse in order to try to receive love, attention or approval.

3) You will hold others responsible for not ‘giving you yourself’.

4) You may cling to others when they don’t ‘give you yourself’.

5) You are not free to interact healthily and lovingly with people from a mature, developed, stable adult centre.

The bottom line…it is impossible to be in a healthy relationship with anyone else until you have mastered a relationship with yourself.

[san250]

Great to hear you got to ‘talk’ to someone face to face :). I am sorry if my words upset you in any way. Sometimes I think the forum are a double edged sword. No-one really knows the full story. Velvet has the advantage of speaking to us in the groups and has a much better view of the whole story.

I’ve just seen this and thought of you, ‘Have patience and wait for the thing you want most. Don’t chase it. Don’t run after it. If God wants you to have it He will give it to you.’

Wishing you a good day and know we are thinking of you.

Best wishes San x

[san250]

We are here for you. Sending you a massive ((HUG)). We can feel your pain and distress. I take it your last day at work has now finished? If so, it’s gone, if not, it will be soon :). On really tough days, my motto of one day at a time becomes one hour at a time and even one minute at a time.

Christmas is such a tough time for a lot of people but it really is just one day (24 hours). This time last year I was full of chemotherapy drugs with horrendous side effects, which meant I couldn’t eat, talk or drink. I was full of morphine to deal with the pain. Christmas was the last thing on my mind. So this year it’s all change and very different, I am going to make sure it is a different Christmas because I am so grateful to be here and be able to share it with my family. So this Christmas may be painful for you but next year it could be so so different. Break those hours down, live for today, rejoice in being here and know that breakthroughs normally follow breakdowns :). Do you have someone ‘physical’ you can talk too? Maybe some therapy would be good for you too? Just a suggestion.

In a few weeks/months time, you will reread these threads and realise just how far you have come.

Thinking of you. San x

[san250]

Hold on in there! I hope you are feeling a little better now and can feel the support you have here 🙂 I always believe that everything in life happens for a reason even the ‘not so good’ bits. Sometimes we can’t see at the time why such thing would happen but further down the line the reason becomes very obvious.
My cg is my son and he has not been to rehab, so I cannot offer you any insight into that bit. The only think I would say is to be in rehab a ‘crossroads’ would have been reached and I think it’s great he is being encouraged to be truthful. The letter sounds, to me, like the addiction having a last ‘poke’ at you but of course to assume is very dangerous. Change is very often very scary, especially if you are not expecting it, however, change is also very good. Would you like the same man to emerge from Rehab? or a much improved version, who can be truthful to you? Use the time apart to rebuild for yourself, to get strong and have some fun. One day at a time, you are in the best place and we are all here for you. Sending you a cyber ((HUG)). Best wishes San x

[san250]

Of course, people here are wondering how it’s going for you and everyone else on this site. I believe, YOU, think you are being self- centred in asking if anyone is wondering what’s happening with you. For me, this is how I too was thinking when I was in ‘victim-mode’ in my life. It’s a horrible, horrible place to be and my heart goes out to you. Sending you a massive cyber hug.
It took much work on my self to move my thinking from victim to survivor to thriver. The life you describe could have been mine 5 – 10 years ago. Life kept delivering more and more ‘disasters/problems’, one after the other and bigger and deeper until it literally blew up in my face. I knew deep down this wasn’t how I wanted to live my life, I knew deep down my love for my husband had been eroded and I knew deep down my children were suffering and their behaviour was their way of trying to cope with it all. I ignored all the signs and continued to try and make it all work. My ex husband removed himself from family life and I was left to deal on my own with their behaviour, the police, the schools, the authorities, the health worries that when with it. Oh yes, what you have written could indeed have been me. At the time I did not know about my cg and his gambling problems, looking back I can see why he started and the impact it had on all of us.

All I wanted was a good family life, being supported and loved. What I didn’t realise at the time was I was supporting and loving everyone else BUT myself. I gave myself such a hard time. I didn’t listen to my body crying out for some self love and only stopped when the pains in my head became unbearable, I was forced to stop and take notice. I craved someone to support me, anyone in the end. I had always done everything in my life, never asked for help. Well, there is help out there, for everything. I learnt to delegate, I learnt to ask for help, I learnt to be kind to myself, to take one day at a time, not to worry about things that could happen. I learnt how to crawl out of victimhood, to smile again, to live again. When I did that, life became much easier. I started to attract new people into my life, that showed me a different way to be. I learnt to support myself, to be on my own, to enjoy my own company.
I had wonderful material things, big house, foreign holidays, successful husband, children wanted for nothing what I didn’t have was unconditional love, support or respect. I’ve swapped all the material things now for love, support and respect but most of all how to love, support and respect myself. You too can get off the rollercoaster life, if you really want to. Don’t leave it too long to listen to yourself, Madge. Your body already knows the answers. One day at a time. Wishing you some relief soon. Take care of you. San xx

[san250]

Hi Monique, You are so right in that “there may be other changes again before Christmas!” So many changes, however, I am taking them one step at a time and one day at a time. When I have something ‘big’ happening in my life, this is how I now chose to deal with things. I have wasted so much precious energy and time in worrying about things, that normally didn’t even happen, so my motto now is not to worry about things UNTIL they happen.

I wanted to share my thoughts on something Velvet wrote in another thread ” if your (cg) is going to gamble they will find a way and no amount of anxiety on our part will make an iota of difference – living your life in constant expectation of a disaster is soul destroying”. I think it takes a while for this old penny to drop and believe if you expect disaster all the time you will receive it. Life will always deliver what you desire/think. A good friend of mine has thought me to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks and in this instance (not to give the addiction MY mental energy or time). It takes a while to adjust to think that way but you can stop those negative thoughts in a blink and turn around the situation for YOU. I would be constantly thinking about my cg and what he was up to and waiting for that next phone call and sure enough it would come and we would play out the enabler and cg roles to perfection. At the end of the conversation the only winner was the addiction. I would be left feeling sideblinded, used and of course financially worse off. Now I make an effort NOT to phone him so often to find out what he is up to, I turn my phone off at night and I chose the time when I want to deal with him. I am learning to take control of what I can control and trying hard not to let the addiction get the better of me. I believe I have turned a corner and would like to thank everyone on this site for your valued support and cyber hugs :). (At the moment I need to write these feelings down and its good to know I have a safe place to do this) Thank you. San x

[san250]

I had to smile and nod my head alot reading this! My cg, has only once bought presents for family in his life, I suspect now, after a win, so we were lucky that year! I, though, have bought them for him to give to people! We no longer expect presents from him. I remember my cg being ‘lectured’ about his life from successful relatives and his nearest and dearest being astounded by the rubbish and bullshit coming of his mouth. I remember running around trying to make it ‘all work’, keeping everything running smoothly. As well as my cg disappearing off to friends with money from his christmas cards, we also had my ex to deal with and his antics. So as we head off to this christmas, I will ‘plan’ to head off the addiction and be more relaxed in the knowledge I have gained from this site. The relatives who asked questions and came from an ‘ego state’ are no longer in our lives and will be no where to be seen this year. I will do my bit and ‘look after myself’ and my needs, and if it means taking time out, I will. My children are young adults and can entertain themselves if need be. Wishing everyone a good christmas and remembering its only 24 hours! Take care and keep smiling. San

[san250]

‘I admit I do want to hear that your son is seeking support as there is a minefield of danger around of which he will probably be unaware’.
He won’t accept support or professional help. He thinks he can do this on his own. I feel like a broken record urging him to seek help. He now says he has turned his gambling addiction into another addiction. I now don’t believe a word he says (not that he I don’t believe he is up to no good), I guess I don’t trust anything he says. Right now I don’t want him with me at Christmas, right now I don’t want anything to do with him! Need to get to a group but I’m off to the hospital for another top-up today. Feeling really fed up.

[san250]

The Secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.

I love this quote. We only have a certain amount of energy, use it wisely. One common thread I am picking up on our forum is people running out of energy and trying to fight the ‘beast’ (addiction).
With thanks to this site I think I am getting better at recognising when the beast is active and now try very hard not to give it the attention and energy I once did. Not to say I don’t slip up on occasion! but I’ve recognised it happens when I am either very busy with something else or not feeling very well.
Sending much love and strength to you all.
San x

[san250]

if it’s meant to be, it will work out Adele. I haven’t had a chance to read all your latest threads but I am pleased to read you have found another ‘in tune’ therapist and it sounds like some changes have been made.

When I read your latest thread it reminded me of my children going off to school for the first time. Between you, your husband has the tools to make it work and now it’s wait and see time.

I love you are now going to work on you, it will make you stronger for whatever is ahead. Just letting you know you’re being thought of. Take care. San x

[san250]

I’ve just returned from my trip to the UK to see my children and sort out ‘stuff’. I am returning with a HUGE sense of relief and freedom as my 3 year old divorce finally comes to an end woohoo.

My CG met me off the train and our hug was special. It was great to see where he is living and to meet his flatmates. They have taken him under their wing and are a bit older than he is. One of them said, ‘He’s not a bad lad, his only thing is the gambling but we got him to self exclude from the bookies.’ To which I replied, ‘Which one of you did that?’ They looked shocked but when I found out which one I gave him a kiss on the cheek and said Thankyou. My CG hated that place when he first arrived there but he said its beginning to feel like home and a family there now. We had a long talk about the future and living there. We went out for dinner with my daughter, she gave him a hug too. I read somewhere not to exclude CG from family things. My son and daughter are looking forward to joining me at Christmas and all being well I will now be in a position to return to the UK for visits more frequently. I didn’t give my CG any money but I did buy him some new shoes and left two food shopping cards which he can use for food. We visited the pound shops and he asked if I could treat him to some gloves. We also went into a ‘gaming shop’ and my heart sank when he was at the counter buying a game. Instantly I thought ‘Where did he get the money to buy that?’ When we came out of the shop he showed me the game and said guess how much that was. I guessed but was wrong, he showed me the receipt and he had bought it for 49p with the last pennies in his pocket. It is so hard to trust and jump to the wrong conclusion. The trust thing is going to be a long process I feel.

It was a flying visit but a much needed one. Looking forward to catching up with you all soon, right now I have washing up to do as the cleaning fairies didn’t quite make it to the sink! Happy sunday everyone. San xx

[san250]

Fantastic news to come home to 🙂 Many congratulations – you will be great. Best wishes in your new role. San x

[san250]

I think Monique’s response is spot on. Answers will come when the time is right and to live in the present is the way to go. I also think only YOU will know if you will ever trust him again. Despite my ex husband trying to change, going to therapy and everything else, the day he hit me he stepped over the line for me. It was a firm boundary of mine and I knew deep down I was never going to trust him not to hit me. It took 14 months for us to come to the conclusion to separate and see what the extra space would bring. Next week I go to sign papers that will finally end my association with that man – 3 and a half years from the moment he hit me. When I look back at that time, everything happened at the right time, even though I couldn’t see it at the time. I’ve worked continuously on my recovery and believe I’ve come out the other side a much stronger person. When I’ve tried to push things on for a conclusion, I’ve been met with resistance. When I’ve let things happen in their own time, things have been much calmer and the end result better for me. One day at a time. Concentrate on yourself and your recovery. And a belated Happy Birthday. Take Care San x

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