[san250]

you have such an insight already to the gambling/addiction. I personally think you did the right think in walking away as this will give you much needed space to start/continue your own recovery. I also believe co-dependency is the other side of the coin to addiction/abuse in general. And when you can work through co-dependency you will become a much stronger person and will not attract the addicts. Well done for starting your thread and I hope others will give you some ideas on how to start your recovery.

Although my mother is not a cg, I have not spoken to her in over a year and I have to say I do not miss the drama and chaos she caused in my life. It was very hard to cut those aprons strings but I feel so much better for it and my life is much quieter. Just something to think about. Best wishes San

[san250]

Life is certainly throwing alot of stuff my way … arghhhh… everyone around seems to be ill, including my partner, who has been my rock. We now start the ‘hospital’ rounds with him. I am waiting on biopsy results for myself (although no news is good news here and I’ve heard nothing). And the other rock in my life my father is not so good either.
What has this to do with my cg and his gambling? … when I’m pre-occupied, under par etc etc, I think the addiction homes in on the weakness and vulnerability!! I’m tired and it’s easy to give in to his demands. I can sense I am talking to the addiction with the rage in his voice and words when I question why he wants this money. I am trying to protect my finances and he sees it as controlling him. Hello its MY money! When the confrontation gets bad he throws in ‘all I am thinking about is suicide’. And then I give in :(. When the ‘rocks’ in my life are really really ill and back and forth to the hospital, as am I, my cg’s (addiction’s) selfishness is very hard to swallow.

The ‘controlling’ issue has raised its head alot lately and I wonder if that’s how cg’s see us, as controlling monsters? He says everyone in his life has been ‘controlling’ him for the last 5 years and he just wants to do his own thing. He says when he feels controlled it messes with his head and sends him to gamble. Because other people in my life have said, independently, that I am controlling too, I have really backed off EVERYONE! I have enough going on in my own life to concentrate on.

The group times have changed to times that are hard for me to get to or I am asleep! Maybe just writing this down will help.

Hoping as the forum is quiet everyone is okay and getting on with their own lives. Sending good wishes to all. San x

[san250]

My advice would be to leave him behind and have a great time with your kids on your own.
Velvet wrote a very good thread about Christmas and how to cope with it, I think this could be applied to ‘special occasions’ too. http://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/christmas-2013-thoughts

She says “By looking after yourself you will give all your loved ones a happier Christmas than if you allow the addiction of your loved one to bring you down.”

Good Luck Madge, we look forward to an update when you get back. Keep smiling. San x

[san250]

I’ve thought long and hard before replying to your thread. My heart goes out to you. Been there, got the T-shirt as they say. Everyone is right in saying it will only change when YOU change, however, at the point in the journey you are, that maybe hard to hear and deal with. Everyone has to go at their own pace and it’s scary, terrifying in places, soul searching and full of fear of the unknown for the future and on the other side very rewarding, safe, easy and full of love. I talk of it as sides because when you work on yourself that’s what it feels like crossing to another world.

Everyone has there ‘enough is enough’ point when your are forced to make some changes. We hear about our CG’s reaching this point, I believe Family and Friends reach that point too. Life will continue to send events etc your way (and each time it will get worse) until you reach that point. When you do reach that point Madge I want you to know there is so much help out there for you. You don’t have to do it alone. I craved help and support for the troubles I went through with my children (ex-hubby backed right off when he could no longer ‘control’ them). I was way out of my depth and he was there but not there when it came to helping me deal with schools, self harming, gambling, drugs, drink etc etc. When I started to do the work on myself, I learnt how to support myself, how to ask for specific help and life showered me with the support I needed. I am now teaching my children how to get that help and support for themselves. I don’t want them to wait until they are in their 40’s to start to live their lives.

It was hard to admit defeat in that my marriage was not working. I worked sooo hard at trying to make it work and I believe we went round and round the block so many times reaching a point of do we keep working at this or separate.
We agreed to separate in the end and see how our lives would go (divorce was not an option then). After just 3 months of living apart we agreed to divorce. Three years later we divorced and now the 30 years I spent with that man I can’t even remember!! I blocked it out lovely and enjoy my life to the full now living one day at a time.

It will be interesting to see how your CG get’s on in the UK. My CG has now left the UK because the temptation in the UK was too much and he wasn’t ready to ask for the help yet. I would say use the time he is away to really think about what you want from your life. Your children will grow up and leave before you know it! Keeping a journal I always found very helpful just to vent and sometimes out of my scribblings came some answers too. Let the pen flow, don’t think too much about what you are writing just let it all out.

Everyone deserves a good, safe, easy life. It’s waiting for you Madge :).

San x

[san250]

Hi Velvet, thanks for the clarification :). I’ll try to get to a group soon. San

[san250]

Hiya, I just logged on to find out when the next family and friends group time was and found it’s changed. Please can someone explain what the new titles to the groups mean. I did look it up but was not clear what they meant. What is the difference between a Peer group and a Therapy Session. Many thanks. San

[san250]

Sending you a cyber (((HUG))). I really hope your doctor will give you a referral so you can find the answers you desperately seek.
Maybe there will be a medical answer to how you feel, if so I hope they find it and offer you some relief/treatement.

The path I took when dealing with my own sham of a 25 year marriage eventually took me to another aspect of life I was not even aware of. I was full of ‘feelings’ that had been opressed and hidden first from my father and then from my ex husband. So at 45 years of age I was deprived of any feeling, numb, dead inside. I was eventually diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have not looked back since. I don’t believe people are born without feelings, something happens in life for you to bury them and then it can feel like we don’t have any. You may have to go back a very long way, for me it was when I was 9 month’s old that shaped me and the life I’ve had! I hope you find your release soon and can start to enjoy life again. The other side is a wonderful place 🙂
Good Luck Nomore and happy valentine’s day. Best wishes San x

[san250]

Thank you once again for your good wishes. I don’t feel very inspirational Monique but I believe I know what you are saying. I have acquired alot of ‘bouncebackability’ during my life and since the cancer thing have adopted the one day at a time. There was a point in my treatment when it went through my head, ‘I have two choices here, curl up in the corner and die or get on with it and face whatever is ahead’ I decided I was not ready to die so the second option was the one I chose. I can, however, see how people get to the dying option.

In life it is scary to face certain situations when you have no idea of the outcome. I will put the article on the ‘ego’ up in a little while, but in there the lady refers to Breakdowns as really breakthroughs, as the breakdowns take you to the ‘other side’. I believe once you have experienced a real breakdown and come out the other side, you have faith to do it time and time again. Fear is what keeps us trapped in situations.

In regard to my cg, he is currently involved in a world I know nothing about and I have to constantly remind myself to let him go and watch him head towards a breakdown. I cannot do this for him, I HAVE TO LET GO. It is very hard!

Have a great weekend every one, keep strong. San xx

PS I got confused (easily done!) the article regarding Breakdowns turn to Breakthroughs is in this article
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-i-learnt-to-embrace-my-breakdowns/
This helps me to keep going.

[san250]

Here as promised V an update on my scan. The Cancer is unchanged, still asleep, no bigger, no smaller hurrayyy!!! However, the scan has brought two other health concerns to the fore so I have more tests in the coming weeks. This chemo stuff is strong and I believe messes other bits of you up!! The doctor did stress it was not urgent but needed to be investigated … oh the joy. I also had my antibody top up yesterday, so should be full of energy again for a few weeks :).

At least this news has taken my mind off my cg and his adventures.

Last night I dreamt that my dead sister visited my father and told him she had come for me. He persauded her to go away and come back another time hahahaha. It was a very vivid dream!

So I am back to the One day at a time, one scan at a time and try not to worry until we know what we are dealing with. The good news is these new health concerns are NOT cancer because they would have shown up. Also I have another 6 months before I have to go through the Scanxiety again and it will be a ‘normal’ scan not the radioactive one.

I have read a fantastic article on ‘the ego’ this week which I may share in the Family and Friends Topics forum as there are certainly bits in there relevant to us.

Wishing everyone lots of strength to stay true to yourself and not to let that ‘beast’ get to you today and beyond. Best wishes San xx

[san250]

I’ve learnt over the last few years that when people are not happy with their lot they turn to things outside of them to find the happiness that isn’t inside them, be it gambling, drink, drugs, food, sex, shopping, whatever it is that fills the void inside. I guess it takes a brave soul to face whatever it is that is making them unhappy. I can only say that when you break through that, the other side is a beautiful, peaceful place full of love. Toxic people have to go … be it so called friends and family.

The more I have worked on my own issues, the stronger I have become in dealing with such people. With the help of this site and the wonderful people who work here I have been able to arm myself with ways to be proactive with my cg. I am like you in that the times he ‘gets’ to me are when I am unwell, tired, underpar but I am learning new ways to deal with that too. I’ve had many conversations with him to try to understand what it is that is causing his unhappiness and recently we have made great strides in understanding each other’s point of view. But I think my constant ‘go and get help pleas’ were driving him to distraction and I now understand he is no where near ready to look inside of him for that peace. He is so scared to even take a peep at ‘the other side’ or inside the box. I will always be here for him when he is ready but just right now I have to let go. Someone once said to me that in order for people to grow they have to go through whatever it is on their own, even if YOU know the answers to their problems. So when I relate that to my cg I think ‘I’m letting you go so you can grow’. If I continue to always find answers for him, he is not living his life, I am living my life through him and that is not what I want. I guess also because I have faced with my own mortality, I more than ever want him to grow, in case I’m not around for him.

You say ‘He keeps harping back to the same issues and refuses to let go’. For me that would be the starting point. Maybe you could both get some sort of help, mediation perhaps, so you can quietly and rationally sit down and talk it through, without both or one of you getting angry about it? It sounds like he is maybe stuck at that point in his life?

When my ex husband’s domestic violence turned physical I know I got stuck for months at that point. I really was stuck and it took so much work to move me on. I was eventually diagnosed with PSTD. I always say ‘never, ever underestimate the effects of any type of abuse.’ I know my cg was subjected to my ex’s abuse too and I am sure some of that is why he is as he is. Put that along side my complete co-dependency at the time and it’s no wonder he has problems! I have apologised to all my children for my part in their childhood upbringing and have managed to be frank and honest with them. And listened to their side of the story too. I wasn’t a strong woman then, I was completely under the spell of my ex husband and didn’t know there was a different way to live! I feel stupid even typing that now but that is how it was at the time. I can happily say that what I have now is nothing like my marriage and I can walk with my head held up high now and no longer live in fear (a horrible place to be). Onwards and upwards … wishing you a ‘strong’ day.

[san250]

Thank you for your reply, I found it fascinating. I really value it.

My son has good points, that show when the addiction is not in play. In him I see a ‘little boy’ very lost, low self esteem, a tortured soul. I see him playing at life, on a self destruct path, not knowing which way to turn. He does not have a focus, a point to get up in the morning. Now add into the mix the addiction and the lies and manipulation to get money. I don’t believe anybody likes to be lied to? And the lies can be very real. The suicide threats.

Don’t we all have our demons/vices? I would overeat when dealing with my ex husband and children. When I started my recovery and finally got away from him, I discovered why I was overeating and two reasons showed up:- cream cakes etc don’t shout at you, they became my friends, they felt good to eat but then the guilty kicked in. The other reason – if I was fat no man would show an interest in me and I wouldn’t have to deal with my ex-husband and his accusations and paranoia. I had no confidence to express how I felt at all. After recovery and alot of self work if I have ANYTHING on my mind now, I voice my opinion and work through any problems right there and then. This took 3 years of hard work to rid myself of old beliefs and replace them with good positive ones.

What did you mean by ‘Giving a wide berth to people who torment us works better?’ In what way do they torment you?

Good luck with your own recovery. Best wishes San
I like quotes and this one seemed fitting with this thread 🙂
‘Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions. — Unknown’

[san250]

Well since Christmas, my cg has gone all quiet. When I talk to him he is very calm and offering very little. I can only assume he has found another enabler, but as its not good to assume, I can only hope for the best as a mother does.

From my point of view since the big realisation he is not ready for ‘help’, I have let go ‘big time’. I have stopped pushing him in the direction of help. I have tried to get on with my own life, spent more quality time with my partner, gone back to work (and am not constantly checking my phone to see if my cg ‘needed’ me). I turn off my phone at night now to ensure a good night’s sleep. My cg has blocked me on the chat, I know he is on line because he has not blocked my partner :), strangely this is a good thing. We can both get on with our own lives without constant reminders of the addiction. A mother’s ‘concern’ over her son’s welfare and for a son the enabling lifeline readily available. Although what happened on Christmas Day was painful I think it served it’s purpose and I am enjoying the silence, filling the void with other things.

I have another scan in 10 days and am praying the ‘cancer beast’ inside me is still sleeping. Interestingly my son said he doesn’t not see the illness in me any more. I know it’s still there but it hopefully sleeps :). I won’t remind him I have a scan and will wait until I know the result. I realise he can not handle it.

So for now signing off, wishing everyone dealing with ‘active addiction’ cgs strength, love and eternal hope. This is a great place for support and advice. Take Care San xx

[san250]

Sending a hug back to you. It’s good to see your update and I hope your daughter is okay too. I think it’s a shock when the rose tinted glasses come off and you can see your relationship with the cg for what it is. When the reality hits, I believe, we go through a grief process that needs to be given time, a lot of tender self love too. I’ve learnt so much over the last few years and one of the biggest lessons has been that people don’t think or treat people like I do! This is especially true when the addiction takes hold of my cg. I am still learning how to deal with this. I no longer take it personally and have very low expectations from him now. If something ‘nice’ happens with him its a bonus!
Velvet talks about ‘the void’ when you switch from thinking about your cg and the addiction to thinking about other things and yourself. With your rose tinted glasses off, I am sure you can see how much time and energy has been spent on your cg in the past. When I realised this time and energy was not reciprocated I felt very hurt and rejected. I now realise his thinking was not the same as mine and this information helped to heal the wounds.

When I read your thread the hurt you feel floods through. I found this today … ‘At the end of the day, tell yourself gently: I love you, you did the best you could today, and even if you didn’t accomplish all you had planned, I love you anyway.’

I’m going to be very honest with you now, I am jealous (if that’s the right word) that your cg is in a place he can get help. I’ve realised that my cg is no where near ready for that type of help YET. I can ‘hear’ it’s very hard for you at the moment, however, your cg is getting help and has the ‘chance’ to change. Hold onto that Neecy and use this time to recover and be gentle with yourself. As for his sister … don’t give her words any of your time or energy, we all know that he is in the best place to get help, she probably doesn’t understand the addiction very well. One day at a time … and it will get easier as you arm yourself with a better understanding of the addiction and how to deal with it yourself. Hoping you have a better day and can find something to smile and laugh about today. Take Care san x

[san250]

Apparently, yesterday I inadvertently held a ‘mirror’ up to the beast which led to a massive gambling ‘stint’ on my computer right into front of me, without me knowing. So today, I am left feeling numb, realising my cg is nowhere near seeking help, has no intention of seeking help although he is not happy with his life. I have to let go and let him get on with it, whatever that may be. We all head back to the UK tomorrow and my children back to their lives and for me, a shopping spree and a welcome break to see my father. I’m feeling I’m done with all this. What’s the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it. And you can’t put wise heads on young shoulders (or something like that!). Need to surround myself with positive people and let other’s get on with their lives in what ever way they want to go. I’m fed up with miserable people around me even family!
Onwards and upwards my cyber friends. Take Care San x

[san250]

Thankyou for my replies and best wishes. My cg is with me along with my other children. I’ve a busy day ahead, I don’t have a large fridge so the meat is outside behind the shutters waiting to come in … some advantages of living here! Much love to you all, Happy Christmas, Joyeux Noël. San x

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