[san250]

I come to this site when things are tough and I need some ‘stay strong’ vibes. I am currently being bombared with demands for money and how my cg’s life is going to go to pot if I don’t send it. Oh and it’s all MY fault! I’m just replying ‘I don’t have it’.
My own health has had its twists and turns since I last spoke to someone here and this week my partner has been told he has cancer too. I can’t take much more.
Today, friday is pay day so all my cg’s money has gone and every friday he makes my life hell!! Well I’ve had enough.

Hope you are all okay.

[san250]

Well done James and thank you so much for sharing. Codependency sucks and to see you have come out the other side is truly wonderful. Take care and good luck to you and your daughter. She will appreciate the break you made in years to come. Best wishes San x

[san250]

well it’s taken me a very long time to reach this point but I am finally ready to let my son go. This time he has stepped over the line and my threshold. The details are not relevant just that I have reached that point where I have to let him go and face whatever the future has for him. I’ve stuck by him through thick and thin, i’ve recognised when the addiction is speaking, he’s had so many second chances its embarrassing, the addiction has torn my family apart and threatened my relationship with my partner. No more, i’ve finally reached my enough is enough point!

The biggest stopper for me has been threats of suicide if I don’t send him money. Well if that’s what he wants to do, I will not stop him. I am not playing the manipulation game anymore. I will not be blackmailed by anyone. I will not be taken down with him.

He is not ready to accept help. I will hope one day he is. Until then I will carry on with MY life.

Hoping everyone is okay and getting on with their own lives. Best wishes San x

[san250]

Sharing this article to help stop the circle of abuse and co-dependency. If you have children and want them to grow up unaffected please read.
“It is to do with our children, and how we can help them not live the lives of suffering, abuse and unconsciousness that we have, and how we can stop these cycles being passed on from generation to generation.

This article is vital for you if you are a parent. The information in this article is essential for every parent, especially those who have been involved in abuse.

Most of us did not come from conscious parenting. Our own parents did not come from conscious parenting, or their parents before them.

– See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/parents-empowering-themselves-for-their-childrens-sake/#sthash.oSgaRIzR.dpuf

When I read threads on here, lots of the issues described in this article are mentioned.

[san250]

I pop in now and then and have a read. The drama continues all around me but I am trying my hardest not to be dragged into it. I am on the edge of it!

I am trying to make my decisions ‘conscious’ ones and then I tell whoever what my decision is and why I am making that decision. My cg ‘obviously’ doesn’t like it because I am taking control and not him or the addiction. He doesn’t like it but I am tired of pussyfooting around people. I can’t change anyone only myself and my reaction to any drama. So that’s what I am about at the moment. It’s good for me but probably not for people who know me as someone, in the past, who would put everyone and their problems before myself and my well being.

I am hoping to have a break soon and am protecting my finances in whatever way I can, so that I can have it. My health needs a break! Another scan coming up so suffering the old Scanxiety at the moment.

Hope you are well and best wishes to everyone else too. Learning to take my power back has been a very liberating thing!

San x

[san250]

I can’t recommend this enough to anyone who wants some relief and release. It’s turned my life around. This event is free and could change your life too. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thankyou-step2.html

Time to get your power back? This will help. Wishing you all the best. San x

[san250]

I’m not sure where you are in the world but when I got divorced, my youngest child’s welfare was the court’s primary concern. Everything revolved around him first, where he was going to live, how we would both support him financially, access was not an issue. It might be worth finding out the law of the land in relation to child custody?
My cg is my son and letting him drop to rock bottom was heart wrenching possibly one of the most distressing experiences in my life.
No one can tell you what to do, but reading this post I think you have possible made up your mind already. Keep strong for your daughter’s sake.
I am a child minder as well and I think the little boy I look after (4 years old) is well adjusted so if you go down that route a good child minder can be a good option. Best wishes San

[san250]

Lovely article Twilight. I love the bit that you can now have a relationship with your father on your terms. This bit I am hanging onto with my fingertips as my cg tries to manipulate me still and have it all on his terms. I’ve been told I am very stubborn by many people and I know I am battling (not the right word) with the addiction but I only take so much.

Thank you for writing this and sharing it with the world.

Best wishes San x

[san250]

You are entitled to happiness!! The addiction was not thinking of you and your happiness when in full swing. I am glad you have someone you can share your experiences with and who is not judging you and comes from a similar place … it will help. I truly believe everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason … the good and the not so good! Take any support that comes your way. Hoping you feel a little stronger after some sleep. Best wishes San x

[san250]

Wow your thread is so powerful to read, very clear and a great source of information in how this horrible addiction can effect those that live with a cg. Well done for writing it and sharing it.

I can imagine after the release, a period of grieving for your marriage, be gentle with yourself. If a cg can not help themselves they will not change. No one ever knows what the future holds and it’s only after a period of time we can look back and see how everything had to happen for us to reach our new destination.

The only validation you need, needs to come from yourself, again be gentle with yourself. There is nothing like peace of mind and taking back your own power and never letting another person take that power away from you again. I would respectfully suggest looking at yourself to find what you can do to attract a different type of person. If you do nothing you will attract the same type of partner.

Thank you so much for sharing. Best wishes San x

[san250]

Not much to report on my cg front. He told me to back off (in a nice way) and that’s what I am doing. When he calls he now asked if I am okay and we don’t talk about gambling any more. We have more ‘adult’ conversations and I am letting him get on with his own life. I miss him but I don’t miss the drama.

In relation to my own recovery, I worked hard to re-wire some core beliefs I had and by doing so, I don’t now get the ‘gut wrenching fear’ that I once did. If I am now faced with the same triggers I don’t have a reaction to them, it’s wonderful! I’ve just read this quote and it sums up how powerful core beliefs are and our reaction to new information. Something to ponder on a Monday morning 🙂

“Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted. It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn’t fit in with the core belief.”

Wishing everyone continued strength and successful recoveries. San x

[san250]

I’m reading your posts too as they come through. Your story is certainly not NOT interesting! A little complicated, maybe, but there are many facets to it. Back in 2010 I wrote a blog entitled ‘Who am I’ it’s stored on my computer. After reading your thread and another, I re-read some of it and it could be ‘your’ story. The now ex-husband and his ‘games’, sleeping in separate bedrooms, going to counselling, the affects on my children etc etc. I was exhausted emotionally and physically, frustrated things weren’t happening faster, completely ‘drained’ with children/schools etc etc. I talk about being lonely and there must be more to life than this! I remember a time when my eldest son held me in his arms and cried, ‘We want our mum back’. I gave all of myself away to my ex and my children, my house, my work.
I look back on those times now and wonder ‘who is that lady
talking there’ it’s not ME. I understand that everything that happened HAD to happen to get me where I am today. Slowly reclaiming ME back and letting go of what I could not control has brought me where I am today.

‘I realize my CG will be having problems forever because it is not just his CG – he also is Bipolar, ADHD, Sex Addict, Compulsive eater, CG……that makes me sad but I do love him and I know he loves us..’ This is a huge statement Madge. You understand he will have these problems forever … can YOU live with it forever? Is love enough? Only you know those answers. I believe your body knows the answer to these questions already it’s whether you choose to listen to it is the question. Sending you a cyber hug and wishing you some peace. Best wishes San x

[san250]

Just wanted to say ‘hello’. Your list of questions struck a chord with me. I believe as we go through the transitions of being a victim into survivor and then into thriver, some of us have a need to reflect on what’s gone before and come up with all these questions. At the time it is important to have the answers, or it seems that way, however when you are further down the road you understand you do not really need to know the answers and that everything that has happened HAD to happen to bring you where you are today.
If you hold on to it all, it can eat you up and you will not be able to move on. When you are ready to, let it go and discover a new type of freedom (it’s waiting for you).
We can only ever be responsible for ourselves no one else. Someone once told me that by rescuing other people, we do in fact stop them from growing (taking responsibility for themselves). Well the thought I was stopping someone from growing was enough to stop me in my tracks. It’s the same for children they love to be able to do things for themselves (if they are allowed to without criticism). And what a great gift to give a child to be able to cope with this world.
I don’t believe a child who has witnessed a gambling household will not be affected in some way, but a strong mother who has worked on her own recovery, has to be a better option than a mother who turned a blind eye to the problem?? Stay strong Jenny and work towards becoming a thriver by looking after YOU first. Best wishes San x

[san250]

What a wonderful post to wake up to and read! You’ve come so far and I wish you much happiness in your new home and new ‘life’. This is one occasion I wish we could share photos … would love to see your new Harley! Wishing you many many happy journeys. Very best wishes San xx

[san250]

on the birth of your daughter. A new baby always bring renewed hope in the world. Enjoy and remember to take some ‘me time’ when you can. Sending love and hugs to you and your ‘babies’.
San xx

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