[san250]

Happy New Year everyone

I am so grateful or all the support and helpful advice and information from everyone here. I had a message left overnight from my daughter to say “HELP, I’ve had a massive relapse and now I don’t know what to do. blah blah blah basically wanting me to bail her out. I have no money it’s all gone, so even if I wanted to I couldn’t. I messaged her back suggesting she reach out to her sponsor/helplines that she is hooked up to. Didn’t say I couldn’t help her! yet. But to reach out for the people that CAN help her, that it’s normal to relapse, there’s no shame and no blame and that I love her. Now I wait … not all things stop wait, just wait.

In the meantime, I have done some inner energy work connecting with my innerchild to find childhood wounds for release and so I took my daughter’s message, inwards and found the wound! It’s so amazing how this works! So this is what I found … I was around 2 years old and very unhappy, I asked my inner child why she was feeling so unhappy and she said, “I know my mum is still grieving/unhappy (she lost a baby a year before I came along), but I can’t make her happy, no matter what I do.” I released this stored energy and feel much lighter now.
So where does this fit in with my daughter? My daughter triggered the same emotions that my 2 year old innerchild had “Wanting to make other people happy so I feel safe in the world” (Give my daughter money so she is happy so I feel safe in the world again … and don’t have to face this horrible sadness in my body). It’s the trigger of this feeling that leads to, and makes it alright for me to, enable my daughter by rescuing her (bailing her out). Get the feeling out of my body with energy work and now I have no emotional charge to rescue her.

She gets to face her demons, knows I love her unconditionally will support her but NOT enable her by bailing her out. Win/Win in my books.

I hope that makes some sense … stay strong everyone.

Much love

San xxx

[san250]

wishing you all a wonderful 2016 x

I’m good, in a good place mentally. My physical health has taken a little bump but I’m looking to recover quickly and get on with life. Since forgiving myself I’ve made strides with my relationships with my adult children (notice the word adult! smiles). I’ve backed off big time and the space has allowed them to take responsibility for their own lives and decisions. And it’s allowed me to have quality time and head space with my partner. We are looking to getting a dog and are very excited about welcoming a new life into our home and hearts.

My cg son still asks for financial help, sometimes I help him, sometimes I don’t. He has moved on from some dodgy ‘mates’ and appears much calmer in his skin. We’ve had a couple of heart to hearts and I firmly believe deep down he has a very good handle on his decisions. He always asks how I am now and what I’ve been up to before anything else and tells me he loves me.

Many of the coping strategies I learnt here I still use and remember. The F and F cycle and the fact he will always find somewhere to stay and something to eat and is indeed a survival pro! And when ‘under’ the addiction he will tell any story to get money … ooo we’ve had some really good ones! but I’m now seeing through them more and not responding to immediate requests … give him a ‘No’ and see what happens.

Life is really too short and so spreading the love has become my latest mission :). And on that note, love to you all.

San xx

[san250]

Hi Velvet and everyone

So here’s an update … I continue to work on myself and I am indeed not the person I was even a couple of months ago. I’ve worked very hard on clearing beliefs in me that had a negative effect on myself and my life. I’ve realised I had NO boundaries and especially the cg could twist me round his little finger with no problem at all. I’ve taken my focus off him, it’s no longer my business what he does with his life, it’s his life. He is an adult not a five year old. I will no longer tolerate his games. He told me recently he tried to kill himself and supposedly called me from a hospital with a croaky voice.
I think the biggest thing that has happened is I have let him go, and I have finally forgiven myself for not taking my children out of my toxic marriage. My enabling was a form of conditional love (buying his love for feeling guilty for his childhood) and trying to fix everything to protect him from life. Everyone is responsible for their own healing. I accept my part in his upbringing and I’ve shown him where he can get help but until he has reached a point in his life that really hurts, only he can do something about it.
I’ve also cleared out negative beliefs in relation to overeating, these go back to childhood and feelings of being abandoned, rejected and conditional love. I am no longer an emotional eater and I have no desire at all to eat unhealthy food or in excess. I have lost 6 kg since August without even trying.
I truly believe for some cgs the desire to gamble is in relation to negative beliefs running in their body and stem from childhood wounds. They would rather gamble than face their true feelings and when they lose and mess up their lives they face even more pain and sink deeper into it. If they could find the courage to become conscious and face those fears and work hard in recovery they stand a chance.
There are 3 levels of consciousness:
1. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know why I’m doing it.

2. I know what I’m doing but I don’t know why I’m doing it.

3. I know what I’m do and I am deeply interested in understanding ‘why’ I do it.” –
When people want to know why they do something, they ‘wake up’ and recovery can start.
I love the work you do here. It helped me so much in my journey and I will be always grateful for the support and guidance you all offered. Much love San xx

[san250]

Hi Velvet and everyone 🙂
I love how you pop up in my email whenever I’m having a cg crisis, you must have a crystal ball!!
Well the inevitable has happened and due to gambling my son’s relationship has spectacularly collapsed and her family flew him out of the country! So now a week later he is back on the island he was on before, penniless and miserable.
I’ve been working so hard on myself. The only person I am going to change. I have to change to find peace and get rid of co-dependency ways. Being co-dependent means I have a huge need to fix things and control things to keep myself safe and happy, but as we know no one wants to be controlled. I’m currently working on boundaries and realise I’ve had very few! And my need to give away my stuff is due to wanting to be accepted and loved. Now I’ve cleared that belief up I am feeling much stronger and calmer. This bit really hit home … “There maybe times we are called upon to assist but it will seriously impact upon our time, resources or energy levels. It is foolish to give time when we are running out of it ourselves, money when we are struggling financially or effort when we are exhausted or unwell.” and this, “EMPOWERING SOMEONE ELSE TO NOT NEED YOU”.
So for the last two nights my son has told me he has nothing, no where to stay, no money and no food. It’s very hard but I have not sent him anything. He is resourceful and the things he says do not add up. He only wants me to put money in his bank blah blah blah. How much he has to lose before he wakes up, I do not know.
I’m off to see my daughter in two weeks for a few days and I can’t wait. I haven’t seen her for a year due to my partner’s cancer treatment. He is now in remission and I can leave him on his own. It’s been a hard year but I hope on the up now. My other son is in South Asia studying and I’m going to see him next year :).
I hope everyone else is okay and not letting the cg ruin their lives. Take care everyone. San xx

[san250]

Thank you so much for your kind comments. Ive always been an honest person so my comments have reflected this, good times and not so good times. I am currently continuing to work on self empowerment with forgiveness. While we continue to focus on the cgs, life will continue to keep giving us problems. We cannot fix them, we can only help ourselves, look how long it took me to realise this and be strong enough to do something about it! Ive had to look so deep to find out why i continued to enable him so long. Ive found beliefs in me of: if i dont help him he will reject me and abandon me; i dont trust him to do the right thing; love will conquer all; he will/is bringing shame on the family; i wanted to make up for the horrible childhood he had concerning his father etc etc. Ive been able to accept these now and am learning to self love so i dont need these beliefs in my life. Ive learnt to forgive myself for enabling him and to let him go to take the consequences of his actions. Who am i to control his life like this? Big lessons learnt and i still hope one day he will seek help for himself. Much love to everyone xx

[san250]

Hi everyone, Since I’ve been working on myself, I’ve become much stronger in dealing with my son. For the last three weeks he has stopped contacting me on a daily basis. I’ve learnt the word ‘No’ and he seems to have accepted that. I’ve had a few ‘I need to talk’ texts and I’ve replied, ‘No, I have no money’. He came back, ‘It’s not about money, why do you always think it’s about money?’ Duh because for the last 8 years that’s all the calls have been about! Anyways, he hasn’t contacted me and I’ve contacted him once a week to have a mother/son chat about life in general and no mention of money. It’s so good to have a normal conversation with him. I’ve accepted that it’s none of my business what he is up to and if he gets into trouble he has to face the consequences. I’ve also accepted if he follows through suicidal thoughts, I really did my best to help him, but cannot be held to ransom with these threats anymore. I still hope one day he will seek the help he needs but right now the most help I can give him, is to look after myself and my sanity. Love to you all xx

[san250]

Thank you for thinking of me. My partner finished his chemoradiation treatment three weeks ago and is slowly recovering. We won’t know for 2 -3 months if it has worked or not. I’ve gone down with the flu but it’s probably a reaction to all the stress. We keep going and then when the pressure is off it can hit you. My cg has his moments! He always seems to know when I’m at my lowest. I am trying hard not to respond to the addiction. I don’t always succeed with that. I’ve gone back to a lady who helped me get over my horrible ex husband. She does healings where negative beliefs are eradicated and new healthier beliefs put in. I don’t know how it works but it does. I asked her to help me deal with my son. I want to be able to see his number flash up on my phone and not to go into ‘panic’ mode, to be able to talk to him calmly and with compassion but to stick to my beliefs. On friday he had gone through the ‘normal’ thing for him, get his pay packet and blow it in the bookies, ring mother, tell her a story about how his life is now going to end as he doesn’t have the mortgage money and expects me to bail him out. I didn’t!! An hour later he says he got lucky and its all sorted. I didn’t ask how. He wants me to go back to the UK to take him to the doctors to get help. I told my own doctor this and he said, He needs to take responsibility for his own health. It really struck home!! So I think the biggest change is I am getting help for ME. My cg needs to take responsibility for his actions and face the consequences. I am finally letting him go and I don’t feel guilty anymore.
How is it going with you B? I hope you are okay too. Take Care. San

[san250]

Hi everyone. A little update for you. My partner is nearly halfway through his cancer treatment. I won’t say it’s easy because the daily trek to the hospital for radiotherapy and weekly chemotherapy is no way easy. I am off work with stress while he goes through this treatment.
About a month ago, my son, my cg and I had a huge row and it ended with me saying that it was best he led his life and I led my life. He called me ‘a nasty piece of work’ which I had to really really talk to myself and wake up to ‘No, you are not a nasty piece of work’. He was lashing out. Anyway, we have had minimal contact since. I’ve turned off the phone he could contact me on … it’s sitting in a draw and not been on for month. He left a message on Skype to say Happy Mother’s Day and hoped my partner was getting better.
But that’s it. I don’t feel anything. I am angry at myself for giving the bookies all my money but that’s it. Don’t know what else to say right now, but hope everyone else is okay and finds the strength to resolve/walk away/let them go/get your cg to get help. I still hope one day he will ‘wake up’ and get the help he deserves.
Best wishes
San

[san250]

Thank you ladies for your kind wishes. My partner is about to embark on chemo and radiotherapy for 8 weeks. We are exhausted with trips to the hospital to get ready for the treatment, which starts next monday.
I haven’t had any contact with my Cg for nearly two weeks now. He text me to say I was a nasty piece of work, to which I had to tell myself I wasn’t that and he was just lashing out. I just replied Ok. Last week he attempted to make contact with a hello but I chose to ignore it. I cannot deal with his drama and I am enjoying the freedom of no contact.

I think everyone has a point when enough is enough or people cross a line and I think I finally reached that point with him. The space has also given me some clarity over his behaviour and I have had to separate the fact he is my son but he is his own person and an adult, not my little boy anymore.
Take care everyone.
San xx

[san250]

Firstly, thank you all so much for your loving supportive messages. They really do help :). xx

My partner is going to hospital everyday this week apart from today for meetings with radiotherapists, oncologists etc and on friday has an operation to insert a stomach peg so he can feed. We find out what dates he will have his radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Our hospital is 3 train journeys away and costs al!
I have given most of my money to my cg to help him set up his life and he promised (now laugh) to pay me back and set up a direct debit for a very small amount each week.
In this country if someone gives up their job to care for someone there is no provision for a ‘carer’s allowance’ so I have an agreement with my employers for the next 8 weeks where I just have to work 2 of them and can care for my partner while he goes through his treatment.
I explain this to my cg and ask he sets up the direct debit to help me through this time. Bear in mind he actually earns more than me.
I expect most of you know what’s coming! I was barraged with excuses why he could not do this and it ended in verbal abuse hurled my way and no offer of help. I kept relatively calm said he was unbelievable and to leave me alone. We agreed for him to go and live his life and for me to go and live my life.
I love my son but I don’t like my son.
So now no contact for the weekend and I have been able to enjoy a stressfree, free from emotional abuse weekend before my partner embarks on his treatment plan. I feel relief. My daughter is on standby to come and help me too.

If you want to do something for me now, please send good vibes my way to help me get through this next phase of my life. We are both really scared.

San xx

[san250]

I just want you to know I am reading the replies as they come in and really appreciate every word. I will reply in full another time. We get my partner’s full results tomorrow and are trying to have a quiet weekend ahead of a daunting week to come. The phone I use for my son has been turned off over the weekend! I started turning my phone off at night a long time ago. It’s interesting your use the term ‘Narcissism’ Madge, my ex husband was one and all of my children show traits of it :(.
I have to go now but I will be back later in the week. Thankyou all so much xx

[san250]

Thank you Vera. I needed to read that :). I hope one day he will seek the help and is truly happy. I am worn out, I don’t have the energy to continue giving this addiction any more attention.

[san250]

Why, oh why does it take me so long to wake up to things. I always think the best in everyone and give people more chances than I should. It’s something I’ve always done. I don’t consider myself a soft touch but something must be wrong somewhere along the lines.

So … I told him outright that I did not want to talk about money/gambling with him again and if he started I would end the conversation. And I did for a few weeks, I was strong. He continued to gamble and by all accounts won. I think he has an antenna when my defences are down. He phones and txts when I am at work. Tells me he has lost the works money and the boss is going to the police. He tells me he cant go to jail. I tell him to man up and face his boss. I give him the money to save him from going to jail. He gambles it. I tell him to face his boss, he says he does and is shocked when he is not fired and given a second chance. I bail him out again. It all goes quiet.
Yesterday he’s on the phone again, he’s gambled his wages and the works money again. He doesn’t know why he’s doing it. HE TELLS ME HE THINKS HE HAS A BRAIN TUMOUR. Bells ring loud and clear. I don’t give in this time, he can go to jail. I am done. I have a sleeping tumour and we are waiting for a treatment plan for mouth cancer for my partner and my cg comes out with that!

I know its the addiction talking. It makes me feel sick. He’s a sad human being. He won’t accept professional help. There comes a time when boundaries are crossed and he’s crossed it. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anybody. It’s a cruel disease.

[san250]

Thank you for your kind words, I hear you. xx

Velvet … we shouted at each other, had time to calm down, cried and then I cleared my head. I text him and said I couldn’t do this anymore and do not want to talk about money with him. If he brings it up I will stop the communication. He can always ring me if he wants to talk about anything else. He said, Okay and told me to keep safe and hoped I felt better soon.

I feel I’ve set a boundary and will stick to it if he starts again. It’s all gone quiet for now and my head is quiet again. xx

[san250]

for you kind words and support. My head is all over the place at the moment. He’s started again pleading for money, says his girlfriend has walked out and its all my fault and is going to walk away for good. I’ve told him to stop emotionally blackmailing me. I wanted a peaceful, happy weekend with my partner before we get on the cancer rollercoaster with him. In one phone call and several txts that peace is shattered. I understand the addiction is talking and I know some cg’s get to understand what it does to their family and friends.

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