[sam.sam]

Hi P. I hope you are ok. I havent gone to my post yet, came straight to see how you doing. Now I see that icandothis, and cat written here and have not seen you around, I also got worried. where is my friend? we all know that some time times we need to be alone and take thing slowly. But remember we are with you always.
I miss hearing from you that you are going to refill the coffee and when you talk about the birds singing and your cat.
You see P, I am also trying to get back to my life and thought I am getting more confident not being here every day, 3-4 times in the support group. But honestly, I miss all of you and being with you in the support group with, monique, charles, and harry…I think we are some how connected now and we can not let go without feeling uneasy.
Sorry I wrote too much. Just felt like talking to you as I feel comfortable with you.
You take care and be in touch. All the best
((((((((( P))))))))))

[sam.sam]

Just came to say hello and say that I was thinking about you. How is your cat?
Still running after the fish on the computer screen?
I am also fine and enjoying the good weather these days. Hopefully see you soon in one of the support groups. You take care P.
All the best.

[sam.sam]

I am glad to find you so positive in the early days of recovery. And again you are right about finding a new ways to make yourself busy and at the same time enjoy what you are doing. When gambling we forget about small things that are really enjoy able doing, walking in the park, listening to birds singing, and helping out children or grandchildren to make a work of art. I am so happy that you are looking forward to do that.
All the best April.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,

Thank you for your support. You are right it is very difficult to explain myself to my family. They just like to think that they know better and are the one in control.
The only thing that has still keep me connected to this strangers(who call themselves my family) is My mother. Now I just have to keep away from them and do not waste my energy.
I can not even think about it without feeling angry.
I think the best way for me at the moment is find an excuse and distance from them for time being.
I am not strong at the moment to battle my addiction and at the same time worry about them and what they are thinking or doing. I am not a selfish person but, I have started to actually like myself.
Thanks again, and all the best monique.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique, and thanks for your supporting post.
I am sorry that I have missed so many of your support groups. The reason being was that, first of all my intention was to limit my access to internet, there for less time spend on the net. But at the same time was emotionally under pressure by the negative feelings I had after talking to my sister. I was not talking to her for quite a long time, when she all she was doing was complaining about other family members constantly, and I was myself in the process of giving up gambling. When i told him nicely to forget a bout the past and forgive people for what they have done, she put the phone down and and never contacted me until recently. I can not tell her how angry I feel when she is none stop talking about others, what they have done, what she has done for them….I do not want to reason with her and there for Just listening to her and get angrier and and angrier until she say good bye.
Each time such a thing happens, I know that I would be in danger, but how can I explain to some one like my sister that she is making me, pushing me in to the red area full of dangers.
I know as a recovering CG, I should not let this situation be used as an excuse to destroy what I have done for the last few months. I am working on myself, my behaviours, my reactions, level of anxiety, and how I am dealing with them.
I owe all this Technics and strength to you all in here, and even If I am not here every day, but every day, when in fronted with a difficult situation, I think about you, harry, Charles, and try to remember all you would say to me if you were here. This site, forum, support group is not just on the internet for me but in my blood and in my head, with me, walking me trough the dangers and happy time in life.
If I am not present in your room but I am with you always.
Thanks for every thing, all the best.

[sam.sam]

Hi April,
Sorry I am late in welcoming you to the forum. I have been quite busy working these days.
I am also a recovering CG and have gone trough the same ups and down within the last 4 months, and at the end feel quite confident that by placing barriers, I would be able to continue a quiet and stable life with out gambling.
We all start like a baby, not being able to talk, just listening, and all of a sudden we start talking about what is happening in our mind. To me that is the best part of recovery. By talking about what is in your mind you would, or others in here would discover tiny but important points that might change the way you think and act through recovery process. For me it all started by coming here and writing about things that was bothering me, and I found myself more relax, supported, and stronger. Once I lost control and gambled again, but came back here the next day and talk about that, and it made me stronger than ever.
At last I wanted to say, do not worry what you are writing about, just write any time you feel lonely,angry, happy,frustrated…writing in here help others to advice you when and where is needed.
All the best in your recovery process.

[sam.sam]

Hi April, and welcome to this forum. As you already know this is the reality of our life. Is like we have heart problem and the Dr tell us if you smoke you might not die but you become paralleled.
It is the same with our addiction, it would take all the activities away from our life. Any thing that is dear and important for us, would be taken away from us.
I made a mistake yesterday, and went to a place that did not know there is a betting shop. Today I went there and self excluded myself. I need to go some times and see this friend, and did not want to be worry about that shop.
One day at a time, and also look for any hole in your defence system, money availability, shops on your way to work, or near family and friends.
It is not easy to keep one eye on watch, but it becomes automatic after a while, and you will enjoy that.
I hope to see you in support group soon.
Well done April, and all the best in your recovery process.

[sam.sam]

Today passed with out any gambling. The wolf was walking around me, smelling the fear in the air, seeing the fear in my eyes, and my heart. He got closer he was right, there was an opportunity for him. my knees was shaking like jelly. I had money available and he knew that, he knew that even before it was in my account. I rushed to my friend and gave him the money, and stayed with him. We went out so he can walk his dog in the evening, we passed a shop William hill, betting shop, strangely he asked me if I wanted to play! I thought he was testing me, but when i said no, he gave me the dog and went in, he played while I walk around the shop. I can not say I could not feel any thing. I was feeling I want to go in. I was not ban there. I could go…I left and did not wait for him to come back. My fear was stronger than my willingness to go in. I knew at the back of my mind there is a wolf watching me to make a mistake, I left I went to my friend place in front of his place and waited until he came back. I am not going there again, and if i go never with a penny in my pocket.
I am not cured, I may never find cure from this addiction, but I learn more every day how to chain him. i must keep away from any situation that may end with me in the same situation again.
I know the only thing that I can do is to not trust myself but the tools and ways that i learn inhere to place a long distance between me and opportunity to gamble.
Tonight was dangerous but I was stronger than my addiction.
ONE DAY AT A TIME.

[sam.sam]

Today I s a good day. Before I go out I was thinking about the risk that is around me to day. Last night had bad experience talking to my sister, supportive and very disappointing for me.
I know that this sort of situation might trigger the beast in me, and wake him up. So I am more carefully now and look for signs of the gambling beast tricks trying to make me go back to his word.
Money is our drug, fuel to gambling, with no money there is no chance of gambling.
on Thursday I received some money, over 2 k, and I knew if I do not act fast, Ill will find a way to break all the barriers, travel to another city, and so on, so I decided to spend it on my debt and do support some family members with that.
The question is what happened to the person who used to keep my money, credit cards?
He used my money for himself once so i took the card back from him. he meant to put it back but I couldn’t trust him any more. So I found some one else To keep my card and I can check my account on line.
I have saved this money, at £40 a week over the last one year, main reason to go and see my mother after 20 years of being away.
I came here to support group today as I was confused a little, about my feelings, anger, and frustration. Talked to harry and I think it did help, there for I came here to forum and started writing about it.
If you are angry for any reason, your fault or some one else, come here and start writhing about it, instead of running out with money in your pocket.
Writhing about it will help to give yourself time to think about the situation and not to rush to making a bad decision.
Thanks to this site that brought us together to help one another in difficult time.

[sam.sam]

Hi Harry,
I was offered a weekend job in the hostel I worked before. I took it as I was getting very board at home, and also felt it may help me get out and start becoming more active.
I did the job for 3 days, sat,sun, and Monday. On Tuesday had an appointment with people to come and repair the alarm at home, so had to stay in whole day. I called my employer and told him the problem.
The next day he called and said there is no more job to be done. So no more job for now.
Today he called me again at 11 o’clock asking me to go if I can and do some work so they are able to finish the job(half day work).
I did make some excuse and did not go. I had my own reasons, mainly to show him that I am desperate for work.
With this guy we go a long way back. Even though he was the manager, but I thought him so many things while working with him.
Being 6 month with that company I asked the general manager for increase in my salary, and she told me that, my manager(this guy) has told her that he is still training me after 6 months being on that job.
Any job that I was doing then I used to take a picture before and after the completion of the job. So I show them and after a big argument with him, I left the company. He was too ruthless to feel ashamed of what he said behind my back or accepting the fact that he is only a cowboy builder who hides his imperfection behind me and others who work for the company.
Any ways, years passed and as I never been some one to hate any one, no matter what they do(may be it was my gambling part) I some times got some contract work from this guy, not working under him any more.
The main point of these post is to say that, him telling me there is no more job was actually his way of saying, because you did not come work one day, you have lost the opportunity, and I do not give you the job.
But at the same time with people he has there, and I saw them on the site, he realised today, at 10 o’clock that he can not finish the job, there for calling me asking me to go at 12 noon if I can.
That was the whole story, and a reminder for me that, I am not gambling any more and no one has the right to play games with me any more. I know my abilities and will not let people bully or mistake me as a slave worker.
I am glad with myself and the recovery.
All the best Harry.

[sam.sam]

Today I was disappointed with myself. I could not go to work because I had appointment with some one to come and check the smoke alarm, and completely had forgotten about that.
What lessen can I get from that while in recovery?
If I could check my appointment and plans at the end of each week, then I can place the appointment papers handy, so not only I wont miss them but also not to make any plan for the same day/time.
This way slowly I will train my mind to plan for every single thing in life, knowing what to expect, and not to rush things trough.
Life is becoming simpler and more enjoyable.

[sam.sam]

Hi Sad. Just wanted to say hello and wish you all the strength to go trough what ever comes and feels hard in your recovery.
All I know is that you are stronger than you think. You have done it and you will do it again, this feelings comes and go as you know it.
We all have these episode of low mood some times.
I hope by tomorrow every thing feels better.
Take care P.

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Thanks for your post. I am fine. yesterday was quite a good day. a friend called and we went out for dinner, few hours of good time. Otherwise I would have stayed in bed as usual.
I am missing most of group sessions. t first It made me mad, but now I try to get there but if I missed that i do not let it make me unhappy.
I was reading your post on your page, and am glad to see that you are happy and in progress. You talked about your cat, and i thought about action and reactions, you are becoming happier person and any one, any thing around you becomes happy, your cat, your flowers, the air, the water…
Keep doing what is making you, you, and happy.
All the best P.

[sam.sam]

Hi P. Nice to see that you are doing well. You worked hard and deserve all the good time and things that is coming to your life now.
I am sure one day Ill be there too.

Take care P, and all the best.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique. Thank you very much for your support. I think you are right when you saying I am hiding away. It is time to change to better monique. I have some plans and I will try my best to put them in action.
And yes the best thing I did was to place barriers in place, otherwise I would be in the day one again feeling unworthy of recovery. But now I feel i deserve it and willing to fight for that.
Thank you again for your support,
All the best.

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