[sam.sam]

I was reading in the forum and came to the name of a movie and tried to search it in Google. Strangely I found that Google search took me straight to our recovery journal and I could read all the comments and so on. Is that normal, and it should be like this?
This is what I typed in Google” (“big steve” Was about a person in throes of his compulsive gambling and how he found GA”)

[sam.sam]

Hi Carole. Thank you for your advice. It is great to have friend like you here. I can manage for these two weeks. I am sure I will not die. Some times I feel the demon inside me does not want me to die, he wants me alive so he can use me. But in reality I will survive this week and hopefully I will not make the same mistake. You are right and good to know that perfection is not what I should be looking for now, but progress. I have never looked at it this way. thank you It was very important point. One day at a time. I start again.

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much Harry for being here and your supporting message. Reading your text I already feel better. It is true that I can learn from this mistake and plan the future more carefully. I have to learn to live in today, and for today. This is the problem I am facing. I am either in the past or worrying about future. Worrying what other people think and say. I need to follow your advice Harry. I need to make myself stronger by placing more barriers and finding some one I can trust to help me. I feel like I am talking to you right now, and do not like to end the conversation. But I feel If I do continue, I am just repeating myself. Let me Thank you again for value able advice and care . One day at a time, and I will progress. Sam

[sam.sam]

Thanks Monique. Here is the only place that I feel people understand what I am going through. I have to find some one to help me with my money, and some where to go and fix the way i think, counseling. I guess it should be Game care as i live in London. All I am doing these days is sleeping whole day, and by the time I am awake all the life groups are closed. I have to start to plan it so I can attend these groups. Thank you so much Monique for being here.
Sam

[sam.sam]

Monday Eve, around 5 o’clock, I went to bookies, slot machine. I started again. My own mistake. kept money at home for too long. I paid my gas and electricity and paid towards my rent, didn’t buy any food …just went playing. came home and No matter how much I wanted to write in here I was feeling ashamed of myself and promises I made. So I took my sleeping pills and was in bed until today 5 pm. what a life..the same journey again and in two weeks time, the evil wakes up again, and again.. I am not angry. I am just wondering how come I am scare that I have to go on for two weeks without any money, sleeping all the time so time passes so quickly and in two weeks time starting again and again. I was thinking to safe guard myself again and this time harder, by putting a photo in my pocket and any betting shop I saw get in and fill a form..it makes me sick being out of control. Another Christmas is coming and I feel another year passed with no achievement in life. I am still in the same place with the same thoughts and as weak as last year. I am thinking may be I could use these two weeks without money to use the time I have to plan some thing ahead for the time I get some money in hand. What shall I do differently this time…I am sorry that I could not stay in tune with my recovery. I can not concentrate and I don’t know what to write about. Tomorrow I start my recovery again. One day at a time.

[sam.sam]

I love it. I copied that so I can read it again and again

[sam.sam]

Thank you P.

[sam.sam]

Hi Monique,
Thank you for your support. Yes I think I need to study myself again to learn more about my behaviors. Towards that, as you said I need to be here and write and also counselling. At the moment I am still in my shell safe guarding myself, but I am sure by helps available here I will be all open and ready to change completely. Tank you again.

[sam.sam]

Dear P,
I would go for counseling, as I feel I need that now. I need to empty my thought and not to let this addiction use that against me. I am very angry inside, but never been and never will show that to any one, and that is the problem I have. I must deal with that as soon as I can. tonight i cried after such a long time. It was a release. thank you all for your help. you are great.

[sam.sam]

Thank you Shuller, I have always knew there are things in my past that still harming me. thing that we member of the family never talked about them again for such a long time. there are reasons why my brothers got married so late and did not want to start their own family. now that I am a bit free of gambling thought, these are coming up, at night and early mornings as I wake up. I can feel that whole night been arguing, and some times wake up tearful, not knowing why. I now know that I have to talk about them, so I feel free. Thank You Shuller, I will read the link you left for me.

[sam.sam]

Hi Hesham. Weldon for all the barriers arranged. I am sure you are on the right direction and will be better and better at it every day. If I am not wrong you where saying that you had some thoughts to by-pass the barriers? If it is the case, 2ble check that your barriers are bullet proof. And it is only you who knows where it might be a small hole that your addiction may want you to leave untouched in case of temptation. (do not forget Hesham, In terms of ways to block yourself from the sites and on line gambling I am sure others will tell you all the possible ways to do that. Weldon Hesham. Take it one day at a time.

[sam.sam]

I am still drowning in my childhood times and still have not learned how to swim. I can remember about that time as far back as when I was 3 years old. I remember being walked over at night when I was asleep, and hearing my mother saying to my father ” children are asleep “. I remember my mother with broken, bloody forehead, thanking my father sarcastically for what he has done. I remember Him most of the time coming at night drunk and creating a big mess. He was alcoholic. day time working in an office and after that at 5.00 pm going directly to pubs and start drinking until late. I was growing up suffering from nightmares, sleep walking on the edge of the roof, even opening the door and going in to street. More or less it was the same for me and family until I was 8-9 years old. when I was 12 years old he died of heart failure at home. He was not drinking any more for the last few years of his life. Now my older brother is responsible as the oldest ” man ” in the family. But guess what, he suffered the same situation for too long and as he was older he was more involved in my fathers actions and reactions, drinking, fighting at home, the list goes on…He was now supposed to be the man, 21 years old, working day time and spending evenings chasing girls and dressing up to go to street meeting his friends. Where am I now ? at this time i was his punching bag. For any small bit I did wrong, coming home a bit late, talking to some friends he didn’t like, I was becoming a way of him releasing his anger that he kept for so long inside him. Now I know, even I do not like to admit, but I know he had a deep dark hole in his memory full of hatred and unsatisfactory thought. I was controlled by him until when i was about 14-15 when i got fed up and when he started shutting at me and coming towards me I punch him, and there he was sitting and screaming, not because I had caused him pain but as he realized that I was not a child any more and he has gone for too long . Now thinking about that time, I feel sorry for him. I feel very tired thinking about the past. what a huge book I have reopen and read again. … my life …to be continued. one day at a time. today I did not gamble. tomorrow i find another way to keep busy without thinking about gambling.

[sam.sam]

I should thank all the people in here for their support. It has been two weeks since last time that I gambled. As you all are familiar with the feelings, I was so depress that I would not want to talk to any one or see any one. As I don’t have a job I had all the time to beat myself up for what I had done, day and nights, at the same time, almost knowing (from past experiences) that if the time comes I may do that again. So I decided to come here and feel safe. To learn from others who have beaten this habit and have a better life now. I will not gamble today. That is all I know for now. thank you all again.

[sam.sam]

Hi Charles, Thank you very much for the message. without your help I would not know how to reply to others. take care and I will hopefully see you again in the group.

[sam.sam]

Thank you very much Harry. I am sure having you all here will be a big help for my recovery. I will do as you said and try to come here often and write more about my situation.

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