[salina]

Hi bettie
just checkin in to say hi. I am on day 5 it feels good although some of the emotions have been overwhelming. Anyhow, sunday is a day or two away kind of scary, but ya know self bannin really  makes it a whole lot easier cause its not an option. So I just want to say thinkin bout you and hopin you have considerd the whole self ban thing.
Keep in touch
 this to shall pass

[salina]

Hi kathryn
Just lil ol me saying hi I am still here still gamble free. Have stuggled a little this week and of course sunday is a day or so away so i have to just stay focused and really it wont be that hard. I cannot go in there and frankly I dont want to.
For today.. I just thought I should touch basis as you have been a big part of my strength to finally self ban.
Hope all is well in your world.
Life is interesting isnt it?this to shall pass

[salina]

Well Bettie,
I am not sure where I will go or what I will do now that I have banned. It is scary in many ways but it is more scary for me to think that I could continue. I was getting way to out of control and no matter how hard i tried i could not gamble normally.  I think I just had enough when i realized I played the slots with the house payment This is unacceptable to me and i guess I can say today that that was my bottom. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. That is why I did it. And ya know it wasnt that bad. I mean its only day 1 really and tomorrow I might be sorry for what I have done. I dont care. FOr today, it is a sense of freedom that I havent felt in oh so long. I want to feel this feeling instead of the way I was feeling.
Please be patient with yourself and the dream about bannin it can come true, I am looking forward to hearing you say you did it!this to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Kathryn
Just checkin in. Keep thinkin bout our conversations. I am trying so hard to stay focused. it is tough!
I will be sure and be in chat this weekend, not planning any other wild adventures…just trying to stay in touch with the person I want to be. 
Hope all is well with you talk at ya soonthis to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Kathryn,
Thanks for being there for me last night. I really am quite the mess but after talkin with you and rg i felt quite a bit better. So that is why I know I need to keep coming here as much as I can. It is all I got right now to help me through.
I read your post about your night out with the school mates. Sounded fun, and I really could relate to the feeling like she was staring at you cause she knows your a cg.
That is an uncomfortable feeling.
I will be on chat today in and out all day. Staying home today and trying to just count my blessings and do my chores.
Maybe i’ll see you theressssdddddddddddddddddfgkl.;/[p/  yikes my cat is trying to type  lol talk to ya later kathrynthis to shall pass

[salina]

oh my bettie
i think it would be great if you sat down and told your daughter how lousy that made you feel. Maybe she doesnt understand the full picture.
I can only imagine how that made you feel. But ya know, who cares? You have got to take care of you and not worry about others and how others feel or think about you right now.  It is so important to focus on you!  All the other stuff will be taken care of when you start putting you first. You’ll see and as far as gamblin goes I am learnin so much from your post.
You dont need it bettie you really dont!
hang in there i am here and plan on supporting yathis to shall pass

[salina]

Hi bettie
I got a chance to read your story. I knew I like you from your first post. Now that i kind of know your story i really like you and admire your honesty and tenacity.  You have lost a lot of weight, you realize you are a compulsive person. I know you will conquer this whole cg thing. I mean  you have proven to me, and I really dont know you, that you can do anything you set your mind to.
I am a pe teacher. A health, drug and alcohol prevention coordinator. You keep up that exercising no matter what. Regardless of everything else, your diabetes  and your weight issue are so so important for your overall well being.
I am confident that you have everything it takes to fight this one other compulsive behavior..you are so much stronger that you are giving yourself credit for.
Thanks for all your support, and reminding me that I am not a hypacrit but an inspiration that made me feel good!
maybe i ll see you at group tomorrow bettie be good to yourself you deserve it
 this to shall pass

[salina]

Hi bettie,
Well I just read your post. I have been coming here since Jan 2010. I hate to say it but I woke up on sunday feeling the same way. Again!  I have felt so bad so many times but continue to end up at the casino just one last time. It doesnt work bettie.
This site has really been a great outlet for me. Its my only outlet as I have not yet shared my "secret" to anyone. Not even my husband of 30 years.  I know from all the support and helpline that it is so important to tell the truth. Not just about the cg problem but all the lies that go with it. I will get to that point I am just taking a while to come to terms with just telling myself. 
It is great that you have realized you need some help. This is a GREAT place to come, share, vent, and unload all those scary hopeless feelings that go with the gamblin binge.
My story is long as I am sure yours is to, but the bottom line is we both have a problem. A problem that can only be fixed by going through all the GA steps and that includes admitting we have a problem. For some of us it takes longer than others and everyones bottom is different. Bankruptcy, foreclosure, loss of jobs, friends, and most of all our dignity seems to be shared by all. So when I start thinkin I am not like everyone here, I am different, I remember how my life has spun out of control like everyone else here, and it isnt coincidence. It is the consequences of being a cg.
I hope you keep comin back and share. There are so many great people here to help us through this. It really is a great start for you so dont give up, dont beat yourself up any longer.   I have learned that I should not think about what I have done but what I am going to do to move on and stop the madness.
Wishing you were dead is a scary thought. It freaks me out that I have gone there in my head more than once. Just remember that those same strong feelings are tellin you to make a change. Not next year or next month or even next week. Just for today bettie. Start today! 
Best wishes.. my thoughts are definately with you and always keep my grandmothers words in your mind..
"This too shall pass"this to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Larry,
I understand you are going to be gone. Going to New Orleans? wow that sounds like fun. we will miss your posts here and your positive outlook drop us a line and let us know how things are.
As for me, I am hanging in there today is sunday and i am not going anywhere!
I will try to make group this week. Look forward to hearing how your trip goes.this to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Kathryn,
Salina here. 8 Months!!! Yahoo wow and all that good stuff. I am wondering how you have gotten this far and wish someday I will be posting about my 8 month mark.
I hope you take yourself out and do something really special as you so so derserve.  Maybe I will talk at ya in group this week.  I am doing better and am staying positive with all your help and others here.
Keep up the great attitude you know it is contagious!this to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Larry,
Salina here.  I just read your post. I am impressed that you have made it 6 months. I enjoyed how you broke it down for us so we could see how each month brought you to where you are today. Thanks for sharing as it does help knowing that a day will turn into 2 days and then eventually a month or six.  It is definusy atley encouraging.
It is friday night late..I just got home from a very long day and night. Work then held a fundraisier for the music program, a busy night with bingo, food and cake auction. I was in charge of this whole thing and busted my ass so the music program at the elementary school will be able to continue.  We made over $1000 dollars this evening. And I am responsible for that happening.. It feels good to know that I did this and more importantly how hard I have worked this last few weeks to make it happen. It seems like so much money to me but if I was sitting in front of a slot machine, well it wouldnt be enough!
I have the next 10 days off and sunday is in 2 days.  As of now, I dont feel like gamblin Im actually to tired to do anything but sunday is a day or two away…
thanks for your post i will try to make group in the next couple of days
Pat yourself on the back and please keep us posted it is an ispiration for us allthis to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Kathryn,
just thought Ide pop in and say hi and nice chattin at group the other day. I am feeling somewhat better and will be here posting throughout the weekend.
Couldnt sleep so I have been on here since 4 am. It feels good to have this place to go to and knowin that your all out there.. It is the weekend and as you probably know this is the hardest time for me as far as gamblin goes.
No big plans on how I am not going to gamble I am just going to take it one day at a time.
Have a great daythis to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Kathryn!
I am back, not sure exactly where my head has been at but I have come to the conclusion that i need to be here. I am thankful and grateful for all of you and your support. It was lookin pretty grim for me these last few days, I think I am back on track thank goodness I am a  quick learner.  I have not gambled since I had my meltdown on Friday and dont plan on any time soon.  I am hoping for this coming up weekend to remember my grief and my debt to keep me away this weekend.  I have taken all checks out of my purse and all cards. The only card I have left is the joint account which my husband is on and for some reason when I am out of control at the casino I know better than to use that card. He would find out and I am afraid to go there so I have restained from using that card.
It is intersting to me to know that I can do that, when all other options have no value or consequences in my mind once i am gamblin. so anyhow, nothin in my purse plans to self exclude and keep comin here.
So I am back. Thank God! That was so scary   you know tha way I was feeling … I think you all have saved my lifethis to shall pass

[salina]

Originally posted by kathryn

Hi All,
I am emotionally exhausted at the moment.  My counsellor is making me think, long and hard about myself and i have found it to be extremely draining (RG, you are spot on) I am a person full of emotion, they run my life and i am finding that im so tired, drained and flat that any kind of emotion only makes me worse. (I hope that makes sense)
I almost feel that it has all been drained out of my body, and i am going through the motions everyday, just living.  I dont like this feeling, im always happy go lucky (well, not really lucky but you know what i mean) but after talking to Harry last night (love ya H) today i am just going to accept this feeling for what it is and go with it. I am off to Melbourne with my sister, she is so excited and im really ho-hum.  I know ill be right when i get there, but that to me shows how flat i really am.  I am usually bursting with excitement, as i never really go anywhere.
I dont remember being this tired, and yet im not sleeping well at all.  I know this is going to pass, Im constantly lost for words on this forum (not like me either) so i guess you will all have to put up with a bit of a downer me for a while until i get through it.  Not gambling, really, was the easy part, i was ready, joyful in fact.  Self exclusion was like a natural thing for me to do and i embraced it with open arms, be it a scary thing, i felt totally free walking out with those papers in my hand. Every day since i know it was the best thing i have ever done in my life, i have never regretted it for a single second, or wished i hadnt done it.
This part, the ‘me’ part is a lot harder.  I have always been an ignorer, i let things wash over me and now its time to dig deep and for once in my life, concentrate on myself.  Its bloody difficult.  Im finding it totally draining, my energy is gone, i cant do anything, and at the same time it frustrates me to no end. I know that counselling is going to make me a better person, for want of a better word.  Understanding myself is something i need to do, for me and if this is part of it, well, im embracing that too.  Im just so happy i have all of you to talk to, i couldnt cope if i had to hold these thoughts in my head, with all the rest swilling around!
I really need to go and pack, normally i would have been ready 3 days ago, so i need to get my bum off this chair and get organised!
Have a great weekend everyone, take care,
Kathryn xx
Sometimes you have to step outside of the person you’ve been, and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be, the person you are.
   Hi Kathryn,
All I can think of while I am reading your post is your not gamblin.  I mean it is sad that you are feeing tired drained and emotionally exhausted. But for some reason I think this is part of your recovery. But then again how would I know as I cannot make it one lousy weekend. I havent had a chance to feel those feelings of recovery. 
You said self exclusion was  a natural thing for you t do and and that you embraced it with open arms. Your feeling of being free as you walkes out of the casino with your papers makes me want that so bad. I cant do it!! I went again today and blew it. I do not want to elaborate as I am totally disgusted and want someone to stop me. I know I have to do it but i need some help. I need someone to o with me to the casino. I thought I had a plan with one of the GA  members I met at the one meeting I went to.  Anyhow I dont have it in me to even seek out on here today. I dont know what to say and obviously, I havent  learned a damn thing. Except that I am very very sick and  need help!!!
best  to you on your weekend outthis to shall pass

[salina]

Hi Kathryn, Salina here.
I just wanted to respond to your post about my name.  Im sorry its taken me so long.. Anyhow, I somehow got something out of your story about your little girls doll. I think I felt that maybe I am or was beautiful at one time. Before I became so ugly with this disease.    I am glad that when you see my name it gives you a memory that sounds like is a happy memory..
I want to be someone other than who I am.  I do not like who this new person is.,I want to be beautiful again and happy..  I cant make it one weekend without going.. All my wants and desires go out the windown when i am driven to gamble.  My husband was talkin 90 miles an hour before he left for work tonight. I was sharing with him that one of my sons has chosen his major to be in the medical field. He is in the army and got a green to gold scholarship for a very outstanding university here in calif. So he will not have to be deployed for awhile and his has chosen to try to become a doctor!!  can you believe that?? I am so so excited   any how  I was telling my husband and he says ooh there is a great dr on tv. Dr deary or something like that… and this doctor says if you want to do something or be something in your life you need to vision it.. You need to see yourself doing it and you will do it..  Well all I could think about at the time was gamble free..  It is so true. if we picture in our minds that we have a differnt life I think it will come true
I am so hoping t hat I can vision myself happy, not gamblin, and living a productive life without stress and worry. 
Anyhow I am ramblin  as soon as I can get out of "ME" for a minute I will ask how you and others are doing.  For now, I cant think about anything except my disgusting self… eventually you all will see that I really care about others and hope I dont come across as being all about me.   Thats another thing, I was never like this before. I would never talk just about me. I only cared about everyone else. This is NOT ME!  Help I am locked inside this disease!!this to shall pass

[Author]

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