[Rupture]

Hi all,

I’ve reached a new low today. After a few months of everything seemingly being okay, I found out today by going through his messages that he has been gambling for months, with thousands of euros.

Months of lying to my face again. I shouldn’t be surprised but still it hits me in the face each time. He was talking to a ‘friend’ in these messages. He was always saying to me, during these months of me thinking he wasn’t actively gambling, how his ‘friend’ is a low-life, lives for gambling, how he’s glad he’s not like that anymore, how he feels sorry for him. Meanwhile, it turns out he has been going to casinos all this time with this guy. Boasting about their wins to each other. Encouraging each other to go to the casino. I’m honestly disgusted by what I saw.

I guess things didn’t get better. He just got even better at lying than he already was.

I set the bar so low for him, but even then he manages to disappoint me.

Hope everyone here is hanging in there!

[Rupture]

Thank you for asking! Our relationship has been getting better, more or less. Since I’ve started therapy I’ve been really working on myself and putting myself first after years of ‘taking care’ of him. I also worked on not getting bothered (I should rephrase really – not showing him I was bothered) if he stays out late or during prolonged hours of silence. A consequence of this has been that he was a lot more honest and upfront with me. Maybe his guilt was kicking in?

I’m unfortunately experiencing a set-back in this new found attitude. I’m having issues with trusting him. I’m not able to at all and it’s showing in my behaviour towards him. I’m not able to restrain my anxiety as much as I’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks. He’s acting shady and I’m letting it affect me again.

I’m so frustrated with the endless cycle. He can never restrain himself more than a couple of weeks, two months tops. Those weeks, months are just bliss. But I find myself waiting for the relapse each time during those times. I guess it’s my way of protecting myself, but I’m also afraid it has some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy effect. It’s also why I’m hesitant on updating my posts when everything is going great. Too afraid that if I write it down, I will jinx it.

For him, it’s just normal to go out after work and not let me know anything. I’ve noticed that I’ve accepted this as normal behaviour, even though it’s not. He also doesn’t feel the need to be honest with me when I ask him the next day where he was and what he was doing. He doesn’t think I need to know everything. Those are his literal words. Then gets angry when I tell him that I think he’s gambling again.

At 28, after a serious, long-term relationship of 3,5 years, I’m just finding myself thinking this is not something I’m able to accept any longer. Regardless if he’s gambling during this time or just out with friends, it does not help me build the trust back he has taken away from me so often already. I’m not sure yet what I’m going to do with this realization. Ultimatums do not work on him. I’ve communicated endless times to him that this is something that bothers me. But he keeps doing it anyway.

A lot to think about for me. Any advice you can give me is very much appreciated..

[Rupture]

Your story hit close to home. I see a lot of similarities with my boyfriend.

He is trying to manipulate you by saying he is staying home this weekend. The only reason he is angry is because you’re not giving in to his demands.

Put yourself and your own well being first. If you can’t take the harassments then I would suggest to tell him to change the deposit of his salary to his own account. I’ve done this with my CG. I couldn’t handle the manipulations any longer and it was taking a toll on my own health. He handles his own money now as I don’t want to have anything to do with it anymore.

I commend you for standing your ground this long. Stay strong and now that you’re not alone in this.

Best,
Rupture

[Rupture]

It was great getting to talk to you in group the other day. It really eased my mind while ‘waiting’ on him to get home.

Last night at 5am, I’ve sworn off ever lying awake again because of him. Wondering where he is, worrying, panicking. Why should I waste my energy on this when he doesn’t think twice about me? In moments like these, it’s hard to keep in mind that they care about you somewhere deep down.

I’m going to try and have a good time and not let this affect me any more than it already has thus far. I’d rather stay home all weekend and sleep but I know that’s not going to do me any good.

I hope you have a great weekend Velvet and thanks for the advice, I’m learning a lot.

Best,
R

[Rupture]

Thank you, most of the time I know I’m not to blame and I’m not crazy, but it’s good to have someone remind me of this sometimes.

You are absolutely right about not reading his posts on the forum. I never thought about it this way.

Your replies are a real eye opener to me. I always thought that I educated myself on compulsive gambling, but through your replies I’m realizing that I still don’t know half of it. I’m still responding to him based on emotion rather than looking at it from a rational perspective.

I will try to join the group tomorrow evening, so hope to speak to you soon!

Best,

Rupture

[Rupture]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. A lot has happened since my last post, and I regret not having read your reply earlier.

He came back, apologized, and we talked. He lost a lot of money but earned it back by playing poker. He was feeling pretty good about that and the usual depression that engulfed him after having gambled wasn’t there. I knew what that meant. Not having ‘lost’ anything means he will soon be back at it again. I opened up to him since a very long time and told him that I’m struggling mentally and that the past few years have caught up on me and that I was seeking help for myself. He said he understood and things were okay for a week.

After this he relapsed again and the usual cycle of ignoring me for days at an end started again. During this time, I had a car accident and tried to contact him, telling him what happened, but he never responded to this. Needless to say, that stung. I didn’t try to contact him after this.

I heard back from him after 10 days. He didn’t message or call me. I was checking the message boards that he used to write on because I was looking for any sign of life and there was a new post from him. Explaining how he had relapsed, that he had neglected everyone around him again, he was feeling depressed and on top of that he wasn’t in a relationship anymore. Imagine after three years of standing by someone’s side, you get dumped through a message board.

I got a hold of him after that via text and he blamed me for the relationship not being fun anymore. That I made everything about gambling. That the last few times he gambled weren’t even that bad because he didn’t lose any money and that he didn’t even feel depressed after this. That we had been in a rut for months now, and that he regrets ever telling me about his gambling.

It isn’t the first time that he has ended the relationship after he had gambled. In the past I would run after him, asking him to come back, that we would figure everything out. But this time, I don’t know. I’m just so hurt and confused. On the one hand, he is completely disregarding and invalidating my feelings. On the other hand, he is making me doubt myself, question myself. Maybe I did overreact with regards to his gambling? Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything?

Why do I even wish he would come back to me? Why would anyone want to endure this endless cycle? It’s as if he is addicted to gambling and I became addicted to him, co-dependent..

We haven’t talked since Tuesday. He has me blocked on everything. I don’t even know anymore what aspects of his actions can be attributed to gambling, and what aspects can be attributed to his personality. I can’t differentiate between the two anymore. Sometimes I feel as if he has stopped developing mentally when he started gambling because he still acts like a 18 year old a lot of the time. Is that bad to say?

I’ve had my intake with the psychologist the other day, after all this happened. It was nice to pour my heart out because I’ve been keeping it in for so long. However, she concluded at the end of the session that I wanted help to end all this and get rid of him. I kind of felt she put words in my mouth and that this wasn’t what I was implying. I’m now scared that even she won’t understand the impact that this has had on my life, and all these feelings that I’m still left with, even though he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

You would think I would feel relieved that he has made this decision for me. But I’m not, and I’m still left with all the emotions that I’ve felt when we were together, on top of the heartbreak.

I would like to join the F&F group, although I hope I can stay awake as it starts at 2300h for me.

I’m sorry for all the rambling. I’m all over the place at the moment.

Thank you for reading.

Best,

Rupture

[Rupture]

Hi Sunny,

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. 

In this instance, he took 6k with him which is in line with his usual spending when he goes to the casino. He also plays online. I woke up to three e-mails from a gambling website, saying that someone used the wrong username/password combination and blocked the account. This would be his account, that he signed over to me on time when he stopped gambling for a while. 

He told me it was because he was bored and wanted to play poker. I’ve told him that it’s still considered gambling and he agreed. 

Thank you for your suggestions on what to say. I feel like I can’t talk to him right now. It seems like he’s still in his gambling spiral. It just goes in one ear and out the other. It makes me so sad and upset because he was doing so well. We were doing so well. I really thought that this time he was serious about quitting. I’m waiting to have a talk with him once he seems like himself again.

I’ve received my referral to go see a psychologist today. I can’t control him and what he does, but I refuse to go down with him. 

I hope you don’t mind me asking and feel free not to answer if you’re not comfortable, but what are triggers for you to start gambling again after abstaining for such long periods of time? 

I wish you all the best! 

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