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Xx

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Thanks V, it’s difficult during the day in work but I might try tomorrow.
I’ve decided, after lot of lost sleep & tears that I just have to say No 🙁 the amount of loan request increase & no real commitment to admit. I hope to do it in person which will be tough. Might not get into meet on Thursday as my daughters 18th.
Thanks
Red

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Sorry for being late and then hogging 🙂

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I would think there is something in that, but I also believe it is a learned behaviour that sometimes gets out of control. I’ve learned from this site that it can be stopped so there is hope 🙂

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Bult you will find help and support on this site and it will make it possible for YOU to undertand and equip yourself with the tools to protect yourself and your son from this addict.

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Hi Chamomile,
I think there have been a lot of technical issues with the site tonight as I think I finally got into group but my comments did not come up and Velvet the Host seemed to log out – never happens during the group.
I hope you try again, it is a really great supportive place without judgement in any way.
Let me know if you saw any of my comments.
Take care of YOU – the most important person in the CG world.
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Pointers?

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Hi Lost (no longer),
I came upon your story by chance and was shocked when reading it as it felt like a mirror of my own 18 yrs of Marriage and subsequent separation – long drawn out in court.
I’m also no longer speaking to my Ex or his large enabling family who added to my pain by trying to keep my daughter from me during a period while she was dealing with anger issues towards me for putting her Dad “Out”.
The only piece of advice I would like to add is to be truthful with your Son and try to explain to him about Gamling.
I did not do this with my children so it allowed others to blame me for the marriage breakdown. I did for a period during grief of breakdown do some drinking – enabling them to tell my kids I was an acoholic. I have spoken and apologiesed to my kids for this period and behaviour.
I wish you and your Son well and I hope you are able to protect him with the truth about the CG as it is a learned behaviour.
Love and light 🙂

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Hi Vera,
Thank you for your post. Behaviour of course can be influenced by those around us and the situations. However the choice of how to handle or react is our choice alone. In the past I have too have not always reacted as well as I would have liked in hindsight Tyring to help and protect everyone except myself.
Saying no, that behaviour is not acceptable is the first step in no longer being an enabler.
I have learned from the F&F cycle to expect the anger my Son is showing as it is not him but the Gambler (addiction) who is being challenged.
Unfortunately behaviour is learned and after a long time of watching his mother being treated poorly and accepting it from my CG ex it comes as a bit of a shock to all when you find the strength to say ENOUGH…..
bullies use the classic “divide and conquer” method to isolate family members, turning one against the other, and will always have a scapegoat. This is so true and why it is so important to speak out and not keep things a secret.
I hope your son (and mine) realise and admit what they have done wrong.
Gamanon was something I tried when dealing with my ex, but I do find this site very helpful.
Best of luck with controlling your CG and well done on getting it under control.

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Hi Velvet,
I met my Son and his Girlfriend in the Coffee Shop. It was a difficult Cuppa as he is very angry at me for ruining his life. I have done this by telling people lies about him having financial & Medical problems, particularly his Grandparents as they are 70 yrs old.
He did admit that he has done a bit of gamling, but having not placed a bet in 3 weeks (incorrect but I didn’t argue the timeframe) he does not have a problem. I congratulated him on this and said I was very happy he had been able to stop for now. He stated (repeatedly) that he did not owe anybody money and showed me his bank balance with €1.023 in it as he had just been paid his wages. I showed hm letters from college and medical which were debts and medical Apts.
The rest of the college savings had been spent on a trip to Paris in Feb for him & his GF. No sign of the remaining balance of €2K because I can’t do maths.
He kept calling me Mad, and when I asked his GF if she thought I was mad she said no, to which he claimed was because I intimidated her, again she denied this. She was unable to anser if she thought he had a gambling problem. The other things that he threw out were intended to hurt (and did): Dad is easier to talk to, You push people away, You won’t listen to me, Your selfish and a need Drama!
The chat ended by him telling me I would realise in 2 months time how wrong I was. I left saying I hoped there would be a realisation on his part.
He came around to the house and got some of his clothes and the tears flowed from me.
Again stating that it was all my fault and that he would not be alive were it not for his GF.
I agreed that I was to blame for his anger right now at others knowing he was gambling but not to blame for his gambling this problem was in his life because he chose to do it.
He went straight to see my Mum (76) who lives alone & has altzheimers to tell her he was unale to stay at home as I was spreading lies about him. She was very upset & confused.
I continue to tell him I love him by text (every night) with a simple reply from him of “Night” a small word which is much appreciated 🙂

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Hi Velvet,
Just an update as I had a text message from my Son, looking to come home to collect some stuff.
After my initial delight I suggested with meet in our local coffee shop for a quick chat before he came to the house. He refused saying there was nothing to talk about. I explained that we need to have a chat before he could come home and he got quite angry – it’s my stuff, it’s illegal for you to keep it etc.
We are are a stalemate now. I’m worried that he is going to arrive angry and have thought of asking a neighbour to be here when he arrives or just let him come in, take what he needs and leave again? Any suggestions?
Also contacted my ex Mother in Law to try and meet and advise her of the situation. That was a NO as she stated she would speak to her CG Son.
Feeling exhausted.

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Hi Velvet,
The link seemed to collapse?

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Hi Velvet
Thank you for your kind words which happened to coincide with the same words from a work colleague.
Unfortunately it did not stop the tears from flowing yesterday as they have done since Friday. However today is a new day and I’m hoping not to cry.
I’m very lucky to have wonderful support from my Sister (albeit from a distance) the only thing missing is a physical hug 🙂
Of course I like the gambler, I need someone to blame – other than my beautiful Son, so God is taking the rap. Wondering why? Again? But in stronger moments I realise there are people with bigger crosses to bare, loosing their children to other more devastating illnesses. At least there is a cure for my Son, if he wants to take it.
I’ve heard nothing from my Son since and am trying not to text him even to say Goodnight I Love you, which I miss.
Thanks again.

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I’ve gotten a lot of information from the site and especially the F&F stories.
At this point I think I have to look after myself and wait till he is ready as forcing the problem is only causing a wedge between us which is more painful than the problem.
I’ve advised (tried to) those within the families and that is really as much as I can do at this point.
I LOVE my Son dearly but cannot continue to be abused (verbally) by the Gambler.
Thanks again for your messages.

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