[Rdy4Chng]

Yes g free today. Day 5. My pain is still there but I am focusing on my future rather than my past. One day at a time.

I had urges today but overcame them. I posted on my thread.

[Rdy4Chng]

As a side note, I wrote the word “chance” in the above paragraph and it immediately struck me.

I wrote “there is a chance I would lose the money.” Well of course there is. When we are thinking about gambling though, we don’t think like that. We think, there is a chance I will win. Then it made me think, I know this isn’t rational but I think in my brain somewhere I’ve kind of imagined the odds to be 50/50 chance I will win or lose. You know, *I’m a good gambler* (very sarcastic here).. I think I always figured I could beat the system. I really thought I was going to win big. Big enough to put back what I took. But that’s crazy.

The odds are more like 100% you will lose. Or at least 99.99% you will lose. The odds are not in our favour I guess is all I’m saying. The house always wins. There is always a CHANCE we will win but there is a much better chance we will lose. And not just lose our money but lose our money and our lives and our family and our self worth and we could even lose our minds. This is a really tough addiction and one that so many people have yet so few people can see. 

It is an addiction that is as Vera put it, a SECRET. We live inside our heads. We gamble in secrey. That’s tough for someone to carry around with them. 

I guess I’m just rambling now but I think we all have a better chance if we stay g free.

[Rdy4Chng]

Today was a tough day… but I made it through it.
I went out and very easily could have went to the casino. I drove right past it on my way home. I did take all of my cards out of my wallet and I only had about $30 on me but then my relative gave me $80 for helping today.

As I was with her, I was thinking about going. I definitely was. Thinking how I could get away with going. Thinking how I could turn $130 into $1130. As I drove home I thought, NO. Why? Why would you go in with this money? Chances are you will lose it all in about 30 mins. Then what? You have no cards. So what you go home with nothing? I don’t know I hope I would have done the same if I had had a larger sum on me, but as I drove home, right past the casino, I got into the lane FURTHEST from the off ramp. I did not want to “auto-pilot” my way into the off ramp and go to the casino. SO I get in the farthest lane and of course there is traffic RIGHT at the off ramp. Ugh. I am not looking over at the sign. I am just thinking of why I don’t want to be in there… but I can nearly smell the casino from here.

Finally, we are moving again and I drive right past. And once I get past it, I feel a lot better. I feel like I can breath. I feel like the urge is gone. It wasn’t much, it’s only day 5, I’m trying to put up barriers, but gotta say it felt pretty good.

I have an appt on Friday to set aside the rest of the money in a more safe account.

Hope everyone had a good g free day today.
Take care,

[Rdy4Chng]

You are totally right, it was always a SECRET PLAN. 

That was what made it so easy. I could lie and no one would know where I was.

Today I took all my cards out of my wallet before I left the house and told my husband I would be home at a certain time. I actually ended up stopping in to see my sister before I came home and he did msg me to find out where I was. It felt good to be able to tell the truth and say, I’m here. I even took a picture. Before I couldn’t do that because I would liekly be somewhere I shouldn’t have been.

Never though of mailing my cards to myself. Great idea!

[Rdy4Chng]

You can do it! Focus on good positive things in your life and stop reliving the past. You can’t change it.
Even if you had moved to a different table or bet more or less or whatever, doesn’t mean the outcome wouldn’t have been the same. Focus on today. Forget the past.

[Rdy4Chng]

Today has been a good day. Kept myself busy with running errands. This time when I left the house though, I told my husband how long I was going to be.

In the past, I would think of a random task I needed to do and then go gamble before doing it and sometimes after doing it and just tell my husband some lie about why it took me so long when in reality I was gambling the whole time.

Today I had to go into the next town to do something and there is a casino very close to there. Normally that would have triggered me to go but not today! It felt good to do my errand and then come home. It actually gave me time to go and visit with my niece. She is only 10 months old and cute as a button!

I have definitely had thoughts of gambling today. Of going to the casino tomorrow when I visit my relative. I am trying to fight them head-on today so I don’t slip tomorrow. I even thought to myself, well what if you went in with only $50?? See how our minds work?

Such an awful thing. I think I will have to take all my cards out of my wallet tonight so I am not tempted to go and max everything out tomorrow. I know maybe I shouldn’t go but my family really counts on me and I need to be there for them. My husband will be expecting me home at a specific time tomorrow so that will help me get through it as well.

I might take a different route home. I guess anything to fight the demons because even as I write about not going, it is making me want to go..

Having a few days under your belt to better “see through the fog” as someone put it definitely helps. I hope my clarity will last.

Thanks for reading, keep on fighting.

[Rdy4Chng]

I have a business at home too which i why I also have lots of free time.

We need to start focusing on what makes us happy. Having hobbies. Doing creative things. Building. Cooking. Whatever. Have to try to install joy into our day and know that even though we think gambling brings us joy, we are tricking ourselves and it really does not.

Maybe you can focus more energy into your business? Get a few customers, make a bit more money to pay off the debt? Our time has to be better spent than gambling.

I hope today was ok for you. Try not to dwell on the negative thoughts. Today was a new day, tomorrow is a new day, every day we get another chance to set it right. I’m on day 4, going to do a new journal in a moment.

Maybe try writing some stuff down too. Get your feelings out. It has been helping for me. Take care and thanks for chatting with me. It is helping me.

[Rdy4Chng]

I have felt sick over my losses too. I have felt like throwing up. I have felt like giving up altogether, but I know that is a corwards way out and I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone anymore than I may already have. 

In the past few days I have really been coming to terms with the fact the money is gone. If I accept it is gone, then there is nothing there to chase. 

My triggers are bordem and having too much cash on me so I am trying to fill my time with constructive things and limiting the amount of cash I have on me. I too have used my line of credit, credit cards, etc. but I am sure less tempted if I don’t have any cash to start with. 

It sounds silly but I don’t want to gamble unless I have minimum $2000 to go with because I want to win big, so you need to bet big. That’s why I am in the hole I am in. 

My story might be a bit different because I still have some money left but the pain I have felt from it is the same. The stupid things I have done in order to gamble ar the same. I’ve lied with a straight face many times. Stolen from people I love.

I know I am better than this. I can do better. I want better for myself. Those are the reasons I am working on my recovery now. I think we have to find our reasons. 

Take care today. We all make mistakes. It’s not over yet. PLEASE don’t gamble today and I will promise you I won’t either. 

[Rdy4Chng]

Fight those urges! Winning that much money back is a long shot. You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning!

Think about what you could do otherwise to make money. I took a random cash job for this weekend so I could make extra money. It is more of a guarantee than going to the casino! It is not in my line of work at all but I figure I have to start working towards having some money in the bank again. 

It will be very redeeming and rewarding if we can climb out of our debt holes on our own. We have made it this far and we are still here so might as well fight for it. 

I am not in any GA or anything yet. I am going to see if I can do it on my own (with help from all of you here as well), but one thing I did read on here which has helped so far is:

DELAY – the urge won’t last forever. Delay until the craving passes

DISTRACT – fill time with a more rewarding/fulfilling activity

DECIDE – you do not gamble anymore. Remind yourself WHY you DECIDED to stop gambling.

Hope this helps. Please do not go to the casino today. Tell yourself, I won’t go today. I won’t gamble today. I won’t gamble for the next hour, next minute, whatever you need to say. Going to the casino will not help you, this I can promise.

[Rdy4Chng]

And hey you can be thankful people care enough to read your posts.. Nobody is responding to mine. =(

[Rdy4Chng]

I think calculating how long it will take to “get out of this hole” is actually working against you.
If you STOP gambling and start paying off your debt, eventually it will be gone. Even if it takes 2 years rather than 6 months, isn’t that better than never being out of debt? Gambling is not the answer. No matter how clever we think we are, we cannot beat the system.
Wake up tomorrow and try to find something to be grateful for. I think gratitude plays a big role in recovery.
I read a great quote once that said, “sometimes you just have to lay on the ground.” Sounds silly but laying on the ground, accepting ALL the weight of your mistakes, have a cry about it and get back up with new enthusiasm..
I wish you well, these are just my opinions.

[Rdy4Chng]

Today is day 3. I’ve been here lots of times before so this is not that impressive to me. I actually haven’t gambled on the weekends in over a month. Generally my husband is home and that is the biggest block for me as if I go out, he will ask where I’m going. When he is not here, I can just go without anyone knowing.

I’ve been reading through a lot of journals on here and the story is always the same. Doing good, doing good, being positive, etc. and then like we are different people completely, we relapse and go and gamble thousands of dollars away. It’s crazy to me that that is what we do. I’ve done it. I’ve read of others doing it. We know we shouldn’t. We are smart, “somewhat” rational people. But then something inside changes and it’s like – I don’t even care about the consequences. But we do care when we lose it all, don’t we. Or even if we win, then we think, “great, I’ll just go back everyday this week and win every time!” like it is a choice we have any control over. If we could win every time then we wouldn’t be here, struggling with debt, struggling with lies and deceit, and struggling with our self worth.

It’s this loss of control that I find the most strange. I read someone write “I would drive across town to save $2 but not think twice about feeding a machine $1000’s” (I forget who wrote it) but isn’t it true? It’s true for me. I’d like to figure out why I can’t remain that cost conscious person, that rational person, that person who KNOWS I shouldn’t gamble. I’d like to figure out why (or how) my mind can change into this irrational, foolish, forgetful, demon on so many occasions.

This week will be good for me as my husband is home but I have already been thinking about the casino and how I could get there or when. I visit with a relative every few weeks and she lives right near a casino. One where I’ve left with over $10,000 once (I owed a bunch of debt so it was good I won that but I have none of that left to show for anything).. I am going to see her this week. It will be a huge challenge for me to go there and NOT stop at the casino afterwards. I’m going on Wednesday. I don’t want to go to the casino. I don’t want to lose. And I don’t gamble anymore so a casino is a silly place for me to go.

It is a holiday weekend here so I have not been able to put the money away into a safe account. I am going to call tomorrow to setup an appt. In the meantime I am trying to stay busy and keep my thoughts positive and not think about the losses. The money is gone. Can’t get it back. I can work really hard to save as much money as I can so I can feel successful and not weighed down by the losses. That is surely a hard thing too, accepting the losses.

If I had a time machine my life could be fixed. But I don’t. So other than work hard and save as much as I can, there is no option to get the money back.

Lots on my mind these past few days. It feels good to get these thoughts out. I don’t know if anyone is reading this, but it’s helping me all the same. If you are reading this, thanks, and also know I am here for you as much as I hope you are here for me.

Day 3 – not complete but going good so far.

Stay Strong folks.

[Rdy4Chng]

* Staying busy is certainly key

[Rdy4Chng]

Staying busy is certain key.

[Rdy4Chng]

I feel this so much. I don’t know much about recovery as I am just starting but I have been in the situation where I thought I was doing good and then my auto pilot personality comes in and I head to the casino to lose 3k or so. I understand. Good for you for at least being honest in here. No shame on a new day 1,at least you have a day 1. Some people will never admit that. Stay strong.

[Author]

Posts