[Rdy4Chng]

Today I had a really rough day. I have a court matter I have been dealing with for almost 2 years and today I thought was going to be the last day. Things did not go as planned and there are now more hurdles we need to go through and more waiting I need to do. This has been part of my stress and part of what has led me to gamble. I was so hopeful it would be done today and having it be postponed has really got me down.
Here’s hoping I can hold it together in the meantime.

[Rdy4Chng]

Thank you for responding. I am trying to understand what you mean by the car crash analogy. So I hit my “preverbial” car into him somehow? We don’t share finances at all and I have never missed making any bill payments. Aside from the fact he doesn’t like me gambling, I’m not sure how I’ve “crashed” into him. 
I’m not trying to argue or disagree but I am just trying to understand what you are saying. 

And as far as me sounding easy going about it, I’m not. Maybe it sounds that way but I stress over this every minute of every day. As I said, it’s KILLING me inside.

But I do thank you for responding. It is good to hear from others who are going through this or who have been in the same situation.

[Rdy4Chng]

Day 1 again. I’ve had so many day 1’s it barely means anything anymore. I am having such a hard time kicking this thing.
I will be good for a few days then right back at it again, over and over again. My life is slipping away between my fingers it seems.
I know I need to self ban and I know I need to give my finances to someone else but I am too scared to do it. Although now I am scared I will lose everything if I dont.
I told my husband I had not stopped gambling and he lost his mind. He doesn’t even know the full extent of it. I’m scared to tell him. I don’t want to lose him.
Is this my battle to fight or do I make it his problem too?

I’ve said this so many times but I really REALLY want to stop. Its slowly killing me inside.

[Rdy4Chng]

Just remembered I was in a bad car accident 16 years ago, so there was another month spent in a hospital!

Also just a sidenote after writing all of this, you are 100% right, these experiences make us stronger. Everything we go through makes us who we are. Here is a quote from my favourite band (and I should really take my own advice sometimes!)

Life for you, has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We’ve all been sorry, we’ve all been hurt
But how we survive, is what makes us who we are

[Rdy4Chng]

I will be thinking about you and your family on Monday and praying for your Dad. I understand this so well. I’ve spent my fair share of time in hospitals. My Dad had cancer 11 years ago, then my Mom just 2 years ago. My niece was born with a defect and had to undergo surgery at just 40 hours old, that was just last year, she spent 3 weeks in the hospital before she got to come home. And now just recently my 93 year old Grandmother had a fall and has been in the hospital for the past 3 weeks. I spend just as much time in hospitals as I do casinos! (haha probably not a funny joke!) – I’m really happy you are gamble free right now and are able to be there with your Dad 100% fully there and not distracted by gambling, although I’m sure the thoughts and remorse are still there. I’m sure being gamble free will be beneficial during this time. 

[Rdy4Chng]

I really want to thank you for that response. It’s like you know me. I feel like I know you too. I feel like our battle has been sort of the same. Different of course but always reading your thread I felt like I just “knew” exactly how you felt. 

I think for me, I was coping (still am coping) with losing my Mom. Not the best way to do it. And since I had all kinds of extra money, I just went crazy with it. Since my original post, I have still put that large sum of money away where I can’t touch it and yet I still found ways to gamble. I could use my pay, my cc, my line of credit, etc. I mean that’s what I did before but then I would go into my Stash of money and pay it off. I am not doing that anymore and I think that is what is really stopping me this time – I have to figure out how to pay this debt off without “bailing” myself out. Now that that is the case, I realize what an idiot I’ve been. 

I am so mad at myself. I had so much money. I could have done such better things with it. When I think about that, it makes me want to stop. It also makes me want to cry. 

You’re right, the cycle is viscous. Get a few days under your belt, think you can go gamble – win some, you want to go back and do it again, lose some, you want to go back to get your losses. So ridiculous. 

Thank you for your kind words in being positive and gentle with myself and also saying you believe in me. I believe in you too. 41 days, probably more now, is so awesome!!! Good for you. I stopped writing on here because I just kind of went binge gambling this past month. I really dug myself into a deep hole. I felt too ashamed to even come here and tell anyone or ask for help. You asking me how I was doing really meant a lot to me. I don’t have a lot of people in my life and most people in my life rely on me so I can’t say anything to them about this, I can’t burden them like that. They look up to me and they need me to be the strong one. Having you reach out to me made me feel like someone actually cared about looking out for me rather than always the other way around. So really and truly, thank you. 

[Rdy4Chng]

Thank you for checking in on me. I have not been doing very well. I went on a vacation and thought I was ready to stop but since I have been back I have done a lot more gambling and a lot more damage. I am pretty deep in debt right now. I feel like maybe I had to get to this very low point. I feel very tired of gambling and chasing right now. Today was day 7 of g-free, this time around.. I feel pretty good. I feel slightly tempted but strong. I am so very mad at myself for what I have done to myself. I know I can come back from it and that is what I am focusing on. Paying off my debt. As fast as possible. I am also just finally going back to work this week. 

I have a lot going on in my life and a lot has been thrust on my shoulders in the last 2 years that I never asked for and wasn;t prepared for and I believe that is where this all started. I have a long road ahead of me but I really feel determined this time. I want to change who I am, not just the fact I am a non-gambler. I’ve lost who I am and I don’t like that. I am working on it, one day at a time. 

Thank you so much for thinking of me. I have been away from this forum for a while. How are you??

[Rdy4Chng]

Thanks for your response. I understand everyone gets busy but I guess maybe I was expecting more from the forum than is truly there. Who knows?

I will for sure consider the gamblock but honestly gambling online has only been a very SMALL part of my problem. I enjoy going to an actual casino. Online its easy to block myself for 3 months because I don’t really care about it. 

Congrats on your 37 days. Keep it going!

[Rdy4Chng]

Today is day 6 gamble free (again).

I did have another slip where I gambled online. On the site I use, you can only ban yourself 3 months at a time and you can’t re-ban yourself until your time is up, so dumb. So anyways, my 3 month ban was up the other day. I knew I could gamble online and so I did. Fortunately I had changed my settings a while back and I could only deposit $50. Of course I lost that but then I promptly did another 3 month ban so I’m pretty proud of myself for that. $50 is nothing compared to what I usually gamble in a session.

Instead of looking at my past time and thinking how I screwed up and am back at day 6 I decided I could look at it a different way.. Last month I gambled 10 days out of the month, this month I only gambled 4 days. That is more than half as much so that is an improvement! I had more than 2 weeks under my belt at the beginning of this month so rather than throw that away, I’m building on it being a better month. I guess whatever we have to do and whatever we have to tell ourselves to get better right?

Also I feel like I’m just writing this to myself since no one ever responds but hey, whatever.. Good job me, I think you’re doing a good job!

[Rdy4Chng]

Well, I’ve been reluctant to come here and say this but I think for my well being I have to – I have relapsed and gambled again.

I went with a small amount, thinking maybe I can control myself. Sure enough, I win a bit of money. Great! No, not great. The next day I think ok, I can go with my winnings and turn it into more. Nope, wrong again. I end up losing that plus about 3k. So obviously I go one more time trying to recoup my losses, and end up losing another 4k. So about 7k in just 2 days. My God, what is wrong with me??

I know I shouldn’t have access to this much money but I had my credit card and just kept taking advances off of it. The worst part is I was up. I was up on the first day. WHY did I go for more? Why did I put myself back in this position?

Yesterday was day 1 again and I felt like crap all day. I know I can do better but I am so addicted to it I can’t help myself. As soon as that first bet is made, all reasoning goes out the window.

I feel awful. I am pretty much broke. Now I have all this debt to deal with. I’m not even working right now. Ugh, I really hate myself right now.

I know I have done this to myself but it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.

Maybe this time will be different? Who knows…

[Rdy4Chng]

Way to go! 

[Rdy4Chng]

I also hate all of those things!

[Rdy4Chng]

Today was my 6th year wedding anniversary so spent the day with my hubby! No chances or opportunities to go and gamble. Still lots of thoughts about it though.

Thoughts of what would happen if I did go.. But I haven’t yet and that is making me proud of myself and wanting to stick with it. Must put time between the past and the present.
Hopefully this week will bring more of the same strength.

[Rdy4Chng]

It’s funny because I did literallly the same thing today!
I have been having really strong urges to gamble, *only a little bit this time* haha yeah right. Today I really thought about going. Going to see IF I could control myself. Just to have a little fun. I’m not stressed but moreso just bored. 

I did some other things and then ended up driving past the casino. I couldn’t help but pull in. But all I did was sit in my car for 20-30 mins and think about what was going on inside. How many people were losing money, how many familiar faces there would be in there (not a good thing), how loud and kinda gross it is, etc. Then after a while, the urges passed and I turned around and came home. 

Not the best thing to do I am sure but the fact that I did not go in and you did not bet are HUGE! Sure, non-gamblers wouldn’t do that sort of stuff but maybe we aren’t fully there yet. I am still someone who “likes” to gamble and as much as I want to be a non-gambler, I don’t think I am there yet. Not gambling today and overcoming my urges made me feel pretty good about getting there one day though. 

Good for you for not betting. It shows you have restraint and are on your way to becoming a non-gambler. =)

[Rdy4Chng]

Thank you! 

I did what I probably shouldn’t have done which is drive past the casino. I couldn’t help but to pull in. All I did though was sit in my car for 20 mins, thinking about what was going on inside – people losing money, the same old faces, loud machines, etc… After a while the urges had passed and I turned around and came home. 

I’m sure this is a big no no but it in fact worked for me today. I am now home and the urges for today have seemed to calm down. 

Thank you for your support. How do I get into a group chat? Haven’t done that here yet.

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