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Hi Jen,
Welcome to the forum, this is a good first step that you have taken. Jappy and i-did-it have posted some great advice on what to do from here. Since your husband already knows about your problem, I would highly recommend surrendering control of your finances for now to him. This will not be permanent, but you are unable to handle money management in your current situation. I would go up to him and tell him you are sorry for everything that has happened, and you are working on putting this mess behind you. Ask him if he will help, it is the most powerful tool you have.
“I don’t want to spend another dollar on a bet, but I don’t want to give it up either.” This line is very conflicting. You know that gambling is ruining your life and your relationship, yet you do not want to give it up. I know what you mean in this, you do not want to give up that feel. It is important to know why we gamble in the first place. Like a lot of other people, I do it for the excitement. I do it for the uncertainty. I know I will most likely lose, but I intend to find out. Here’s the thing though, even if you do end up winning, you will just put it right back. We all have, the system is designed to keep you playing until it takes everything. It is pretty devastating.
Beating an addiction requires a total lifestyle change. Whether it be setting new goals, or exploring new hobbies, your brain chemistry changes based on your behaviors. For me, setting new goals for myself has helped tremendously. I am fairly young (29), and I want to buy a house someday. Anytime I get an urge to gamble, I promised myself that I would not act on impulse. I would discuss it with myself before placing a bet, no matter how hard the cravings. Actually, I had an urge last night, and this was the first one in 25 days. I acknowledged it, and decided to write a post on here before acting, but I also reminded myself that if I did act on it, I would be put further away from my goals. Just some little techniques that I hope will help you.
–Nick
Here are my thoughts on the lottery:
Anything is only a problem if it becomes a problem, and to really know if it’s a problem, you have to be 100% honest with yourself. For me, the lottery has never been a problem. I really do not spend money on any form of entertainment (not even cable), so I play the lottery often as my entertainment. I probably spend between $20-$80 a month on the lottery, which is very much in my budget.
Here’s the interesting thing though, I know the odds, but imagine if you actually did win a jackpot. What do you think would happen if you came into all of that money all of a sudden? History has not been kind to a lot of lottery winners because most people that play the lottery are poor, so they have never had that kind of sum in their possession. I laugh at the pictures of planes and boats that they have advertised. If you live that life style for a couple months, you’ll be broke. This is a harsh reality for some winners.
But back to the topic about gambling. While I agree that the lottery is gambling, the level of addictedness that it provides is no where close to slot machines or other casino games. There are no lights, sounds, smells, and it is played at a very slow pace. The level of triggers casino games give off that release dopamine are (I would argue) at least 5-10 times higher than that off the lottery. I have never felt not in control when buying lottery tickets, but perhaps it is different for different people.
I am not trying to argue that playing the lottery is a good idea for anyone here. But it has never been an issue for me. As long as I stay honest with myself and my loved ones about money I’m spending, that’s fine with me. Casino gambling is a BIG problem, and to healthy people it is only something that should be enjoyed very rarely with friends. Once you start going by yourself and being secret, it becomes a massive problem. Hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong
–Nick
Hi Chris,
Good job on seeking out help, this is a step that sadly not a lot of people take. I can see you really care about your future and your family, so well done so far.
In regards to GA, you should absolutely not feel ashamed at all when going to seek help. Everyone is there for the same reason as you, they are fed up and tired of not being in control. They want to change their lives, just like you. In fact, there are a lot more people than you think that are suffering from some kind of addiction. The fact that you want to help yourself shows that you are serious about moving forward.
Different techniques work for different people, and I’ve found that learning as much about addiction and what it does to the brain was the most helpful to me. The more you can understand the illness, the better you can plan your attack to recover. Basically, the brain can get addicted to anything. It is the prolonged engagement in a highly stimulating activity that leads to addiction. Your brain will make connections, and whenever you think about or experience a trigger, these connections will light up causing cravings. The more you resist urges and cravings, the more you recover. The brain is a highly complex organ, and it is constantly changing. Whenever you resist a craving, those connections made earlier become weaker, and when you explore new healthy activities, you will create new connections. I also found that having goals is super important. Anytime I get an urge to gamble, I just talk to myself and say, “I know I am having a craving, but I also know that if I act on this craving, the outcome will be the same. I want to save up for a house, and throwing money away to gambling will put me further away from that goal”. This usually works for me, any technique you can do to delay the action is a positive one. Good luck and keep posting.
–Nick
Hi Liz,
I think a problem a lot of us have on here is trying to find something that is as exciting as gambling was, but something healthy. The problem with addictive activities is the massive release of dopamine caused by these activities. Our brains are not able to process these activities in a healthy way, so when we experience them all we can think about is “Remember this! This is important!”. As advanced as our brains our, it’s amazing at the flaws they still have. I am struggling to find an engaging activity after gambling, everything just seems so slow and boring to me.
Overcoming an addiction requires a complete life change. Right now, I have been taking it easy and going on a lot of walks (something I never used to do). I want to explore more activities and see which ones click. Recovering is really about retraining your brain to handle less intensive stimulating activities. Over time, your brain will heal and learn to adapt to more normal scenarios. Hope you are doing well
–Nick
Hi i-did-it,
6 weeks? Way to go! Everyday we don’t gamble, the casinos lose. That’s a pretty great feeling. I love the fact that I can’t go back to those places. I’ve decided that for the rest of my life, I am changing my family tree. There is a new family tradition of mine, and that involves not giving those vultures another red cent. They will get their’s someday, anyone who profits off of human weakness is scum.
Sorry for the rant, just want to keep you fired up not to gamble, but it sounds like you’re doing a well enough job on your own. Keep it up and stay strong.
–Nick
Hi Tommy, No problem, anyway I can help someone who is struggling is a positive for me. I am so glad you took action and excluded yourself. The problem with a lot of compulsive gamblers (actually, any addict of any addiction) is instead of taking action, they usually just say, “I’m not drinking anymore” or “Gambling is awful and this is my last time doing it”. This is actually counter intuitive because all your subconscious mind hears when you say this is “drink” and “gamble”. It cannot process positive from negative experiences. Ever hear of the phrase “out of sight out of mind”? I believe this is where this comes from. Congrats on taking action, your life will only change with action, and getting over an addiction requires a lifestyle change. As for GA and therapy, I have never been to GA, so I cannot really say much about it. I have however been to therapy and it has helped a lot. Just the feeling of you doing something about it and wanting to change your life helps a lot. Whats really helped me in particular is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). In a nutshell, it is the process of being mindful about your thoughts, and then debunking those thoughts with logic. I’ve noticed that the more I am conscious about my thoughts, the less urges I have. On the rare occasion I get an urge to gamble (even though I have blockers in place and it is really difficult to do so), I just talk to myself and say, “I am having a small craving to gamble, but I am not going to act impulsively on it. Instead, I’m going to play it through in my head. If I deposit any money online, I will never see that money again. I may win, but I will just give it all back because I know I cannot stop. I want to use that money to take my girlfriend to dinner (or insert other important goal/motive here).” This has been very effective for me. In my opinion, the best way to break a bad habit (what I call an addiction), is to replace it with new good habits. I’ve always been terrible with money in general, so I’ve been focusing a lot of budgeting and having money goals to work towards. Any time I want to gamble, I just slow things down and say that this will set me further away from my goals. I like that you are asking for book recommendations, it shows me that you are intelligent. I like to read as much as I can, but lately I have been diving into youtube videos and learning what happens at a molecular level when we become addicted to something. I have found that this has been the strongest tool so far in recovery, because knowing is half the battle. When I first started doing this, I was asking the wrong questions. I was putting too much emphasis on my particular addiction. So I would ask questions like, “how to stop gambling” or “how to break a gambling addiction”. While there were some pretty supportive videos out there, they didn’t really teach me anything. I started asking smarter questions such as, “how to heal an addicted brain” and “what does addiction do to the brain”. I found WAY more helpful material this way. If you have the time I suggest you watch these two videos. The first one is a very informative TED talk about what addiction actually is and some interesting findings. It can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=removed The other video is a bit longer, about 90 minutes, but it my favorite so far. It is a lecture by Dr. Kevin T. McCauley about the Neuroscience of addiction. I like this one the most because it goes into great detail about what is going on in the brain, and I can relate to him the most because he admits he has a massive sugar addiction. It can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=removed I know this has been a long post, but I wanted to be as informative as possible. To recap here is a short summary: Put up your blockers, they are the foundation to your recovery. Understand as much about addiction as possible. In a nutshell, addiction occurs with prolonged engagement to a pleasurable, highly stimulating activity. Breaking a bad habit causes for life change and self awareness, and replacing it with good habits. Having urges is NORMAL, and every time you do not give into an urge, the brain will heal itself by making those addictive connections weaker (the brain is remarkable at healing and changing). Learn to be aware of your thoughts, and talk them out. Use logic and role play scenarios to debunk these thoughts. And probably the last most important advice, learn to forgive yourself. Know that what you have been doing with gambling is not who you are. You are not a bad person, it’s just a flaw in our reward system that thinks anything pleasurable is related to survival. Unfortunately, this reward system cannot process consequences very well (stupid, right?). Just please forgive yourself, and please also make it a mission to be honest and withhold integrity. This should be part of your life change as well. It has all been working for me. Take care and keep posting. –Nick
Hi Tommy,
I’m sorry that happened to you, I know that situation all too well. If there is any silver lining in this, it’s that you’ve already taken the hardest and most important step in quitting, and that’s admitting you have a problem and actually want to do something about it.
So, where do we go from here? Well, it sounds like the most important thing in your life right now is your business and family. As a first step, I would self exclude yourself from every casino within a 50 mile radius. You absolutely have to exclude yourself as it will prevent you from going back there. I have done this and found it quite awesome walking out of a casino knowing I can’t go back there. Just go up to security or the front desk and they will help you out (they take this very seriously and will help you in complete confidence).
Next step is to get betfilter or some other gambling blocking software for all your devices. This was extremely important for me, because I realized I could just play online since I can’t play in person anymore. I believe betfilter is $60 for a year, but it is worth its weight in gold. Do this for all devices including your phone. Once you do this, you will have your blockers in place and then the recovery truly begins.
Honestly, from everything you have written, I believe you will bounce back from this. How you want to communicate this to your family (if you choose to do so) is up to you. A lot of people have found that support from loved ones is invaluable. I know this is a very hard time for you, so if you want to think about this more, feel free to. You will always have support on here, and I am glad that I have another person I get to help and recover with. Stay strong
–Nick
Hi i-did-it,
Congrats on your gamble free month, that’s awesome! Life just seems to get a lot better once we stop placing those bets. Here’s to many more months/years of a happy healthy life!
–Nick
Hi i_quit,
No problem, glad I could help another person who is struggling to find a solution. I believe the majority of people on here use betfilter to block gaming sites. It works really well. It is hidden and will only block gambling related sites (including sports betting). Just know that it cannot be uninstalled during your subscription (it shouldn’t be anyways).
One very important thing to understand to help you quit this bad habit is why do you do it? What motivates you to gamble? For me, its all about the excitement. If I’m bored, I start getting thoughts in my head about curling up on the couch with my laptop and putting some money on a site. This is usually late at night as well because it is done in secret. I’ve started to let myself know that anything that is done in secret (without good intent) is malicious. That’s when you know you have a problem. Boredom and staying up late are what I would call triggers for myself. It is important that you identify your triggers because you can put blockers in place around those triggers and try to avoid them all together. If I get bored now, I will say things to myself such as, “I know I’m bored, so I may get an urge to gamble, but I will not jeopardize my relationship or saving up for a house because of this. I want to (insert goal here), and gambling will take me further away from those goals.” Once you start to connect the dots like this with your self talk, it becomes a lot easier. For you, I imagine your family is the most important thing to you. You could say something like, “I understand I am having an urge to place a bet, but I also understand that if I place this bet (win or lose), it will hurt my family. I do not want to hurt my family. Me and my family win when I don’t place a bet, and the casino loses. That’s a good feeling.” Something like that, it could be anything, but you have to tailor your self talk to you scenario. I want a house someday which is why I threw in my talk about saving for a house. I also love my girlfriend and want a healthy relationship with her. I could even throw in “If I place money on this site, I am betraying my girlfriends trust. I am going behind her back to gamble.”
Just be honest with yourself, play out the scenario in your head, and you will do fine. Stay strong
–Nick
Hi Jags,
I’m sorry that happened to you, I’d be lying if I told you that exact same scenario didn’t happen to me as well. It’s a shitty feeling, but it can also be a valuable lesson. You’re tired of being kicked around and dragged through the mud. I am too. This insane mental roller coaster of a habit is exactly what I just said, insane. I’m going to help you anyway I can.
First, and most importantly, I know how bad this whole experience has made you feel, but nothing should ever make you feel like you are not fit for this world. I don’t know you, but I will say that everyone is unique and has their own special talents. Even if you think you are not very talented, there could be something bigger. You could have the cure for cancer for all we know! So I will say that you are worth it, you are totally worth it, and no stupid bad habit should make you feel otherwise. If anything, just remember that.
Now, how to ditch this habit? Well, that’s the million dollar question isn’t it? 🙂 How do you break an addiction, or as I like to call it, a bad habit. First, we have to understand what has happened at a molecular level. We have to understand what is happening in the brain…
Connections between Neurons in our brains are formed through repetitiveness. However, the reward system in our brain determines if an activity is worthwhile based on the outcome. If the outcome exceeds the expectation, dopamine is released (the feel good chemical). This is our brain saying “Hey! Remember this, because this is important!”. You can see why gambling is so addictive from this statement. When we first start to gamble, we don’t expect to win because we know the odds (we still do), so when we actually do win something, dopamine is released because the outcome is greater than the expectation. The more you play, the more Neurons get connected and then bam, a new (bad) habit is formed.
One major flaw in the brain is that, although it can remember the good times during an activity, it has an extremely difficult time acknowledging all the negatives effects of the activity. Our brain sees gambling as an important part to our survival, when in reality it is the exact opposite. I believe this is a major flaw in the human brain, but maybe evolution will one day evolve to compensate for this flaw.
So what now? What do we do to overcome this habit? I believe the best way to break a bad habit is to replace it with a good healthy habit. Beating an addiction requires a lifestyle change. You can read more about it here:
https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/recovery-skills.htm
For more information on how addiction works on a scientific level, I recommend watching this fantastic video lecture by a professor who also has a sugar addiction, so it’s easy to relate to him:
Actions to take right now:
– Exclude yourself from every casino/bookie around you. Take a day (if you haven’t already) and go to these establishments asking to be excluded. Go up security and ask them who can help you with this. You will do some paper work and then you cannot come back. Great feeling
– Put blockers in place to protect against online gambling. i-did-it mentioned that she uses betfilter (I do as well). It’s about 60$ a year, but it will block access to online gambling sites. It is worth it and I recommend you do it for all your devices (phone included).
– Forgive yourself and let yourself know that you are implementing change. This is very important because instead of just saying “I’m not going to gamble anymore”, you are actually doing something about it. Stay active in these forums for at least a couple months.
One more thing, be aware of your thoughts. Part of recovery is becoming more aware of your thought process. Know that urges will happen, and that’s ok because it is part of the recovery process. The more you do not give into urges, the more your brain will heal and it will get easier. The brain is remarkable at healing itself. Next time you get an urge, try saying this, “I recognize that I am having these feelings, but I also know that if I act on them, I will lose money. The outcome will always be the same. Even if I win, the system is designed to keep me engaged and take it all. These are false urges that will only end in sadness. I am better than that and I deserve happiness.” Every time you do this, the urges will get weaker.
One more resource I wanted to share. Our subconscious mind is always recording the world around us. A lot of people have very negative views about themselves that they don’t even know about. Changing the way your subconscious mind talks to you is HUGE. I would recommend listening to this recording before you fall asleep. Spend 10-20 minutes just sitting in your bed listening to these affirmations, and if you don’t want to do it anymore, you don’t have to. I will say that the first time I heard about this I thought it was garbage, but then I started trying it and I found myself internally repeating the words that were spoken. Give it a try 🙂
Closing thought:
Everyone here is fighting a very hard battle, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. If you want results, you do have to take action. You do have to work at this, but I promise if you do, and you start to become aware of your thoughts, you will eliminate this bad habit. Remember, you are worth it.
–Nick
Hi i_quit,
Well done on reaching out for help and admitting you have a problem. Not only admitting that there is a problem, but truly wanting to stop (I know you want to because you mentioned your wife and kids).
Since you are in a solid and clear mindset right now, I would advise you to start putting blockers in place. You mentioned online sites, so that would mean installing betfilter on all your devices (computer, phone, etc). It’s about $60 bucks for a year, but anything that can help you stop gambling is worth its weight in gold.
I would also suggest making a budget if you don’t already have one. I am terrible with money and finances (not all gambling related), and I find that the best way to break a bad habit is to replace it with a new good habit. This for me is in the form of a budget. The second you get paid, you have to immediately do something with that money. Paying rent, food, utilities and transportation come before everything else. Whatever you have left over, you need to make it as hard as possible to access that money. What I’ve been doing is a little extreme, but it has been working for me and is actually quite fun for me to manage money better. I have gotten rid of my debit card for the time being, and every week I go to the bank and withdraw my lunch/gas money for the week ~$100. I pay for everything with cash, and I keep $1000 emergency fund in the safe at my home in case I need money. This works because I have banned myself from every casino within 100 mile radius. If you haven’t self excluded from casinos/bookies around you, I HIGHLY recommend that you do this. You can leave your cards and cash at home, and spend a day going to ones near you. Go to security or the front desk and tell them you wish to exclude yourself. You will have to fill out some paper work and then bam, you’re done. I was nervous to do this, but found the people to be really nice and it is SOOOO awesome walking out of a place knowing you cannot go back there.
The problem for me (same as you) was the online sites. Taking away easy access to you bank account is a great barrier that I would recommend for anyone trying to recover.
The best advice though is to have someone else handle your finances (like your wife). I don’t know if you have told her about this problem, but if you haven’t, it may be something to consider. Even if you have a brother or sister you could reach out to, I think it would help tremendously.Just a little motivation: you will get urges, but just know that this is normal. The more you are aware of the urges, and the more you talk about them with yourself, the less you will get in the future. The more you do not give into them, the more your brain will heal. We have a brain illness, but the cool thing is that the brain is constantly making connections and changing. The brain is remarkable at healing, and not giving into urges and being aware of them helps it heal. Next time you have an urge, acknowledge it and then play it out in your head. Say this, “I recognize this urge I am having, but I also know that if I put money on a site, I will lose it. It doesn’t matter if I hit a jackpot or win a big game, I will give it all back because the system is designed to do that. This is a false rush and will end in sadness and despair.” Once you start to relate these urges to negative feelings, they will become less powerful. Again, great job at reaching out. We are all fighting our own battles, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have allies ready to fight along side us.
–Nick