[Rachels1976]

I started my nightshift. And a hour ago the client came. I told him the truth. He knows my boundaries and it was okay. I wasn’t scared at al. He said sorry and left.
I am so relieved. I also didn’t gamble. I had to go to a tankstation before work to buy a lighter. This was also the place to buy paysafe for my kick. I thought about it for a split and didn’t do it.
Since my try to stop I feel depressed and bored and even my body is hurting. I think my body also reacting because I gambled once in almost 8 days. It needs his rush and the kick. For the first time in three years that I could stay so long from gamling. It is the first since I tried to stop that even I have the money, time and acces to casino I say no and choose not to gamble.

[Rachels1976]

A Really bad day today….I woke up agry, upset and at work I had to deal with a collaegue who was very lazy and had no movation at all. It didn’t make me feel better, just worse. I had to bite on my tong a few times and keep it calm. Tonight I have also a night shift. Maybe dealing with the client I don’t trustt..pffff…I was very upset and went to my brother. My sister in law was at home and It is the first time I told how I felt and that the urge to gamble is making me crazy. She was so happy en relieved that I was sharing my feeling with her because she knew that I was still struggeling with this monster. She gave me a big huge and just listend to me without judging. I felt better. The urge is still there but at the same time I feel hate for the casino and gambling…So instead playing online and feeling a loser, and tired en stressed I write…and write till I am done writing and gamble free….. Stay strong and each day without gamling is a battle you win…

[Rachels1976]

While reading story’s here on the site I thought about my first attempt to stop this monster…It felt like I lost a best friend, I was really sad and not ready to say goodbye…I was mourning and scared that I couldn’t life without the gamling…I felt lost and empty and my heart was broken…I was loosing The love of my life…Now it feels a relieve to turn my back from gambling…My love is gone, because the love of my life robed me, lied to me, abused me and changed me in a untrustfull and angry person…Gambling took me from me and almost my family, my house, my work and even almost my life….I forgive myself and forgive the casino’s by letting go and never look back….

[Rachels1976]

Instead spending money on gambling I buy a e-book with the titel STOP. It is about a women who was addicted to alcohol, drugs and later in life to gamling. It is strange an interesting at the same time reading how she experience the gamling world. What really distroyed her fast was the gambling part in her life. It is like reading my own story…Her life was more broken than mine but still she did it. She had to face three addictions. THREE!! If she can do it I can. I don’t have any urge now en still feel disgusted about gambling. I feel motivated, relaxed and the real me. The one I lost for a long time but this is a better version of me..The bugs in me are exposed and I am working on it. I hope that we all stay gamble free for now, tomorrow and the next year and finally forever!!! Best regards and till the next post….

[Rachels1976]

I just Gamble…not much…10 euro and I was done…I didn’t enjoy it..I found it boring and stopped…I knew yesterday I will deside to do it today but frankly I start to hate to gamble…It is the first time instead going out side and get more paysafe I write now here to deal with my actions and my thoughts…I am not angry or dispointed but happy that I feel this way about gamling…I am really done…The fun and relaxtion is gone for so long when I am gamble…In almost 1 week I played ones…So I am keeping on and I just feel stronger now. I am tired about be a gambler and I rater be bored than feeling tired when I gamble…Is really not about the money…I didn´t play so much, just 10 euro. It is about the feeling around the hole proces of the gambling and that circle is doing nothing for me. I was feeling bored when I played and tired and the only thing that I wanted is finishing up..the same routine and results…Pffff…..no suprises anymore…I am really motivated to find some things new to do what is fun and healty…New goals…Yes I played today but very calm about it…because my feelings about gambling has changed like a said …from being relaxed, excited and having fun it is changed in being bored, tired and disgust!! I like to write here my proces, my feelings and my thoughts. I love to read the yournals of others on this forum. I feel connected and not alone..It realy makes me stronger and focused. It is the first time that I am be honest about gambling again. Usually I will just disappear…. best regard and till next post…….

[Rachels1976]

I did’t Gamble today, too busy..I choose to work a shift today at my second job….I had urge to play but wasn’t so strong because I was very busy with work….but I am worry about tomorrow…My second job asked me if I can change my late shift to a morning shift tomorrow..that means that I will be home after 4. That is when I used to play to relax on the online casino. I have self exculing on the most sites…but there are so many< i always find a new one...Here in Holland isn't possible to ban yourself on all online casino's at once. Just in the UK. Well day at the time...Now relaxing and read the yournals of great people who are amazing and I am learning each day....Thank you all for opening up!! Till my next post.....

[Rachels1976]

Thank you for your kind encouraging words. It helps to stay focus and I feel the support I need. I went on a lot of forums in the past but this is the first forum I really feel the support and the understanding that I really need to defeat this monster called gambling. But is also the first time that I really want to stop gamling for me and not for my family or because of my finance. I believe that GOD connect people at the right time at the right place.

My shift is almost done for tonight and the patient didn’t show up. I am relieved. I prayed to GOD if he is going to make it difficult for me please let hem stay away tonight . And he did.

I wish you all a good, healty and a blessed weekend and of course gamble free….till my next post…Best regards.

[Rachels1976]

I am angry at myself that this person has control over me. Yes he can be dangerous, that is what mine instinct says…to watch out…I am very suprised that my colleagues dont do anything about this issue. They deal with him more during the day. I just started working here and just 2 nights in the week. There also dont feel safe when he is arround. But I will confront him if he comes. I am done that people take away my safe feeling and control my thoughts and give me stress. I send a mail to discuss this further with my team. They also have to take actions. The urge to gamble is not present now but I already know. When I wake up tomorrow in the evening urge to gamble will kick in to releave stress. I am ready en prepared…I will choose not to give in.

[Rachels1976]

Today is very hard. I feel empty and tired. I went out to buy paysafe to gamble, but I did not. I went back home and watch now netflix. I am still feeling empty but the urge to play is gone. I know if I gamble now I will get depressed and more tired after. I am really done to stay in that circle….still gamble free…I do not feel happy about it and I still feel empty, but I focus now on two things:  tomorrow is a new day and I have solved the situation with the patient. 

[Rachels1976]

Thank you very much! Your respons makes me stronger to do this!!!

[Rachels1976]

Thank you for your response. It is not possible to have another colleague with me, but I do have a number to call if I need help. I have to do this because I also get mad that he has this power over me and I lett him. So I have to set boundaris. I can do this and I will. After my shift I will write a post how it went….I will not gamble today..( writing this but my mind says other wise, pfff very hard not to give in )

Best regards

[Rachels1976]

I woke up with the urge and it is still in the back of my mind. I know the reason. I have a night shift and I have to deal with a patience who can be dangerous and I don not feel save. He always comes to have a chat with me in the office. He never comes to my other colleges in the night. I did discus this with my colleges and I can say no. The thought to do this gives me a little stress because I dont know how he will react.

I will be back…

[Rachels1976]

I had my couseling today. But the day started very wrong. I had a huge fight with my brother.
Two things passes my thoughts….cancel the counseling and go gambling…But I did not give in, because these thoughts are not new…I went to the counseling and after that I called my brother and solved our issues….And made the choice not to gamble…I take control back and I HAVE a choice…each day is a new day and every day will be a challenge but I am ready to fight back! I still feel the urge that is why I am here and write it down….

I will be back!! 🙂

[Rachels1976]

Hi Quint good luck and I hope we can help each other……

[Rachels1976]

Thank you for your words and you really understand my situation! It helps me to focus on the problem and work to the solution: stop the self-destruct and loving myself truly….

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