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I know how you feel. It is hell. It is living hell. I read what you wrote and cried because I feel that way too. I just want to hug you and say YOU ARE WORTH IT. And I know you would say the same to me — that I am worth it. So why can we so sincerely mean it and clearly see it for others but we can’t say it to ourselves or believe it about ourselves? It is true about both of us (((((P))))) and now we just need to start believing.

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Writing this for icandothis — I see you closed your thread — just want to say thanks for your words. Even the last words of your closed post — *****, write, ***** — made me think how I am stuck just trying to ***** myself which is impossible! Thanks again Ican and I hope to catch you soon.

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Hey ((Lorraine)). Thanks for your post — your words really helped a lot.  Pumkin

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Hey ((Cat)). Thanks for your post girl 🙂 Just thinking of you and hope to catch you in chat sometime soon.  Pumkin

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Hey ((P)). Just thinking of you. Hope to catch you in chat sometime soon — it’s been too long.  Pumkin

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Hi ((Lizbeth)). All I can say is thank you for your kindness, caring and compassion for me while you are going through such a rough time. Reading what you are dealing with and then realizing that you took time to reply to my post —– it shows what a special person you truly are. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Pumkin

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WTG Jay! Your posts are brave and inspirational.  Pumkin

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Thank you all for your posts. I just came in here because I am falling apart again and to see your posts has helped calm me down some. I am always on myself for something….not doing everything perfectly, not saying the right things. It seems to me that the more I try to do the worse I get about always accusing myself of being less than. Today I finally checked some email accounts and found some inquiries from someone I had committed to helping that are now old. I feel like such a failure and phony and I am physically sick because I was not there for this person. I avoid people because of this. In my mind I think I am the worst friend, daughter, wife, colleague that anyone could ask for. I constantly beat myself up for every little thing I feel I did not do right. And then I want to just hide and not have any contact with anyone because I think I will just fail them. It is so hard right now to see the good in myself. I have even been angry with God lately blaming him for making me the way I am and all the torture I feel in trying to navigate through what is just normal life. I have been on and off depression meds and in counseling and I just can’t seem to find or learn anything that sticks and keeps helping. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t have the energy anymore to sustain working on my own well being. I know I’ll get through this and it will be ok one way or the other. I fight these feelings so hard and perhaps I just need to give in and say it’s all going to be ok and it’s even ok to feel like this for awhile but then I have to realize things will get better. I am not gambling — except for my new facebook slot addiction. — so at least finances have started to get better. I have figured out that it will take until about August to pay all the bills I need to. I am trying to look at this as a positive — at least I have found a block against gambling that will work until August. Lorraine I totally agree with you that this is so much more than just stopping gambling. I have to figure out a way to use this time to work on all the other things in my life that contribute to wanting to run away and hide — which I think is just mostly me and the way I think. If I could just believe that I have some good qualities and am not always failing. I am going to I sit here now for a little while and re-read all your posts and try and let your words sink in.          

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Today is a horrid day. I am feeling so hopeless it is not even funny. The only good thing is I have not gone out to a casino and gambled. Although I should say that I have been gambling on facebook. I have spent whole days at work wasting time on facebook slots. I have even bought credits in order to keep playing. I stayed off facebook slots all weekend and want to give them up but my days are horrid. I am sick of commuting the 2 hours to and from work. M-F I get up at 6am leave for work and get home around 7pm. I have no life and am tired before the week even starts. I spend my Saturdays sleeping all day — only getting up to go to the bathroom. I found a job posted in the town I live in which would be perfect for me — but I just called and confirmed that because my Bachelor’s degree is not in accounting I would not be considered for the position. I feel like the whole world is against me and everything is hopeless. I feel like I am only a step away from having a complete nervous breakdown — quitting my job — and eventually being out on the street. I can’t take this anymore. A friend here at work was trying to get me to stay the night over so I wouldn’t have to drive home tonight because it is going to snow and I yelled at her because she has anxiety over the weather and it is getting to me. I don’t care about driving in the snow but she is always sending me the weather alerts and I can’t take it. I know she means well but I have enough to worry about. I can’t stay tonight because I have to pick up my husband from work. I don’t need the additional pressure of worrying about the bad weather coming up later on. I can barely get by just getting to work and getting home. I know it’s not her fault and I should not have lashed out at her but I just can’t take it anymore. I have so many bills coming up so I can’t quit my job. My husband started working but he doesn’t make even enough to cover our mortgage payment. I know part of all of this is living without my "bandaid" of gambling but it is getting worse and worse. I cry everyday and I have started thinking I would be better off dead than continuing in this unendning sad and hopeless state………..I just can’t seem to find any light at the end of any tunnel anywhere.

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Oh ((Bettie)). Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.    Pumkin

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Hey ((Bettie)) — Just have to express same as all before me here anger at the haughtiness of someone saying to you that in your past 16 months you were not in recovery. I won’t repeat what everyone on here has already wisely and correctly (IMHO) pointed out which is that — that statement is BS. I can see you know that already love so won’t go on about it. I will tell you something funny B — if I was not married right now I would so sign up on match.com Maybe just because of all the commercials highlighting the personality test match BUT that kind of makes sense. Although I would also at the same time be very very very picky and very very cautious and very very patient and conduct background checks on any individuals I would consider pursuing a longer relationship with and never rush anything. Just saying……..its a shame someone of your caliber is alone. Not that it isn’t ok to be alone because we are all worthy just as ourselves and really need not have someone else validate us — but it seems you want to share your life. Ok so yes I would love to be a matchmaker for you B but I don’t know anyone good enough for you !!!!!! LOL TC ((B))

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Hey ((Hope)) — Thinking of you and wishing you a great day    Pumkin

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Hey ((Cat)) — Just thinking about you my friends and hoping you are having a great day.  Pumkin

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Hi ((Bettie)). So glad you had a good meeting last night and sorry to hear you are not feeling well. B will you try something for me? You have been thru a recent emotional turmoil — and as with all of us there are past issues too. But try this — Just sit and close your eyes and LET youself see all the turmoil on your mind in screenshots — whatever turmoil is sitting on you mind just let it flit by in pictures — don’t fight it just let it be in pictures and sensations and then let it go — let it go even if only for a second or a minute — it is your experience but it is over and gone so let it go to your understanding of a higher power just for awhile — however long you can — just acknowledge it and take a break from it. It has helped me to do this exercise so maybe it can be useful to you too. And if it’s not for you no harm no foul. Wishing you some smiles today B — you deserve good things to come into your life.   Pumkin       

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Awwww ((Sherrie)) thank you. You cannot know how this made me smile when I read it   I smile to see you feeling happy my friend. Poetry gave me a way to express myself and I am glad it does you too. Keep working it girl —– you look good when you do    Pumkin

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