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I’m ready to give up again. I’m so tired of this emotional roller coaster. This is just not the life I signed up for.
I found this on a website called Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving an Addicted Person and I really feel like I need to see it every day. I’m posting it here so I can read it. (Right now I feel like memorizing number 7 especially) In Particular:
As an adult, it is your job to determine what your ***** are, and you are the only one responsible for meeting them. (My new mantra)1. Come face-to-face with reality.
Learning how to deal with reality is the most important first step in “surviving” when you love an addicted person. Although it may seem easier to stay in the “fantasy space” where you can continue to believe that things are going to magically get better, there is no such magic. Things will not get better just because you wish they would.
Coming face-to-face with reality means accepting that parts of your life may be out of control as a result of loving someone who is engaging in addictive behaviours. These addictions can include mind-altering substances such as ***** and alcohol, as well as mood-altering addictions such as eating disorders, compulsive over-spending, smoking, being “glued” to the internet, gambling or codependency in relationships.
You may be feeling a constant, gnawing worry that you live with every day. You may find yourself being asked for money often, and feeling guilty if you say no. Perhaps you are watching everything you say and do, in order to “keep peace” in your home and not make the addict angry. Or you may be asked to do favours for the addict on a consistent basis, such as watching their children or doing their errands, and you may not know how to say no.
Whatever your particular situation is, acceptance of what you are dealing with in your life is the first survival tip for loving an addicted person.2. Discover how to love an addicted person — and stay healthy.
There are effective ways to deal with the addicted person in your life, just as there are ways that are not only ineffective but can also be dangerous. Learning to distinguish between them can save you a lot of time and can also produce much healthier results for you and your addicted loved one.
For example, learning how to set and maintain appropriate boundaries is a very important skill. You may need to explore the reasons why you have a problem doing that, and then learn some assertiveness techniques that will help you say “yes” when you mean yes, and “no” when you mean no.
Another way to keep yourself healthy while caring about an addicted person is to make sure you are looking after your own life and keeping a good balance with such things as work or volunteering, supportive friendships, fitness and good nutrition, and time for the fun activities that you enjoy.
Choose to practice the healthier ways of loving your addicted person.3. You cannot control or “fix” another person, so stop trying!
The only person you have any control over is yourself. You do not have control over anything the addicted person does. Many people choose not to believe this, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Once you can really grasp the reality of this concept and live by it, your life will become much easier.
The Serenity Prayer can give you a helpful gauge to see whether you are trying to control people and situations that you simply cannot control.
God, Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Cultivate your wisdom, so that you know the difference between what you can and can’t change, and stop trying to control or “fix” anyone other than yourself.4. Stop blaming the other person and become willing to look at yourself.
As easy and tempting as it may be for you to blame the addict in your life for your struggles and suffering, there is actually more value in exploring what you may be contributing to this situation, since that is the only thing you can really do anything about.
Even though the addict has undoubtedly contributed his or her share of the trouble, in some way you also have a part to play in what is going on. For example, you might be keeping the “drama” going by lending money to your addicted loved one. Or perhaps you are always willing to be there to listen when they tell you all about the problems they are encountering as consequences of their addictive behaviours.
These kinds of actions on your part will not help your loved one in the long run. It is your responsibility to recognize and “own” your unhelpful behaviours, and to get professional help in doing this if necessary.
Understanding why you choose to behave in unhealthy ways is the key to making a change. Become courageous enough to be willing to look at yourself.5. Learn the difference between “helping” and “enabling.”
Just like most people, you might think that you need to help your addicted loved one. You probably fear that if you don’t provide help, he or she will end up in a worse predicament. When you try to “help” addicts by giving them money, allowing them to stay in your home, buying food for them on a regular basis, driving them places or going back on the healthy boundaries you have already set with them, you are actually engaging in “rescuing” behaviours that are not really helpful. Another term for this kind of unhealthy helping is “enabling.”
When you can be as truthful as possible with yourself about your own enabling behaviours, you can begin to make different choices. This will lead to healthier changes in your addicted loved one as well. For example, you might decide to tell the addict in your life that you will no longer listen to them complain about their lives. However, you can let them know that you are very willing to be there for them as soon as they are ready to work on resolving their problems.
Once you stop your enabling behaviours, you can then begin to truly help your loved one.6. Don’t give in to manipulation.
It has been said that the least favourite word for an addict to hear is “No.” When addicts are not ready to change, they become master manipulators in order to keep the addiction going. Their fear of stopping is so great that they will do just about anything to keep from having to be honest with themselves. Some of these manipulations include *****, ********, blaming, raging and guilt-tripping others, as well as becoming depressed or developing other kinds of emotional or physical illnesses.
The more you allow yourself to be manipulated by the addict, the more manipulative the addict is likely to become. When you hold your ground and refuse to give into their unreasonable demands, they will eventually realize that they are not going to get their way.
Saying “no” is an important first step toward change — for you, as well as for the addict.7. Ask yourself the “Magic Question.”
It is important to understand that you might be just as “addicted” to your enabling behaviours as the addict in your life is to his or her manipulations.
In the same way that addicts use *****, alcohol and other addictive behaviours to avoid dealing with their shame about feeling unworthy and unlovable, you may be focusing on the addict’s behaviour in order to avoid having to focus on living your own life. Your enabling behaviours toward the addict may be helping to keep you busy and to fill up your life so that you don’t have to see how lonely and empty you are feeling inside.
Ask yourself the question “How would my life be better if I wasn’t consumed by behaviours that enable my loved one?” Allow yourself to answer honestly, and be aware of any feelings that come up.
Although it may be scary to think about giving up behaviours that have formed your “comfort zone,” it may be even more scary for you to think about continuing them.8. Know that “Self-care” does not equal “selfish.”
Too many people get these two ideas confused: they think that if they practice healthy self-care and put themselves first, they are being selfish. “Selfishness” basically means that you want what you want when you want it, and you are willing to step on whomever you have to in order to get it. That actually sounds more like the behaviour of the addict. If you try to take care of someone else before taking care of yourself, you will simply become depleted and exhausted.
“Self-caring” means that you respect yourself enough to take good care of yourself in healthy and holistic ways such as making sure your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual ***** are met.
As an adult, it is your job to determine what your ***** are, and you are the only one responsible for meeting them.9. Rebuild your own life.
The best way to come out of your own “addictive behaviours,” such as enabling and people-pleasing, is to focus on your own life. If your life seems empty in any areas such as career, relationships or self-care, begin to rebuild your life by exploring the kinds of things that might fulfill you. Would you like to make a career change or go back to school? Perhaps you would like to develop different hobbies or activities that would help you meet new people.
Rebuilding your life so that you feel a greater sense of happiness and self-fulfillment is your most important over-all responsibility. Enjoy!10. Don’t wait until the situation is really bad ~ reach out for help NOW!!
When those who love people with any type of addictive behaviour finally reach out for help, they have usually been dealing with their situation for a long time. If you have been waiting to see whether things would get better without professional help, please consider getting help NOW, before things become even worse.
If this situation is just beginning for you, it is best to get some support as soon as possible, so that you don’t make the mistakes that could make things more difficult.
The sooner you reach out for help, the better it is for everyone concerned.
Candace Plattor, M.A., R.C.C.Hi Shelly,
I’m relatively new hear myself, and have been with my CG for a much less significant amount of time, but your story is all too familiar. I can tell you even after being here just a couple weeks, you have definitely come to the right place. I didn’t get it at first either and didn’t even post until after I spent days just reading and soaking this all in. I didn’t want it to be true that my significant other had an addiction and I too believed his promises and tried to share his belief that he had it under control. I rooted for him, I tried to fix him, I even went so far as to participate in the addiction with him..until I finally got real with myself and truly HAD ENOUGH.I, like you, was searching everywhere to find answers to the question "how do I literally deal with this issue on a day to day basis"? I wanted step by step instructions…"If he says_____ then I should say _____", "If he does ____ then I should do _____". The realization I personally came to, after reading and re-reading the advice from the wonderful people on here is that there is no right or wrong answer. At least that’s the conclusion I came to…you may come to one that’s completely different. The answer in my own life is that the addiction is cunning and baffling. Its ever changing, shape shifting, manipulating, *****, and insidious and even charming – changing on a daily basis, so my reactions really don’t matter. The best advice I’ve seen so far is the one I fought the hardest against: focus on myself. So far, finding ways to live independent of the addiction has been the most effective tool in "outsmarting" the addiction that I have seen. Just like another person said, you can choose to ignore the addiction altogether. Shut it out and do something that makes YOU happy.
I think it confuses the addiction…at least that’s what I’ve seen so far in my own life. In fear of losing the enablement, the addiction eases up on the person, and (in my situation) the compulsion slows way down or stops completely, at least for a day or two. It’s a maddening thing to not have control over something that is so obviously detrimental to a person’s well being..having to stand by helplessly and watch them dig a hole. Wondering if your actions and words are giving him a shovel, or a hand to pull him out. The truth is…we really are helpless against it. All the Fighting and screaming and yelling and crying and pouting and begging and pleading in the world won’t change a thing..until the addict realizes they need to change and they take action to change on their own.
Its our choice whether or not we want to stay and participate in it and its our decision whether or not our "staying" is doing more harm than good. I can only imagine what walking away from 30+ years feels like…even temporarily. Like I said, my situation has been MUCH shorter of a time..but I love this man regardless. I love him enough to let him hit rock bottom without my help and I love him enough to be there, without judgment, when he’s ready to turn it around.
That’s just where I’m at personally, like I said, I’m new..and this is all just my personal experience. I hope you will keep coming back and sharing because whether you know it or not, you being here seeking help is helpful to others as well. Nice to "meet" you. 🙂 Tomorrow is a brand new day.
Well, I went to sleep last night in the other room, he knocked on the door a couple ***** and made some sarcastic comments, but for the most part, he ignored me and I eventually fell asleep sometime before the sun came up today. I woke up to a text message that he had bought me coffee creamer and a pack of cigs “even though I’m not talking to him”. I wrote back “thank you” and there was no more conversation between us until about 2PM when he finally called.I stayed calm. Told him I really feel like I have to do what’s right for myself and for my children and that the way things are right now is not how I can live any longer. He asked if I would be here when he got home and I said yes. I told him that there is too much life to live, too much fun to have, too many memories to make, and we were not participating. I said that if I’m going to feel invisible, I’m going to do it alone. Not next to someone that claims to love me. His final response was that I needed to do what I think is best for me. Being near the end of the upteenth book I’ve read in order to occupy my mind since things got to this level, I asked him if he would mind taking me to the library. We went on a pretty wordless trip there and back, went into our separate rooms and since then, he has ignored me completely.
I’m not sure if its pouting, if its him trying to show he doesn’t care in hopes that I come begging for forgiveness for whatever perceived slight I’m apparently guilty of, or if the truth is that he indeed is not affected in the least. All he’s doing is proving to me that my observations are spot on correct. That I deserve better than this and that things are not going to change until he sees himself. I’ve had to stop myself from trying to open up a dialogue, from my own desire to want attention from him or from making my own smartass comments – I’m trying my best to be strong.
This is only Day 1 of my Mission for Change. (I think that’s what I’ll call it. I have to breathe life into it. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing the right thing, I can’t be weak. This is for the best.) The hopeless romantic in me keeps picturing him walking into the other room, sitting next to me and spilling out his feelings. Telling me he can’t stand another minute without me and that he’s going to commit to recovery. My silly imagination.
San, thank you for the suggestion. I added her page to my facebook and I also went online and took a narcissist test to see if maybe I’m the one with the problem. I failed. I scored extremely low and according to that test I don’t have any fun diagnosis at all to blame this on. :/ I hated it though because most of the things I could answer no to for myself, were resounding “yesses” when I applied them to him. I don’t want that to be so. I want the person I met to come back and prove to me that I’m completely wrong.
With all the ignoring that’s going on right now, thoughts and fears that I’m “doing this” to a good man and “hurting him” for no reason keep creeping up in my brain. I’m trying to fight those thoughts. He’s been snoring and eating for 6 hours since he got home. The man is not suffering TOO bad, obviously. Funny you should mention a “spy programme”. That’s the kind of **** my last husband pulled (very early in our relationship) and stupid me..I married the guy anyway. My CG knows very little about computers. No worries there. A huge part of me wants him to know every word I say. Really its nothing I haven’t said to him. He just doesn’t care. If he’s hearing me at all, he’s not showing it.
Velvet…If I’m completely honest with myself, I have to admit a large part of me does feel some relief. Telling him the truth (I don’t trust him) and making a promise that I will no longer say a word if he gambles himself into a mountain of debt – it’s now solely on his shoulders is DEFINITELY relieving. I can sense that he can see that I’m being very serious. This isn’t an empty threat this time, and I believe he’s testing the waters to see if I’ll give in..so while its relieving, it also feels fragile. I’m trying to relay a no tolerance attitude to someone while living under the same roof, remaining calm, and ignoring my loneliness. I miss the guy. I can’t help it.I have no fear that he will ever try to physically harm me. It was an isolated incident and I think his impulse control has been ruined by his addiction. Separation from him physically – even across the house has taken away a majority of his control and I’m truly not concerned about him ever putting his hands on me in anger. He hasn’t gambled all day and all night since he’s been home. I’m sure its more to try to prove some kind of a point to me than anything else. I guess he really doesn’t get it.
Debbie, thank you. It sounds like you’re headed in a good direction yourself. As funny as it sounds, having my own “half of the house” feels a little liberating in and of itself. I hope things go well with the new guy you’re seeing. I miss the initial stage of “love” very much, and I envy those 30 year marriages where two people are even more in love today than they were when they first met. That’s what I want for myself. And that’s what I truly thought I found this time. A real future…
But I digress..today is only Day 1, as I said and so far, I’ve been strong. Maybe this little mission of mine will be what it takes to start an actual change…maybe not. No matter which way he goes though, I can no longer let him drag me down with him. I love him enough to let him go and learn on his own and I am beginning to have a little bit more love for myself. All is not lost.Thank you all again for listening and giving me such great feedback. This place truly is a God-send.
I cut myself off before I was finished because he came in and stood over my shoulder for a few seconds, and I immediately tensed up and quickly switched to something else. I know I shouldn’t hide it. He should see my true feelings, but any mention of his issue to anyone else, and he plays the victim and sees it as a license to talk about me to everyone else.
I didn’t think I would admit this when it happened, but a few days ago, he did get physical. Granted, we were being sarcastic "half joking" to each other and my remark before he put his hands on me was "no one is scared of you". He rushed over and grabbed my face in his hand – hard. And squeezed. I tried to physically push him away, but he was standing over me and I was sitting. He was laughing. I was not. I was kicking and trying to push him off of me, but he held my arms down and kept laughing. My lip was split, but not bleeding, he walked away and sat across the room in his normal spot and then belittled me for half an hour about how I have no sense of humor and can’t take a joke and I’m no fun and he didn’t hurt me on purpose. The truth is, he has a history of domestic violence that I wasn’t even aware of until about a month ago. His excuses are of course that these women falsely accused him and claimed he had hit them, but I can see now that he’s completely capable of physical abuse, and its just a matter of time before it happens to me.
Of course, when I bring that up, I get the whole "Oh my GOD I’m not abusive, my ex wife even told you so". I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now.
What I don’t get is why things like this happen to good people. I consider myself a good person. 99 out of a hundred *****, I will think of the ***** of others, before thinking of my own…and I get **** on. The simple solution it seems, would be to stop thinking about everyone else and learn to be selfish, but I genuinely doubt my ability to do that. Its just not in my nature. I’m a Pisces, A mother, and a sister who raised two siblings without a father in the house and with a mother who was barely there because she had to work 3 jobs to take care of us. I see these narc***istic abusive men that stomp on people’s feelings and treat people like garbage, and things just seem to magically work out for them. People say that "everything happens for a reason" but I’m starting to feel like the truth is that the world is just a ****ed up place! I used to believe in Karma, but in my own life, so far the only karma has been that I’m good to people and get treated badly in return.
I feel like such a cry baby for writing all of this out. It must seem like I have my head stuck deeply up my own ***. lol I guess it just is what it is…tomorrow’s a new…however predictable…day..and maybe a great job offer will come in so I can leave yet another failed relationship behind. :/ Ugh. Thanks for listening.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I’m trying to read and re-read them and let them sink in….today has been an especially tough day. Everything everyone said is poignant and exactly right and there are a couple things that stood out to me that I want to respond to specifically: the serenity prayer – I have worn it out and it plays as a mental mantra several ***** throughout my days..and today especially it was something I really started thinking about.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (him) to change the things I can (me) and the wisdom to know the difference. That’s how I’ve always thought about it, but today for some reason I came to the conclusion that I can’t accept him anymore. Its not just the gambling. Its what the gambling has turned him into.
You are all exactly right. Mental abuse and control is not acceptable and its not something I would allow in the lives of my children so why should I allow it (or accept it) in my own? I came to the decision today (after a particularly nasty episode where I calmly asked about the bills that were or were not paid and he launched into a verbal ******* on the phone) that the best thing for me to do is leave.
As soon as I find a job, I’m going to find a room to rent or an affordable apartment on the bus route, and just go. For now, I’ve moved to the other side of the house, I caught him in a few lies today, and instead of blowing up, I calmly made dinner, cleaned up, and took my book into one of the extra rooms on the opposite side of the house from him and closed the door. The couple of ***** I came out for a drink, he made some sarcastic comments, and I waited until he was done and calmly let him know I will be moving out as soon as I find work. I let him know that I will help him place an ad for a roommate if he ***** my help. He didn’t respond. He decided to take out another payday loan today, before any of this happened, so all of his focus was on his next fix. I doubt he even heard me and if he did, he doesn’t care.
The lies have gotten so out of control, I can’t even keep them straight anymore. At this point, I’ve been **** to so much that everything seems suspicious, even if its not. Just like NoMore’s husband said, my CG’s only real friend is the card table. Everyone else that’s in his life is there by either biology, as a parent / child relationship, or a coworker. He’s talked so much trash to his children and step children about me that their opinion of me is skewed and I’m the "evil **** talker" that ***** to leave.
Madge, as much as I hate to truly accept it, you’re exactly right. Its not love. This isn’t my first experience with an abuser and I’m more mad at myself right now than I can be at anyone else because I’ve again fallen for the typical "everything’s perfect in the beginning so I can trap you and show you my true colors" game. Every definition of a sociopath fully fits the behavior that I’m experiencing from him..and that I experienced with every man in my life before him. Each time, thinking "this one is soooo different"..and each time being proven completely wrong.
I’ve always known that the answer is to get on my own two feet, forget about relationships and focus on what I need to do for myself, but the trainwreck of a set of circumstances of a life that I’ve created for myself have inevitably kept me dependent on others and short of a financial windfall that affords me an attorney to get the state to stop taking half of any paycheck I make for child support, I’m afraid I will be perpetually dependent. Unlike most people, I don’t have a single family member or friend that I can stay with, and the women’s shelters near me are only there for people who have been physically harmed and are in danger.
Still, I know I can’t continue like this. I do deserve better. Out of 3,000 dollars, I did not get so much as a card, a flower, or a note that said "I love you" because the truth is, he doesn’t.