[Pie]

Hey there Emma. Welcome to the forum. It’s a pretty welcome find isn’t it when you are in the thick of another relapse is gambling. I too have been here for just a couple of weeks and and on day 5 of no gambling.

As you stated, the moment of giving in a loading a small deposit online with the thought that maybe this time you’ll win back the losses that have been hurting so much is such a downhill spiral that I too have found myself in far too many times this past year.

Can you imagine how you are going to feel in 6 months time when you have succeed in staying on track, your finances have bounced back and your anxiety levels are way down allowing you to feel that natural kick of happiness not having gambling in your daily life? I think about that all the time at the moment and it motivates me to work hard here.

Keep counting the days. I’ve just started counselling with a problem gambling councillor. He has allowed his clients to anonymously write up on a whiteboard how many days since they last gambled. And seeing their numbers is huge motivation. I’ve started mine at home in private, and add each new day as I make it through.

You last few days updates are really positive. Keep up the good work, you’ve got this.

[Pie]

Hey Steev. Thanks as always for your reply.

Yes I was beyond disappointed with myself that I blew the money I was waiting on to be withdrawn. I knew losing it would make the next month bloody tough financially. But I’ve spent the past few days working on accepting it and I actually no longer care that I lost it and have to live incredibly frugally this next month. Because I feel more relief than I could have expected by no longer having access to try and continue to win back these losses and I am just thrilled that I now can’t get in any more trouble. The losses have been crippling, and the anxiety I have felt these past 6 weeks have made me very sick.

I feel SO much less anxious and am listening to a good audio book by Alan Carr about how to stop gambling that is reminding me daily of how sick I was feeling. Last night I slept like a log again, and it felt amazing.

I haven’t made contact with GA because I had found this free professional support through another association that includes my counselling. So will stick with that for a while and see how I find it. The councillor takes his own group sessions that he suggested I come along to sometime too as he thinks it will help me greatly sharing my story and hearing others too. Problem is I need to be very very careful to hide all my appointments from my workplace so that they do not find out my problem. So I can’t attend much more than I am now with this weekly commitment during working hours. 

I feel like I can breathe again. And I have worked through my finances and believe that I can be back to where I was financially 6 weeks ago in 3 months time with some hard work and tightly worked spending. And how I will feel when I have paid off my overdraft with a small amount of savings again in my account will be the best feeling in the world. 

I’m getting excited now. I’m am so pleased I am here on this forum and have started with the professional help. I no longer feel alone after feeling so terribly terribly alone

[Pie]

I’ve been trying to find the time to post an update….

It’s been a crazy 2 weeks. When I last wrote I was at my worst, feeling the lowest of the low, the desperation from recent losses, the lack of a way of making it through to the next pay day and completely filled with anxiety, stress and exhaustion from this recent relapse in staying away from gambling.

I had my first counselling session with an experienced gambling Councillor last Friday. To save the embarrassment of having to spend the day at work around my colleagues and then sneak of to my session with the guilt of what I was about to start tackling, I took the day off work. I wasn’t sleeping, my stress levels were making me sick and it just became easier this way.

My Councillor and I seemed to find a connection from the very start. I am a very open person when in a safe space and talking to him didn’t worry me. What was alarming to myself though was filling out some of the assessment paperwork and where my score level sat with how bad my gambling was… it was almost at the highest score possible which caused him to be taken a wee bit back after meeting me. But I realised this was the time to be honest to be able to start the real process of actually getting the help I need to change my habbits and turn it all around.

Basically it was a great meeting session and I could tell that he was going to become an excellent support outlet for me as I step through my recovery journey. It felt like a huge relief, much as it did when I wrote in here, for another person to finally know what I was living through each and every day and how much it was affecting me.

He asked me to take action and request a self-exclusion from the current online casino that I had been using for the past month that has brought me into this unhappy place. I went home and logged in to do so. But I realised that a final withdrawl that I had requested 2 weeks previous still had not been processed and I needed that to happen before I could close the account. I was maxed out on my overdraft and that small amount would have been enough to get me through until pay day and then ensure I still had a little amount left in my overdraft. What did I bloody do? Cancelled the withdraw and lost the lot in trying to win a more “comfortable” amount.

This left me with just enough money for petrol until I get paid tomorrow. After a few days of going even further into disappear about it I actioned the self-exclusion any way. The online casion acted fast and thier support in return was, as per last time, just brilliant. I was so thankful.

This was 3 days ago and I FEEL GREAT at least knowing that right now I can’t get myself into DEEPER trouble. Last night I slept like I haven’t slept in month and today I was more productive at work than I have also been for a long time.

I’m excited to go back to my counciller in 2 days time to tell him how that made me feel and where I am at. The other thing I’ve come to accept is my losses and having to come clean to my financial adviser at my next meeting in 2 weeks time. I lost everything I had saved for the first time in my life and it’s beyond embarrassing. BUT… I now own that and am determined to work even harder to now earn it back through my financial support programme.

It was one year last week since my “big win” that changed my life, but also started a year of utter turmoil that has come with it.

I am so exhausted, but I see this as some progress to acknowledge in a positive way. The next month financially is going to be bloody hard as I no longer have the buffer of an overdraft available to get me through my expenses. But I got myself here, I will do everything it takes to get myself back to where I was a month ago and make some serious sacrifices with my spending to get there.

Thanks for reading – I am proud to say that I no longer have access to any online casinos and am more determined than ever to get myself through this. My journey has begun.

[Pie]

A quick update from my phone, while tucked up in bed feeling a huge range of emotions…

It’s been a really bad week, I lost more money online trying to fix the small losses in the first place and now have lost a lot of money trying to fix it all. Feeling quite desperate but I also know that trying to win back my losses is NOT the way to fix this.

But on a positive note, while searching for help and support networks in my local area (I’m in New Zealand) I came across free counselling offered to those who need help with gambling. I emailed my enquiry to the national center yesterday, today received a phone call and a booking for a first session with councillor this week on Friday. The relief I felt after the phone call was huge. I had tears in my eyes as I heard myself telling him out loud that I need help and about my windfall last year. But the sense of being able to finally tell someone I need support is wonderful. All of a sudden I no longer feel like I have to carry this dark, heavy and sickening secret alone.

First counselling session is this Friday and it can’t come soon enough. He made me promise him I would do everything I can to make it through until then without losing any more money. I said I know I can do that as I now only have $20 for petrol and no other means.

This has to stop now. I no longer want to be this person and I’m ready to move past my big win and no longer allow it to impact my life in a negative way.

Will reply to you all in a few days when I can write from my computer again.

I feel so proud of myself. I am going to start getting the professional help I need. Gosh I am thankful for all of you sharing your stories and updates.

[Pie]

I am really greatful for you reading my story and taking the time to reply. This is a crazy crazy ride I’ve found myself on. I’m a 34 year old woman who is independent, finally in a great job that I am good at, have done my full recovery from my accident entirely alone and the kind of girl who hopes she still has time to meet at partner and have a family. If anyone knew in my personal world what I was knee deep in they would be angry and shocked after everything I have pulled myself through. 

You are right, there is so much shame and guilt entwined in this heavy and dangerous world that at times I find myself struggling to understand how I got here. I am beyond excited to have found the GT ap and forums and just this morning I have sent an email to ask for professional counselling that is offered in my local area for problem gambling.

If I had managed to pull myself through this a year ago after after my big win, I would be debt free with enough money for a deposit on a house of my own for me and my dog. But here I am, ashamed to admit I only have 10k left of my winnings and have already taken us a small personal loan as a result of my addiction.

But I also know that it’s not too late for me to turn it around. No one knows what I won, no one knows what I have lost. So it for me alone to own the shame in that and do something to turn it all around and get myself back on track to saving the deposit needed for a home.

I really  appreciate the support. This forum is amazing and I feel like the weight of the world is starting to shift now I no longer bare this in silence. 

I have my final quarterly meeting next month with my financial advisor to see how I’m going. I have a lot of things to fix and try and answer for in my accounts before then and it terrifies me that they won’t be willing to work with me for another year because of my gambling losses. If I keep on tract with them for another year I know I can earn my recent losses back through hard work, budgeting and some hard savings. I hope she gives me a chance. She knows about a 10k loss last year I had to come clean about and she was very angry with me, understandably. I guess it’s completely undone all the hard work they have put into me.

It all changes now. I will turn this around!

[Pie]

Hey thanks Steev for your reply. I was actually really thrilled to discover the GT ap and now forums by complete chance yesterday. I was trying to find a support group on Facebook and joined one that doesn’t seem to have been used for some time. As I scrolled through some older posts someone mentioned downloading an ap on their phone which helped them. When looking through the ap store I came across this and am so pleased I did. 

I have tried to find local support groups but haven’t had any luck. So to at least have found this one feels truly great as a start to me getting the help and support I need.

Every time I had seen myself getting out of control through the online slot machines I have contacted their problem gambling team and asked for a permanent self ban from my accounts. What I did find great was that after I first relapsed after a full 5 months of not gambling, every new site I found I also seemed to not be able to access and my card declined. They will have all been under the same governing company. When I did find one again in January this year, after an entire day spent on there and more losses I once again had myself band through their problem gambling team. I found their teams to be brilliant and supportive, passing me on all the information I needed to get help. 

Another relapse with money stresses lead me to a new site 2 weeks ago. I have now also had myself banned on that one and have seen on this site information about blocking software to install on my phone. I will be doing this today as I am ready to never ever end up in the situation I only just got myself out of after 7 years and have deep shame that I have even allowed myself to possibly loose my one chance I had to get into my own home and have some security. 

This site is amazing, and I am so thankful I have found it. I’m exhausted, it’s been 2 weeks of no sleep and now a long wait with no funds to get me through until next pay day. I know I am better than this. Thank you for your support

[Pie]

Hi Jester.

I’m new here, signed up last night after spending my last dollar trying to win back my losses on online slot machines

Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to read. Not because I want someone else to suffer as I have but to know that I am not alone and that I am not a complete failure for having been down this path. Thank you.

I posted my story at 1am this morning while lying in bed on my phone, desperate.

Like you, I am considering selling my motorbike due to difficult finances. And that’s something I am struggling with the thought of as I rebuilt it after a major accident some years ago and it’s actually one of the only things I own. But as you say this becomes one of those hard life lessons that we have to be brave enough to learn from.

Dude, I am ridiculously proud of you for opening up to your two friends. I can imagine the weight that that alone has lifted off you. Well done. And that is just awesome to hear you are working through your finances with one of them. Great update, and one that gives me great hope as I begin to tackle my problem head on myself

keep us posted, high fives from New Zealand.

[Author]

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