[Pie]

I’ve been waiting almost 2 weeks since my most recent self exclusion from an online casino for my next counselling appointment. He does not yet know that I relapsed, that I lost all my remaining money. He does not know that I am sick with anxiety again and feeling a lot of self hate.

He also doesn’t know that I was able to find the courage to tell my 2 friends who knew about my big win last year that I have a problem and am getting professional help. I’ve begun to feel like I don’t know how I am again and it’s a desperate feeling.

Tomorrow can’t come soon enough. I look forward to owning up to what I have done so that I can begin to deal with the consequences once again.

Something else that’s causing me a HUGE amount of anxiety is something I would so very love some opinions on from here. I logged into my bank about 4 days ago as I was expecting small purchases to begin bouncing before pay day. And what I saw was a large deposit from the online casino I self excluded from at the start of the month. It’s almost the entire amount that I recently lost through them. But the problem is, I didn’t win it. I have no idea what’s going on, check my emails every hour in case they have emailed to realising they have paid the wrong person but nothing. Each time my phone rings I expect it to be my bank saying there has been a mistake.

I’m sure that’s coming. I feel sick. Part of me hopes that its my money refunded because they were linked with another casino I was excluded from as a problem gambler. But another part of me is terrified to have that money sitting in my account right there without knowing why.

Could I possibly have just received an absolute life line for my recent actions and desperation? I am sure it’s just a matter of time until they contact me as ask for it back. It’s cruel, brutal almost, as I work through this range of emotions and get even less sleep waiting for that phone call.

I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want this desperation.

[Pie]

A massive high five to you Antonio from New Zealand. 100 days, that is so awesome. You should be very proud of yourself, for both opening up to your mum with your honesty, and for tackling this addiction head on.

Like RG said above, I too am inspired. Only on day 10 of my second attempt to get through this, but I want to celebrate that milestone like you in another 90 days. And I shall do my very best to get there.

You sound like you have huge relief in you. Keep going, long may the urges to gamble stay at bay and here’s to you getting your life together, one strong day at a time.

Well done and thanks for sharing.

[Pie]

I appreciate you stopping in to leave me a message, thank you for that. 

Your question about what measures do I have in place for this week’s payday when I’m feeling so vulnerable? I am hoping there are a few things in combination that will help me through safe-guarding myself. Firstly I have self-excluded myself from the recent online casino I found with my latest relapse. And to be honest, it was not easy finding one that would accept either my bank card or email address so the self-exclusions are beginning to help. Secondly, my friends I managed to open up to last week of what I’ve been going through alone told me to message them if I don’t feel safe or feel that desperation again. And lastly, while I will have some income in my account, I live with very  little surplus and it’s all pre-allocated through my budget so I know I don’t have any room to move. 

Now that I have lost the last of my big win from last year have been feeling an overwhelming sense of relief to stop trying to protect it, make the right decisions, make it stretch places it wouldn’t stretch and the huge guilt that came with having it but feeling like I never earned it or that it was dirty money. 

I still hurt that I’ve lost it, it was my way out of my current housing situation by using it towards a deposit on a home. But I’m more determined than ever to find a way to be able to save the sum myself, and feel the huge pride in buying my home with hard work and turning my life around without luck. It’s going to take me much much longer now, but I won’t admit defeat. 

This is stressful. I know I’m not very well at the moment. The anxiety of what gambling has done to me is making me loose weight and be sleep deprived, and the loneliness I know is just a side-effect of this hideous addiction. 

I can’t wait to see my councillor this week. I really need to talk this all through. I know how disappointed he is going to be with me, and I feel the tears are finally coming. Before I damage any more of my daily relationships I know I need to let this all out and begin to work on forgiving myself and stop hating myself to be able to look at moving forward with my recovery. 

Tonight I hug my elderly dog, thankful for having a job, an income, a car that works (that I brought with my win last year), firewood to keep warm and professional help along with all of you to help me change this darkness in my life right now.

Xx pie

[Pie]

It’s now day 9 of no gambling, round 2.

I still am struggling to believe I lost 10k in less than 3 weeks. I feel really alone, I live alone and at times the silence and own thoughts in my head can be deafening. But I’ve done really well with my finances this week and now only have 4 days to go until my fortnightly pay. I am going with some food (just eating basics like rice and fruit, cheap), when I’m home I stay home and save my petrol to get to and from work.

And I know it will begin to get a little easier with the next couple of pays in my account. Plus I have taken on some extra freelance work in the next few weeks to help keep me afloat.

I didn’t get to see my councillor on Friday as I had hoped. He doesn’t yet know that I’ve relapsed and I felt desperate to see him and talk. But he was booked up so I have another 5 days to wait until my appointment.

Right now I feel so alone, but I can’t express how relieved I feel right now to not be currently gambling. And I really want to keep it that way.

I’m a bit lost at the moment, but believe I can get through this. I’m finally setting a little sleep and beginning to accept what I’ve just done. I want to look ahead now, looking backwards no longer serves me

[Pie]

I’ve been reading back through a few members earlier posts to learn more of their stories, their strugglers, their achievements and progress. I know I don’t know you and am new to this forum myself, but through your posts I gather you are much stronger and more determined than you might be believing right now. I hear in your words how much you want to change this, get through this crippling addiction and how ready you are to be done with it.

A parking ticket that you can’t afford will of course be a huge trigger for emotions and being completely over it. I get it. I think we all get it. My car was rear ended by someone a few weeks ago who ended up doing a runner, leaving me with having to find $500 for insurance excess when I had so little. What did I do? I panicked and started gambling again. $10,000 later and in tears in the isolation of my own home where I live alone I now had a real problem on my hands, much bigger than insurance excess.

My point it, it’s these triggers and financial challenges that can push us to just giving up. It’s exhausting, it’s isolating, it’s suffocating. But the only way for us to change our current situations is slowly, day by day, pay day by pay day, with the support of others who understand completely where you are.

You sound like a woman who is far from being too broken to fix. You have drive, you have determination… and remember in Japan they fix broken pottery with gold, showing the flaw with new beautiful imperfection.

Let us know how you are feeling when you make it through to payday with the half yearly bonus you mentioned. I hope this will help you to see past right now.

We are here to support you. Hugs from New Zealand

[Pie]

As Steev mentioned above, it’s been a week full of many of us relapsing. So Sherrie, I am right there with you. My finances are also a trigger for me with the stress and anxiety they bring. But I made a decision last year to do something about that for myself.

I have always had a very negative relationship with money, never learned about it as a child, lost everything I owned (house included) at age 25. I watched my parents struggle all their lives, go bankrupt multiple times and when my father passed 5 years ago mum’s words of shame will always sit with me. “I’ll never heal from your father having zero estate when he died”. In fact, I discovered he had 80k worth of credit card debts at age 67 that I went through lawyers to get written off.

So money has always confused me, stressed me out big time and I even grew to hate it. I was ready to change how I felt about it last year. I signed up to complete a certificate course, night school, in Personal Financial Money Management. While it didn’t help me to earn more or get into an easier position quickly, it did completely change my attitude with money. I went in hating money, being told I was never allowed to discuss it with my partner (very wealthy) at the time. I came out confident, excited, willing to openly talk about money and begin to face it head on instead of hide from it.

When you say you won’t ever have a holiday or nice car, I know from experience that kind of self talk is limiting in what we can achieve there. My tutor asked me about holidays, and this was before I had any kind of win gambling. I told him I can’t ever afford holidays. I win them instead. While that second part was true (I’ve been extremely fortunate enough to win some amazing holidays) it’s not a game plan in life, and me planning to rely on luck was always going to ensure disappointment.

Make it through to pay day. Make it through after that to your next pay day. If you remain gamble free you will see each pay day begging to make a difference, even if it’s small. I now force a though into my head when I am tempted with thoughts ed gambling. I ask myself “can I afford to loose this $100?”. Of course than answer is no, and the stress at the thought of losing it and having to go without even more sometimes helps me pull away.

I’m back on day 3 of not gambling. The last relapse has caused me huge loss and anxiety in my life. But I’m looking forward to day 4 tomorrow. One day at a time, one pay day at a time.

[Pie]

Hi Steev. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. You have some wonderful advice in there for me and I am truly grateful. I will work hard to take your suggestions on board and come up with some action plans when I become aware of potential triggers. Yes, my finances and the desperation I have felt for so many years are my biggest trigger and I need to put some really hard work into resolving them long term, not just believe that a quick fix will take all those problems away. I have already proven to myself that having a “sum” of money from my past win doesn’t make the past 8 years of financial struggle disappear, only puts a bandaid on it. 

I did go for that dinner last night with my two friends that I originally told about my win last year. They are husband and wife and were my absolute guardian angels throughout my accident those many years ago when my family could not be there with me. She is a bloody stroppy opinionated woman at times, who I still love dearly, so I wasn’t sure if telling her what I was going through would have been a good decision for me. I believed she would have come down on me like a ton of bricks and those two have known all I’ve gone through and seen it nearly destroy me. 

But after most of the night taking about their worlds and adventures, she asked me how my finances were going. It caught me off guard and I said without having control that they were not good. She paused and looked at me, asking if it was gambling? I broke down in tears saying yes. For the first time since I entered this dark world of gambling finally I had admitted to another human being (that wasn’t a councillor or support group) that I was struggling with gambling. 

I waited for the debate, for the harsh words, for the judgement. It didn’t come. Instead she wrapped her arms around me and I cried harder than I have since my father died years ago. They both said they were there for me, that they loved me and that they did not judge me at at all for losing the last of the money I won. I even admitted to myself that I felt relief that the money was now gone for the 18 months of pressure to get it right, use is correctly, but it was not enough to either use for my house deposit or pay my mum back. I never got it right. Now without it, I feel like I finally don’t have to deal with money that I haven’t earned, that wasn’t really mine. Crazy I know. But it’s very much how I feel. 

I got home after dinner, cried a little more, turned some music on an danced with my dog feeling freer than I had since this all began. 

I have sent my councillor an email requesting a private session this week and I will allow him into exactly where I am and what I’ve done. 

Thanks to you all for your replies. It is giving me the strength to own up to this reality and continue to push on through my recovery and regain control of my life. 

I am so thankful. And last night is one I won’t forget for a very long time.

Day 3, feeling stronger than day 2 and that’s a positive

[Pie]

Bloody proud of you!!!! That is amazing progress Emma and I love reading that you are seeing your finances bounce back as time goes on. This inspires me to start again, lost the last of my money to a relapse 3 weeks ago, starting again today with day 1 *****. 

Massive high fives from New Zealand, thanks for your positive story and your strength with sticking with it 

[Pie]

It seems I have a lot of reading to catch up on, and perhaps ensure I do on my lap top rather than my tiny cell phone screen as I write here. 

I came back onto the forum last night to deal with my own struggles and relapse. But I came back in this morning to find your thread and check in with how you are doing. 

I gotta say, your writing can be memorizing, your thought process, your words… 

Dude I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a recent relapse. And how you describe how you don’t like who you become when you bet, resonates with me hugely. I looked in the mirror last week, in the middle of an epic downhill spiral with relapse and substantial money lost, and I was ashamed with what I saw. I used to be a kind of attractive girl who would look after herself, carry herself with a simple happy pride. What I saw was terrible hair, lines of stress on my face, eyes filled with anxiety and underlined with huge bags. I’ve noticed that the relationships around me have been strained and I’ve caught myself lying to others to cover up who I really currently am. 

It’s a version of me that I do not like, and I have given it far too much power. 

Like you don’t like what you become I encourage you to read back over many of your support messages to others and remind yourself of the epic human being you actually are. 

Bloody proud of you for going along to the group, if I read that correctly above? I’ll do more reading later of your journey but wanted to send you hugs, smiles and cheeky high fives from New Zealand as I straighten myself back out and begin day one again of being gamble free. 

Keep writing dude, you’ve got a special gift and I believe it will be helping you.

[Pie]

Jester, right when I needed you you are there. Thanks so much for your reply and also your honesty regarding how you are doing. 

While it hurts my heart to hear your very familiar story with your recent relapse, and I’m gutted for you too, it makes me feel not alone and realise that having a support network is essential is helping us become gamble free and for good. 

I managed to get some sleep after requesting for yet another self exclusion last night. Just like the last time I felt a huge sense of relief knowing that that particular account has now been dealt with. Back to the drawing board with my finances. I know if I work bloody hard and go without a few more things (like dating someone I’ve recently met who lives in a different city), then I should be able to re-save the 10k I’ve just lost in these last 3 weeks. Time to pull my finger out and get my life back under control!!!

You are right, the pressure of not having anyone I know in my daily life know what I’m going through is too much. I’ve tried to reach out to my best friend to tell him a few times as he was the one who knew about my windfall. But he never replies now as his new partner doesn’t want him having female friends and I don’t want to push to have him HAVE to listen. I want someone who WANTS to listen. 

I have dinner tonight with a couple of friends who are husband and wife who also knew about my win. She made me promise a year ago that I would never gamble again so I’m not sure if I would have the strength to face her judgement if I told her. I’ll see how dinner goes tonight. I’m not well, I’ve lost weight, my eyes are full of exhaustion and I’m pretty sure they will be able to see that I’m not myself. Perhaps they will ask? 

And after reading your words I have decided to book a private session with my councillor this week and skip the group session. I will tell him exactly what I’ve done and let tears of shame out if I need to. 

Jester, I appreciate you. We are at day one, we can both do this. Let’s do it together, I’ve got your back. We are better than this and we can kick this to the curb and truly start to excel in life, with freedom choices. 

I am with you, let’s go! 

[Pie]

Hi. It’s been a few weeks since I posted.

I remember my support team and councillor being proud of me when I made it to 48 days with gambling. And I told my councillor that I believed I could do this, keep on the straight!

3 weeks ago I began feeling the utter desperation of my finances again, and I searched the web for an online casino that I wasn’t self excluded from and kept singing up until one let me in. The desperation grew per deposit, knowing that I was so close to losing almost every cent I had to my name. And the more that desperation grew, the more I have lost. Again.

It’s all gone.

I woke up with a massive anxiety attack a short time ago and it’s 3am here in New Zealand. I went straight into my casino ac***** and requested an immediate self exclusion ban. As always, the casino were excellent in acting quickly without any push back and it all starts again. How did I let this happen again??? I’ve just lost the deposit on my first home that I know will take me many years to try and save back. I’m in tears, haven’t been sleeping for weeks, and too ashamed to be honest with my group and councillor and feel utterly alone.

Not a single person in my personal world knows I’m struggling and the shame I feel once again is overwhelming. The anxiety is crippling. The gamble-free ***** should now be at 2.5 months but it’s reset back to zero and I start all over again.

God I want this pain to stop. I want to get my life back on track but I’m now considering pulling out of my financial training programme so that I don’t have to disclose to my advisor that I’ve just lost everything. I promised her last time that my last losses were the last and she said she wouldn’t help me anymore if they weren’t.

Rock bottom, hello again. I’m not sure how many more tears I can cope with after 8 years of trying to rebuild my life post accident which has led me to gambling. I truly hate myself right now, but am grateful I have somewhere at least to unload the grief

[Pie]

I think the shame has to be one of the biggest weights to learn how to bear and carry through all of this, and then one day perhaps even come to terms with and forgiveness for ourselves.

As IRock says, keep writing. Well done for attending your first meeting. Perhaps hearing other people’s stories will help you to find the support and strength you desire to make changes. But also to feel like you are not alone in your journey, no matter how devastatingly isolating and lonely it can feel at times.

Your words resonate with me very loudly when you talk about the home you don’t have, the evenings out you’ve missed out on, the holidays you haven’t been able to take. These things and thoughts can sit heavily but I hope you can learn, in time, how to see past that and begin to see ways that you can have some of those things in your life again over time.

You are so right, it’s time to stop and we are all here for you, to believe in you when you don’t yourself, and to celebrate with you when you make progress because we understand.

High fives from New Zealand. Thank you for writing today

[Pie]

This week I made myself sit down and begin to reconcile my bank accounts in my finance tracker – the one that my
professional financial advisor will be going through with me at my next meeting in 2 weeks time.

Transaction by transaction I categorised my spending and incoming funds. I knew it was bad, but seeing the transactions add up, hundreds of item lines day after day to an online casino… this may have been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I broke down in tears from the desperation and the shame it made me feel to see my reality and behaviour right in front of me.

But you know what? Now it’s done. My entire accounts have now been categorised and how much money I have lost is there, in fact, for me to now process and disclose to my advisor.

I’m pleased that task is done because ignoring it did not mean it was going to correct itself. Hard work, professional help and my commitment to never gambling again is going to help fix it, over time, one day and one pay day at a time.

Today I had my 3rd counselling session since I began to seek help. And I joined in his group session for about half an hour before hand. I got to meet two other problem gamblers and hear a short snippet of their stories. And I shared mine with them. I found myself having much respect for each of them very quickly as I began to see and understand what gambling had done to their lives and how much hard work they have been and still are putting into the rebuild of both themselves and their lives.

I felt relieved to be there. The more I talk about it the more I understand that, while my gambling has been “short term” in the scheme of things, my losses have been huge and here is real potential for it to completely undo ALL of the positive progress I have made these past 8 years after my accident.

I am grateful for my counsellor. I don’t trust easily but I feel really comfortable around him and he already is very supportive of me, helping me to see things I haven’t been able to see myself.

It’s going to be a bloody hard week until I get paid next, but I truly feel if I can get through to them financially, I am going to be able to turn all this around and get my finances and happiness back on track.

Something I said to my councillor today actually surprised me. He asked me if I had thought much about gambling since I last gambled and self excluded 10 days ago. I said I had, and that at the moment the strongest emotion I feel as a result is an overwhelming relief that I no longer have to gamble, that I no longer have to log on and spend money to try and fix all my losses in pure desperation. I no longer feel like I have to wake up at 5am and log on in bed on my phone and try and fix it all. I feel an immense sense of relief.

I have never felt the excitement, the high or the thrill that I know others have or do feel gambling. I’ve only ever felt desperation and shame at myself, and cried many tears when another hundred disappears from my screen that I simply couldn’t loose.

I no longer have to gamble to fix my messes, and it’s that feeling of relief that makes me believe that I can truly feel happiness again in time.

Very grateful for coming across this free counselling service. I hope I can grow from all of this and the conversation that will be had.

[Pie]

I began a task today that I have been actively avoiding for many weeks now. After I had my windfall a year ago I have been working with a financial advisor for 12 months to budgets, help me get my life back on track after 8 years of being in turmoil financially after my accident and to work hard to start to move towards so big goals.

I have my final meeting with my advisor next month and in preparation for our meeting I need to ensure I have my entire tracking in my accounts up to date. Every transaction is allocated, seen, and talked about. Full accountability.

Today I began to reconcile my accounts. The last time I did this was at the beginning of February, when I was not gambling, I had savings for the first time in my life and was getting closer to having a deposit on my own home, within reach.

I cried my eyes out today as I worked through my accounts post gambling relapse, seeing my deposit disappeare in front of me, all my savings completely go into the bottomless pit of the online casino and my overdraft maxed out fully with no room to move for bills and expenses. I cried and I cried and I cried. This is what I have to show for putting in so much work to rebuild my life, from often working 2 jobs to just keep up, from going without anything extra for myself for 8 years.

I have never felt so ashamed of myself in my entire life. And in a few weeks time I have to show a complete stranger my entire failings and then convince them to allow me to sign up for this help and services for another year.

How on earth did I allow myself to undo all the progress I have been fighting to achieve for so long? The more I was losing the harder I tried in desperation to hide it but winning it back. But the losses grew bigger and I am really really struggling to forgive myself for the past 2 months worth of turmoil. As I struggle through each pay day now going without ample food and skimping to ensure I can have enough petrol to get to work I wonder how on earth I am going to turn this around.

I had felt so relieved having nothing to do with gambling for a week now. I’m never going back, I think this has even put me off wanting to ever buy a simple lotto ticket again. If any of my family or friends knew what I had done they would all disown me and be disgusted in me. Heck, I’m disgusted in myself. There’s no hiding it in my accounts now. The one thing I am thankful for is that I am single and do not have to bring a partner into this embarrassing reality.

On Friday I will attend my 3rd counselling session with a problem gambling councillor. And I will also be joining my first group session to begin to face up to what I have done, one day at a time.

[Pie]

Hey Emma. 

I have to second that audio book that jester mentioned above. I have just finished listening to it yesterday after my first full week of all self exclusions from access to online gambling as I try to pull myself through financially on the bones of my backside. I have found the book very helpful indeed and it keeps reminding me of the happiness and elation non gamblers feel with ease, and that it’s gambling that keeps me from feeling this as I so desire. So I am working bloody hard to keep focus and work towards that awesome feeling of knowing I too am now a non-gambler – that thought alone is very motivating indeed. 

I think you have done bloody well to make it through this full week and I say congratulations. While many of us have a long way to go you have to allow yourself to acknowledge the progress that you do make. I hope that tomorrow you wake up with a different energy from today and that you feel that fire in your belly again knowing that you are on the path to being free from all this as I know you will continue to keep working hard at staying on track. 

Ah jester, as I cringeingly try to claw my way back to keeping up with bills and having enough money for food again after my past relapse and huge losses, I remind myself of the sacrifice you have made with selling your motorbike to get yourself into a better position to fight back. I started my motorbike up over the weekend in my garage, after not being able to afford to ride it for over a year now, and I got a hell of a kick up the arse from my conscious to simply go without any xtras for a few months, tackle my overdraft as heavily I can and fight to hold onto my bike like mad. You have motivated me buddy and I have much respect for you. It might just be the shove I needed. 

Keep writing Emma, it’s helpful for lots of us to read as we go through our own journeys. Here’s to a better day tomorrow. High fives from New Zealand

[Author]

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