[peacegirl]

I am not sure I have talked to Bettie yet? Maybe 2 months ago when I was here I may have, but I can’t remember. I am open to talking to anyone that can help lol,, But how do you know where I am from?? It’s a big secret you know-I don’t want anyone to know how pathetic I am in this area (and I would put LOL next to that, but most of that is true-I am ashamed):)

[peacegirl]

Yes, so much- so true!! I am trying to remove access to money but haven’t got all my stops in place yet.. Was so awful today, so thankful for this site, but I have so far to go. But like you said odaat!! So for today, I am not going to gamble:)

[peacegirl]

Hi Lizbeth, you are such an inspiration- I am so glad you do keep posting and I hope I will keep posting too!
Well, today has been without a doubt one of the hardest days I have had since being a CG (of course there are many terrible days to when actually gambling). Anyway, I woke up in a panic- almost terrified of the money I had lost and my mind just kept thinking and thinking that I needed to go gamble to get it back! I got dressed, went to bank- did all my gambling things I do, like have cash- use a certain cross body purse ect ect… and I even told myself, “well I banned myself yesterday and the paperwork is not there yet, so I can go one last time.” I stopped in the parking lot of bank, tried to reason with myself and drove a little further to park. I pulled over under a tree and cried, I was having the hugest urge to gamble, and I prayed for God to help me! I then googled on my phone gambling urges and up came an article from Gambling Therapy that explained that the urges will pass, they seem terrifying and but when we break then down, and first accept it for what it is an urge, and then realize we don’t have to respond to it, and if we wait it out and distract ourselves it will lessen and eventually go away. I read and read the article, until the urge that was a monster slowly started to disapate! I then went to the store and looked around, ran into a friend I had just met, and after I went out to my car- wham another huge urge to go gamble! This time, I pointed my car towards the casino and drove all the while thinking of the article I read, but still heading that way! I eventually pulled over again, read the article again, waited for it to pass again and turned back towards home! All in all 2 1/2 hours was spent with me out there in panic mode, actually half believing in my mind I could win back the thousands of dollars I have lost in the past months/years, heck who knows! It’s the amount of money that gets me! As the years progressed the amounts got higher and higher, until now I’m just in panic over how long it will take to get even remotely halfway back to normal! This disease is so terrible…On my way back from my “drive” all over creation with my urges in full force, I called a therapist that my other counselor suggested since she is closer to me and well she didn’t answer but I left a message and said I want to come in soon! Now I’m home, my house is a mess the dogs are barking, a storm is coming and I have a million things to do- BUT I did NOT gamble… I don’t really feel a sense of accomplishment or anything, I just feel awful still, but I am so thankful for this site because it literally kept me from going today and I couldn’t wait to get on here and be able to express my feelings!! Day 3- Very hard but trying to move on again….

[peacegirl]

I appreciate your encouragement so much, and I plan to be here every day to write and to share and to eventually after I feel better myself, encourage others too!! 🙂

[peacegirl]

Lizbeth, if it’s okay I want to ask you a question. How long have you been gamble free? I have seen some of your posts and I feel amazed that you seem to be living a normal life, yet you are still here posting. What I mean is, usually and myself included- after we feel better and start to feel like we have conquered something (and I did this often) we forget and don’t come to these sites. Back on Feb. 27, I thought I was done, completely and total done, I had banned myself from the casino I frequented and I had stopped before, so I thought I didn’t need to come to this site! I see now just how wrong I really was. What gives you the inspiration to keep writing,to keep coming.. How do we keep it in the formost of our minds that we are CG’s and even after long periods of no gambling we are only one step away from returning to binge or fall or whatever! You inspire me from what I have seen! Thank you

[peacegirl]

I just read all your posts Ican, and I am only 2 days into not gambling again after a 2 months gamble free time.. I blew it this past weekend and went crazy like you stated you did in April I believe and I spent so much money and time and it was a marathon, and when I was out of money I drove all the way home, got more and went and did more.. It was horrible and I lost so much money it wasn’t even real! I thought 2 months ago when I lost thousands at one sitting and I banned myself from that particular casino that I was in the clear! Wrong, I just drove a little further to a casino I didn’t even care for,and went nuts for no reason either, I was doing well and enjoying life again and well I blew it big time. Today I self banned from the whole state, all the casinos.. It was hard because as you said I think wow I can’t gamble, yes we really do “think” we like it! But the truth is it’s horrible, terrible and to me disgusting of a place to be! Yet there we sit in front of our machines, or others who play cards or whatever and we get lost! Now I have to face the music again. I like that you got a part time job, I think I need to do something for myself, not just work in our family business all the time,but do something for me too! Anyway, I understand how you feel and I wish you the best and I am right there with you. I’m just hanging on for dear life hoping I won’t ever find a place to gamble again.

[peacegirl]

Thank you for your posts Cat and Vera, Well last night I did sleep a little better, but I woke this morning feeling frantic and wanting a way to get my money back, it’s a huge amount- too much to express how much I’ve lost especially this last year! Anyway, instead I did what my mom and I talked about me doing last night, and that is I printed off the self banning sheets all the casinos in the state near me, not just the one I had already banned myself from but all of them, and I forced myself to hop out of bed and go get them notorized and thank goodness I sent them in! Now I am banned from all casinos near me! That helps me alot, but I know I am always going to be a compulsive gambler and I can’t let me guard down. I could drive 4 hours to an even further state, I realize that- but for now at least the tempation of the places that were an hour distance from me will be gone, or at least I won’t be able to go there! I still feel horrible. But it’s day 2 again of non gambling, and so I am going to try to move forward. I think I need therapy and my mom is coming to visit me for a few weeks on the 20th of this month and she said she will go to GA with me.. I ran errands today and I couldn’t wait to get home to post on here, so I guess that is at least something! I just need to feel surrounded by others who understand what I am going through because it makes no logical sense to anyone, only those who have been in our shoes! Well, I have to start living odaat. I don’t do that too often, I look ahead way too much! I wish you all a gamble free day!

[peacegirl]

Thank you for your posts Cat and Vera, Well last night I did sleep a little better, but I woke this morning feeling frantic and wanting a way to get my money back, it’s a huge amount- too much to express how much I’ve lost especially this last year! Anyway, instead I did what my mom and I talked about me doing last night, and that is I printed off the self banning sheets all the casinos in the state near me, not just the one I had already banned myself from but all of them, and I forced myself to hop out of bed and go get them notorized and thank goodness I sent them in! Now I am banned from all casinos near me! That helps me alot, but I know I am always going to be a compulsive gambler and I can’t let me guard down. I could drive 4 hours to an even further state, I realize that- but for now at least the tempation of the places that were an hour distance from me will be gone, or at least I won’t be able to go there! I still feel horrible. But it’s day 2 again of non gambling, and so I am going to try to move forward. I think I need therapy and my mom is coming to visit me for a few weeks on the 20th of this month and she said she will go to GA with me.. I ran errands today and I couldn’t wait to get home to post on here, so I guess that is at least something! I just need to feel surrounded by others who understand what I am going through because it makes no logical sense to anyone, only those who have been in our shoes! Well, I have to start living odaat. I don’t do that too often, I look ahead way too much! I wish you all a gamble free day!

[peacegirl]

Just wanted to add something that I am wondering if others are going through and how they conquered it! For years now, I go on a gambling binge that may just be one day, or several or a few weeks- I may win some, but then ultimately loose it all then huge huge more losses! Then I am frantically trying to make up for losses by working extra hard, selling unwanted items, having yard sales you name it! And I usually recover enough to get back to the spot finacially I started at before the binge, however- I am sick emotionally and mentally drained of trying to play catch up with making up for losses. And then as the loosing escalates and I loose huge amounts instead of the smaller amounts I lost say at the beginning years ago- I am not able to recover like I did! I can hardly think about trying to make up for this last mistake again. I painfully worked like crazy for 2 months to make up for the last one, only to repeat and do it again. Does anybody else do this?? Do you gamble in huge binges then try to work extra hard and make it back, then feel better then do it again?

[peacegirl]

Thank you both for your comments and care! Today being the day after the binge, I know will be hardest for now- but I know from the past each day gets better, but someday in the future I hope it gets better to the point that I don’t slip up again! Vera, maybe gambling is always in the back of my mind- IDK right now… I sometimes catch myself daydreaming about being a social gambler,and saving money specifically set aside to gamble, or I even have thought about visiting casinos in other states to see what they are like. So maybe no specific plan, but maybe just always there, lurking behind me telling me it’s fun, when for me it is anything but fun!!

[peacegirl]

I totally understand, I relive the buzzes and the lights and the bad looses and the winning then putting it all back in and loosing over and over and I don’t sleep for nights after a binge!

[peacegirl]

I am very depressed and upset with myself today too! It was just a little over 2 months ago that I had gambled, I banned myself from 14 casinos nearby, but one of them had a harder ban process almost like a joke like they didn’t know how to ban, so I didn’t ban there and in my mind I didn’t like that casino and thought I wouldn’t go there to gamble ever anyway! Well, I did- this past weekend after 2 months of playing catch up and working my butt off to try to get ahead from all the previous binges and mess up, for no apparent reason I went there, then I lost a lot, then I went back trying to chase and lost more, then I returned for a third time and lost way way more! Now my saving is gone, and I am sick inside! I have tried to quit on so many occassions and I am hoping to get help with counseling this week, but I understand how you feel. Fortunately for me, I do not like online gambling.. But my thing is the lights the glitz, the escape of the casino and I just can’t seem to overcome it yet! Please know that there are others out there in your same situation, which is why I came here, I am desperate to just talk to others and try to make some kind of sense of this whole mess! Let’s start over together! We can do this! We can quit!!!

[peacegirl]

I was here and posted this 2months ago and I banned myself from the casino that I used to visit and I moved forward, was doing really good- had sold lots of stuff I didn’t need to make extra money, worked really hard and started to like myself again! Then this past weekend, on one of the first weekends I was by myself again, out of nowhere I went to the casino farther away that I didn’t ban because their banning process was so different and really a joke, and I never liked the place, but this past weekend I went once, then twice after I messed up and tried to chase loss, then 3 times, trying again to chase, when all did was loose, and loose and loose a huge amount. At this point I am shock. I was going so much better, I can’t even comprehend how this happened. It took me so long to get back on track and so much work to make up at least alittle for past binges of gambling and then just when I was barely making a little headway I go and do it again, in a huge way! I feel lost right now…. Today I could just use encouragement, stories, anything that will please help me. I have contacted a counselor I went to once before, and I hope to go every week now… I want this to stop so bad. I want to look back after a year, 5 years and just know that I am done! This is scary and humiliating, depressing, sickening, you name it… Any thoughts would be much appreciate!

[peacegirl]

Does anybody else have high anxiety for a few nights or a week after they have had a big gambling loss, and also can’t sleep? It was a month ago (before yesterday) that I gambled and I had the same issue, high anxiety- when I close my eyes the first night or so after a binge, I have to open then instead of falling asleep because I see the lights, hear the sounds and I feel horrible and can’t sleep… Hoping this will pass very soon!!

[peacegirl]

Vera, thank you for your post- I can relate to everything you said completely, and right now all I want is the whole gambling thing to be behind me. I don’t understand how I can go for long periods of time and not really want to gamble and then get back into it and gamble worse and worse each time!! It’s horrible, but I truly am going to dedicate myself to never gambling again.. I have said this many times, but always went back to it! This time seems different because I just cant and don’t want to do this anymore! I will ruin everything I have if I continue, I have read and read about others and I know how bad it gets.. thanks for the encouragement, I will just continue to post on here when I have feelings because it helps! And to Lizbeth, I am so glad to hear from you. I read most of your posts from the past couple years last night and really related to you. I am so sorry about your husband and I feel you are one of the bravest and strongest women I have seen! Gambling is a nightmare to control or quit and each day you write your posts you seem to have a positive spirit and that is remarkable:) I too gamble to escape or probably other reasons, but as Charles commented above maybe I should just move past that and focus not so much on the why I do what I do, and just do the best I can each day to make the most of that day! I am scared though that sometime in the future my brain will once again say, “let’s go to the casino.” For no reason it does that after long periods of not going! I am never strong and give in, now that I am banned it does help, but as mentioned I could drive to a further one, but I generally will not have the time to do that! (I hope)! One time I started up gambling again just because someone said let’s go to the casino and I went along with it and I shouldn’t have! I don’t think I have ever quite recovered from starting that time up again, just had shorter periods of stopping! But today as I sit her, I just am done! I don’t know how I can learn to like myself again, I feel like all the money I wasted could have been put to good use, and that makes me sick inside!

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