[paul315]

Originally posted by chubbycat
…  Not very happy with myself …
Dear Cc,
Not being very happy with yourself after gambling again I believe is a natural feeling that is benefiting from a positive characteristic trait that someone in recovery has acquired, just as we as CGs acquired the bad traits associated with our compulsive gambling;  continue to enhance the new good traits and keep working at changing the bad ones — it is our progress that will keep adding clean time to our lives.  In reading yours and another post about someone gambling again adds a little bit of a positive look at my recent gambling; adding quality time to all of your gambling free time, not just the past 5 months. I can say that I know what I am talking about, and hope that you can regain your momentum and get back in step the same as I and many others have had to do. 
However, don’t wallow in that unhappiness, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep on keeping on — a mixed cliche, but both tell us and inspire us to do the right thing, and the last part of the first one, start all over again, does not fit; you are still in recovery and do not have to start over. You might have to change or strengthen the steps and tools that you are using, but once in recovery always in recovery; once we become aware and accept the fact that we are a CG and need to change, that eternal Higher Power now awaken within us keeps the desire to be free alive.
Keep posting, reading, and participating here and in your other support groups, keep working your program of recovery. We are not alone in our problem, or our struggles, and need to share our experiences and adventures of life with our fellow gamblers so as to help them as well. We may feel a need for a break from some of the ways that we work our recovery, but we should never take a break from making the journey itself, never let ourselves face and live the life of being in a true relapse. e.g. "Relapse – The addiction takes hold once more and the individual re-enters the pre-contemplative stage" where "The problem is not identified and there is no motivation for change" ~ definitions taken from the welcoming page of GT.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep taking action.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by paul315    to razzabelle

… I find that posting such thoughts to others is better for me than to post all on my own threads, so thanks for the opportunity and use of yours. Journaling and sharing problems is good for us no matter what venue we use, but my choosing one different than my own I know is another trait that I need to look into; hopefully it is more to benefit from third party "therapy" than some type of denial or facing the truth head on …

Good evening all,
I find it strange that I am posting to my own thread for the second time in just a few days, but like I mentioned to Razz in a reply to her, my not posting to this topic often is "another trait that I need to look into".  And the best way to look into the matter is to copy that part of my post here.  I also mentioned to her that I knew that some of those that knew me better might be more appropriate shoulders for me to lean on then her being so new; most of the "old timers" that I am talking about (especially, but not inclusive, Bettie, Carole, and Reds, since I have met them in person and feel a little closer to because of that meeting) might be more apt to read my post here, so I am sharing my thoughts and feeling with all of you in a more direct head-on way.
Originally posted by razzabelle

Thank you for the words and thought provoking post …

Good morning Razz,
Your post has given me "food for thought" too, thanks for your thought provoking post … … …
…  But the real reason that I am posting to your post and am writing this is to build the courage to do what I now have to do as a result of gambling again; something that is extremely hard and carries much more regret and deeper feelings than "yuck", than having to juggle finances to pay a few bills and have a little "food for nourishment". This month I do not have any money to send to my daughter and now have to tell her and her mother that I gambled again after three and a half years of being gambling free. I could lie to them but that would not help me any, it would only give a false and selfish instance of saving face, something that always backfires later on and adds to any mistrust that might exist.
I find that posting such thoughts to others is better for me than to post all on my own threads, so thanks for the opportunity and use of yours. Journaling and sharing problems is good for us no matter what venue we use, but my choosing one different than my own I know is another trait that I need to look into; hopefully it is more to benefit from third party "therapy" than some type of denial or facing the truth head on. I know that you are new here, and that some of my older friends here could be a more understanding listener, but your post was the one that opened my eyes and causing me to take actions that i need to follow through; again thanks. … … …
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting and sharing, "a problem shared is a problem halved"
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT, "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by razzabelle

Thank you for the words and thought provoking post …

Good morning Razz,
Your post has given me "food for thought" too, thanks for your thought provoking post. This morning, about two and half months after my "crash" I am looking at a minus balance of a couple hundred dollars for this months budget. I will have a few small checks coming in from my part time job to cover it in time to pay upcoming bills, but this does not change the fact that the consequences of my gambling in October are carried forward to today, and will follow me for at least a year. It was "fun" and "enjoyable" at the time, and even somewhat "therapeutic", and conversely it did cause me to feel "yucky" afterwards, if by that you mean remorseful, guilty, and at a loss of self-esteem.  BUT, that short lived "good" time was not worth it, the events that I was trying to escape and not face still exist. And "surprisingly" enough they did not destroy me or cause unmanageable hurt like gambling did. On a brighter side, but for from justifying, the lingering "yucky" feelings have diminished and has strengthened my resolve to continue on my journey to live gambling free.
But the real reason that I am posting to your post and am writing this is to build the courage to do what I now have to do as a result of gambling again; something that is extremely hard and carries much more regret and deeper feelings than "yuck" than having to juggle finances to pay a few bills and have a little "food for nourishment".  This month I do not have any money to send to my daughter and now have to tell her and her mother that I gambled again after three and a half years of being gambling free.  I could *** to them but that would not help me any, it would only give a false and selfish instance of saving face, something that always backfires later on and adds to any mistrust that might exist. 
I find that posting such thoughts to others is better for me than to post all on my own threads, so thanks for the opportunity and use of yours.  Journaling and sharing problems is good for us no matter what venue we use, but my choosing one different than my own I know is another trait that I need to look into; hopefully it is more to benefit from third party "therapy" than some type of denial or facing the truth head on.  I know that you are new here, and that some of my older friends here could be a more understanding listener, but your post was the one that opened my eyes and causing me to take actions that i need to follow through; again thanks.
Back to a more related reply to your post, you are right, this is your addiction and you need to do what is right and good for you — in the long run it will also be more beneficial to any relationship that you are in. If your partner still gambles the best that you can do is to separate yourself from all that they do in relation to gambling. There are surely other things that you do as "individuals" so this is not a sign of loss of interest in them; this may be a little harder, but that may be because it is still one of somthing that you want to do than something that they want you to do — hopefully you are not being wrongly coerced or pressured into joining them that is. A relationship or friendship built of true love or caring, and not just for support of some codependency, will not cause you to act in harmful ways.  I know that this is not always the case, but it is something that ***** to be considered.  I am truly fortunate and grateful that my loved ones and friends recognize my problem and the harm that they might cause if they attempt to encourage me to join in on any of their, occasional "normal" gambling (I do miss our past trips to Vega some, but back then they were fun trips to enjoy more than the gambling, and not ones to feed my addiction) — and I practice the same understanding with a friend that is AA, we separate any of my outings for a "night on the town" from any ***** of just meeting or dining out.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting and sharing, "a problem shared is a problem halved"LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by razzabelle
 
… I was doing SO well … 

Good morning Razzabelle, my name is Larry and I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was October 17, until then I was doing SO well for over 3 years.  But in reading your story and seeing you too coming back after another outing to gamble, I see that we are still doing well, maybe without the SO, but doing Well just the same; recovery is a progressive process and you are moving forward — it make little differen in the difference that we have is our time in recovery, it is a ODAAT process for each and every one of us.
Keeping the progress on going takes actions on our part. You still get the promotional offers that temp you to gamble, a positive action for you could be following through with choosing to do what you know will help you; following through with the self-banning, or "black-listing" yourself, will stop the mailings and give you a serious reason to resist any of the bell that are calling you to gamble.  You know that you are the one that is making the choices to gamble loosing everything, and know that you are the one responsible for making that choice, so self-banning will be a good tool for you to use to give you time to think rationally; time to realize that the ******* casinos are not an option for you. One of the earlier members, stephen,  that helped me do SO well, and whose past input still helps me to continue to progress, once posted:
"Fortunately, I have been very strong in recovery for a number of years now. But the addiction is there trying to fool us when we become strong in recovery, sometimes tugging at us like saying, "Go ahead Steve, you can spend a few dollars on that lottery ticket, it’s only a few bucks, it’s chicken feed money is all, you won’t even miss that little money, and who knows you could become a millionaire"…..and that’s when I say "FU" to the addiction…because I know where that type of behavior would lead to…and I’m not going back there.
To those out there struggling which used to be me, the addiction would say, "Come on Steve, sure you’re broke and in debt, and sure you’ve lost countless amounts of money over the years from gambling, but at this point ya might as well take what little money ya got, and buy those lottery tickets or try other gambling games because that gambling hot streak, that big gambling jackpot hit, could be right around the corner, could even be the next bet makes ya rich."
It’s a tough addiction, but the solution to a gambling problem is never more gambling…the solution to a gambling problem is to stop gambling and stay in recovery…otherwise…the problem only gets worse".
It helps to read the post of others, even  earlier ones like stephen that were here before us, their struggles, and success, gives us another look at this problem that we seem to partially cover up in our own lives; but even then we have to accept that it is us that we are reading about, that in the feeling we get here of not being alone we also need to involve ourselves in what is helping others, and separate ourselves form the things that do not work. 
Hopefully I am not sounding hypocritical in that I too recently gamble and failed to do what I knew was best and am recommending here, but this addiction is an overpowering disease that causes us to do the unthinkable when circumstances are right, and  we find ourselves unguarded, or are feeling too SO well that we think that we are immune to that addictive power and the compulsive gambling that comes after any next bet. "Don’t make the next bet and you will not have to worry about the second and other ones".
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Keep your guard up. Keep active and involved. 
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

 
I did want the chance to add to the "banning" debate. …

Good evening Bettie,
First Happy New Year, hopefully it will be a better one for all that found 2012 to be a challenge. This was my forth one during resent years that was not celebrated at a casino, New Year’s Eve and Day represent a transition form the past to the future, but are only a couple of and a part of all the days of our lives; my "new year" started on October 17th. 
To address your "joining" in on this discussion, you did not hijack my thread, my post are not only for my benefit but are also shared here for others to read, and to respond with their thoughts and comments. And your reply. alone with the one following by Cc, only adds to the thread that intertwines between my topic and others.  I do feel that such subjects and interchange might be better addressed in the Overcoming Problems Forum, but it seams that it is easier to use these journal pages that to separate things that are relevant to both forums.
The replies to banning go to support each of my views. Banning does not stop us from gambling in all cases. But it does eliminate the casinos from sending advertisements and enticements; it helps us turn a death ear to the casinos drumming their offers, promotions, and temptations into our lives.  And it does give us time to think and helps detour the thoughts of trying our luck on not being caught in an embarrassing and illegal situation, fear of this addiction consequence may just be the one that will help if the others lose their challenges. And self-bans must be working in many cases or the casinos would not make it so hard to ban; even in Missouri, the groundbreaking State for self-banning, the casinos have finally weakened its usefulness by successful lobing for the initial lifetime ban to be reduced to a few years.  First they were able to have the requirement for each gambler to check in with identification and just enter at will, a restriction that required the casinos to refuse entry to those that were banned and tried to gain entry, now anyone can enter if they look old enough — there are penalties for the casinos for allowing minors to gamble, but not for those that have banned. Now that they have undid the lifetime ban, they will continue to work at weakening it even further — next will be a chance to cancel the ban whenever someone feel that they are "cured".
As for the sharing in the amounts of money lost, I find no problem with anyone doing it, like I have posted before, and as Applefarm supports in his reply, if that makes them more aware and accountable it can do them a lot of good. The worst and most obscene argument that I have heard against it is by a few that thinks it is bragging more than admitting. The best, yet still lacking, argument is that it might give some the excuse that they have not gambled as much as others so they are not as bad — but the truth is that "bad is bad" no matter with the degree, and that those that see it that way will fine another excuse; they have yet to surrender.
Well that is enough for me this evening on Overcoming Problems, maybe more discussion or debate later on this or other ways to overcome; being aware is a tool equal to banning.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting and responding to other’s post.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by applefarm

… Have you now banned yourself  …
… What amount did you "donate" …
Good evening all,
First to all here, I wish you and yours a very Happy New Year; a gambling free year to the CGs, and one that is less troublesome and heartbreaking to our Friends and Family members, and a very productive one to the GT office.  The end of one year and the beginning of a new one gives reason for reflection on the past year, and perhaps even some resolutions for the future; but for a CG it is just another day in recovery and one for living the best that we can — recovery takes no holiday, nor does a holiday give reason to forgo our efforts.
Carol, it is good to hear from you, and I am happy that you enjoyed your trip. I was a bit surprised that you drank pina coladas and not Margaritas.  My Christmas was a blessed and enjoyable one, a gathering of family and friends to celebrate the Season, and the reason for the season.  I have no cute stories about my granddaughter, at least none that would top yours concerning your wardrobe, but she was cute and did add to the festivities in her amusing and imaginative way, and with a self planed directed musical and dance performance.  
Applefarm, it is good to get a post from you as well; and thanks for the clue in answer to my earlier inquiry. As for your questions, first, I seldom speak of the amounts of dollars that I gamble, it does me no good and I can not see how it would help any others either. However, I can understand others listing the dollar amounts that they lose, it seams to help some to be able to see their losses in black and white. The casinos use chips and vouchers to blind us the real money values, so when we can see it on paper it presents a good visual impact and awakening.
I will say that the amount the I "donated", that is the expendable money that I normally use for entertainment or blowing away in other ways, was only a couple of hundred, but that donation when fast. After that, the money that I "gambled" as a compulsive gambler equaled to a little over a few months income; I don’t have that much coming in, but a few months worth thrown away was a big blow on the budget. I got the gambling money by making ATM withdraws, writing a hot check, and taking an advance on a credit card; the worst part about my getting that extra money is that it wiped out the savings that I was hopping to use to visit my daughter in France, or have her visit here. So no matter if the amount would be considered great or small by others, just as for any other’s losses – all is relevant, it was substantial and devastating to me. And then to add to these problems, during my binge I won and loss a couple of jackpots, payouts that are recorded with the Government, that I now face paying taxes on.
I am also a little reluctant to speak about my self-banning, I do not want to encourage others to follow my thoughts.  I have not self-baned even though I recommend it highly to those that are looking for barriers t help them not gamble. I know, or suspect, that banning would not be much help to me, if I wanted to gamble, I would ignore the ban and gamble. Unlike some other countries around the world, and seemingly yours with its de-addiction program and diligent use of recognition computer programs,  here you are only found out if you cause trouble, make a spectacle of yourself, try to use the ATM, or win a jackpot, and at that time it is just a trespassing charge and all of the chips you have on hand and any expected winnings are taken away. The trespassing charge is only embarrassing and normally only consist of a fine, unless it is a court ordered ban, then it is a contempt of court charge or a probation violation that carries more harsh penalties.  When I do suggest a self-ban for other I also stress the need to have a mental ban in place. 
I know that you have questions about self-banning and will list a couple of sites that address it in my reply to you instead of on your thread. One is just an excerpt and introduction of broader findings — findings with lots and lots of words -lol, but it gives a small look at reasons to and not to ban; you will fine it here: http://online.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/1092188041427300?journalCode=glr. Another site is http://www.ncrg.org/resources/publications/issues-insights/research-self-exclusion-programs. Ironically for me, the first banning program was started here in Missouri. This is not to steer you away form self-banning,  I still recommend it, but with emphasizing that it should be accompanied by a mental ban and is done as a barrier and tool, and not as a transfer of responsibility.
Again a Happy New Year to all. God’s speed. Stay strong.  Keep aware, and act on that awareness.
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.– 12/31/2012 5:15:35 AM: post edited by paul315.

[paul315]

Originally posted by Kathryn
… Today is my mothers birthday …
… So, for today i will not think of the bad and sad.  I will think of my gorgeous mum and smile.  Happy Birthday Mammy.

Good morning Kathryn,
Please relate my best wished to your mother on her birthday, you have made us part of your family here so I feel good in joining in on celebrating her 82 years of experiencing the adventures of life. I also will take this time to wish you and yours a Happy New Year, even if entering into it holds some sadness alone with the more gorgeous thoughts.
Also, I am sorry to here about her illness and the strain that it is having on you. You are in a better position to know about the medical findings of alzheimer’s, and I have only been acquainted with others where their loved ones has endured this disease, and have not had to deal with it in a more personal way.  But in hearing about the memory losses, I in my strange way see it as more of a concern that we face than such a realistic one for them.
Other than the serious dangers of forgetting about harmful things, or about taking medicine or care of ourselves, and also the aggravation of trying to remember something that we are not able to in such an extreme way, I believe that when caught up in that world of complete forgetfulness, they are finding and experiencing a different contentment or even some happiness that we can not, something that they will never be able to express or us imagine. When they are outside our world and earthly thoughts, and the values and restrictions we place on life, they are in God’s hands and using His knowledge and ways.  The only thing left for us is to do like you said, is to know them even if they do not know or recognize us; to show them love, and provide for comfort, safety, and relief for any pain.  Sorry if I might come across as being indifferent to your feelings, concerns, or any medical training and knowledge, I only mean to offer a brighter look at this time of emotional and sensitive dealings with the trials and adversities of life. We are all in God’s hands, at His Mercy, and living in His Grace.
God’s speed. My prayers and thoughts are with you and her.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by paul315
… after all " ‘Tis the Season" …

          "and the stockings were hung on by the chimney with care" 
Good morning all,
I have attempted to post Holiday Greetings and Christmas Wishes to a number of members here, but like most everything we try, we run short of time, and even a lacking in the efforts to complete every task. But nevertheless, and with even more conviction, here in my own topic I will post my greetings and salutations to all, to each participating member, each Friends & Family member, each staff member, and to each of those that may only visit and read, including all that may or may not follow in the celebrations of this time or the reasons behind them.
Just as we take care in hanging our stocking in anticipation and planing our celebrations, e.g. "in hopes that Saint Nick will soon be here", and in hopes of giving and receiving gifts that represent some of the love that is shared with those close to us, we need to also take the same care and concentrated efforts in hanging other symbolic stockings that are meant to be filled with the knowledge and strength for us to work at making our lives better for the holidays, and each day in between. If we fail to "take care" and remain diligent, we may find our stocking filled with coal instead of the gifts we need, the gift of living and thinking in a more normal way.
Here is wishing all a Very Merry, "Gambling Free", and Happy Christmas, and a deserving Happy and prosperous New Year.
"God bless us, every one!" ~ Tiny Tim in a Christmas Carol.
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.– 12/24/2012 2:07:45 PM: post edited by paul315.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie

… If you feel you have know one remember everyone here loves you!

Good evening Bettie,
The above quote might not have been meant for you directly , but still it is something that you need to remember when you or feeling down, or when as Stan’s girl Crystal found in reading your post, the times during all your "ups and downs".  I will not go into my thoughts about your downs, this is meant to be a holiday message, but I will start with these few words to reinforce Reds’s advice to you, "The negative self talk will only make you feel worse, so stop it".
I am sure that this Christmas, like mine and many others here, will be a much better one than the ones where you and we were competed controlled by compulsive gambling. Each day that we progress makes each day of our present and future Christmases a better time; this includes all of the holidays and each day in between.  So this Christmas I share with you in celebrating this season with a more open look at life, and with us living a more normal life. Now if we could only fully accept the gift of a more normal way of thinking, Christmas would be a much better time, even better than the improved one that we celebrate this year.
Here’s wishing you and yours a Very Merry Christmas and an ever improving Happy New Year.
God’s speed. Stay strong.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by Kathryn
… This year my presents are wrapped.  This year my bills are paid and i have food in the cupboard.  This year im so excited about Christmas and cant wait … 
To live, that would be a great adventure – Peter Pan
Good morning my friend,
It is good to live in a "Christmas present" with the ghost of Christmases past behind us; and to look forward to the Christmases yet to come instead of carrying the same regrets into the future. Recovery is truly one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves, and to our families.
Thanks for letting me and others share in your adventures of life and the knowledge that you have gained living them.  Wishing you and yours a Very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
God’s speed.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by carole8755
… you’re going to have to post sooner or later … 

Good evening all, Carole and everyone that has read any of my post,
My post tonight is one that is ‘sooner’ than it should be in that it relates mainly to my reclaiming my 60 Day Milestone recognition here and at my GA meeting tomorrow night. The actual date is the 17th, but with it being later in the day now, and my being home for the night, I am confident that I will remain gambling free for the remainder of the day — if only such confidence could carry us throughout each day gambling free. 
Another reason for my posting about my reaching this milestone again tonight is that I have to work tomorrow starting early in the morning and working until late afternoon (inventory time), giving me no time to post, and thankfully no time to gamble either. "Coincidentally", I have worked an extra day each week since my crash that is helping me recover money lost; added hours that I see as being what Vera referred to as a "stroke of luck" or "small miracle" in her topic, and what I replied to as being "supernatural occurrences, or seemingly rewarding coincidences". No matter what these extra hours are seen as, they are nevertheless helping me recover money gambled away, and helping me in my coping with the month of December. The extra income is helping me to buy presents, gifts that symbolize the "Gift" that is the Reason for the Season, and shows recognition to the true meaning behind the "Christian celebration" of a "Mass for Christ’s birth" – Christ-mas. (Other gifts exchanged during this time also help the other-than Christian religious communities, the irreligious population, and any other secular groups, to not feel left out of a glorious celebration). 
Back to my celebrating and reclaiming my 60 Days of being gambling free; I have learned that a return to gambling takes much more than the monies gambled.  The mental and emotional drain on having to face up to our actions, accepting the fact that a "good run" at abstaining is not enough to stay gambling free, and that in awaking the monster, urges that had been lessened are now stronger and more frequent — it is a lot easier to face and conquer an urge when they have not been given added strength by renewing the gambling life.
A case in point was Friday morning when my daughter took me to the bus stop, a stop that is at a casino. Ever since I entered recovery a little over three years ago I have never had a strong thought or lingering desire to gamble while I waited for the bus or for her to pick my up the night before. But that morning she had to be at work early and I had a longer time to wait in the lobby; time that allowed urges to present themselves; and thankfully time for me to concentrate on and let my rational thinking take over the powers of this addiction. Nevertheless, the urge was there, and the thoughts of gambling were renewed, just because I woke the beast that is within.  These are the things that for me are harder to deal with than the loss of money. And these are the thing that I need to deal with and overcome in order for me to reach the next milestone of 90 Days; but it is a ODAAT journey, and if I can do it today, I can do it tomorrow.
In closing I will deter from talk about gambling and recovery, and say that, yes Carole, the other events of Friday, the tragedy that took the lives of many, did weight heavy on me; we had just drooped my granddaughter off at her school, the same as the parents of the murdered 20 children had done, and knowing that none is always as safe as we hope and expect does affect me deeply.  The thoughts and feeling of being helpless to others in the time of need, or of not being on hand to prevent such events, the knowledge that I an mine are safe at home, and the strange amount of a guilt-like feelings that are attached to the glorious relief that it was not her, is reminiscent to the feeling I had when being away from the States during the  9-11 Attacks. Thankfully I recognize that these deep emotions can be the  beginning of depressed feeling, and I can now deal with them in a more better and proactive way.  My thoughts and prayers go out to the families in Sandy Hook, and I will share in the reluctance and fears of people across the States and around the world when they drop off their children at school in the morning; it will be a difficult and scary time.
God’s speed to all, stay strong, keep aware, and keep working at progressing in your recovery.
 LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by carole8755
 
… December is such a tough month for so many people,in so many ways …

Good morning ((( Carole ))),
Thanks for your post, and your concern; and thank you (( (Laura ))) also for the concern you showed in your post to my Pledge thread. And while I am at it I will post my gratitude and phrase here for (((( all )))) the ones that have helped me (a post that might fit best in Flyorra’s new topic, "the Praise thread"). 
December has brought on a lot of mind searching and concentrated efforts at looking at my recovery and life.  It being a Religious time for the Jewish and Christian communities around the world, plus the tie-in to observing the secular National Holiday on the 25th in the States for all, and the "giving of gifts" that is also combined with the "Season" thus bringing all, including the other Religious communities and the non-believers, into the celebration, or hullabaloo depending on ones views, (in addition to the unrelenting bombarding commercialization of this time of year). All of this attention and preparations adds deeply to the stress that gambling has brought on myself and many others — " ‘Tis the Season" carries many different meanings that bare personally on each of us.
Nevertheless., all is going well with me for the most part; "Life is Good".  However, I am having more thoughts or urges for gambling now that I have awaken the beast than when I first started my recovery a few years ago; but I am also finding more strength and confidence in myself and faith in my Higher Power so that I am letting these instances pass without issue.
As posted on 1 November in my Pledge topic, the preamble that we in GA recite at the beginning of our meeting has an expanded meaning to me now that I gambled. My being "caught off guard and under the right set of circumstances" and my depending on defences build around awareness and "will power alone", gave way before some trivial reason for placing a bet — I was staying gambling free more in a philosophical way and change in lifestyle than through a change in all things, the things and character faults that my addiction feeds on. 
This epiphany came after my "crash" causing me to realize that the words on the cover of the GA "Yellow Book", i.e "I sought my soul, but could not see. I sought my God, but He eluded me. I sought my brothers and sisters and found all three" (one of many versions), meant more that my first interpretation where I replaced my soul, my self-will, and my God, my HP, with the help coming form my fellow gamblers. I now see that you did not replace that things that I need to be faithful, I now see that I should have looked upon my brothers and sisters as a way to open my eyes and to see my soul, myself and self-will, and for me to not elude the ways of my God — it was I that had moved away, not Him.
These thought are what I have found helpful since my last gambling binge, and may seem more Religious than spiritual (after all " ‘Tis the Season"), but is meant to be a broader look for using our fellow gamblers as a source of support and encouragement instead of the sole or main source of a defence. Hopefully this may also help others without a religious base find the help that is needed in their lives and journey as well;  "It is principles not personalities", or personal beliefs, that will carry us through the hard times, including the tough month of December.
God’s speed. Sty strong. Keep aware, and be sure to put that awareness to practice. LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by bettie
… "play the tape" …

Good morning Bettie,
As you read over some of the other post here and find words of wisdom, others are reading and finding similar inspiration and sound advice in your words as well, e.g. "play the tape"; playing the tape trough to the end and seeing the outcome of wrongful actions is something that more of us need to practice.
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by paul315

 – One Month Anniversary 
Hi … My name is Larry and I am a Compulsive Gambler.  My last day to gamble was August 13, 2009  —  now October 17, 2012.
While I am very pleased that I can make this statement today, I find it hard to believe … 

A little over three years go I posted the above, and some of the words hold true today as I reclaim reaching a One Month Milestone; today I am happy to be gambling free yet fine it hard to believe that I am starting my continuous clean count over.
Nevertheless I know that for me to begin to renew my Month 2 of staying clean I have to finish this day without gambling, and for me to continue to add to any of my accumulated clean days I have to hold true to my resolve tomorrow and the days to come. To do this I still need you and my other fellow gamblers that I look to for support and strength. Today I again pledge not to gamble and I also again as I did three years ago, "Thank all of you here for the support and engorgement that I have gained through all your post and your sharing of your ways and means to combat this disease. In return for your help I can only offer these few words of advice, make and keep this same Daily Pledge, and travel your path One Day At A Time".
God’s speed.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

[paul315]

Originally posted by vera
… Good to see you have recovered from your "crash" …
        … Time to wise up! …
 
Good morning all, and thanks for your post Vera; and your insight on "urges" or "slips".
In my sharing of my last gambling spree I found no reason to call it a "slip" either, to me a slip is more of a momentary loss of balance that is immediately regained without incident; what I see others referring to as a slip is in reality a "slip and fall", something that is more dangerous. And in my case there was no urge involved either, I did not have a craving or desire to gamble that I could battle and let pass, in fact I did not even slip and fall; like you mentioned, I "crashed". I crashed from my pedestal of working on recovering and strength to live gambling free more than working on strength and courage to not gambling when more hurtful troubles came between me and my resolve. I was prepared for the expected and normal problems and adversities of life, but not the ones that I kept denying and putting off, the truths that I refused to accept and that I finally realized. I always knew that I should "let go" of a lot of things in the past, but when that realization and acceptance just creeped in unexpectedly and let go of me instead of my being the one to turn loose, I crashed.
And while talking about my own thoughts on returning to gamble, my personal thoughts that may or may not conform to others and perhaps more accurate ones, I do not think that I "relapsed" either. This is based on a definition used by GT, and that I find to be more descriptive of this term for a stage of gambling, e.g. "Relapse – The addiction takes hold once more and the individual re-enters the pre-contemplative stage" – the pre-complative stage being one where "The problem is not identified and there is no motivation for change". I know of my problem and am learning about this addictive disease during my work at combating it and recovering from its consequences, now it is time for me to "wise up" and put to use the important things that I have found: this is a baffling and insidious addiction and none of us or immune or above falling victim to its power and control; that a Higher Power is needed and can help in my overcoming this disease; and more important, I am not that HP, it is not by my will or desires that I will continue to progress, it is by His.
My sharing of my thoughts above is a lead in about my taking actions to "work at combating it and recovering from its consequences". Yesterday I attended our GA conference in the Saint Louis area, one that I was looking forward to until my crash; I survived my telling of my gambling to ones that knew me but facing others was another story and I was quite reluctant to go, I had to force myself into not thinking that it would be hypocritical of me to attend a conference for the strong of heart; a conference that was in truth one for all recovering compulsive gamblers that are facing life and all of its adventures, trials and rewards alike. Coming face to face with others that I wrongly felt that I had no business being around seemed impossible for me to do, others that are really not strangers at all when we think in a right frame of mind knowing that we are all deserving of a better life no matter what stage of recovery we are in (recovery is where we meet strangers, our "fellow gamblers", and reminisce and share feeling as if old friends; and recovery is about progress, not perfection).
It turned out to be a very beneficial meeting to me, and I am sure to others as well, it was not hard for me to be at one with my self and with others; and not even hard for me to naturally interact in discussions on matters that I may be weak in; strong on knowledge, but weak at being able to completely following through with. "Coincidentally" there was even a chance for me to come clean (to "admit to other human beings the exact nature of my wrongs") with all the "strangers". Nevertheless there was one moment that hit me hard. At the closing when we lined up in a circle to light a candle by the flame of the one before us, a circle beginning with the one with the most uninterrupted clean time and ending with the one with the less, it was an emotional experience for me to be at the end and not nearer the middle.
However I felt that my being at the end also had a positive point, I was not the last, and the last one coming after me was actually a new member of my GA meeting, a member that I had not met yet, but one who I could share my experience and a warnings to stay on guard. That just like when we all blew out our candles in unison without regard of how long we were clean, we were all just as susceptible of having our "last bet" date to be changed by the ill fated breath of our addiction. A realization that some may recall me telling of after my first conference a few years ago, and now one that was dramatically renewed for me. I am fully grateful for the opportunity and the strength that I found to continue with my recovery; we all have a next bet in us, but we are none guaranteed another chance at recovery", I may have lost at gambling, but I won back my change of not having to face pursuing "the gates of prison, insanity, or death (suicide)".
God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep aware. Keep working at progressing and living gambling free. 
Larry
Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.– 11/4/2012 5:13:04 PM: post edited by paul315.

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