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Well i got my head back on the right way round again yippee.. went to a meeting again and feel i am back in recovery again, so looking forward to seeing my counsellor this week.. I didn’t realize i would miss it so much so it shows me that it is doing me good. I feel relief after i go there and chat. I always think i won’t have anything to say yet i don’t seem to shut up the whole time i am there. Today i am happy to wake and know i can have a gamble free day today, my head along this journey kept saying you won’t make it, you can’t do it, look at your history, what’s the point you will fall eventually. Today i am going to work on changing those thoughts once more to you know what, i can do this, i am doing this and i am now living a gamble free life.. have been for some time now so it is possible, and if i can do it for the last time ive been doing it for i can also do it for today… I think that i was being tested last week.. I think that it was temptation and somehow getting through those tests and being so close to gambling and feeling like its impossible to coming out without gambling has made me stronger today. Maybe it was me finally letting go. Maybe its just what will happen through recovery and i have to deal with it each time it does.. No matter what happens today, i dont have to gamble. No matter what. I feel things changing, i feel i am changing. Its been a very slow long drawn out process of four years trying to stop. It has taken the full four years of relapsing and being knocked down and getting back up time after time after time to get to a point today where i feel i can actually do this. I think it is different too when you have someone asking you to go get help or being found out. I was not found out or busted, or was not accountable to anyone. I chose to go get help, but it has taken this amount of time for me to actually feel that i am at a place that i can do it. I cant ban, i handle my own finances and no one is checking up on me. However with the help of here and GA and a higher power of my own understanding and counselling. I believe today i can live a gamble free life. That week of close calls has actually been part of the process of me letting go i think. However, i am aware of what addiction is, i am fully aware of it now. It is very very powerful and very sneaky. I know one thing, addiction is out to kill. It wants to take me down, the aim of addiction is to ruin me. it will if i let it. Today after years of help i can say, i will not let it.
This is how i feel today! Tomorrows another story but i will face that when its today hahaha..
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Hey Cat thanks for all those smileys, why dont mind do that.. here is mine 🙂
**** it doesn’t look nearly as good as those happy yellow ones. But there is a smile there and that’s that main thing, thanks for sending them to me Cat.
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Well, got through the day, it wasn’t hard today to get through, had those urges in the morning, went to work, ate lots of food which i am not posting on the feel good thread because i ate way too much, did not fulfill my exercise promise and saying i will start it tomorrow.. haha.. yes, procrastinating big time as usual but you know what. I’m ok with it just now because i am not gambling. I feel i have got through a very very trying time and i am hoping the waters will be much smoother from here on in.
I am feeling renewed in my recovery all of a sudden. I actually feel quite content at the minute. Its amazing how things can change when i just focus on the good stuff. I couldnt do that last week but today i can. So maybe tomorrow wont be ok maybe it will but what i can do is focus on now and now feels actually pretty good, a very welcome change. My ***** are so up and down arent they. Oh well.
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How are you going today Suzi.. hang in there.. well done on your barriers
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Aww thanks RG sometimes i am just gobsmacked at the support i receive its just so nice. The urges are with me a lot, i am sick of them but i am still moving forward and just doing what i have to do. I dont knwo the desire is ever going to not be there to tell you the truth. I loved gambling but its something i know i cant do. I know it in my heart this time that if i go back i am gone.. I will not be able to go once. If the urge are bad for me now after some time up and i am having trouble fighting them i know only too well that if i go back once, if i put one dollar in a machine there will be no one day of gambling for me, there will be an all out frenzy and i do not know if i would find my way back here, in my heart i just know it.. it is all or nothing for me and with gambling it has to be nothing. I want to go so badly some days that it makes me cry.. its something i cant do, i have to let it go. Goodbye gambling.
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Hi Lizbeth that is so nice that you and your daughter are growing closer together. That will be a help to you emotionally in these days.. i admire that you are not gambling through the stress you have been through. It is a wonderful thing that you have faced all this yet you didnt go into a full on relapse. I think i remember you went once but then back on track, dont know how you did it but you did, got straight back on the horse.. off and running again. Well done, i truly admire how you are living these days without gambling and being positive
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Hi Cat
Thanks as always for your support.. it is so wonderful that you have achieved 8 months gamble free!!! way to go that is awesome, now you have reached your longest time you are in for the home stretch, dont worry about the date, just each day at a time as you are doing. You are doing the days toward a gamble free life and you are living it now that is just amazing, good for you.
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I am in for July a day at a time.
(Go away urges, PLEASE)
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Hi Kathryn
Here’s another coffee coming your way, thanks for posting to me today.
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Hi thank you friends for your posts… I have had a really bad few days and I am still not there yet but I have a counselling session soon which i am hoping will help me. I have had really really bad anxiety, panic attacks, sadness. Its just an accumulative thing after dealing with some stress for a little while and its built up and built up. I did drive to a venue 3 days in a row. In a total frenzy i went there and i was absolutely unstoppable till i went to get out of the car and each time i got so angry then burst into tears and drove away. It was actually like being pulled toward a magnet and fighting to get away but I did. It was a very strange thing that happened. I feel like a total lunatic actually that i did that, but i did not gamble, i used a **** of a lot of petrol driving round the place though. I just felt crazy and i can see that when stressful things happen and especially when it involves finances too i react that way. it must be inbuilt in my memory that this is the solution to my problems. I know its not. The solution to any of my problems will never be gambling it will only give me more problems. My family are all scattered all arguing because there are financial things going on. it will effect my future too. but i just have to hang in there each day and stop projecting forward, what happens happens and i will just have to accept that and face what comes each day. One day at a time. I felt like i couldnt breathe for a while. I am trying to stop worrying. All i can do is live in this day as best i can. Deal with only what happens today with everything not just with gambling. I cant stop worrying about things lately so thats what i have to do. It has triggered the panic and anxiety and depression in me again and i was doing so well. It just disappoints me how quickly i have gone backward but just like everything i gotta keep trying, i have to move forward and i have to just stay in today. phew… off to work i go.– 7/2/2013 9:21:45 PM: post edited by P.

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I want to hear all the details of your trip Bettie.. love reading of you both catching up i think its fantastic to do that.
Hope you and Debbie had a fun filled time together. You go girls.
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Hi Kathryn
Thanks for your post.. glad RG has started a thread its going to be great. You are the inspiration reaching your goal weight, congratulations that is wonderful. Ive got a looooooong way to go but it has to start somewhere right.
I hope you have a great day today K and i look forward to sometime seeing you for a chat
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Hey Bettie
Enjoy your time you girls, that is so good that you keep in touch and catch up
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Hi Larry wonderful to see your post, i do miss seeing them round the place and glad you are doing so well in living the gamble free life
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Hey Bettie. Love that u and Debbie are catching up again. Enjoy the game.

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