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Wow a new forum!! Nice 🙂
I will post a bit more later, going through some very emotional and trying *****, I have missed this place.

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Hi Libbie
I hope that you are going well and i was just wondering how things are going. I like what you write. I too have compassion for people with addiction, if its booze or ***** or anything really. It is the obsession that destroys us no matter what our poison. I feel i am unable to judge anyone really. I look forward to reading more of your posts, i think you have a kindness that shines through.
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Hi Carole
I am glad you are feeling a bit better, its like a roller coaster some ***** isnt it.. we just have to ride those waves of emotions and do the best we can.. how cute the cat with different coloured eyes. I love my cat she is the best company in the world and gives me so much joy. I can just sit and watch her, she is a little crazy like her owner!!
Have a good night Carole and i look forward to maybe seeing you in chat some days
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***** Lorraine
I hope that today was a good one for you and i look forward to chatting with you again at SH.
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Thanks Carole for your post.. I love all those animals you feed, i love animals too and for some periods of my life i pretty much just had animals in my life and not people. I am feeling better about things with each passing day. I have a full day planned today, fun for the little family. Then later tonight hopefully i can go to a meeting. I am starting to feel a little more energetic i was so exhausted after this relapse i literally could not move. I went to work and came home and had to just *** down. Before and after work, i couldnt move and i used every ounce of energy to work. I wanted to stay home but i need the money and i dont like letting the boss down. I am really looking forward to a few days off and i feel this is going to help me get my bounce back. I have a plan in my mind. I want to start the de cluttering process. For me when i do this i am always getting toward a healthier state of mind. I weighed myself, im still the heaviest i have been and i have a plan for that, just simple walking. I am to do it a couple of ***** a week and go for a long walk near the water and birds, it makes me feel calm and relaxed and used to be my way of coping with stress till i found those dreaded machines. Machines that will hopefully be in the past now. I feel a new found freedom.. cant quite explain it just that I dont see me going back to the madness. I honestly dont think i would survive it. My relapses dont go for a few hours, they go for months on end of madness and being totally out of control.. it destroys me. To be totally honest if i could go once every now and then i would but i do know, after six years that this is never going to be the case.. I dont think i ever got step one.. no amount of literature, counsellors, sponsors, meetings, advice ever got me to step one. The pain i experienced got me to accept step one this time absolutely without reservation. I dont be***ve i would have stopped any other way. I do feel repulsed at the thought of going back. Thats gotta be good. Usually it would have faded by now and i would be back in my delusional thoughts of maybe this time i can just take a little and i will be fine and just have some entertainment. Its kind of embarrassing that i still had those thoughts after six years of proving to myself otherwise. I guess it is what it is though and thats what happened in my journey. I be***ve the only way out of my problem is to have experienced the suffering and absolute despair i felt this time. It totally shattered my ability to get through a normal day and my mental health plummeted to a scary low that i never want to see again.. I can see how this addiction sends people to institutions. I never want to feel the level of insanity that i felt again. Recovery has no comparison to relapsing. Recovery is just going to be my way of life and i will deal with the ups and downs as they come. I have a good counsellor who i trust and feel comfortable with. Today will be a good day. The clouds are shifting and i can see sunshine coming into my life. I need to be my own miracle.
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Hi Bettie
I hope things are working out at work and i hope to see you again some time in chat
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Hi Bettie
I hope things are working out at work and i hope to see you again some time in chat
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Today was a better day. Work has been good, i enjoy going because i can totally focus on something else and i can earn a few dollars to put toward my debt. The debt will be long but all i can do is chip away at it each week and just transfer straight from my pay to the debt. That way it will happen and i just need to be patient and see that this is just how it is, this is the consequences of my actions. Today i caught up with a friend and tomorrow i am going out to do family stuff. I have meetings structured in my diary, i have counselling sessions and i am saying prayers every day for strength and the ability to change. I will change my life. I have started. I will look at the positives in my life. i will look at the things i do have to be thankful for. i will push through when i am feeling lazy and unmotivated and i will do my best to change the things i need to about myself. Its a big task but i have the rest of my life to work on it. I want the rest of my life to be good. Ive been through a lot from a young age. ive faced many demons. This gambling demon has tried its best to derail me from this life but now i have turned the tables and I am taking the train of recovery to a healthy and happy life.
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P.S. thank you for all your support from far across the seas, wish we lived closer
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Thank you Geordie, i wondered how you were going and i am really pleased to hear that you are ok now.. I am getting there slowly slowly.. the days are going slowly forward but I am pretty determined to kick this addiction. I wont give up.. Felt like i was definately not going to make it there at one stage but today i actually think i can. I think you have to be pretty badly mangled to attempt recovery and want it.. I would have to say that now i am pretty badly mangled. It took what it took to get me to see clearly and move on. Not much interested in dates and the time factor but i didnt gamble today so im doing ok considering. The hardest part for me is letting go of the guilt. I didnt have much debt before but now i do, i will be paying it for a while and its a sore reminder of where ive been. I thank god really that this pain and absolute desperation has shot me into recovery like nothing on earth. I dont believe i could do another relapse. i dont believe i would survive it so really i think its survival skills coming out.. Im doing recovery to stay alive
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Hi Lorraine
Glad you are here.. I hear what you say.. glad to see you posting here.
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Lots of posts this morning, lots going on in my mind. It is easy to beat myself up and go through the torture of what ive lost and why did i do it and im so stupid etc etc, today i am going to choose not to do that.. I am going to give myself the advice i would give to others as Janey said to me. I am going to as best i can today release the guilt and accept its happened, i accept it was my doing, that i have an addiction but i am doing the best i can to get help. I am taking steps to change my life and within a very very small amount of time it is miraculously changing.. I am going to be kind to myself. My whole life i have hated who i am and been really mean to myself. I have to be my own best friend now. How much nicer are the days if i do that. I didnt want to be an addict to gambling. I didnt want to ruin my life.. I did it. Its done. Its gone. There is nothing i can do about what has happened. There is something i can do about today. My family do not support me in any way shape or form in this and that is their choice. I have support of a counsellor, i have here and i have GA.. thats all the support i need. I do believe there is something more, i do believe there is a higher power with me, somehow i feel it. Somehow i know it. There is guidance coming from somewhere and its not from me. Maybe because ive decided to stop whinging about my life and change what i dont like. Im putting that big emotional stick away that i beat myself with. I do deserve a life.. its taken me wasting most of it to realize it but so be it. I do the best i can today. Its all i have to do. I dont have to be perfect, i just have to change my attitude and believe this is possible and i do. I will give myself the opportunity to recover.
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Cat i am so happy that you and Carole are catching up. I think its wondeful the caring for everybody here. What an adventure. I hope you girls have the best time and i look forward to hearing all about it
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Hi Carole.. dont be hard on yourself, you have come a long way and made great decisions. Everything has changed for you and because you went back to the ways of listening to ex hubby isnt suprising, its been with you for a long time, the thing is you recognized this. I think you have done really well Carole. I am glad you did what you did, many people stay in marriages through fear of the unknown or being alone. It takes a strong person to go it alone sometimes.. I must be saying i am strong too then haha.. anyway i am great at giving advice to not beat yourself up so i am going to take the same advice regarding my gambling days.. Those days are gone for me now. I just know it. Keep your chin up Carole. Love that you have your kitties close and you are becoming independent.
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I am thinking more and i think the only way i could stop is if i got to this point of pain. I think unless i experienced big loss, partial insanity and just wanting to die that i would have kept going. Its a shame that this is what it takes. But it has happened this way and it cant be undone. I still feel so guilty for what ive lost. For who i became. I don’t think i could ever go back to it, or is it just that i am fresh off the relapse. Doest feel like it though. Feels like im done. 🙂

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