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So relieved to hear your daughter is ok and sad for the person who died.. addiction is so crazy. I am struggling badly, i am glad to read you are ok though and you are getting through back with your little grandson, wow what a difference you make to his life.
You should be so proud of how far you have come.

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I love your strength in this recovery.. you have done a great job. I really admire you. You are facing life and its problems without gambling and always so kind offering advice and help to others.. i really thank you for being here Cat. Im struggling badly, have ruined myself really.. but i am here. Its words like yours that keep me going, we never know when we are helping someone

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I cant sleep… arrrrrghhh.

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Hi i am just sending you good thoughts and i hope some word from your daughter arrives soon.. you are a brave and strong woman.. also very kind. I am thinking of you.

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Thanks Cat and Monique
I appreciate your words.. I am really struggling to hang in there but i am doing all i can. I went to GA meeting and it was good helped me a little. I just feel so unsupported in my life. I am thankful for what i have. I used to have a close family but it is all fragmented now and just separate and really doesnt seem to matter if i am in trouble emotionally or whatever, it just falls on deaf ears and life goes on. I cant expect people to help me but some times i just feel completely unloved. This is definitely a downward phase in my mental health and i really stopped posting at times because i didnt want to have such depressing posts but i need to get it out. I have to be real here and at GA or there is no point. I would love to say that things are great but they are not.. living in my head is a massive challenge at the moment. I wouldnt wish this kind of torture on anyone and thats how i feel at the moment.. It is hard each day, it is painful and i am struggling to get through. I just feel so much pain. I feel so pathetic and weak that i cannot after five years of trying get hold of not gambling. Mentally i am just so fractured. All on the inside. Outside people think i have a sunny disposition.. not here, not at GA. Sorry.. you all cop the real me at the moment and its not pretty. I just pray for strength to get through.

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Thank you all.. pumkin, i can, lizbeth, cat, sad , velvet, vera all who support me.. Im so glad to see you pumkin.. i have wondered about you a lot.. i am so glad you have decided to come back too. I am struggling.. i am having a really hard day.. it was one thing after another today that went wrong.. it was like a cascade of dominoes. I only hope that from this point it gets better. I am having a hard time. I wish i wasn’t but i am. I can barely accept this is who i am and what I’ve become. I have such anxiety inside. Such sadness.. I’m just lost. Im completely lost.

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Hi everyone i appreciate your posts.. i have been so low and through such a bad time emotionally.. things are still bad.. i haven’t gambled in Ten days but i am suffering from this relapse so badly mentally.. I cant get it through my head, I can’t function properly I’m crying all the time, Im forgetting things, i cant concentrate, i cant sleep.. I feel unhealthy, my heart races to the point i feel its going to explode.. my blood pressure has gone up, when i do sleep i have nightmares, I’m scared about the future, Im scared that i will have nothing and no one and i will be in a heap… all this is inside me while i still try to carry on my normal responsibilities, of work, family carer, mum, friend, I’m such a good actress i should have pursued that avenue..
Ive certainly won the golden globe for ruining myself though.. Im an A plus at totally destroying myself.. the question is why do i ruin things when they become good.. why do i relapse when my life is finally peaceful and all going well.. its really sick. Can i ever change this, i dont know. Can i stay in recovery, I’m doubtful. Im trying but i doubt it. Five years of the same old story gives me this doubt. Ive tried everything under the sun. I am my own worst enemy. There is something within that makes me do this and i am really trying to figure it all out. Im going to counselling. Poor counsellor has to listen to all my garble. Im trying my best. I just dont know if its good enough. i dont know if i am. I feel worthless and useless and unappreciated and unloved. Im really feeling sorry for myself.. just being honest. I feel some relief typing these words. I have family but they are really all so separate, all so involved in their own stuff they have little interest in what goes on anywhere else it seems. I have already suggested I’m not coping in my life but that seemed to fall on deaf ears. I have told my doctor and continue to get therapy. Im just desperate to feel better. Its really torture to feel like this. My emotions are crippling… Ive gone from not feeling a thing to being so overwhelmed with feeling that i cant hardly sit still. I just feel pain, i feel helpless, i feel totally out of control..

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Thank you all for the support. It does help.. just in a bad place it really is going to take some time. I’m trying my best i just get sick of the same old story coming out of my mouth, same old story but just gets worse and worse and worse.. i used to feel positive about recovery and i used to feel hey maybe this time is it, but its been too many times now that it goes the same way.. i think i have a self destructive part of me that just won’t let me find happiness or i really am just so mentally ill that its not going to be possible. Im sick of myself and i am sick of what comes out my mouth. I appreciate the posts they did give me some upliftment.. i just dont know what to say anymore.. just 8 days gamble free and i just dont know what to do.

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Hi thank you all for replying to me.. I am still in a pretty bad place emotionally but i have stopped crying.. I cried for Six days.. after not crying for years. Still all over the place just doubtful of how i will get through. I think after Five years of trying and relapsing what hope do i have really.. i kind of think if i was going to make it i would have by now…

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Great to see you giving recovery a go too.. I’m back but very very hard time right now.. but i just gotta keep trying, whats the alternative.. never want to feel this again.. thanks for posting to me too by the way and one day at a time is all we have really.. just for this day..

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I hope that things are ok with your mum.. i am a carer for my mum. Just hope that things are all ok.. glad you are finding your way with what you want in your life ..
Glad you are not gambling.. very hard for me right now just hanging by a tiny thread to my sanity

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I hope that things are ok with your mum.. i am a carer for my mum. Just hope that things are all ok.. glad you are finding your way with what you want in your life ..
Glad you are not gambling.. very hard for me right now just hanging by a tiny thread to my sanity

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To be honest I’m not much of a crier, something happened to me emotionally where i turned into this block of ice.. it just never melted, from someone who was pretty much a marshmallow i became an ice brick. For Four days i have cried. I am all over the place emotionally.. wanting to die one minute thinking I’m ok the next, crying, blubbering.. emotional breakdown is here.. its all due to my relapse, its hard after doing so well… to be back here, to be at a worse point than before.. I dont know, i just let the tears roll, cant really stop them.. I look forward to a day now when i dont feel tormented by my own self..

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Hi Lizbeth
Thank you for your post to me.. not in a good place right now but i just have to get through the days again. Time will heal as they say and this may take a whole lot of time… pretty devastated but the posts from everyone helps lift my spirits so thank you for thinking of me.. glad to see you are going so well in your gamble free life.. well done

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Hi Lorraine

I was really glad to hear from you. You said you wont bother me again??? I love hearing from you. I hope you are ok.

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