[notyoung56]

I am meeting this gentleman I met in 2013 for coffee later. The last time we have met, and talk was in March 2022.

My life has improved ever since 2013. I was heavily in debt, unemployed, and I was chased by many money lenders, I was very stressed. My mum was diagnosed with cancer and hospitalized at that time, and I could not take care of her and my family. It was a very painful time for me, I was very sad, depress, and beating myself.

I am still heavily in debt, and unemployed now, I was stressed but it was much more stressful in the past. I could not take care of my family on my own, but I have not stop contributing to the family since 2017. It was painful but it was more painful in the past.

It was a result of my fallenness, my disobedient, and unbelief and I have continued to live in the wilderness for many years. I did not forget about reading a journey that took 40 years, much longer than it was supposed to take.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

You say, “My counselor set me free about a month ago and said I didn’t need his help anymore.”

Well, if your sponsor set you free, I am sure you will get a new sponsor.
Maybe it is time for you to find a new counsellor who can teach you how to detach yourself from the people that you help.
A counsellor is not a supermarket that you go to when you need something.
A good counsellor regularly checked your thought, feeling and emotions on good days and bad days.

[notyoung56]

I have prepared for my last day at work after 4 months and when it come, I still felt sad, it still took me 2 days of good rest before I can write about this loss. The weather is cool and wet, unfortunately this change triggered my eczema and put me in a vulnerable position, I become weak and disturb.

It is easier said than done, I should pray and read more, I should practice the program, at this moment, I am struggling to do the same thing that has kept me safe.

As long as I am working, I can be the provider at home and be the good pay master to the bank.
I do not have this problem when I was young but now, I struggle to hold on to any job
I can only do my best and when I lose a job, I need to quickly get a new one.
It has work but it was a struggle.

It was not a common route taken by others.
Imagine if I want to stay employed for 40 months and I can only hold each job for 4 months
I must be prepared to do 10 different jobs to keep my recovery going.
I have no time to feel disappointed, depressed, sink into self-pity, self-beating and do nothing
I must immediately put my next baby step forward each time.
This is the resilience, perseverance and positiveness strength that a survivor must developed inside.

[notyoung56]

Hi Jvr3419

You say that “I’ve been struggling with my codependency issues and wanting to help everybody lately. I’ve had to remove a lot of people out of my life in the last few weeks because it was weighing on my mental health.”

I can understand what you mean, I have been there and done that. Like you I choose to remove people out of my life or walk away from toxic people, but I notice that the psychologist and counsellor cannot walk away from their clients, this is the main difference between trained professional and not, they are able to detach themselves from the people they are counselling.

Just wanted to let you know that I have read your journal. I care about your well-being and feel that your recovery must come first.

Best Wishes

Kin

[notyoung56]

My eczema is causing me stress today
There is no need for me to panic
It will go away after a few days

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

How many signs am I going to ignore?
Am I going to walk around in circle and perish in the wilderness?

True repentance is the softening of my heart.
I need to be broken completely,
my thought, my stubbornness, my pride needed to be crushed
before I can be mold into something new.

I need to trust the potter’s hand.

[notyoung56]

spatial relate to or occupying space

I woke up and my mind knew I have free time, I started to look at my available cash and available gambling events. My mind saw an opportunity to gamble and was making plan. It all started with free time. I did not struggle for too long. I did not follow my mind. I fill up the time listening to music and songs and the free time was gone immediately.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

[notyoung56]

Today I was in deep thought after reading something. It reminded me of recovery.

The Command to Leave Horeb

Deuteronomy 1-2
1 These are the words that Moses spoke to all Israel beyond the Jordan in the wilderness, in the Arabah opposite Suph, between Paran and Tophel, Laban, Hazeroth, and Dizahab. 2 It is eleven days’ journey from Horeb by the way of Mount Seir to Kadesh-barnea.

Why did it take the Israelites 40 years to make an 11day journey?

“The 40 years Wilderness wandering” refers to the plight of the Israelites due to their disobedience and unbelief in God.

The Israelites had seen the powerful hand of God at work during the plagues and miracles of the Exodus. Yet, like many people, they walked by sight and not by faith, and their unbelief displeased God.

“Without faith it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:6). Their failure to believe in God’s word kept them from entering the Promised Land.

Their lack of belief in God’s word and promises brought forth the wrath of God. He cursed them with forty years of wilderness wandering walking around in circles.

In Deuteronomy 2:3 NIV
Then the LORD said to me, 3 “You have made your way around this hill country long enough; now turn north.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

gambling not only made me lose my money
gambling steals my inner joy
gambling robs my inner peace
gambling kills my relationship with my God, family and friends
gambling destroys my recovery

If I knew the thief is coming to my house
I will stay up and wait for the enemy
I will remain vigilant and guard against the thief
I will protect my house or my recovery

[notyoung56]

I should have named my thread “Living in the Wilderness for 40 years”

[notyoung56]

What is my role and responsibility?
Gambling did not happen by accident. It was an opportunity, it was planned.

What is my role and responsibility to keep myself safe?

I refer to this previous post.

An addict pattern theory provides analysts with an organized way to explore patterns of behavior.

Space awareness refers to being aware of my surroundings and my position relative to them.

It was important to know:

Where is the danger?
Yesterday I had access to incoming cash

How far is the danger?
Danger was very near

Am I in danger?
Yes – I had space awareness. I can sense the presence of danger.

How to keep my safety perimeter secure?
I remove the easy access to cash

How to flee from danger?
I walk away from any nearby gambling premise.
I keep my time occupied and busy.
I have no access to excess cash.

When to walk away from danger?
Immediately

Dealing with stress from physical, mental and emotional health issues, work and money issues, lack of sleep, loss of loved ones, relationship or living problem is a different subject. There are cognitive behavioral therapy, self-management and recovery training, 12 steps recovery program, mindfulness exercise, spiritual, religious programs to help.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

I continue to suffer because I did not know my problem and I did not know how to seek help.
Recently I can recognize and see myself in the many patients that I was serving

Many are not depressed but they are different and not normal
Why are they so restless, irate, and easily agitated
Why are they discontented and frustrated
I look at their medical history and they are all seeking help for anxiety

I am no different from these people, I am very sure I suffer from anxiety disorder.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

What did I learn in my suffering?
What did I learn from my mistakes?
How and where can I change?
How do I find peace in everything?
How do I find happiness in my suffering and mistakes?
How does mindfulness help me?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

I only found employment for 3 months on one job and 4 months on the current one.
I was unemployed for 4 months and the current is terminating my service this month.

I need to quickly find something for December.
One more month and I completed this year.
It was exactly what I wanted. I cannot ask for more.
I was grateful for the half full glass.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

What is my thought a second ago

I have fallen off my bike many times
I get back up and continue moving forward

I may fall off my bike again,
I cannot allow it to stop me from trying

So many setbacks, so many disappointments, so many relapses
I took one baby step forward at a time
days become week, weeks become month, months become year
After so many years, I have travelled from this end to that end

My story was never about how many times I have fallen down
It was always about how many times I have get back up the hard way
sound like the snake and ladder game I played when I was young

It was about not giving up
The only thing I can do is pray and do my best

I believe one day the impossible will become possible
as long as I do not give up, I will finish the snake and ladder game

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