[notyoung56]

One moment the money was there
the next moment the money is gone
I woke up from my sleep and realize the money is gone
It was so sudden
This is what gambling does to me

I do not wish to let this happen to me again
The only way to do this is not to have anything to do with gambling

[notyoung56]

3 days after a string of posts here looking at my position
with relation to my mental, physical, emotional and behavioral limitation, weakness and handicap.

I felt powerless, helpless and hopeless over the things I cannot control on one hand
But on the other hand, I am not totally helpless and hopeless
I just have to focus on the things that I can do.

Knowing I am impatient and cannot wait when I suffer from anxiety disorder.
Any feeling of danger, threat, and fear that something bad is going to happen to me will cause me
to panic and react, I will either fight, flee or freeze and many time I will act out in gambling and alcohol.
Knowing that the danger, threat and fear is not real and not true
I can do nothing and wait for the peace and calm to return

One day at a time.
I am grateful.

[notyoung56]

Acute stress response such as Fight, Flight or Freeze is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to Fear, Danger, Harmful Event, Attack, or Threat to survival.

When I was unwell, I flight from my responsibility, and I fight when there was no real fear, harm, and danger. It has got me into trouble.

I did all the wrong thing and self-destruct in the process; I destroy my life.
This was my story.

[notyoung56]

As I go thru all the posts since 25/11/2022 in my journal
It shows the battle that I am facing
I am fighting mental illness and addiction at the same time
It is dual diagnosis

[notyoung56]

These words describe what I was going through and how I was feeling before I gamble

Some type of anxiety disorder

Anxiety disorder which are excessive, uncontrollable worry about everyday issues such as health, work or finances.

Panic disorder which are sudden intense episodes of fear, worry and avoiding situations.

Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) which are unwanted thoughts and impulses (obsessions), causing repetitive, routine behaviors as a way of coping with anxiety.

What are the symptoms of anxiety disorders?

One of the main symptoms is having difficulty managing your fears and worries.

Anxiety may cause you to feel:
like something bad is about to happen
like you’re in danger

Anxiety is the mind and body’s reaction to stressful, dangerous, or unfamiliar situations.

It’s the sense of uneasiness, distress, or dread I feel before I gamble out of fear, desperation, powerlessness and helplessness.

[notyoung56]

I do not understand why I behave or act this way
One word describes me now – Unstable

It means that I am likely to give way.
I am prone to sudden change of mood or psychiatric problems.
I am not firm in my decision.
I am likely to change my mind.
I am not steady in my action.
I am likely to fail.

I am in a mess now

Someone sends me a good morning message today that says
Reflection cannot be seen in boiling water. Similarly, Solution cannot be seen with a Disturbed Mind

I cannot fix myself
I need professional help

[notyoung56]

I was questioning myself –
Why did I not stop gambling?
What were my FALSE belief and hope
What were my LIES?

Firstly
I was impatient and discontented financially, it was always not enough
I could not tolerate and accept my lack of money

Secondly
I like gambling
I did not have to work hard and wait for the money in gambling
It was easy. It was quick.

Thirdly
I was afraid of unemployment and loss of income

Fourthly
I was afraid of the hard work and long-suffering working
I was afraid of the stress from working
I was afraid of the mental and physical fatigue

Fifthly
I feel that gambling was a solution to my unemployment, debt, loss of income and lack of money
I hope to increase my money quickly

Lastly
I did not like to stop gambling because I have hope that I can win in gambling

I believe my false hope and lies
I listen to my self-will
I follow my self-will

[notyoung56]

I was introduced to the ideas of my self-will run riot in recovery.

1. Self-will is my stubborn or willful adherence to my ideas or desires
2. It is part of human nature
3. I desire to advance my ambition
4. I strive to make myself the center of the universe
5. I carry out my wishes despite conflict of value and idea.
6. Self-will is selfish, self-centred, and self-seeking
7. I thought I was doing the right thing when I was wrong
8. It was wrong but I am an exception, this time is different.

My self-will gets me into big trouble every time and I do not understand why.

My self-will ignores doing next right thing or good orderly direction or following God’s will

My self-will did not want to sacrifice or give up my selfish desires

My self-will is dangerous and self-destructive. When it takes control of my life, the hole that I was in become deeper and deeper and life become darker and darker.

I need to practice honesty, humility, compassion, tolerance, and patience whether I like them or not. I need to put interest before self and principles before personalities.

I relapse because I did not like to do it. I need to give up gambling whether I like it or not

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

If I am not serious about staying stop
I will allow myself to slip when there is an opportunity
I will change my mind when there is an opportunity

[notyoung56]

What is the benefit if I did not gamble today

I will get good rest and good sleep because I am not spending long hours gambling
I will have money and no stress to service the next loan repayment because I did not risk or lose my money in gambling

[notyoung56]

One moment at a time
I have changed my mind about gambling with the money
Do the next right thing, I can use the same money to service my next loan payment
I will regret losing this money in gambling, it will be painful

One moment at a time
I have changed my mind about going to a gambling place
Do the next right thing, I can watch the same sporting event at home
It was still entertaining and interesting

One moment at a time
I have changed my mind about gambling in my free time
Do the next right thing, I choose to rest at home without the gambling stress
I have enjoyed the rest

I succeeded in changing my mind to gamble today
I did not gamble when I should be gambling

Thought: I need to gamble today
Feeling: I want to gamble today
Action: I did not gamble

I need to practice and stop myself from gambling more until it become something natural for me to do

Thought: I should not gamble
Feeling: I should not be gambling
Action: I did not gamble

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

What am I going to do for the rest of my life
What are the things I can do

What is my limitation, weakness and disability in the mind
I need to focus on the things I can do

[notyoung56]

I cannot remember what gambling has done to me all the time
I cannot remember the pain, heartache and hardship cause by gambling all the time
But I can remember the euphoria and high, and the false hope that gambling can give me anytime

I do not know what happen inside my head
How do you fix something inside the head

I seem to remember all the good feeling about gambling
I had to write about my bad decision and consequences when I chose to gamble

I had to write about the damage and destruction of gambling
I had to write about my foolishness, stupidity, recklessness, laziness when I chose danger
How blind, insensible, uncaring, disinterested and selfish can I be when I chose to gamble
or do things that harm me and others

I have also forgotten how journalling has help me
Journaling helps me remember the disasters
I need to raise my conscious level
I need to raise my awareness and mindfulness
I need to strengthen my protection and defense in the face of temptations and trials
I need to raise my moral level
I need to have a stronger ability to tell the right and wrong
My moral level is low
I would give in to temptation and trial
I would give up my fight to do the right thing at that moment
I need to make the right decision at every moment

One moment at a time
Many moments, many decisions need to be made in a day
I need to have a stronger tolerance, endurance and stamina in the fight to do the right thing

[notyoung56]

I really cannot figure out how I stop drinking and slot machines
they are the reasons I seek help for addiction and the reason that brought me into recovery.
I keep on slipping and relapsing for many years until one day I was able to stop completely.

Drinking and slot machine was my biggest problem 17 years ago.
I need to know how I stop drinking and slot machine completely
because I need to stop all form of gambling completely.

Why didn’t I do it again –
I was afraid
I cannot win
I would lose all my money eventually sooner or later
I would surely lose my mind
I could not stop after I start, it was progressive, I would completely lose control of myself
There was no benefit that I can get from drinking and slot machines
Self-medication with alcohol and slot machine did not work for me
Almost every attempt made matter worst and I regret every time.
Alcohol and slot machine turn me into a different person
Watching myself turn into a sick person was very painful and heart breaking.
Alcohol and slot machine gave me no hope.

Why did I struggle to stop all form of gambling completely?
Why did I gamble?
It was largely due to my beliefs that
I can stop gambling at will whether I win or lose before it become progressively uncontrollable.
I can win money some of the time. I cannot remember the ending of every win was the same all the time, I carry on gambling, and I always lose all the money in the end.
Gambling gives me hope
Gambling can give me the money I want.
Gambling can grow my money.
Gambling can provide me the money to solve my financial problem.

I cannot accept the truth that
Gambling offers me no hope every single time
Gambling steal and rob all my money so quickly before I realize it every single time
Gambling destroyed and wipeout all my saving every single time.
Gambling brings hardship and suffering every single time.
Gambling caused me to lose my self-confident and trust every single time.
Gambling was not the solution to my problem.
Gambling did not solve my financial problem.
Gambling was the cause of my poverty, borrowing and heavy debt every single time.
Gambling was the cause of my family misery; I cannot provide and look after them financially every single time.

No one tell me that gambling, drug, alcohol, and sex can destroy lives and relationship.
They are evil.

This is what happen to me.
I do things that are not pleasing to God.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

I have tried for 17 years. The financial amendment and repairing of relationship only begin to happen in the last 9 years after I have found a Higher Power because I could not do it with my strength, knowledge and skill.

I have many dark secrets that sink me and kept me living in guilt until I made amendment to these people. I was freed in the process. Life was not perfect, just when I thought I can work them like a program or plan, I realized that I can never finish everything on my amendment list. I have to live with my imperfection, limitation, weakness and struggles for life.

Taking inventory helps me to see the progress made in the middle of all my failures, setback, struggles. It was not a hopeless end.

I did not stay gamble free all the time due to my fallenness, I can fail, and I was fallible. I no longer beat myself up like I always used to do. I have learned to pick myself up and try again. I put in the effort. I soon found myself walking on another street for 6 consecutive months this year before I drifted back to the same street. The longest I have stay gamble free was 12 consecutive months in a year… over the last 17 years.

I choose to focus on my half full glass and be grateful now. I do not stay in self- pity and self-beating as a result of my half empty glass. Success in some area has given me endless hope but it does not change the fact that I have my limitation, weakness and imperfections. I need to have a realistic expectation of what I can and cannot do.

I have to live with the thorn in my flesh and Thank God for the mercy and grace. I was walking in the wilderness because I was not ready, I did not learn my lessons, I remained disobedient and did not trust God completely due to my unbelief. The years in the wilderness help me to learn many lessons and prepare me for the good days ahead.

I continue to do things not pleasing to God. I was attracted to sin.
Help me Jesus, help me to follow You like a sheep follow the Sheperd,
You are my Saviour, You are my Lord
Help me Jesus, I pray in the name of the Holy Father, Holy son, Holy Spirit. Amen.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

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