[notyoung56]

Dear diary,

I feel so weak and useless now. I am so sorry.
This is a time that I need to be brave, courageous and strong but all I show is weakness.
My honesty and vulnerability were not enough. I need to put in the effort and hard work.
I need to accept the pain and hardship on the road.
I need to face the reality, not run away, avoid, hide or escape from them like I always do.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

Just when things start to get better
I get hit by another curve ball in life

This makes me feel so alone
I feel that no one can understand what I am going through
I cannot explain to them why I keep getting into trouble

Life can be cruel, harder and more painful for some people
It was not their fault. This is life.

Journaling help keep me sane
It helps me to put my next baby step forward

Every step was heavy for me now

[notyoung56]

“Compulsive gamblers never win. The temptation will be to go back and chase losses. Bad move as you will end up losing more…” ~ Monica

Win I chase, lose I chase. The temptation to place the next bet is very strong.

I ended up losing more every single time when I gamble.

I am a compulsive gambler; I have never win in the end every time.

I will either fall into debt if I am debt free or my debt become more bigger if I am already in debt.

[notyoung56]

I need to check and remind my forgetful mind

I need to take my medicine
1. I need to talk to God.
2. I need to ask God for help.
3. I need to pray to God
4. I need to read the bible
5. I need to listen to pray as you go phone application
6. I need to practice deep breathing exercise

I need to check my new checklist whether my guard is down
and whether I am in danger of going back to my old ways.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is weak and 10 is strong)
1. Am I faithful in staying gamble free?
2. Am I loyal in staying gamble free?
3. Am I obedient in staying gamble free?
4. Am I firm in staying gamble free?
5. Am I committed in staying gamble free?
6. Am I dedicated in staying gamble free?
7. Am I unwavering in staying gamble free?
8. Am I uncompromising in staying gamble free?
9. Am I willing in staying gamble free?
10. Am I willing to endure hardship in staying gamble free?
11. Am I willing to endure pain in staying gamble free?
12. Am I willing to be patient in staying gamble free?
13. Am I willing to practice interest before self?
14. Am I willing to practice principle before personality?
15. Am I willing to practice honesty, humility, compassion, tolerance, and patience with everyone, whether I like them or not?
16. Am I willing to love/treat/offer others like a valuable person
17. Am I willing to surrender/give up/sacrifice my gamble or old ways

[notyoung56]

When I follow me, I, myself
I do the things that I rather do
I did not control myself from doing the things that I should not be doing
I did not stop myself

I did not act like someone who believe in God
I did many things that someone who believe in God will not do
I do not love/treat others like a valuable person
I do not surrender/give up/offer/sacrifice my lifestyle
I am lost for words

When I stop following me, I, myself
I start to stop myself from doing the things that I like to do
I start to control myself from doing the things that I should not be doing

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

Hi Maverick,

Thank you for the good wishes and advice. I appreciate it very much.

[notyoung56]

The pain of regret is the worst pain.
The pain of regret is worse than the pain of discipline.
It is better for me to feel the pain of discipline than the pain of regret.

Discipline is to control yourself to not do the things that you shouldn’t be doing,
even though those are the things that you’d rather do.

When you are disciplined, you are making a choice to do so.
It is a conscious effort.
You have an option whether to gamble, eat healthily and sleep early or not
because it is all in the present.

But when you regret something because you were not disciplined, there is nothing you can do
because it is all in the past.
You can only suffer until you accept the past and let go.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

I feel very unhappy and frustrated to realize that I need to go thru all the inconvenience
and trouble to monitor my recovery daily exactly like my high blood pressure.

Doing the following was like taking my medicine every day
1. I need to talk to God.
2. I need to ask God for help.
3. I need to pray to God
4. I need to read the bible
5. I need to listen to pray as you go phone application
6. I need to practice deep breathing exercise

Answering these questions on my new checklist was like taking my blood pressure measurement
it can inform me whether my guard is down and whether I am in danger of going back to my old ways.

Once a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is weak and 10 is strong)
1. Am I faithful in staying gamble free?
2. Am I loyal in staying gamble free?
3. Am I obedient in staying gamble free?
4. Am I firm in staying gamble free?
5. Am I committed in staying gamble free?
6. Am I dedicated in staying gamble free?
7. Am I unwavering in staying gamble free?
8. Am I uncompromising in staying gamble free?
9. Am I willing in staying gamble free?
10. Am I willing to endure hardship in staying gamble free?
11. Am I willing to endure pain in staying gamble free?
12. Am I willing to be patient in staying gamble free?
13. Am I willing to practice interest before self?
14. Am I willing to practice principle before personality?
15. Am I willing to practice love, honesty, humility, compassion, tolerance, and patience with everyone, whether I like them or not?

It felt like God speaking to me
I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance.
You have persevered and have endured hardships
But I have this complaint against you. You have let your guard down;
you have stop working your recovery and return to old ways
Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first.
If you do not repent, I will come and remove the light in your life

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

When my addiction was making noise and was louder than my recovery
I start to question my strength in recovery for each of them

1. faithful in staying gamble free – weak
2. loyal in staying gamble free – weak
3. obedient in staying gamble free – weak
4. firm in staying gamble free – weak
5. committed in staying gamble free – weak
6. dedicated in staying gamble free – weak
7. unwavering in staying gamble free – weak
8. uncompromising in staying gamble free – weak
9. willingness in staying gamble free – weak
10. endure hardship and pain in staying gamble free – weak

They are an area that I need to improve to resist going back to old ways
At the moment, it didn’t take much to make me gamble

I have progress for 9 months, but I am back to the same starting point now
I am unemployed, broke and heavily indebted again
It was nothing new; everything was the same
I am worried and stressed; I am trying to remain calm

I have received a conditional offer for a new job
and completed my pre-employment medical check up
I may have to wait for another week before I know whether I am accepted for the job

I am suffering from anxiety disorder and my skin is giving me problem
I have panic and become foolish and reckless; I have search for a quick fix and gamble in the past

I worry because I see no way for me
It was not strong, but I still have a little faith
I believe that my Higher Power has a way for me when there is no way
Turning to Jesus Christ means I have to give up gambling completely
Am I ready and willing to give up gambling completely?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance.
You have persevered and have endured hardships
But I have this complaint against you. You have let your guard down; you have stop working your recovery and return to old ways
Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first.
If you do not repent, I will come and remove the light in your life

I am very grateful to have receive this message in the last book from a Higher Power

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

my discipline and commitment, my willpower and determination were not good enough
my endurance, tolerance, stamina and power have a limitation and breaking point, weakness and imperfection
I need to depend on a power greater than me

[notyoung56]

Every single setback, mistake, failure and relapse hit me hard
They would paralyze me; I can suddenly lose all the energy and will to carry on
I feel like ending it all

My situation was not new, I had the same problem every time for more than 20 years
I would get depressed; I would hit rock bottom each time
I am better trained, skilled and experience to face the problem now

The picture is very clear for me; it is a lifelong battle.
Past success in recovery does not guarantee my future recovery
Recovery only works for me if I work it
Once I let my guard down, I will get defeated without fail.

This phrase is commonly heard in 12 steps meetings, “half measures availed us nothing.”
When it comes to recovery, a half-hearted attempt could have disastrous results.

Revelation 2:4-5
4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.
5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by notyoung56.

[notyoung56]

I admit that I am powerless over gambling; that gambling has made my life unmanageable.

I will be giving up my self-will and ways; I will turn to God’s way
I will be following good orderly directions; I will follow the 12 steps recovery program
I will be following my Higher Power; I will follow Jesus Christ

Recovery is an action plan
Recovery works if you work it

Recovery did not work for me because I stop working it
I did not like to do it; I just need to do it.

[notyoung56]

Courage to withstand fear and difficulty
Courage to be brave to do something that is frightening
Courage or strength to face something that is painful, troubled, sorrow or grief

This is the time to dig inside me to find what courage and strength is left to walk out of this bottom

[notyoung56]

I have dependents, commitments, and responsibilities
How can I do things that no one expect me to do such as gambling?

The feeling I had was heavy
It was an intense feeling of shock and disgust at my decision and behavior
I find it hard to understand and forgive myself
It was a very horrifying feeling
It felt like I have committed the most serious crime

[Author]

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