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Hi Mayatemmab, it is a good start to address the financial issues head on. I mentioned the community property issue just because the spouse in theses states is responsible for any debt the other one accumulates, whether one knows about it or not. Do you know what your hb’s credit report looks like? You probably do because you have a credit counselor involved, which is a good thing. You said that your hb is willing to do anything to keep the family intact. Again, a good first step on his part. Keep in mind that his first and foremost priority in this should be to stop gambling and work on his recovery, no matter if you are with him or not. While everything you guys have put in motion is really great and will hopefully work for you, for him and your family his motivation is a crucial factor when it comes to recovery. I’m just saying this because of my own experience. The best way to support him is for you to be in a place where you feel safe and secure. To know that you have the right safety measures in place will put your mind at ease a great deal so you can focus on other things besides being afraid that the bills are paid. As for GamAnon, I understand what you mean. It is a great place to find support but the program is not for everyone. The groups are also very differently structured and it depends greatly on the people you find there as well. I met some very nice people there and it was a place for me where I could vent, cry, scream and let out my frustration in the beginning without being judged. I got some very useful advice as well but overall it was not for me. Whatever works best for YOU is what you need to do. You go girl!!!!
Hi there, I read your post and was thinking, wow, she really got everything sorted out before it actually got to a point of no return. You mentioned that you pretty much controlled the money after you found out about your hb’s gambling. Are you still doing it or did he have access to significant funds after the first incident? You did the right thing looking for a gambling counselor. Was it your idea or his and how does he feel about it? Do you think he is willing and ready to deal with his addiction? Attending GA is also very important and as to his assumption that he got “better”, the addiction does not really get better. It can be ******** and held at bay but is always there. Recovery is a work in progress and requires a lifelong commitment. I am diabetic and the disease will not go away ever. The insulin shots will always be necessary. Same goes for any addiction (as you can see, I love to talk in pictures, lol.) You said in your post that you feel obligated to hold the marriage together for the children. I can absolutely follow your train of thought. On the other hand, the decision what to do about your marriage is not really something to worry about right now imho. The best you can do in this ‘”state of emergency” is to take care of yourself and your babies. I also had problems with the first GamAnon group I attended. Even though the program is basically the same, the groups do have different dynamics and the same goes for GA. I absolutely understand your determination not give anything up, e.g. moving to a bad school district. Maybe you can come up with a plan, nail down the priorities right now as far as financials go? If your hb can be part of it, all the better but you can also do this for yourself. Just like you, I had never had anything to do with gambling and was completely overwhelmed and shocked when I found out about this. I cannot give you any advice of course but think it would be a good idea to make sure your hb has no access to any money right now. Other than for gas and lunch and always ask for the receipts. Since he seems to make good money, it would also be good to pull his credit report so you know if there is anything else lurking somewhere. It is great that you have access to legal advice because in states with community property your position might be more difficult than in others. And no, you don’t deserve this, neither do your kids or your husband for that matter. Nobody deserves this nightmare, the insanity of it, the hurt and everything else that comes with it. Most gamblers suffer greatly, just as we do, only in another way. I wish you tons of luck!!!!! It is possible to battle this addiction, there are many success stories out there. At this point in time, not all is lost for you and your hb.
Hi Crossroads, Crystal really summed it up well for you. The most important thing for you right now is to protect yourself, meaning protect the money. You said that you didn’t want to ruin Christmas but I suspect that it was ruined anyway because of what you learned about his gambling. I also think that this might be only the tip of the ice berg and that he tapped into other resources to finance his addiction. I’m saying this because it took me along time to really find out about the complete amount of damage my hb had done. He only admitted in increments. And only when I found something out or he knew he couldn’t hide it any longer. The best support you can give your bf is to get some peace of mind yourself and to look for your own support system. Do you have someone you can talk to honestly about what is happening? Did you consider attending a GamAnon group yet? It is really difficult to deal with this addiction while you are still busy trying to sort everything out and most of all while being worried about finances. If your bf is really ready and willing to get some help he will not object to you handling all the money and to hand over receipts for every penny he spends. At least that was always a clear indicator for me that my husband was either close to a relapse or it had already happened. Putting his money in your account will probably not take the temptation away. The addiction is alive and kicking and will just come up with another harmful way to find money to gamble. **** swings and what you describe as a fiery temper can also be a symptom of the addiction taking over. My hb was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and put on medication. He never took or needed another pill from the day he went to inpatient treatment. Most importantly don’t threaten anything you are not willing to go through with, just like Crystal said. I wish you well and hope that you find a way to not lose yourself in this insane battle. That is the best support you can give your bf as well as yourself.
— 03/01/2013 21:17:37: post edited by Velvet.– 04/01/2013 14:31:52: post edited by Velvet.