[nomore 56]

From my own painful experience with fear and the ever present anxiety I would like to suggest that you block his number from your phone(s) and get a new number ASAP. The wounds are still fresh and cgs always find a way to dig into them. The addiction doesn’t like changes and definitely not being disturbed by someone saying enough is enough. At the moment the most important person is YOU. Every call and every message thows us right back into the abyss of living with a cg. It will get easier over time, it really will. Nobody can tell you what to do but imho no contact of any kind is crucial for your own recovery.

[nomore 56]

Hi Olegna,
nyour post struck a chord for me. You said you had been gambling for about 20 years and been married for 10. So when your and your wife met, you were already at it. If it was just for fun or not, she met a man who gambled. So did I. My hb started in Junior HS and when we met he had a problem with it. Not huge but nevertheless and unbeknown to me. It got worse over the next 20 years and ended in a total catastrophy. Eventually he went to prison for a crime he committed to finance the addiction. 3 inpatient treatments later he finally started his recovery and has not gambled for almost 8 years. Our marriage did not survive but we became friends.
nI did get an answer for the reasons he developed his addiction and so did he, which helped tremendously. When he came back from his last and finally successful treatment he was a changed man. Not only as far as the gambling was concerned but altogether. I’m still no sure if I had married him if he would have been this person way back then. Sounds bad but it’s the truth. I also found myself being really mad at times because he had a new goal and mind set, as in not gambling while I was left behind with the damage. Emotional, financially and otherwise. He got the tools he needed to deal with his remorse etc. and I got nothing but trying to come to terms with all my losses. Trust is a huge issue and always will be. I was often frustrated with the fact that he had decided to start his life over kinda and I couldn’t manage that. To be truthful, if my situation would have been different, I would have made a clean break and left.
nEvery person, every relationship is different of course. Does your wife have a way to let out her anger? As far as your family goes, maybe they said something to her that made her mad? The key word is communication and giving each other space, lots of it. This is probably all new to her and it’s a lot to process. If you live in the US, there are counselors certified for gambling counseling, other mental health providers might not know enough about this topic to be of help. Been there, done that. Every state has a Council on Problem Gambling and they are great resources to find the right help. And GamAnon might be a place to start as well. From my experience, the most important factor is total honesty. In every tiny part of everyday life.
nI wish you luck and congrats to your non-gambling time. Stick with it, for you, for her and all your other loved ones.

[nomore 56]

Looks like you live in the US. It all depends if you are in a community property state. If you do, a legal agreement will probably not help much. She can open credit cards in her own name and you are still responsible for what she owes. Same with bank accounts, most banks just ignore the fact that only one name is on the account. Happened to me more than once. My hb accumulated so much debt without my knowledge that I had to fill out pages and pages for filing bankruptcy while I did not owe a single penny to anyone myself. He was also able to sell my car by faking my signature on the title and nobody even checked if I really signed off on it. It goes on and on because you are lumped together as one when it comes to assets of any kind. She can ruin your credit before you know it and you would be in for a whole lot of heart ache trying to unravel the whole mess.

[nomore 56]

Eu concordo com Velvet e Lily, cuidar de si mesmo é a melhor coisa que você pode fazer neste momento. Mas também acho que é muito difícil se concentrar em si mesmo quando a ansiedade surge. as finanças são uma companhia diária. Tudo depende da situação em que você se encontra, se você depende financeiramente da renda do seu cg ou não é um fator importante. Se você se sentir seguro, estará em um lugar melhor para apoiar seu cg e cuidar de suas próprias necessidades. Pelo menos foi assim para mim. Não sei onde você mora (estou nos EUA), mas me inscrevi em um serviço de monitoramento de crédito e incluí meu hb nele. Eu poderia fazer isso sem que ele soubesse, porque ele estava em um estado terrível naquela época. Eles me alertam quando alguma coisa muda, verificações de crédito feitas por terceiros, mudanças nas pontuações etc. Posso pesquisar todas as contas ativas de cartões e empréstimos sempre que quiser. Valeu a pena cada centavo e me deu um pouco de tranquilidade, pois sabia que estaria por dentro antes que fosse tarde demais. Talvez ajude.

[nomore 56]

Sutinku su „Velvet“ ir „Lily“, rūpintis savimi yra geriausia, ką galite padaryti šiuo metu. Bet aš taip pat manau, kad labai sunku sutelkti dėmesį į save, kai nerimas vėl. finansai yra kasdienis palydovas. Viskas priklauso nuo situacijos, kurioje esate, ar esate finansiškai priklausomas nuo savo pajamų, ar ne, yra didžiulis veiksnys. Jei jaučiatės saugūs, esate geresnėje vietoje, kad palaikytumėte savo vaiką ir pasirūpintumėte savo poreikiais. Bent jau man taip buvo. Nežinau, kur jūs gyvenate (aš esu JAV), bet užsiregistravau kredito stebėjimo tarnybai ir įtraukiau savo hb. Aš galėjau tai padaryti jam nežinant, nes tuo metu jis buvo siaubingos būklės. Jie mane įspėja, kai kas nors pasikeičia, trečiųjų šalių atlikti kredito patikrinimai, balų pokyčiai ir pan. Aš galiu, kai tik noriu, ieškoti visų aktyvių kortelių ir paskolų sąskaitų. Jis vertas kiekvieno cento ir suteikė man šiek tiek ramybės, nes žinojau, kad susitvarkysiu viską, kol nebus per vėlu. Gal tai padeda.

[nomore 56]

Olen samaa mieltä Velvetin ja Lilyn kanssa, itsestä huolehtiminen on parasta, mitä voit tehdä tässä vaiheessa. Mutta mielestäni on myös erittäin vaikeaa keskittyä itseesi, kun ahdistus palaa. talous on päivittäinen kumppani. Kaikki riippuu tilanteesta, jossa olet, jos olet taloudellisesti riippuvainen cg: n tuloista tai ei, on valtava tekijä. Jos tunnet olosi turvalliseksi, olet paremmassa paikassa tukemaan lapsiasi ja huolehtimaan omista tarpeistasi. Näin se ainakin minulle oli. En tiedä missä asut (olen Yhdysvalloissa), mutta rekisteröidyin luotonvalvontapalveluun ja sisällytin siihen hb: n. Voisin tehdä sen hänen tietämättä, koska hän oli tuolloin kauheassa tilassa. He varoittavat minua, kun jokin muuttuu, kolmansien osapuolten tekemät luottotarkastukset, pisteiden muutokset jne. Voin etsiä kortteja ja lainoja kaikista aktiivisilta tileiltä milloin haluan. Se on jokaisen pennin arvoinen ja antoi minulle mielenrauhan, koska tiesin, että olen asioiden päällä ennen kuin on liian myöhäistä. Ehkä se auttaa.

[nomore 56]

Eu concordo com Velvet e Lily, cuidar de si mesmo é a melhor coisa que você pode fazer neste momento. Mas também acho que é muito difícil se concentrar em si mesmo quando a ansiedade surge. as finanças são uma companhia diária. Tudo depende da situação em que você se encontra, se você depende financeiramente da renda do seu cg ou não é um fator importante. Se você se sentir seguro, estará em um lugar melhor para apoiar seu cg e cuidar de suas próprias necessidades. Pelo menos foi assim para mim. Não sei onde você mora (estou nos EUA), mas me inscrevi em um serviço de monitoramento de crédito e incluí meu hb nele. Eu poderia fazer isso sem que ele soubesse, porque ele estava em um estado terrível naquela época. Eles me alertam quando alguma coisa muda, verificações de crédito feitas por terceiros, mudanças nas pontuações etc. Posso pesquisar todas as contas ativas de cartões e empréstimos sempre que quiser. Valeu a pena cada centavo e me deu um pouco de tranquilidade, pois sabia que estaria por dentro antes que fosse tarde demais. Talvez ajude.

[nomore 56]

I agree with Velvet and Lily, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do at this point. But I also think it is very difficult to focus on yourself when anxiety re. the finances is a daily companion. It all depends on the situation you are in, if you are financially dependend on your cg’s income or not is a huge factor. If you feel safe you are in a better place to support your cg and to take care of your own needs. At least that’s what it was like for me. I don’t know where you live (I’m in the US) but I signed up for a credit monitoring service and included my hb in it. I could do that without him knowing because he was in a terrible state at that time. They alert me when anything changes, credit checks done by third parties, changes in scores etc. I can look up all active accounts for cards and loans whenever I want to. It is worth every penny and gave me some peace of mind because I knew that I would be on top of things before it would be too late. Maybe it helps.

[nomore 56]

Ik ben het met Velvet en Lily eens, voor jezelf zorgen is op dit moment het beste wat je kunt doen. Maar ik denk ook dat het heel moeilijk is om je op jezelf te concentreren als je angstig bent. de financiën is een dagelijkse metgezel. Het hangt allemaal af van de situatie waarin u zich bevindt, of u financieel afhankelijk bent van het inkomen van uw cg of niet is een grote factor. Als je je veilig voelt, ben je op een betere plek om je cg te ondersteunen en voor je eigen behoeften te zorgen. Zo was het tenminste voor mij. Ik weet niet waar je woont (ik ben in de VS) maar ik heb me aangemeld voor een kredietbewakingsservice en heb mijn hb erin opgenomen. Ik kon dat doen zonder dat hij het wist, want hij verkeerde op dat moment in een vreselijke toestand. Ze waarschuwen me als er iets verandert, kredietcontroles door derden, veranderingen in scores enz. Ik kan alle actieve rekeningen voor kaarten en leningen opzoeken wanneer ik maar wil. Het is elke cent waard en gaf me wat gemoedsrust omdat ik wist dat ik alles onder controle zou hebben voordat het te laat zou zijn. Misschien helpt het.

[nomore 56]

Je suis d'accord avec Velvet et Lily, prendre soin de vous est la meilleure chose que vous puissiez faire à ce stade. Mais je pense aussi qu'il est très difficile de se concentrer sur soi quand l'anxiété refait surface. les finances sont un compagnon quotidien. Tout dépend de la situation dans laquelle vous vous trouvez, si vous dépendez financièrement des revenus de votre cg ou non est un facteur énorme. Si vous vous sentez en sécurité, vous êtes dans un meilleur endroit pour soutenir votre cg et prendre soin de vos propres besoins. C'est du moins ce que c'était pour moi. Je ne sais pas où vous habitez (je suis aux États-Unis) mais je me suis inscrit à un service de surveillance du crédit et j'y ai inclus mon hb. Je pouvais le faire sans qu'il le sache car il était dans un état terrible à ce moment-là. Ils m'alertent en cas de changement, de vérifications de crédit effectuées par des tiers, de changements de cotes, etc. Je peux rechercher tous les comptes actifs pour les cartes et les prêts quand je le souhaite. Cela vaut chaque centime et m'a donné une certaine tranquillité d'esprit parce que je savais que je serais au top avant qu'il ne soit trop tard. Peut-être que ça aide.

[nomore 56]

Sono d'accordo con Velvet e Lily, prendersi cura di sé è la cosa migliore che puoi fare a questo punto. Ma penso anche che sia molto difficile concentrarsi su se stessi quando l'ansia ricompare. le finanze è un compagno quotidiano. Tutto dipende dalla situazione in cui ti trovi, se dipendi finanziariamente dal reddito del tuo cg o meno è un fattore enorme. Se ti senti al sicuro sei in un posto migliore per supportare il tuo cg e per prenderti cura delle tue esigenze. Almeno così è stato per me. Non so dove vivi (sono negli Stati Uniti) ma mi sono iscritto a un servizio di monitoraggio del credito e ho incluso il mio hb. Potevo farlo senza che lui lo sapesse perché in quel momento era in uno stato terribile. Mi avvisano quando qualcosa cambia, controlli del credito effettuati da terze parti, cambiamenti nei punteggi, ecc. Posso cercare tutti i conti attivi per carte e prestiti ogni volta che voglio. Vale ogni centesimo e mi ha dato un po' di tranquillità perché sapevo che sarei stato al top prima che fosse troppo tardi. Forse aiuta.

[nomore 56]

Jeg er enig med Velvet og Lily, å ta vare på deg selv er det beste du kan gjøre på dette tidspunktet. Men jeg synes også det er veldig vanskelig å fokusere på deg selv når angsten gjelder. økonomien er en daglig følgesvenn. Alt avhenger av situasjonen du er i, om du er økonomisk avhengig av cg -inntekten din eller ikke, er en stor faktor. Hvis du føler deg trygg, er du på et bedre sted å støtte cg og ta vare på dine egne behov. Sånn var det i hvert fall for meg. Jeg vet ikke hvor du bor (jeg er i USA), men jeg registrerte meg for en kredittovervåkingstjeneste og inkluderte min hb i den. Jeg kunne gjøre det uten at han visste det fordi han var i en forferdelig tilstand på den tiden. De varsler meg når noe endres, kredittkontroller utført av tredjeparter, endringer i poengsum osv. Jeg kan slå opp alle aktive kontoer for kort og lån når jeg vil. Det er verdt hver krone og ga meg ro i sjelen fordi jeg visste at jeg ville være på toppen av ting før det ville være for sent. Kanskje det hjelper.

[nomore 56]

میں ویلویٹ اور للی سے اتفاق کرتا ہوں ، اپنا خیال رکھنا آپ اس وقت بہترین کام کر سکتے ہیں۔ لیکن میں یہ بھی سوچتا ہوں کہ جب پریشانی ہو تو اپنے آپ پر توجہ مرکوز کرنا بہت مشکل ہے۔ مالیات روزانہ کا ساتھی ہے۔ یہ سب اس صورت حال پر منحصر ہے جس میں آپ ہیں ، اگر آپ مالی طور پر اپنے سی جی کی آمدنی پر انحصار کرتے ہیں یا نہیں ایک بہت بڑا عنصر ہے۔ اگر آپ محفوظ محسوس کرتے ہیں تو آپ اپنے سی جی کی مدد کرنے اور اپنی ضروریات کا خیال رکھنے کے لیے بہتر جگہ پر ہیں۔ کم از کم میرے لیے ایسا ہی تھا۔ میں نہیں جانتا کہ آپ کہاں رہتے ہیں (میں امریکہ میں ہوں) لیکن میں نے کریڈٹ مانیٹرنگ سروس کے لیے سائن اپ کیا اور اس میں اپنا ایچ بی بھی شامل کیا۔ میں اس کو جانے بغیر کر سکتا تھا کیونکہ وہ اس وقت ایک خوفناک حالت میں تھا۔ جب کوئی چیز تبدیل ہوتی ہے ، تیسرے فریق کی طرف سے کئے گئے کریڈٹ چیک ، اسکورز میں تبدیلی وغیرہ کے بارے میں وہ مجھے الرٹ کرتے ہیں۔ یہ ہر پیسے کے قابل ہے اور اس نے مجھے ذہنی سکون دیا کیونکہ میں جانتا تھا کہ بہت دیر ہونے سے پہلے میں سب سے اوپر ہوں گا۔ شاید یہ مدد کرتا ہے۔

[nomore 56]

Velvet과 Lily의 말에 동의합니다. 자신을 돌보는 것이 현 시점에서 할 수 있는 최선입니다. 하지만 불안할 때 자신에게 집중하는 것도 매우 어려운 일이라고 생각합니다. 재정은 매일의 동반자입니다. 그것은 모두 당신이 처한 상황에 달려 있습니다. 재정적으로 CG의 수입에 의존하고 있는지 아닌지는 큰 요인입니다. 안전하다고 느끼면 cg를 지원하고 자신의 필요를 돌볼 수 있는 더 나은 위치에 있습니다. 적어도 나에게는 그랬다. 나는 당신이 어디에 살고 있는지 모르지만 (저는 미국에 있습니다) 신용 모니터링 서비스에 가입하고 내 hb를 포함시켰습니다. 그 당시 그가 끔찍한 상태에 있었기 때문에 나는 그가 모르게 그렇게 할 수있었습니다. 변경 사항이 있을 때, 제3자가 수행한 신용 확인, 점수 변경 등을 알려줍니다. 내가 원할 때마다 카드 및 대출에 대한 모든 활성 계정을 조회할 수 있습니다. 너무 늦기 전에 내가 최고가 될 것이라는 것을 알았기 때문에 그것은 모든 페니의 가치가 있고 나에게 약간의 마음의 평화를 주었습니다. 아마도 도움이 될 것입니다.

[nomore 56]

I’m always a bit hesitant to post on a parent’s thread, especially when it’s a mom. We can end a relationship or get a divorce but we will always love our children and be concerned about them, no matter how old they are. However, one issue is the same across the board imho. As long as we make it possible for the cg to continue on the path of destruction and keep the addiction alive, they don’t have a real reason to make a change and work on their recovery.
My hb completed 2 inpatient treatments and relapsed each time. After the first he did not gamble for many years but the addiction was still there He thought, felt and acted like a dry drunk. After the second he relapsed right away. Despite having spent a year in prison for a crime he committed to finance his gambling. Due to our financial situation I was literally forced to enable him. He had a roof over his head, food to eat, my old car to drive, money for gas and cigarettes and I had no choice because he threatened to take most of the money away should I refuse. He didn’t care about the endless arguments, the agony my daughter and I went through for years every day. Nothing mattered to him but the urge to gamble. The only reason he finally decided to make an honest attempt to face the beast in the corner was that I told him that he had to leave. The threads didn’t work anymore, my sanity was more important to me. He had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to anymore. So he decided to seek treatment again. He had no other choice anymore. Now he has been in recovery for almost 7 years and the changes in him are truly remarkable.
Yes, he was mad at me. Yes, he threatened suicide, became angry and depressed and tried to pull the “poor me” and “it’s your fault when I end in misery” on me. All the time. He wanted me to worry about him and feel guilty. Nothing but manipulation. And not intentionally, I’m sure as he is very disgusted now with the person he became when he gambled.
I like to think that giving a cg money for gas, tickets, and food, to provide shelter and other basic stuff when he actually has enough to support himself, is like giving an addict alcohol or drugs. When there is no real need to quit, it is most likely not going to happen. Sometimes we have to just stand our ground and even if it hurts, it might be what’s best for for the addict.
I hope you find a way to get some peace and joy back into your life.

[Author]

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