[NicNac]

I finally gave in to my suspicions, since I was having anxiety. One month without betting? I was completely wrong – he had bet nearly every day, multiple times a day. All of those lies. What hurt more was how he apologized, and come to find out the next day he bet 12 more times as he’s messaging me apologizing saying he won’t do it again. That made me give up – I accepted he will bet but I will only get angry if it’s in front of me or if he does not pay bills / asks me to spot him. It is on him to change, he has to want to be done with his addiction. I did things differently – we did not buy groceries together, I did not cook for him since then, I refused to send money for him to his bookie. I put my foot DOWN because I am sick of the pain. Since I did that, things have felt off. Our connection is dwindling. Our friendship even feels achy. We feel so distant and we’re both in a state of depression. We talked about making a final decision soon – either we’re in a relationship or just friends. The awkward part is that we live in a one bedroom place, so as friends until we move will be extremely difficult. We’re finally having a date night tonight and I hope our magical connection has a strong energy. I hope we overcome this. 

[NicNac]

Do not feel cold hearted for looking out for yourself. You only have one life, and it should be full of happiness. Stay firm. You’re both in my thoughts – I wish him recovery and you success.

[NicNac]

Just felt like venting some more in here so I thought I’d give an update.
His update- Earlier I said I had caught him with $3,000 down, and I had found a text to the bookie saying “If my girlfriend texts you, please don’t tell her.” This was before vacation. I had taken the advice to not look at any of his personal belongings. Well, day 1 of vacation, we were at a bar and I saw a reflection in a mirror.. that is how I caught him again. Day 1 of vacation. I was distraught, and our vacation was different than what it could have been. Since then, he admitted that he had placed a bet the last day of vacation, and the first football Sunday, that weekend we came back, but swears he has not bet since (so about a month now). I have my doubts, but the man is truly broke, and I feel like this bookie would be crazy to spot him any more than he already owes. But, he could always find a new source, which is my worry. Also, this month was the first time he didn’t make one of our bills and I had to put the money up to not get disconnected. As of this week he is finally paying the remaining of his debts to me, but I still have huge trust issues if he’s betting or not. He has never came to me and said “I messed up, I betted.” It’s always me finding evidence, or me going on a whim and asking him to be honest, so he still has not gotten to that point. He has stopped going to GA meetings because they did not help him one bit, if anything he got worse.. I guess it’s not for everyone. I suggested a forum.
My update- after the whole vacation drama, I finally went numb and FINALLY developed a mindset where I said if he does not change, I will move on without him. I am able to break my lease if I find a job 100 miles away. I have been applying. If I find a job soon, I will move away without him because he is not ready yet. It hurts me very much, but I’ve finally accepted that fact. If I find a job in maybe 6 months and he has truly proved he is clean and changed, we will start somewhere new together. Our place just has too many bad memories for me now. Additionally, since he’s hitting that month point and my trust issues are at an all time high, I’ve been reading the forum more often. I feel very insecure believing him, but I want to support him.

NicNac

[NicNac]

Hi Hannah,

You asked if anyone else felt a numbness after countless times of getting upset, and I definitely can relate! I also relate to your cycle, except my boyfriend only stops for a few days or weeks, instead of months.
I’m really glad you decided to write. I wrote almost two months ago, and since then I’ve just been reading other posts. It opens old wounds but you actually learn a lot from not just the post, but all the comments! It has helped me tremendously, and I hope it helps you.
One thing I learned is that going through a CG’s personal belongings will always have a negative consequence – A) You find something and get upset or B) You don’t find anything and think the CG is gambling anyways. I learned that him coming to me and admitting he gambled, instead of me calling him out, is when he will take full responsibility for his addiction. It’s really tough to wait it out, and I’m sure you get that gut feeling when something is off, but that is when change occurs.
I wish you the best.

NicNac

[NicNac]

Thank you for listening to my story. I never thought of it that way, how the sneaking around playing detective has two effects, neither positive. 

He has admitted his addiction. There are times he says he wants to earn his money honestly and be honest with me. There are times he admits to gambling, but mostly when he knows I have proof. 

He’ll only tell me bits and pieces of the meetings if he’s willing. He says he doesn’t like to talk about it, he feels like their stories are personal and they all have a matched bond that I wouldn’t understand as a non-CG. So I respect that and listen when he offers a story to share. 

And I have just told him I went to seek help. 

[NicNac]

Agreed with Velvet, “I am sure that before this experience changed my life I would never have understood”. Each time I told my friends I had caught my boyfriend gambling AGAIN, they’d want to hear it less and less. “Just leave him already.” “You’re not married you shouldn’t deal with this.” It was terrible because they do not understand addiction, and being in love with an addict. I also am 23 years old, so I can relate to your situation. It’s A LOT to handle at this age, and we’re at a state that someone we’re dating is either going to be our husband or not. It’s a tough decision to choose to stay or choose to leave. Staying means trying to cope with the problem and doing everything in your power to try to help him (which isn’t a lot, it’s all his choices); leaving means you may have guilt built up inside and he may end up in a betting hole since he’s losing support. You shouldn’t imagine the latter. I’d say if you do choose to break up, or take a break, stay in touch. Still provide support and check in. He may lie about how he’s doing, but showing you care is huge. As you said, “I’d hate to see him in several years and hear he is doing better because then I know that I missed out on a future with someone I care about.” so be there for him if you choose to opt out of the relationship.
Best of luck.

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