[new beginning]

Hi Betty! hope you had a good day! take it one day at a time…just try to curb the urge to gamble, there are a lot of strategies you can use. take a walk, get together with a friend, talk to someone about your urge, tell yourself you can get through one more day of not gambling.
your thoughts of suicide are scary to me. you do not want to commit suicide….you have so much life to live, so much love to give, even if you don’t believe you do! it is the gambling that makes you feel suicidal. you are not alone. i’ve gone on so many binges and won…..then left and went back………lost it all over again, and again. i get back to even…….from being down over $1000, $1500, and i STILL DO NOT LEAVE! these are the times i felt like ending it all. i thought…."who could possibly love me like this? how can i ever tell anyone that this is who i am and what i do? i hate myself, i would be doing people a favour, they wouldn’t have to deal with me being so miserable all the time"
but i got home and looked in the mirror and cried and thought…huh…..how the hell did you get here, to this low point in your life? i used to have so much love to give, had so much fun, liked spending time with friends and family, liked doing things for myself, like treating myself once in a while to shopping or something little like getting my hair done. but while i was gambling steadily, all that changed. i never spent any money except at the casino, i wouldn’t eat regular meals, cause i would get free food there, buffets, etc. i would rack up the points and spend them on gifts, so i would convince myself that at least i was doing something right. but it wasn’t right because i still felt empty inside, like i had a secret.
so one day i lost it all, i got angry at every hand i would lose, i chased my bets, i got wreckless and i lost everything, probably $3000 in one day. you might think this is a lot, but not for me. for me this was all of my savings. i am a waitress, i don’t have kids, but i don’t have any savings at all…..i worked so hard for that money. and it’s gone.
so i self banned myself, this is a good first step to recovery. you will feel so much better. it needs to be done.
then i told my family, my boyfriend, etc. i broke down like a baby….i felt so stupid and remorseful. it had to be done though. they were accepting of my problem and tried to understand. but i don’t think anyone really understands, except other cg’s. you are not alone! your thoughts are similar to what mine were like at the peak of my gambling around last christmas. i quit jan 20th and then relapsed two days ago. but i’m getting there. every day is getting better. i used to go two or three times a week to the casino, now i’ve gone twice in almost 3 months. it’s a start. now that i’ve recently relapsed i’ve really learned what this has done to me. i want to do so much better, and i know that i can do a lot better if i try a little harder every day.
i don’t have the urge to gamble today. i’m sick of that feeling. i have the urge to feel positive about the future, and look forward to saving my money (in an account that i cannot touch for my own safety). i want to build better relationships with my family and friends. i want to be free from this gambling addiction. i’m so much better than that. and so are you!!! and so are all of us cg’s. we are in this together
if you have other thoughts of suicide i think you should really talk to someone about your gambling, and your suicidal thoughts too. you don’t want to do anything drastic that you don’t want to do! gambling can make you feel at your worst, and if you get a hold of your gambling and commit to quitting, your negative thoughts about yourself will subside and you will feel so much better.
god bless you, i am thinking of you, have a good night
from,
new beginning (aka Bonnie)everyday is another chance to turn it all around

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