[Neecy]

Hi Jenny
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, always appreciated. No internet access just incoming calls. I have to pay the monthly bill but he can’t use phone to ring , text or use internet it’s purely incoming calls. Someone has even suggested it’s my phone and I should ask for the handset. I must admit I am worried he will view this as nastiness and petty but I didn’t do it to hurt him but to reclaim some of my dignity. For once this was about me, not about him. I’m fed up of feeling lower than a snakes belly. I love him but I’m not willing any longer to be controlled by that love for him. I want someone who loves me AND respects me because I am a good, honest , loving woman and I deserve respect.
Still struggling at times but determined to carry on
Love Neecy

[Neecy]

Hi All
some success today!
First for you Velvet you asked me to do something for myself and tell you so I did.
I went shopping and bought myself some new make up. Ive not been putting it on much but made myself wear it last two days. Was only 13 quid and it felt good. I also bought myself a journal to keep a record of my jpurney. Maybe theres a best seller in me and Id love to give some money to the website.
Today I canclled his phone. Its on my name and in the last 15 months hes paid the contract about twice and goes over it massively . I cancelled out going calls and interent but left incoming so his kids can contact him if necessary. I felt awful and cried but I did it and was proud of myself.
Im taking back my self respect. Why should i pay after what he said to me, in fact why should i pay anyhow?
I know we may never be togteher again but how can he respect me if I dodnt respect myself/ And if we are ever togteher again I will be demanding respect from him, I deserve it. It was a very hard day, I went shopping after work, everyone seemed happy in shops except me but I did it. Was glad to get home and chat in group, is my lifeline at minute.
Hope to speak to you all over weekend.
Love Neecy xxx

[Neecy]

Hi Velvet
Thanks your words always help and make sense. Yes I was in and out yesterday I really needed to talk. Had counseling session in evening which helped. Wanted to discuss it in group but for some reason had convinced myself it was thurs and waited two hours for the nine I clock only to realise it was wed I was gutted. Had bad evening and sleep was a blessed release from my feelings.
Am ok when busy but got too much time to think. Having counseling today from GH am hoping it will help me feel more positive. I know I have to focus on me but I miss his love so much
Neecy x

[Neecy]

Hi San
Thanks for the hug even if it was just a cyber one it meant a lot. I’m so glad this will be a much better Xmas for you, I felt terrible for moaning after hearing about ur last Xmas. My brother and husband both went through chemo and I know how dreadful an experience it is but you are living proof there is life after it, so well done you.
I’m so grateful for the support I am getting here. I know I have to look after myself but it would be easier if I thought I still had his love to look forward to. The thought he doesn’t love me kills me, especially as he said he did just few weeks ago, and in such endearing and loving ways. My head is shot with all the thinking, and bitter sweet memories crowd my mind. Trying best to push them away but not winning many battles at the minute.
Most of my friends don’t understand why I’m still with him, in my own brain sometimes I don’t either, but it’s my heart won’t let me give up on him.
I’m trying best to keep going and as you said just focusing on that day . Being with my kids is helping and speaking to you guys definitely helps.
Velvet , Harry and Monique, as well as yourself have been fab. As for my friends , while lovely, they judge and that doesn’t help. I do have a friend who’s a trained counsellor and therapist and he sees me for free every few weeks, I have a session in an hour and talking, and crying to him will help, it always does.
All I can do I guess is keep on the path and try to walk it best I can and hope maybe his and my path can cross again. If not I’ll face that when I have to. I’ll put my faith in the higher spirit I believe in to help me through.
Thank you all for taking the time out of your day. You ll never know how much it means to feel I have friends on MY side
Love Neecy xxxx

[Neecy]

Hi all,
Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
Sorry for being such a misery.
Neecy

[Neecy]

Hi all,
Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
Sorry for being such a misery.
Neecy

[Neecy]

Hi all,
Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
Sorry for being such a misery.
Neecy

[Neecy]

Hi all,
Just feeling pretty low and wanted to reach out. I’m a teacher and so obviously that involves doing festive stuff and Christmas music and I have found this incredibly tough today. Wanted things to be fun in my last lessons with them before Xmas but it’s creased me.
I feel so weak that I’m finding this so tough, god only knows how hard it must be for my CG. Feel a bit humbled by this whole experience .
Know I have to find the strength to do it. Just wish it wasn’t Xmas as it’s so tough for me anyhow.
Sorry for being such a misery.
Neecy

[Neecy]

Hi Monique
Yes I understand what you mean. I have spoken to friends I haven’t seen for while and arranged to meet up. I have spent time with my daughter, made time to go to church and have few shopping trips planned. I feel calmer after talking to Harry and some people on the community group. They all said similar to you to focus on me and also that the way he’s reacted is common in CG s who go into gh . Harry suggested I speak to his support worker and I’m going to. I wasn’t going to ring or contact them in any way as he was angry when I rang to enquire how he was, even though I only rang once. But I think I need to tell them about the letter and how I feel. I also want my CG to know I now realise and understand his need to do this alone and I understand I need to do this alone too. Thanks for all your support so far Monique I cannot believe the support on here I only wish I had this months ago.
Best wishes
Neecy

[Neecy]

Thanks Harry I logged on at three it was showing you there but I didn’t get reply to my posts? Then it logged me out and as it had gone 3:15 couldn’t get back in

Monique thanks for your words and advice. I’m in pieces tbh don’t know what to do with myself as I love him and fact that he said he doesn’t love me is hurtful , he told me before he went in he loved me very much. He often pushes me away over the gambling but he said he’s been encouraged to be honest so maybe this time he means it? He was also very very cruel with some personal stuff he said which has hurt me to the core.
Dreading Xmas , can’t stop crying
Neecy

[Neecy]

Hi Velvet I’m going to try to get on at three today. I had hideous weekend I had a Dear John letter from my CG on Friday that was so cruel . He said he’s been encouraged in GH to be honest and he’s told me he doesn’t love me and that our relationship has been over a while and he’s been with me out of guilt. Then some very very cruel personal stuff as well as hinting that all he’s lost his home possessions etc is down to me. I’m devastated. All I’ve done is help him , even him being there is down to my efforts. I’m at a total loss and so hurt by his callous words and cruelty, yet I love him still. I even tempered my reply not to jeopardize his treatment. Don’t think I’m setting myself up as a saint, I’m far from it. But I didn’t deserve thisxxxxx

[Neecy]

Hi Velvet are you going to be on tonight? Really need to talk x

[Neecy]

Only just saw this I tried but it wouldn’t connect. I’ll try laptop Tom night. What time will you be there?x

[Neecy]

Hi Velvet
Thank you for your words of comfort, and support, they helped a lot. I’m finding it really hard and I’m so emotional. I’m totally scared that when he finishes the rehab he won’t want me anymore. Been scared to say it but now I have. That’s selfish isn’t it when I want so much for him to be free of this nightmare life.
Neecy

[Neecy]

These words made me feel so bad. I’ve only shared one Christmas with my partner but the bit about the presents hit home. He only had money to buy me tokens which I loved and treasure cos they came from him. I on the other hand bought him lots including an expensive shirt. Now I feel ashamed and can see why he was embarrassed. Thank you Velvet lesson no one learned here. What I thought I did for the right was totally wrong.
Denise

[Author]

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