[MurrS7]

Thank you for your words Kin. I truly appreciate them. I know it is only once we place our first bet or have that first drink that all falls apart slowly and we self destruct. I refuse to let my addiction overpower me and longer. I am going to beat this day by day with all the resources made available. I wish you the best in your recovery and i Believe we can make it out on top and live a g free life again.

[MurrS7]

I started this thread on nov 12 2018. Nearly
One year of self destruction. I refuse to make another year like the last one. It has been hell on earth with this evil illness. I am so determined to quit, but I’ve said this many times before. There is only so many times you can hit the ground and want to keep hitting it putting yourself through pain that becomes unbearable. I will not gamble today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after. God give me the strength

[MurrS7]

To see that view 🙁

thanks for the support man, have a great weekend also!

[MurrS7]

I’ve just read majority of your thread and it is one of the most touching , raw, reads I’ve come across on here. I have gained so much wisdom from your words and I have felt every emotion in this roller coaster that you explained. I really am lost for words except thank you, thank you for all the wisdom I have just gained . It’s crazy because only a cg and an addict can understand truly what you are saying. I have been an addict for over 15 years. Drugs, alcohol, and gambling go hand in hand for me. Get drunk, get urge to gamble .. all logic gets thrown out window. Win… do drugs and Alcohol to celebrate my win. Lose- do drugs and alcohol to mask my pain. Insane right ? So not just emotional sadness. Despair, hurt, anguish, self pity from gambling, but now comes in the depressant of alcohol and drugs on top of losing your last dollar and can’t even afford food or bills. It’s just crazy how far us gamblers can take it. Quitting many things as once is the hard part too.. now I’m trying to quit gambling, booze, drugs, one is hard enough !! Like you I will go back to GA, AA, and NA if I have to do all three to beat this addictive lifestyle. Your words really touched me and motivated me to be stronger. The euphoric recall is bang on.. whenever I relapsed I would think ok I can be smarter this time and leave while ahead; I never think of the feeling of losing and what it
Does to our brain and finances. This is exactly how the story ends even if I do win and be smart even for a week, leave while up, eventually my brain gets highjacked and I end up losing all winnings, start chasing and lose every penny available to gamble with, then the cycle starts again, Beat ourself up, take
A break, save money, feel great, here comes the part where our brains think we can be smarter once again, only to repeat the same thing over and over. Ah… torture at its finest . I guess I am a sucker for pain. I wish you well kin. God bless

[MurrS7]

Referring to gambling ..

I liken it now to looking at a cliff face. There are two possible routes up.

One is hard, beyond our ability but we keep trying and keep falling off, we think it is the quickest way up, we want to try and prove ourselves in some way. On this route we have also hit the ground and hurt ourselves many times.

The other route is more straightforward, lots of attainable moves, there are even some bolts we can clip onto for support. Maybe it is more boring but it still leads to the top.

I finally have realised which route I need to take

[MurrS7]

Thanks to for your words. I am hard on both myself and my gambling. I really like how you said be gentle on yourself and hard on my gambling. I want to use that ladder instead of falling into a deeper hole. I truly want to make 2020 gamble free. I need my life back. I miss the old me that never experienced these feelings of addiction and gambling. Gambling also comes with substance abuse for me, so I’m trying to tackle a few things at once which is really tough. I think a treatment centre might be a strong option. As scary as it is to me… I don’t want to waste any more of my life or cut my life Short. I want to come out on top and say I’ve beaten this.

[MurrS7]

Half way to a month gamble free. Amazing man. As you know I had a heavy relapse this week so im back at day 1. I actually just re read your initial post and that’s how I’m feeling
Right now. Fast forward to your 14 day g free post and not even knowing you or seeing your face, I can tell through your words how much happier , less stressed, finding your old life again. It’s crazy was just 14 days can do and I can’t wait to be back there. Keep going man, stay busy and if you get the urge you’re smart to come on here and post, I really wish I did. Post when you get the urge, not after you relapse. That to me is a victory by itself. Keep going man, we’re all rooting for you. We will eventually re wire our brains to the point that gambling is an
Evil distant memory. Have a great weekend !

[MurrS7]

It will Improve with time and hard work and staying gamble free. You went a year so you know the feeling of not thinking about betting. But I’m guessing you also know the feeling of relapsing and losing everything. Both feelings are opposite
Ends of the spectrum. One feeling is so amazing, working hard for your $, watching it grow, treating yourself to things you want to buy, being able to take holidays, go to dinners etc. Being well.. you know.. happy about life again. Now the other feeling.. the feeling you and I are both feeling right now, this is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. I’ve come down off benders of drugs and alcohol, I’ve had flus and colds for months where I couldn’t speak or get out of bed. But the feeling of losing every penny, is indescribable. Like you, I am in a rough place as I have relapsed also, after 38 days of abstinence. We must really think about these two feelings when we want to gamble next. Do we want our lives back where we didn’t think of gambling? Or do we want to feel sad, depressed, empty, financially in a hole. I’m so fed up and never want to feel this way again. Have you tried GA or one on one
Counselling ? I find it really holds us accountable. When I was regularly going to counselling , I would almost feel if I relapsed, I wouldn’t not only be letting myself down but also my therapist. Same as GA. I would not want to go in there every week saying hi my name is Stephen and once again (TODAY) was the last time I gambled. It’s embarrassing and I feel those two things really hold me accountable to my addiction. Also coming on here and reading threads seeing how crazy this addiction can be, really helps. Now we have to read the threads when we get the urge, or post on our journal when we get the urge. Don’t wait till after you relapse like I do. Even if you relapse and win, come on here and say I relapsed !! Don’t wait till you lose.. I’ve done it 100’s of times and
Now it’s time for change. I wish you all the best in your recovery and know you’re not alone. We are all in this together and I truly believe we can all come out on top. Stay strong

[MurrS7]

So much truth in that post. this week I have put so much effort into gambling…that’s the addict part of me. Its so easy to get addicted to gambling , and not as easy to get addicted to recovery. What just doesn’t make sense to me in just a week prior I was so happy to be one month g free. I don’t know how 6 days later I can be caught right back in the vicious wrath of gambling. how things can change so quickly , how quality of life can change so quickly from relapsing. how I can be doing well mentally, or better at least, and then boom it comes back around to suck me in. I will def attend ga again this week, as many nights as I can. Weekly councelling is 1 time per week as it’s all I can do Right now since I’m paying out of pocket 150$ per session. No insurance. I really need to separate myself from my behavior . this is the hardest thing for me. I think one of the main reasons I gkabke is free time, and not much money coming in right now. I need to get a job badly. Once I see paycheques come in I can put some toward my debt and feel more at ease and leas stressed out. everyday I wake up I ask myself why, how, how the heck did I take it here. The number one rule should have always been don’t gamble with money that isn’t yours. I don’t know where along the line my brain thought it was ok to use credit? It’s just mind boggling. I went crazy somewhere down the line. I really need to use this as motivation to rebuild. I’m tired of beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself over this. Enough is enough. I need to be mad enough to fix this anyway Possible. thanks for your words and advice steev. sorry I don’t always follow it Nor my own. if I had listened to peoples advice I could have saved a lot of hurt , stress and time, but I guess you have to learn the hard way and lose everything in order to finally change.

[MurrS7]

Why don’t I post when I win? Why only when I lose. Because when I win I don’t feel like I’m doing anything bad. I feel like I have to live in secrecy. When I lose, here I am. Depressed and going on a massive rant and vent. What I should have done after Monday win is post here that I relapsed. No I didn’t, I posted only wed night after I lost it all. Maybe if I posted when I won, I could have been talked some sense into. But only when I lose I feel I relapsed and did something wrong. This mentality is the worst, it’s not right, it’s terrible.

[MurrS7]

Monday 2 hours gamble – win Tuesday 1 hour – win Wed 30 min win Win as much as I would make in a month or so in 3.5 h Not good enough. Need to hit big. Lose all winnings, panic. Withdrawal more from atm- lose ATM limit maxed- drive to teller , come back , lose that Drive back to teller, withdraw last funds, lose Drive home- know a friend owes me $- go back at night- lose Lose all available credit, over draft, line of credit Wake up, panicking , manage to get extra line of credit so maxed beyond limit- break even at least on the day so able to put the $ back in bank to have a couple hundred bucks left and get kicked out. Its really been a nightmare, a blur, I went into a trance and once again my mind got Highjacked by this addiction I could have really used that $ to pay off some debt and Stay afloat. It’s funny my posts from May, saying I’m at rock bottom.. nope. Debt has doubled since then, relapsed so many times, here is a new bottom. I’m scared to see what the next bottom is , I need help.

[MurrS7]

This is my first day gamble free, again, for the 100th time. Sometimes I don’t even know if I should post. I seem to only re read my thread and others when I relapse, if only once I read the thread when I got the urge, I would see all
The pain, misery, agony, hurt, self destruction, financial stress it has cost me this past 12 month binge. Yesterday was my last time gambling in the morning chasing a hefty loss in the thousands, I don’t like to mention numbers anymore because everyone has a diff number and the loss feels all the same at this point weather it’s hundreds or thousands, I’m in the same pain, although I wish my mind could stop at hundreds. Once again this week I’ve lose it all, but yesterday I tried again to get my original loss back from Wednesday and thankfully security stopped me before I lost my last bit. Actually it was my
Whitesox hat that saved me from losing more, it was the hat I wore in my most recent picture they took of my self ban. If only I had worn that hat on monday. I could have saved myself
This hurt. I was a bit upset, but it’s like I know how to get in. Don’t wear a hat.; wear sunglasses, park across the street. I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t take pictures with hat and no hat. Security said he will put me on high alert list, I told him man I asked to be put on that 50 times!! Why aren’t you guys helping me here, it’s like they don’t care, anyways I know it’s my own fault for sneaking in; it still hurts that I am able to so easily. No one with a self ban should be able to get in the same day 4 times . Anyways ok rambling .
Sorry

Day 1

Lost

[MurrS7]

I appreciate your words sincerely. I am
Going to try this again first one more time.. weekly ga and weekly one on one counselling . I don’t have the $ to move away right now…
not in any position . Have to live with my parents and get this debt cleared. But I totally get where you guys are coming from. It is a serious option to start fresh. Day 1 again. Here’s to another shot at getting my life back.

[MurrS7]

I appreciate your words sincerely. I am
Going to try this again first one more time.. weekly ga and weekly one on one counselling . I don’t have the $ to move away right now…
not in any position . Have to live with my parents and get this debt cleared. But I totally get where you guys are coming from. It is a serious option to start fresh. Day 1 again. Here’s to another shot at getting my life back.

[MurrS7]

Man I feel your pain in every sentence.
I could have written that myself, lost everything, broke even, thought I could be smarter, start again, lose everything again. Done it too many times to *****. Like you, went to ga, counselling, stopped.. relapsed more times that I can remember. I know exactly the feeling of breaking even, being so grateful to have the money back, just to lose it all again. I have roughly just a bit lesss debt than you, only problem is I don’t make 100k a year, I’m currently graduated school with no work in my field… I know all the feelings about feeling pathetic , like a degen. Asking how and why I let it happen
Again. I know nobody understands this feeling of losing it all, unless they’ve experienced it. They really are not lying when they say this is a lifetime recovery with gambling.: just when we think we have beaten it … do well for months, heck even years.. it comes back around to dig us deeper into a hole we didn’t even know existed. My advice which I will also follow is going back to GA. , weekly counselling, and try to stay busy at all times. When I am depressed I gamble too.: it’s like a vicious cycle, gamble till I lose everything, then drink booze to mask it.. cycle continues.. save up money while in recovery, then relapse and lose all the earnings in few hours of months of work. We got to stay strong and use all resources available to beat this.. I know you don’t want to feel this pain of a gambling hangover just as bad as I don’t want to. I lost it all again this week so it’s fresh, time will heal us.. we need to stay ac*****able for our actions and really have Strategies in place if we get urges. I wish you well and keep posting, you are not alone in this. I’m 29 also and been gambling 10 years roughly. The wins are what killed us.. I wish I never won and never knew was chasing losses was…. we will re wire our brains in time.

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